I Need Help

[Aqureshi1408]

I am a Muslim Girl (26) Single living in Noida-India. I am fed up of these Hindu men who would look at me and tease me on roads. My Hindu female friends also wants me to be like them such as partying and drinking sometimes. Please guide me.

[greenhill]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Nothing much could be done on the staring and teasing bit, but something can be done against the drinking and partying, though...

Just say 'No thanks'. You'll thank yourself on judgment day :shade:

Wishing you a great stay.


:peace:

[فصيح الياسين]

:as: sure have a great day

[فصيح الياسين]

Change friendship to other female. Envoirnment change pious to worst and vice versa. Up to you sister if worried about eman. Or world .u choose.....

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[BeTheChange]

It's natural & normal for men to look, in particular non-religious men.

Rather than looking at the actions of others - look at what you can do to stop or limit the looks that you get.

Are you dressed according to what our deen permits? i.e. a headscarf? jilbaab/modest clothing etc?

This is in YOUR control - & in sha Allah, this will reduce the looks you get.

In terms of your friends if they are advising you in the partying direction - all i can say is - is it not time you change your friends? If your not happy with the feedback from your friends and they not respecting what they already know about you change the people you hang around with so they steer you and encourage you in the right direction.

Wish you all the best.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum my dear,

I'm sorry to hear you are having these problems. Mmm, I think they may be related. I wonder if perhaps youmight be lacking self-confidence. (sigh) It is an unfortunate truth in this world, that if you are weak, there are those that will take advantage of your weakness.Take your friends for example. I wonderif you have told them clearly that you are not into parties and drinking. Because if you haven't... why not? And if you have, and they still push you to do these, they obviously do not respect and care about you.

Let me give you an example. Say you have a friend you care about whom you know hates fish... if you were to invite her for supper, would you serve her fish? Of course not! And if she happened to drop by just as you were preparing fish for your lunch, wouldn't you quickly make her something that she likes?

If you care about another person, you respect their limits. So if your “friends” are not respecting your limits, then I don't think that they really care about you.

A question then surfaces in my mind:why are you permitting them to cross your limits? A woman with self-respect and self-confidence would just avoid such “friends”.

A similar point can be made about the men who are harassing you. Of course, this is a wider societal problem (I have read about the problems of “eve-teasing” in India). It is rooted, I believe, in a combination of negative views towards women in general, and the rapid urbanization and infection of people's minds with the corporate-industrial mindset. These two latter factors underlie the destruction of traditional societal structures that used to limit and control men's inappropriate behaviour towards women.

(smile) Basically, I am saying that the environment you live in is not easy for a young woman, so it is not just your lack of self-confidence that encourages men to misbehave towards you.

Nevertheless, if you appear weak, unpleasant men are more likely to pick on you. What can you do? Well, dressing inconspicuously does help. However, I am not sure that dressing in a way that identifies you as a Muslim would necessarily help you (I have heard about problems faced by Muslims in your country; but you know your particular local culture better, and I may be mistaken) it may open you up towards hate-motivated harassment. I would suggest that you aim for a style that is considered modest in your culture, but perhaps avoid dressing in away that identifies you as a minority.

However, this is not enough. Because sexual harassment is not motivated by a normal interest in you as a woman. It is a form of bullying. It is one way a man who has some inner weaknesses hurts another person to boost his weak inner self. He wants to feel strong, so he tries to dominate another person. If his victim perceives him as strong, this boosts his self-image as strong. He isn't, of course. So he continues to need hurting and dominating others, to keep trying to convince himself that he is. The cruelest of men are often the weakest inside (psychopaths are a bit different- they apparently have problems feeling anything, and seek extreme sensations to be able to feel properly alive). But don't feel too sorry for such men... they will just use your compassion to their advantage, including your suffering, to boost their false self-image.

So what else can you do? I wouldsuggest that you take a women's self-defence class, or other combat arts class, like Krav Maga or Aikido (though these are usually mostly men, which makes it very uncomfortable for a woman. Nevertheless, consider them; both for your own self, and for your Muslim and future (inshallah!)-Muslim sisters... we need pioneers in this field).

Why is this helpful? Well, knowing these techniques may help you directly (breaking an attacker'swrist, for instance, has a generally dampening effect on his unwanted advances, but is often not the most appropriate response), but more likely will boost your self-confidence (knowing you can break his wrist, even though you don't, is very empowering).

I looked up various combat arts in your general area. They do exist, and they do accept women (actually, they'd love to get more women), and they are not too expensive (some are even free, apparently). While I have not personally tried Krav Maga, I have looked into it, and if I had a little better health, I would take some of these lessons.They look very practical. Taking a martial art like Aikido can be useful, but it takes a long time to achieve mastery, and also, in real-life fighting, people don't follow the “rules” of combat. Women's general self-defence classes are also very practical, and they emphasize how to avoid and escape dangerous situations, but they tend to be limited in time. If you have problems with self-confidence, you may need more time and skills to feel more self-assured.

