My mother abandoned me as a child!

[kmzan64]

Alsalam Alaykum all.
I have a major issue in my life that is causing me grief and it relates to my mother. I am a 47 year old Muslim man who does not live a strict Muslim life but avoid all Haram and try to walk the righteous path.

When I was 5 years of age my mother abandoned me to go live with her mother. My parents are Syrians but had moved to live in Dubai when I was 2 years old so my father can make a future for himself and his family.

MY mother hated living in Dubai because her social life and her friends were very important to her. She caused my father a lot of grief and I remember when I was 4-5 years old all the horrible things she used to do to him. My father may his soul be in heaven was a good man who worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week to provide for his family. He died a few years ago and I miss him dearly.

The first 2 years after my mother left, my father relied on female relatives who were very abusive to me physically and one of them sexually abused me. Finally at age 8 my father married a wonderful woman who came into my life and mothered me like her own. During my youth my birth mother never contacted me other than write me hate letters against my father demanding money. I went as long as 5 years at a time not hearing from her, even though telephone calls were available to her. I went to visit her twice in Syria but she was always too busy with her friends and her social life to spend any time with me.

My older brother who happens to be 8 years older than me survived the ordeal and he moved to Syria, he blamed our father for the divorce, in his mind our father should have left his opportunities in Dubai and went back to Syria to appease my mother.

After high school my father sent me to the USA to attend a major University, I was fortunate enough to study and get both a B.Sc. and a Masters degree. I have worked and lived in the US since then.

My father and I had a mutual respect relationship, he lived his last 15 years after retiring between Dubai and Lebanon, he came to spend his last days here in the US with my family and I, he passed away in my home.

My mother continued to have nothing to do with me until my father died, my older brother never worked a day in his life, my father paid all my brother's bills and had bought him a beautiful home in Damascus.
When my father passed away, the cash cow died with him, my older brother who had not spoken to me for 20 years now wanted our mother to reach out to me help him financially. My brother had 3 grown sons all mid 20s. They also sat at home and relied on my father to support them.

Immediately after our father's death, my oldest brother entangled me and our 4 younger brothers in a major law suit in an attempt to get us removed from our father's inheritance. We have been in court for 9 years now trying to resolve what he did.

I did help my oldest brother initially even though he was trying to steal my inheritance but I insisted that he and his sons needed to secure jobs for income as I had my own responsibilities and my own 5 kids to support who are all minors.

My mother was very hateful towards me, her sentiment is that I should give half my monthly income to my brother and his sons, as it would be humiliating for my brother to go out and get a job at age 49.

My mother would verbally abuse me when she called me and tell me things like she wished I died during birth because I refused to give my brother thousands of dollars that I could not afford to give him. My oldest brother and his family lived a lavish life in Syria in one of the wealthiest parts of Damascus.

My oldest brother died 4 years ago. Since then my birth mother began wanting to have contact with me and my kids. She lives alone and I feel sorry for her, I do not hate her but I have no love for her. I talk to her nearly every day and she constantly makes financial demands of me for her, her family and my brother's adult sons and I try within my means to help. She can be very abusive at times and never has anything nice to say about my father.


My birth mother never met my kids, she has no desire to meet them, all she wants from me is money and to talk to her and listen to her abused daily. I am glad she lives in Syria, continents and Oceans away from men.

I know Allah requires of us Muslims to be kind to our parents but this woman has done nothing for me, Animals give birth daily and they abandon their young. How much more do I have to put up with. I don't mind send her money now that she has no income. She used to own percentage of a bakery which she sold to give the money to my nephews, then she sold the house my father bought her and gave the money to my nephews again as they sit at home not working.

I feel bitter, she has never done anything for me, now what would be my inheritance she sold and gave to my nephews. Why am I obligated to do anything for her or even talk to her at this point?
I love my step mother, she has always been good to me, to this day she sends me and my kids gifts, calls us and comes to visit me and have helped my American wife in so many ways to become a Muslim and understand the Arab culture so we may have a Muslim home. She never makes demands of me and treats me better than her own sons (my 3 younger brothers). Is she not more worthy of my time and effort than the woman who gave birth to me then neglected me for the rest of my life?

I am sorry for the long post but I felt I needed to explain what happened before I asked my question.

Ramadan Kareem

[Abz2000]

1.*O ye who believe! Take not my enemies and yours as friends (or protectors),- offering them (your) love, even though they have rejected the Truth that has come to you, and have (on the contrary) driven out the Prophet and yourselves (from your homes), (simply) because ye believe in Allah your Lord! If ye have come out to strive in My Way and to seek My Good Pleasure, (take them not as friends), holding secret converse of love (and friendship) with them: for I know full well all that ye conceal and all that ye reveal. And any of you that does this has strayed from the Straight Path.

2.*If they were to get the better of you, they would behave to you as enemies, and stretch forth their hands and their tongues against you for evil: and they desire that ye should reject the Truth.

3.*Of no profit to you will be your relatives and your children on the Day of Judgment: He will judge between you: for Allah sees well all that ye do.

