My husband might have cheated on me, do i tell him that i know?

[aesa]

Ok, so i need some advice on how to deal with my husband in a halal way and so that i can save our marriage. I am very young, only 18 and he is 32, we got married December 7th 2014, so i guess we are still newly weds. He has two children from past relationships, one of his daughters is 13 and lives in germany, her mothers old now and im not too worried about her at the moment but with his other childs mother they have a 6 year old daughter together, she lives in Itay, shes beautiful, and im a bit more jealous of her. Less than a month after we got married he told me his friend hired him to work at his new restaurant for 3 weeks (never heard of anybody hiring someone for three weeks only.. but ok) i was skeptical but i couldnt stop him anyway so i agreed for him to go. Up untill right now i believed him. Hes very secretive and never even told me his daughter's mother's names, just today i found the italian woman on facebook... I looked at her pictures and she apparently visited America with her daughter for the three weeks my husband was "working" and all the pictures she had where taken by someone else, in some pictures i saw the shadow of a man taking the picture, in one picture it was of his daughter swimming underwater in a pool with a man that ironically looks just like her father..my husband, and they had also went to New York while they were in America, oddly enough my husband came back with a pair of headphones for me that say "I love NY" not to meantion the day he came home was the day she posted on Facebook saying that she was on her way home to Italy... So its pretty clear he lied to me. I already know that. I would of been fine with him visiting his daughter, but what bothers me is the fact that He lied to me within one month of our marriage and He traveled for three weeks with his ex so clearly they must have been sleeping together, right? Not to meantion he was with them for New Years and i was alone and crying that night because i felt so abandoned, now i feel even worse knowing he was with his ex that night. I dont know what to do right now. I talked to my mom this morning about this and she told me i shoudnt tell him i know about it. Im a very jealous person and we often get in arguments about my jealousy but i dont ever want to get a divorce, i really love him and i do everything to be the best wife to him that i can. But i also want to make sure he stops all haram relations with his ex. What should i do?

[ardianto]

hahaha i like that first part, i was thinking of continuously hinting things so he begins to think i know, like bringing up how its odd he found I Love New York headphones in Boston. And asking him when was the last time he got to visit his daughter, and maybe ill ask him why his friend hasnt contacted him at all in the past two months to come work for him again lol. Eventually it will drive him crazy and he might just admit to me whatever he did. I will be able to forgive him once he admits it but Inshallah it wont happen again...

It will not drive him crazy, but will drive him go to his ex-wife again.

Young sister, I was so familiar with women's jealous (yes, women, not a woman). So I know what you feel. But do you know what a man feel if his woman jealous?. So, young sister, if you want to save your marriage you should not do that.

Okay, now is after midnight in my place, I must go sleep. Insha Allah, I will be back tomorrow with my advice.

[Muhammad]

:salamext:

I've approved this thread even though we are not a fatwa or marriage counselling site, in the hope that some mature members might be able to give some general advice. Let us remember the original poster's request for advice that will help save her marriage. I've deleted posts which I felt were not constructive towards this purpose.

[aesa]

It will not drive him crazy, but will drive him go to his ex-wife again.

Young sister, I was so familiar with women's jealous (yes, women, not a woman). So I know what you feel. But do you know what a man feel if his woman jealous?. So, young sister, if you want to save your marriage you should not do that.

Okay, now is after midnight in my place, I must go sleep. Insha Allah, I will be back tomorrow with my advice.

ok well then what should i do? because i would like to be able to listen to my mom and not tell him that i know but you dont understand the pain its bringing me right now. Me and my husband are newly weds and didnt get to know eachother much before marriage, i dont feel like we have a strong relationship yet and it broke my heart to find out he brought this woman to multiple states, fancy restuarants, a hotel, a spa, times square for new years eve, brought her shopping, swimming, basically everything hes never done with me... if i pretend it didnt happen it might just happen again.. if i tell him i know, he will call me jealous and crazy and it will hurt our relationship even more

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[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


u may talk in a general way that he should have a contact with his children . Then remind him to do that in proper way i.e in Islamic way which means his ex wives are non muharim women to him now . So , he must not mix with them freely .


keep praying to Allah to bless your marriage and may Allah protects your husband from all haram relationship .