Because how you seem to another person makes a huge difference. If you seem weak, there are those wolf-like people (both male and female) who will be attracted to you. There is also the fact that unless a woman is assertive and clearly shows her dislike of a man's attentions, even nice men tend to misread her and think she wants his attentions (this has been demonstrated in psychological studies; men and women do misunderstand one another).

I have also read that the police in New Delhi have put out a booklet on things you can do to protect yourself. Perhaps your local police have something similar?

Reading up books on psychology (internet or magazine articles tend to be too shallow) can also help you understand both yourself and others, and may enhance your self-confidence.

Taking on something that you are intimidated by, is also a great confidence-booster. For instance, after a driving accident when I was young, I was too afraid to drive for many years. But when I was trying to rebuild my self-confidence after I ran away from my abusive second husband, I took driving lessons, and eventually regained my license. This felt really great, and gave me the strength for further steps. Because (gently), building a weak inner self is hard, and takes years. But (smile), it can be done... and is so worth it. Because you will find your new friends (and I hope one day, husband) will respect you and treat you very much better than the people presently in yourlife.

Look for more caring and respectfulpeople around you. (smile) This takes time, but they are out there, I assure you. If you are clear about your limits right from the beginning of your interactions with others, and you enforce those limits, you will find yourself surrounded by people who truly respect and care about you. Of course, if you permit people to push your limits and get away with it, you will have problems and continue to be surrounded by people who are not good to you.

Consider joining a group that is working to help change societal views of women. There are also groups that are actively to trying to get laws to protect women made into legislation, as well as have existing laws enforced. While helping others, you may find some good and decent people you can connect with. (smile) If this sort of political work is not quite something you feel you can take on at first (it is enjoyable, though, you know), then some other group that is doing something that interests you can help you. Volunteering with a charity, a community organization or taking a class for pleasure (art, cooking, archery ,tajweed... whatever), perhaps? Finding people with common interests helps you feel more secure, especially in an anonymous urban environment.

Finally, Allah Helps more than anyone or anything. Prayer is good (make sure you pray for the right things, though. Don't pray for someone to rescue you... pray for the strength to become the best and most balanced Muslim you can be). Reading a little Qur'an every day is good (make sure you read various translations, too. You need to have an idea of what Allah is telling you). Reading sirah, ahadith and discussions of Islamic topics is good. (smile) No, you don't need to do everything at once. But whenever you feel an urge to escape and lose yourself in shallow “friendships” or mindless movies, books, music, work... try to do less that is mindless, and immerse yourself more into that which is healthy. While searching for new friends, become friends with the Sahaba. Take the Prophet (SAWS) as the person you love the most. But love Allah most of all. Read the Names of Allah. The Divine Qualities tell us of what we need to be mindful, how to get closer to God, how to express your love of the Creator. Practice them. Not just patience, forgiveness, love... but also firmness, strength, self-sufficiency... And don't forget a healthy love of yourself. Allah Created you, my dear. There is surely something beautiful about you. Hold onto that and blossom into the delightful flower He Gave you the potential to be.

(twinkle) I've given you a lot of homework! (smile) Don't try to do everything at once. You'll just exhaust yourself. Pick something that attracts you the most, and build slowly from there. But do something. (smile) Life is a wonderful adventure, my dear! We only have this little limited time on this earth. Seize the opportunity Allah has Given you!(smile) It is a form of gratitude towards our Creator, and it can be a form of worship, too.

May Allah, the Designer, Help us to see the patterns of who we can be... and Help us to become what he has Gifted us the opportunity to become.

[naba]

Assalamalecum,well its difficult for me to tell you, because I m not in your situation, its a serious situation but I say that you should read Quran daily with understanding and increase your faith in Allah, well that's the only thing I can tell you on this forum,Allah in ch 65 v 2-3 says fear Allah, Allah will provide help from unimaginable source.May Allah solve your problem and give you success both in this world and hereafter. AMEEN.Moreover if they try to ccross their limits inform police.moreover stick to your deen try to plz Allah at best because all hearts are under his control, then you will see the whole world will respect you, Allah in ch 29 v 69 of Quran says if you strive in way of Allah, Allah will open pathways for you.

[Lavitz]

Wow. Sounds extremely tough.

I've never been to India, but it seems like young women have it especially hard over there. I wish you all the best.

Even though I do not believe that what they are doing is excusable in any way. Is there are chance that you may be inviting the teasing through your clothing or make-up? From experience, it seems like make-up is an important factor to the amount of attention a girl gets. It is a sad reality.

[CalmPassenger]

Calm down... Every thing is going to be alright. Every one have his/her own journey... God never put more on you than you can bare...