Assalaamu alaikum Sara,
(smile) Welcome to this Forum. (smile) You reminded me of a folk song I heard many years ago. So I looked it up on youtube, and found a rendition of it. It's not as good a rendition as the one I heard many years ago, but the gist of the story is there. (smile) So thank you for reminding me of it. (If you are curious:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8usyMDlPFC8)
But thinking over your words, it seems to me that there is more going on than just having a retiring disposition.
Why, I ask myself, do you think you are ugly? You have mentioned receiving many marriage proposals. You must therefore be particularly attractive. You also feel you are not good enough for someone. Why would you believe this? You are also dreading marriage. If you grew up in a loving and supportive family, why would you not look forward to having a nest like this, too?
(gently) It seems to me (though perhaps I am mistaken), that perhaps your family life is not as warm and kind as it could be. Who else could convince a beautiful child that she is ugly? Who else could convince a successful child that she is not worthy (and you
have been successful in your studies, haven't you)? Who else could instil such a deep-seated fear of marriage?
(gently) I have come across these problems before. And the problem was in the
family. Children absorb so much from their families. Yes, peers and authority figures have their influences. But families are where the seeds of our personalities germinate. A shy person will always be pretty shy. But if she is loved and treated kindly, she will be a shy and loving person. Quiet, but confident of her innate goodness. And looking in the mirror, she will see a quiet beauty.
(sad) And the terribly sad thing is, that if you believe yourself to be unworthy, ugly, a failure… you will attract people towards you who agree with your assessment of yourself. People who will treat you badly and denigrate you, so that they may feel strong and powerful and worthy themselves. People who very probably come from families that are similar to your own...
So it is not completely foolish that you should fear marriage.
However, (smile) the positive news is: you are still young. You can work on yourself. You can learn to see the beauty and worth you possess, and still have time to find a kind husband, I believe. (smile) It's hard, though. Especially if the voices around you continue to say other things. (sigh) I don't know what kind of conditions you are in. If you can possibly connect with other people who can affirm your self-worth, this would be the easiest. But if you cannot… there is a way to find strength and love for yourself, but you will need to dive within yourself and look for the connection you have with Allah. If you can open the channels of this connection wider, He can Gift you the strength and the love you need.
(smile) How? Well, the usual things like praying and reading the Qur'an (and understanding it) are definitely part of the equation. But there is another aspect that is very hard to describe and quantify, because it brushes on the mystical. It is the
reaching out to Allah. The active thirsting. It is the development (as I understand it) of
taqwa. Just as our sense of hearing may develop if we are blinded, so can our sense of Allah's presence be developed (particularly if we are in hardship, it seems to me). You have to sort of
throw your Self outwards/inwards towards God. (smile) I imagine it sometimes as a force-field around your Self. It can sense and react if something interacts with it. It protects you from harmful forces. And if you feed it with your attention, Allah Feeds it, too.
If you can work on your
taqwa, your connection with Allah gets stronger. And then He can Gift you through this connection, whatever it is that you need: love, firmness, knowledge… whatever.
(smile) Sorry, I don't know if this makes any sense to you. It's hard to express and put into words. (smile) I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to find ways to recalibrate distorted family patterns. (gently) And if you can find some balance and peace within yourself, you may also find the way to both love your family,
and protect yourself from their unhealthy patterns. (smile) You
may even become a healing force for them (though don't push it. If it happens, it is a Gift from Allah. Never try to make it happen. It doesn't work).
(smile) Anyway, my dear, even if my words sound a bit crazy, do believe me when I say:
you have a lot of potential. You
are worthy. Beautiful. After the burning hardships of the flames, the phoenix rises from the ashes, renewed. So can
you, my dear.
May Allah, the Nourisher, feed your heart.