[ardianto]

ok well then what should i do? because i would like to be able to listen to my mom and not tell him that i know but you dont understand the pain its bringing me right now.

I can understand the pain that a woman feel when she is cheated by the man who she loves, who still keep the love to his past and secretly meet his past lover. I can understand it because I was 'this man'.

Okay, enough about my past. Now I will go to advice.

The main reason why I suggest you to pretend that you don't know what your husband has done is because, when he was cheating you, he went with his daughter too. He is a father, and he loves his daughter.

If you tell him that you have know what he has done, then he will make a counterattack with "Is it wrong if I wanted to spend the time with my daughter?. Is it wrong if I wanted to make my daughter happy?". Then he will start to think that you cannot accept that he already has children before he married you.

Young sis, if he was in situation which he must choose between his children and you, I am sure, he would choose his children, not you.

Another reason is, a husband would feel very uncomfortable if he knew that his wife spying on him. A wife indeed, must observe what her husband doing outside the home, but she must observe it in smart way that does not make her husband feel spied by her. This is the art of being a wife that you must learn.

What you should do now?. The first thing is forgive your husband. Try to understand that he loves his daughter, and he still need a time to change his feeling to his daughter's mother. I know it's very hard for you to do it. But, no pain no gain, isn't it?.

Then try to build better relationship with your husband. Make your husband feel very comfortable with you. It will raise his love to you. And make him realize that you love him so much. It will raise awareness in his heart that he has to change his feeling to his ex and focusing his love only to you.

About his daughter. Young sis, you should not cut a parent-child family ties. So tell him that you do not mind if he has contact with his daughter and want to meet his daughter. He will appreciate it and start to see you as the wise wife.

Will he cheat you like that again?. Insha Allah no, if he is already in awareness that now he is your husband and he should not betray your love again. Then if his ex invite him to do something wrong, he will refuse this request.

Yeah, one thing about man that you must know. The only one that can prevent a man to do something is himself. If a man want to do something but prohibited, then he will try to seek a chance to do it. But if a man forbid himself to do something, then even if he has big chance to do something, he will not do it.

So, do not tell him "You must eliminate your love to your ex!", but tell him in tender voice "I know you love me so much. So I believe that you will never hurt me through loving any other woman". Yes, young sis, do not use "your ex", but use "any other woman". It will give him different impression about your jealous.

Okay young sister, start learn how to be a smart wife who can handle problems in marriage in wise way.

[hisnameiszzz]

Salaams.

I am so sorry to hear about your problems. I'm not married nor am I an expert in counselling, but I have been through about 19 years of marital woe with my Sister and her husband. You need to talk about the issues you are having. The best format when we were dealing with my Sister and her issues was that there were 5 people present when they had a hachoo juttoo (honesty and lies) chat: an aalim, my Sister and someone from our family, her husband and someone from his family. I know it's a bit awkward when their is "cheating" involved, but we have been through that with my Sister and her husband when he was doing things with someone else.

I know your Mom said not to tell him, but is that a healthy choice? It will eat away at you and you may end up getting very depressed. Plus you will always have it at the back of your mind. It's best to have it out in the open so you know exactly where you stand.

Inshallah things will work out for you. All the best.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum aesa,


(sigh) My dear, I would like to ask you some questions, if you don't mind.

