fear of marriage?

[saraa21]

Salamu Alakium, I am a 24 yr old female and when it comes to marriage I feel anxious. I'm really scared. What does it mean to turn down a proposal because of extreme shyness/social anxiety? All my life I've been shy pretty much antisocial. My parents told me that someone wanted to see me. I was enraged bc I told my parents that this isn't the time, but they told me you have to sit with him. My parents said you can't keep making excuses you're getting old. That is what I did.. I sat with him after getting to know each other I declined him. I felt that he deserved someone better. I don't know why I feel like this. I fear marriage. Like I'm not good enough, i'm ugly, and I don't know anything about being an ideal wife. Being in a committed relationship for life it scares me. It's just too much pressure. In the past I used to get many proposals but I never met with any of them because I was focused with school. Now that I'm out of school I don't have any excuses anymore. There is something wrong with me.I may be alone for the rest of my life.

[drac16]

:wa:

I don't know you, but what I do know is that everyone has a type that they click with. You are desireable to someone out there. Whoever it is that you're comparing yourself to, to whom you feel inferior, know that this person doesn't have it all together. You may find someone who looks prettier than you, but that doesn't mean she would make a better wife than you. She has insecurities, too. I guarantee that you have something that she doesn't.

You have things that set you apart. My understanding of the Qur'an is that a pious husband is from Allah (a pious wife would be from the same place). He's keeping you single for the time being. Don't despise that-- use it to be fruitful in other areas of your life.

[greenhill]

The subject of marriage is cropping up a lot recently.

Do take note of the above post, everybody has their insecurities, some are better at disguising it.

Overcoming shyness is a difficult matter. It only can come from you.

How do you do it? If I can give an example, I would compare it to being in class and putting up your hand to ask a question. To overcome the fear it would be good if the question is well prepared. If you are unsure how to phrase it, chances are you will fumble your words and it will be utterly 'gibberish'.

Likewise, in preparation for identifying 'potential' spouse. What will be some basic characteristics you would like. So, when you do meet, you can have conversation about those areas important to you. From there you will have a better picture.

Be be careful with the attitude that 'he deserves a better wife than me'. That is a sure excuse NOT to put in the effort. Because you believe he deserves someone else means that you don't even have to try and just don't bother because you have already ruled yourself out of the equation.

Where is the success ever going to come from if every attempt is swiped under the carpet using every excuse?

My trick was a general thing like, faith, humour, trustworthiness, self confidence and that we share something in common. So, my questions would be to find as much as I can about my potential partner with regards to the qualities they display with regards to the list.

In that respect, it can help overcome being tongue tied and blurred...


:peace:

[uglyman]

Like I'm not good enough, i'm ugly, and I don't know anything about being an ideal wife. Being in a committed relationship for life it scares me. It's just too much pressure. In the past I used to get many proposals but I never met with any of them because I was focused with school. Now that I'm out of school I don't have any excuses anymore. There is something wrong with me.I may be alone for the rest of my life.

Salaam sister your problem is that you don't want to change your way of living and that is pretty scary when you indeed turn 30 (Booh)! You have to set aside your delusions before reality will kick-in and trust me if it does your good life that you always tried to protect will haunt you! So take the chance to settle and don't panic when change is around the corner and fear Allah. And if you can't make a decision know that you indeed will end up alone for the rest of your life feeling sorry for your bad choices to hold back the wind of change.

So what are you going to do?

1 step: Accept the wind of change
2 step: Stop wining and don't make excuses to have a temporarily way out ticket
3 step: fear Allah and accept a proposal even from a divorced men; because when you hold the wind off change, it will hound you like the devil hounds a weak heart to fill it with doubts

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[Scimitar]

the two of you suit each other, both of you consider yourselves ugly, perfect match. Get the ball rolling.

Scimi

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam.

My younger sister was a shy girl too. She was focus to her study and then her career. And indeed, she was 'cold' to the males and always rejected every guy who interested to her. It made my mother so worry because she had reach 30's age.