4.*There is for you an excellent example (to follow) in Abraham and those with him, when they said to their people: "We are clear of you and of whatever ye worship besides Allah. we have rejected you, and there has arisen, between us and you, enmity and hatred for ever,- unless ye believe in Allah and Him alone": But not when Abraham said to his father: "I will pray for forgiveness for thee, though I have no power (to get) aught on thy behalf from Allah." (They prayed): "Our Lord! in Thee do we trust, and to Thee do we turn in repentance: to Thee is (our) Final Goal.

5.*"Our Lord! Make us not a (test and) trial for the Unbelievers, but forgive us, our Lord! for Thou art the Exalted in Might, the Wise."

6.*There was indeed in them an excellent example for you to follow,- for those whose hope is in Allah and in the Last Day. But if any turn away, truly Allah is Free of all Wants, Worthy of all Praise.

7.*It may be that Allah will grant love (and friendship) between you and those whom ye (now) hold as enemies. For Allah has power (over all things); And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

8.*Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who fight you not for (your) Faith nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them: for Allah loveth those who are just.

9.*Allah only forbids you, with regard to those who fight you for (your) Faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and protection). It is such as turn to them (in these circumstances), that do wrong.

10.*O ye who believe! When there come to you believing women refugees, examine (and test) them: Allah knows best as to their Faith: if ye ascertain that they are Believers, then send them not back to the Unbelievers. They are not lawful (wives) for the Unbelievers, nor are the (Unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them. But pay the Unbelievers what they have spent (on their dower), and there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. But hold not to the guardianship of unbelieving women: ask for what ye have spent on their dowers, and let the (Unbelievers) ask for what they have spent (on the dowers of women who come over to you). Such is the command of Allah. He judges (with justice) between you. And Allah is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom.

11.*And if any of your wives deserts you to the Unbelievers, and ye have an accession (by the coming over of a woman from the other side), then pay to those whose wives have deserted the equivalent of what they had spent (on their dower). And fear Allah, in Whom ye believe.

12.*O Prophet! When believing women come to thee to take the oath of fealty to thee, that they will not associate in worship any other thing whatever with Allah, that they will not steal, that they will not commit adultery (or fornication), that they will not kill their children, that they will not utter slander, intentionally forging falsehood, and that they will not disobey thee in any just matter,- then do thou receive their fealty, and pray to Allah for the forgiveness (of their sins): for Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

13.*O ye who believe! Turn not (for friendship) to people on whom is the Wrath of Allah, of the Hereafter they are already in despair, just as the Unbelievers are in despair about those (buried) in graves.


Relevant advice at 45 minutes:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kABBJTqvFrE

5*For their mother hath played the harlot: she that conceived them hath done shamefully:
for she said, I will go after my lovers, that give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, mine oil and my drink.
6*Therefore, behold, I will hedge up thy way with thorns, and make a wall, that she shall not find her paths.
7*And she shall follow after her lovers, but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them: then shall she say, I will go and return to my first husband; for then was it better with me than now.
8*For she did not know that I gave her corn, and wine, and oil, and multiplied her silver and gold, which they prepared for Baal.

(78)* الَّذِي خَلَقَنِي فَهُوَ يَهْدِينِ(79)* وَالَّذِي هُوَ يُطْعِمُنِي وَيَسْقِينِ(80)* وَإِذَا مَرِضْتُ فَهُوَ يَشْفِينِ(81)* وَالَّذِي يُمِيتُنِي ثُمَّ يُحْيِينِ(82)* وَالَّذِي أَطْمَعُ أَن يَغْفِرَ لِي خَطِيئَتِي يَوْمَ الدِّينِ

78. " Who created me, and Himself guides me,"
79. " And Himself feeds me and provides me to drink;"
80. " And whenever I am sick, then He heals me,"
81. " And Who caused me to die, then gives me life,"
82. " And Who, I hope, will forgive me my mistakes on the Day of Judgment."


The ones who perceived him as being ungrateful to his father who they assumed was feeding him had become unaware of the fact that it is Allah who was feeding themselves, his father, and him.
The disbelieving king was only quieted after he was asked to make the sun rise from the west.

[kmzan64]

Thanks for the reply but I don't see any relevance to my problem in your response. Quran to me in English makes no sense as I read it in Arabic. I would like some advise please.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


bro , very sorry to know about your problems . May Allah gives u best rewards for all ur pain and your kindness to your mother , brother .

I know give advice is very easy but it's hard to forget and forgive . Still I request u to forgive your mother , brother in this holy month of Ramadan .

Allah knows what you are doing for them , so have patience with your mom ,bro and do what u can do for them . But tell them clearly and politely about your limitations , your duties to your own kids .

Do u have any family members who can talk to your mom on behalf of u ? May be , she thinks as u live in US , u are a millionaire . In my country , many people have this misconception that anyone lives in US is very rich and s/he must do a lot for all family members.


May Allah reward you in this life and hereafter .

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[greenhill]

A very hard position you are in.

She does not deserve anything as far as I can 'feel'. The duty of the wife is to be by her husband. If she chose her friends and social circles over her duty and left her husband and kids, then she should go seek her aid from those friends and social circle.