1. You said you hardly knew this man before marrying him. How did you meet him? Did anyone who cares about you, know him? Did anyone who cares about you, check him out? When I say “who cares about you”, I mean a family member or a very close friend. As you are a revert, I wonder who could have helped you out on this one.
2. Does this man stand to gain anything from you? Such as immigration status, a green card, a place to stay or money?
3. Are you and your husband both American citizens?
4. Did you get a legal (in the US) marriage?​
5. What did he give you as mehr? Not promise, but actually give.
6. How do you know that these women are his ex-wives?
7. I realize that you love him, but deep down, if you ask yourself, do you feel secure with this man? Do you feel as if he would stand by you if you got pregnant, for example?
8. What is his relationship like with his children? Does he interact with them nearly every day? Does he support them financially?
9. How is it that he has children in two different countries, and is now in a third?
10. Does your husband support you financially?
11. What kind of a support system do you have around you? You mentioned your mother. Would she help you if you were in trouble (honestly, now)? Do you have any other family members who could help you?
12. When you say your husband is very secretive, what do you mean? What is he doing or saying, exactly (apart from this incident with his daughter and her mother)?

Perhaps I am mistaken, but your husband's behaviour raises red flags for me. If you could help clarify the situation for me, I would appreciate it, for then I could advise you more usefully, inshAllah.


May God, the Bringer of Judgement, Guide us in our decisions.

[Muhaba]

Okay first of allIyou need to be sure that is his ex because you say you don't even know her name so how can you be sure? If you are positive that it was her and it's likely your husband was with her then I think you should confront him. Since you are posting on an islamic forum, I take it you both are muslims. Therefore, you need to take islamic rules into consideration. Don't jump into conclusions and don't accuse your husband of anything. Just tell him in a matter of fact manner what you found out and because you have no information, your mind is making all sort of stories and you would be happy if he clarified the matter to you. You may want to start with something like, I have full trust in you but I know a man can have more than one wife so it would be better if you told me whether you still married to her.

You might as well also make it clear to him that you have no problem with him seeing his other wife as long as they are married but if they aren't then you shouldn't tolerate it. Because adultry is a horrible sin.

[Shalehhudin]

I am curious is she really an ex your husband? Or your husband has never divorced his past wives.

Which means basically he is doing polygamy .. Be patient and ask for advice. Hopefully Allah gives you patience and reward for being so

[aesa]

no, this wasn't even his wife, hes never been married before. This was an ex girlfriend (hes not really religious, but we kinda rushed marriage so sadly I was under a different impression) But as a disappointing update to this, I had found out a week or two later that he cheated on me twice with a DIFFERENT girl, just some girl he met at work. I talked to her and she didn't even know he was married..he wont wear his wedding ring. But he still denied cheating on me with his ex. But im in a hard situation because we only got married three months ago, I already changed my last name, im living with him, and im only 18 so I don't want to be divorced this soon. I decided ill just live with the cheating:/ he told me he wont ever again but I know once a cheater always a cheater. I really don't know what else to do because in my situation divorce is not an option. Every day I just pray that Allah will guide him to do the right thing and to have self control. I feel like that's all I can really do...

[aesa]

Assalaamu alaikum aesa,


(sigh) My dear, I would like to ask you some questions, if you don't mind.

1. You said you hardly knew this man before marrying him. How did you meet him? Did anyone who cares about you, know him? Did anyone who cares about you, check him out? When I say “who cares about you”, I mean a family member or a very close friend. As you are a revert, I wonder who could have helped you out on this one.
2. Does this man stand to gain anything from you? Such as immigration status, a green card, a place to stay or money?
3. Are you and your husband both American citizens?
4. Did you get a legal (in the US) marriage?​
5. What did he give you as mehr? Not promise, but actually give.
6. How do you know that these women are his ex-wives?
7. I realize that you love him, but deep down, if you ask yourself, do you feel secure with this man? Do you feel as if he would stand by you if you got pregnant, for example?
8. What is his relationship like with his children? Does he interact with them nearly every day? Does he support them financially?
9. How is it that he has children in two different countries, and is now in a third?
10. Does your husband support you financially?
11. What kind of a support system do you have around you? You mentioned your mother. Would she help you if you were in trouble (honestly, now)? Do you have any other family members who could help you?
12. When you say your husband is very secretive, what do you mean? What is he doing or saying, exactly (apart from this incident with his daughter and her mother)?