But accidentally my mother met a shy guy who was old enough. Then my mother and that guy mother arranged matchmaking for my sister and that guy. Succeed, although my mother must urge my sister for this. That was happened 10 years ago.

Okay, Saraa, I understand if shy girl like you has a fear of living together with someone in married life. But you must also consider your age. If you are going older and older, then your chance to get married will be smaller.

Married life is not scary, even it can make you happy, like my younger sister.

:)

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Sara,

(smile) Welcome to this Forum. (smile) You reminded me of a folk song I heard many years ago. So I looked it up on youtube, and found a rendition of it. It's not as good a rendition as the one I heard many years ago, but the gist of the story is there. (smile) So thank you for reminding me of it. (If you are curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8usyMDlPFC8)

But thinking over your words, it seems to me that there is more going on than just having a retiring disposition. Why, I ask myself, do you think you are ugly? You have mentioned receiving many marriage proposals. You must therefore be particularly attractive. You also feel you are not good enough for someone. Why would you believe this? You are also dreading marriage. If you grew up in a loving and supportive family, why would you not look forward to having a nest like this, too?

(gently) It seems to me (though perhaps I am mistaken), that perhaps your family life is not as warm and kind as it could be. Who else could convince a beautiful child that she is ugly? Who else could convince a successful child that she is not worthy (and you have been successful in your studies, haven't you)? Who else could instil such a deep-seated fear of marriage?

(gently) I have come across these problems before. And the problem was in the family. Children absorb so much from their families. Yes, peers and authority figures have their influences. But families are where the seeds of our personalities germinate. A shy person will always be pretty shy. But if she is loved and treated kindly, she will be a shy and loving person. Quiet, but confident of her innate goodness. And looking in the mirror, she will see a quiet beauty.

(sad) And the terribly sad thing is, that if you believe yourself to be unworthy, ugly, a failure… you will attract people towards you who agree with your assessment of yourself. People who will treat you badly and denigrate you, so that they may feel strong and powerful and worthy themselves. People who very probably come from families that are similar to your own...

So it is not completely foolish that you should fear marriage.

However, (smile) the positive news is: you are still young. You can work on yourself. You can learn to see the beauty and worth you possess, and still have time to find a kind husband, I believe. (smile) It's hard, though. Especially if the voices around you continue to say other things. (sigh) I don't know what kind of conditions you are in. If you can possibly connect with other people who can affirm your self-worth, this would be the easiest. But if you cannot… there is a way to find strength and love for yourself, but you will need to dive within yourself and look for the connection you have with Allah. If you can open the channels of this connection wider, He can Gift you the strength and the love you need.

(smile) How? Well, the usual things like praying and reading the Qur'an (and understanding it) are definitely part of the equation. But there is another aspect that is very hard to describe and quantify, because it brushes on the mystical. It is the reaching out to Allah. The active thirsting. It is the development (as I understand it) of taqwa. Just as our sense of hearing may develop if we are blinded, so can our sense of Allah's presence be developed (particularly if we are in hardship, it seems to me). You have to sort of throw your Self outwards/inwards towards God. (smile) I imagine it sometimes as a force-field around your Self. It can sense and react if something interacts with it. It protects you from harmful forces. And if you feed it with your attention, Allah Feeds it, too.

If you can work on your taqwa, your connection with Allah gets stronger. And then He can Gift you through this connection, whatever it is that you need: love, firmness, knowledge… whatever.

(smile) Sorry, I don't know if this makes any sense to you. It's hard to express and put into words. (smile) I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to find ways to recalibrate distorted family patterns. (gently) And if you can find some balance and peace within yourself, you may also find the way to both love your family, and protect yourself from their unhealthy patterns. (smile) You may even become a healing force for them (though don't push it. If it happens, it is a Gift from Allah. Never try to make it happen. It doesn't work).

(smile) Anyway, my dear, even if my words sound a bit crazy, do believe me when I say: you have a lot of potential. You are worthy. Beautiful. After the burning hardships of the flames, the phoenix rises from the ashes, renewed. So can you, my dear.


May Allah, the Nourisher, feed your heart.