Perhaps I am mistaken, but your husband's behaviour raises red flags for me. If you could help clarify the situation for me, I would appreciate it, for then I could advise you more usefully, inshAllah.


May God, the Bringer of Judgement, Guide us in our decisions.

Wa alaikum salam sis,


so most of your questions are based on if he married me to use me, let me explain to you that he lost almost everything by marrying me. Before were married he was renting a room from someone and now we are homeless living in a shelter because we needed more space, he lost his job also but has since found a better one anyways, he also had to give away all his furniture and some clothes because we couldn't bring it all to the shelter so his given up a lot to be with me, he was living in America prior to marrying me so he didn't marry me for citizenship, actually we plan on moving to morocco in a couple of years anyways. He works VERY hard to support me, and other than cheating he is the ideal husband in my opinion, I guess no one is perfect.. His ex's were NOT his wifes. Im his first wife, those were past girlfriends. And yes he supports his children financially and deffinetly puts them before anything. I have two children of my own from before I converted and he treats them like his own too. He cheats though, that's his problem, and although im sure I could find a husband that is faithful to me, I honestly don't want to go through all this over again and I don't want to be divorced. I know Im settling for a cheating husband but iv been in very absusive relationships before, I would rather have a cheating husband that's treats me like a princess when hes with me rather than a faithful husband who beats me and calls me names. I can just pray one day he will be faithful to me.

[Shalehhudin]

no, this wasn't even his wife, hes never been married before. This was an ex girlfriend (hes not really religious, but we kinda rushed marriage so sadly I was under a different impression) But as a disappointing update to this, I had found out a week or two later that he cheated on me twice with a DIFFERENT girl, just some girl he met at work. I talked to her and she didn't even know he was married..he wont wear his wedding ring. But he still denied cheating on me with his ex. But im in a hard situation because we only got married three months ago, I already changed my last name, im living with him, and im only 18 so I don't want to be divorced this soon. I decided ill just live with the cheating:/ he told me he wont ever again but I know once a cheater always a cheater. I really don't know what else to do because in my situation divorce is not an option. Every day I just pray that Allah will guide him to do the right thing and to have self control. I feel like that's all I can really do...

Sister,

I understand the situation and your decision as well. If you keep praying to Allah, Insya Allah there will be solution. One thing for sure that you will get rewards from your patience. I believe Allah will give you the solution at the right time.

May Allah keep you strong..

[ardianto]

I remember when I was young and unmarried. There was a joke among the boys. "Criteria of expected wife: She must be easy to being cheated". Although that was a joke later I found few of my friends really used this criteria when they chose their wives.

Seem like your husband used this criteria too. I guessed it from his age and your age. He already 32 while you are just 18 and haven't mature enough. He sees you as a little girl who is easy to being cheated, and easily persuaded when you are angry to him.

But don't worry, Aesa, don't worry. Time can change your husband. What you should do now is build your personality to become the wise mature woman. In Shaa Allah, when you husband realize that you have turn into a mature woman, his view on you will be changed. He will stop cheat you and will turn into the better husband.

Always make du'a. May Allah bless your married life.

:)

[Marina-Aisha]

Are u sure this his ex wife? Maybe she's his wife who knows I think u should confront him. As for the jealously please b careful here is few hadith's:
JEALOUSY

Allah Ta'ala says in the Noble Qur'an,
'Do you have jealousy over those people upon whom Allah has bestowed of his favours.'

Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) also mentioned in a Hadith,
'Jealousy destroys the good deeds like how the fire burns wood.'

It is mentioned in a Hadith that when Moosa (Alayhis salaam) went to converse with Allah Ta'ala on mount Toor, then he saw a person in the shade of the Arsh. So Moosa (Alayhis salaam) desired that, 'How Nice! If I was in this place and I get this place.'

So Moosa (Alayhis salaam) asked Allah to show him the name of this person who was sitting in the shade of the Arsh. Allah told him, 'What is the need for the name? Rather ask that that what is his actions?'

This person used to do three things:

On seeing the bounties of Allah upon other he would not get jealous.
He would not disobey his parents
He would not carry tales
Hadhrat Zakariyya (Alayhis salaam) mentions that Allah Ta'ala says, 'Jealousy is the enemy of my bounty, that a person is displeased upon anything which I have given to someone'.

If we look into our lives, we see that this is the condition of our Muslim men and women, that if Allah gives anybody wealth, riches, cars, houses, shop, knowledge, beauty, etc. then we become jealous.

In one Hadith, Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said,
"Jealousy is the work of the hypocrites"

Jealousy is Haraam. But today Muslim male and female do not consider it as Haraam. It is as if it has become a play. Today we see sons become jealous of their fathers and mother, brothers get jealous of their sisters and vice-versa. family members get jealous of relatives. Whereas Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) has given great warnings regarding these people and also he has given glad-tidings of favours and big Jannat to those people whose hearts are clean of jealousy like how it is explained in the Hadith.

I know its hard but Allah doesn't give us things we can't handle. Talk Allah u will find ur answer. I hope I helped a little.
Salam.

[ardianto]

Jealousy is Haraam

Is jealousy haram?. It's depend on which jealousy that you mean. If we feel jealous because someone else is more beautiful than us, or richer than us, this is haram because this is envy. But if a wife feel jealous because her husband close with another woman, this is not envy, but natural feeling that cannot be prevented. This feeling is not haram.

[Marina-Aisha]

Is jealousy haram?. It's depend on which jealousy that you mean. If we feel jealous because someone else is more beautiful than us, or richer than us, this is haram because this is envy. But if a wife feel jealous because her husband close with another woman, this is not envy, but natural feeling that cannot be prevented. This feeling is not haram.

Sorry bro I copied when I was getting hadith...it may not be haram but it isnt good as it destroys ur good deeds.

[ardianto]

Sorry bro I copied when I was getting hadith...it may not be haram but it isnt good as it destroys ur good deeds.

That's hadith talks about jealousy which is envy, like jealous because someone is more beautiful or richer. Not about jealous in husband and wife relationship.

:)

[aesa]

Sister,

I understand the situation and your decision as well. If you keep praying to Allah, Insya Allah there will be solution. One thing for sure that you will get rewards from your patience. I believe Allah will give you the solution at the right time.

May Allah keep you strong..

Thank you brother, yes this is what keeps me strong every day, just knowing that even if this life is miserable for me & even if I never find a solution to this problem, if I have patience Allah will reward me in the hereafter inshallah. It also reminds me that no man or woman is perfect, we will always betray eachother, the only one we can really rely on and trust is Allah.

[aesa]

yes I think that's what he thought when marrying me. I asked him once why he chose me because many women wanted to marry him, he told me because i seemed quiet, sweet, innocent, and not-controlling, in other words, he thought i seemed weak so he could easily cheat on me without me getting too angry about it... And i hope your right, maybe as i get older he will realize he needs to treat me better instead of taking advantage of me like im a child.

Thank you for your advice brother (:

[jameelash]

salam,sister if ur dh is a religious hell never live wtih ex.i feel she may be his wife..in that case what can u do.he not in wrong.how long can u keep it with urself.if they still his wives ull have to accept the fact.if ex then he is doing haram.then ull have to be open chat with him or close relative to talk with him.afterall 4 wives r allowed in islam provided they r equally cared for.i doubt if he ever divorced her ..IF OTHER ONE IS STILL HIS WIFE ND DOESNT NO he is married whatll be her feeling if she comes to no of u.may ALLAH HELP UTO TAKE A GOOD DECISION

[aesa]

salam,sister if ur dh is a religious hell never live wtih ex.i feel she may be his wife..in that case what can u do.he not in wrong.how long can u keep it with urself.if they still his wives ull have to accept the fact.if ex then he is doing haram.then ull have to be open chat with him or close relative to talk with him.afterall 4 wives r allowed in islam provided they r equally cared for.i doubt if he ever divorced her ..IF OTHER ONE IS STILL HIS WIFE ND DOESNT NO he is married whatll be her feeling if she comes to no of u.may ALLAH HELP UTO TAKE A GOOD DECISION

salam,
she is NOT his wife, I really am sure of it.. She is MARRIED to someone else and lives in Italy and he lives with me in America. They only were with eachother for those few weeks while she visited with their daughter. I have already spoke to him about all this and I have spoken to her. The subject of the original post doesn't really matter anymore. In the past comments you can see he cheated on me with a different woman but NOT his ex girlfriend. That is what is bothering me, the matter of the original post has been sorted out, besides I honestly wouldn't mind if he got a second wife and he knows that. He doesn't want one though, which I don't understand, it makes more sense to have another wife rather than cheat on the one you have in order to save yourself from Allahs punishment. I guess most of my stress is just because I don't trust him at all anymore, and I don't trust that he has enough faith in Allah to stop himself from doing haram things.

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

Dear sister,

In Islam it is a serious matter to claim that someone has made adultery (cheating). Are you sure about it? Can you prove it that he has really done it? Have you clear evidences or the witnesses for it or do you just think he has done such things?

I don´t think that situation in any marriage is good if wife and husband can´t trust to each others.

[ardianto]

Salam alaykum

Dear sister,

In Islam it is a serious matter to claim that someone has made adultery (cheating). Are you sure about it? Can you prove it that he has really done it? Have you clear evidences or the witnesses for it or do you just think he has done such things?

I don´t think that situation in any marriage is good if wife and husband can´t trust to each others.

Cheating the wife does not always mean the husband commits sexual relationship with another woman. There are few level of cheating in marriage. If the husband seduces another woman then have dinner together secretly, it's considered as cheating too which will make the wife jealous and feel uncomfortable.

[rhen]

I'm sorry sister but you are setting yourself up for a very depressing future.

From what I have read so far, he just doesn't seem like good husband material at all. Why has he married you when he can't forget his (ex) if it is. I want to also state that committing adultery is a major sin in Islam. You cannot overlook this.

You have to make a stand and state your rights as a wife. Be honest with your husband (you don't need to shout at him) but clearly if he cannot manage his past properly, what will he do with you, especially if you decide to have children in the future. Do not follow what most women do, and just bear with it just because he's your husband. He does not have the right to treat you like this.

At 18, only Allah can truly judge but please think about this carefully. You're still very young.

[hisnameiszzz]

I guess most of my stress is just because I don't trust him at all anymore, and I don't trust that he has enough faith in Allah to stop himself from doing haram things.

Salaams dear,

I am not married, nor am I a marriage counselor. But from what you have said, I think you have answered your own question. If you don't trust him at all anymore, why bother putting yourself through it any longer? If he comes home late from work, you will end up worrying what he is up to and with whom. Would it really be worth going through that and not trusting him?

Some people never change. You might want to believe he will, but as the quote goes "a leopard never changes it's spots".

For your sake, I hope it changes, but you need to sit down and have a good look at what has happened and if you can genuinely trust him. If you stick with him and he goes off to Italy or wherever his daughter lives, tell him you are also going and keep a check on him.

Also, as one of the previous posters has said, only accuse him of cheating if you genuinely know he has done. Accusing people of things that are not true are classed as a major sin. This was what the sermon before Jummah namaaz yesterday was. Dear, I am not saying you are accusing him and it is not true, but just thought I would re-iterate on what one of the previous posters said.

I wish you all the best for your future. I genuinely hope it works out for you.