I don't feel they deserve anything, but your obligation is something else. Ask your mother why you should do anything at all to help? If she talks of religion ask her the same? Why should you feel anything about helping when your own brother has initiated legal proceedings to have you removed from the will?

Sorry, it angers me when I read such. Hopefully, Allah treats you well.


:peace:

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum kmzan,


I... understand your pain. A mother is supposed to be full of kindness, love and support for her children. We are wired to love and trust our mothers. And when they do not care about us and betray our trust... this hurts more than any other betrayal.

On the other hand, Allah Blessed you with a father and stepmother who cared about you. It sounds as if your father's flaw was that he was perhaps too weak when faced with wrongdoing. He tended, it seems to me, to appease the corrupt. (pensively) I've been reading surah At-Tawbah, and it's tone is really quite firm when it comes to those who are steadfast in their wrongdoing.

My own understandings of how we should behave when faced with intransigent wrongdoers, is that we need to be firm. And that there is little point in forgiving those who refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing; if you "forgive and forget", this just encourages their bad behaviour and therefore is not a loving act (because bad behaviour damages the one who does it; and if we care about another, we would not want them to damage themselves).

Firm, however, does not mean we let ourselves be unjust. This is the error that many wrongdoers fall into. Because they were mistreated themselves, they've chosen to be the abuser, not the abused. (sigh) You know, I suspect that if you were to investigate your mother's childhood and family, you will find that she herself was harmed and neglected as a child. This does not excuse her own bad behaviour, but it might help you gain insights into her character (and incidentally into your own; not that you are abusive and neglectful, but understanding an abusive parent can help us avoid our own unhealthy behaviours... perhaps we are too yielding to abusive people, for instance...?). If you can understand what shaped her... perhaps you can feel some compassion?

Feeling compassion doesn't mean accepting and permitting bad behaviour. It just means you can understand who you mother is. And this can help you let go of hurt and bitterness, while keeping your heart open in case she should genuinely repent.

(smile) But perhaps you are asking yourself how this can concretely help you in your present situation? Personally, I would suggest that you treat your mother kindly. Not because she deserves anything. But because you do not want to corrupt your own heart. You don't have to love her. You shouldn't bow to her every whim. (smile) Indeed, I'd advocate being very firm, and setting limits (that you must enforce). But always in kindness.

For instance, would you want your mother to starve, or be homeless? I suspect you would not. Still, to give her money ad libitum is foolish. Islam is the Middle Way. So the search we have in this life, is to figure out how to find this balanced approach. In your mother's case, I would suggest that you either purchase or rent an apartment. It doesn't have to be lavish. But not a slum, either. Something modest, but decent. Don't put anything in her name, but rather yours. That you can pay for directly. If you have any reliable contacts in her country, I'd suggest that you have this person monitor her real needs. You could give her a monthly stipend that should reasonably cover her living costs. Enough to cover her basic needs, and a little more, so that she could reasonably be expected to live in some comfort. You could let her know that if she blew it all, or gave it away, in order to try to get more from you, that you wouldn't give more to her, and indeed, that you would need to more closely control what you gave her in the future; having your contact over there disburse the amount more gradually, for instance (weekly? Daily?), until she took more responsibility for her finances.

This kind treatment is not a question of whether she "deserves" your kindness. It's something that you need to do to preserve your decency. You are doing what is right, for the sake of Allah. You are keeping your heart clean. And you are setting a good example for your children: be kind to others, but don't let them walk all over you. If she continues to be abusive and demanding in the face of your kindness... this takes nothing away from the purity of your heart; indeed, the more you withstand, the more you will likely be rewarded in the Next life... and the more she will be punished, probably (only Allah truly Knows, though). (sigh) It is sad that she choses such a dark path. But you are not responsible for her choices. However, you are responsible for yours.

I don't want to imply that you should passively listen to her verbal abuse. I actually think this is not a good idea. I would actually suggest that you communicate with her, but that if she becomes abusive, that you kindly, but firmly, end the conversation, letting her know that you will always terminate the conversation if she is abusive with you. But also let her know that if she can speak reasonably with you, that you are open to talking with her. (gently) If you can inject some love and understanding (while remaining firm) into your speech, this is the best, in my opinion, as it opens the possibility for her to repent and change one day. (sigh) She probably won't change... but I believe that we need to keep the doors open, just in case.

Again, if she repeatedly crosses limits with you (and abusive people will try very hard to cause you to weaken your boundaries and go back to the previous status quo), then you need to tighten those limits. If she won't stop abusing and manipulating you on the phone... you can restrict communications to emails, perhaps. Or letters. Again, letting her know that if she can be polite with you, that you are open to restoring closer communications.

I would suggest that you spend some time in considering your family history, and the unhealthy dynamics within it. There are many books in the library and purchasable through the internet that can help you gain insights into your family, and how to deal with difficult people. There are also anonymous help groups (such as CODA- codependents anonymous), that might be able to help you gain understanding of your patterns of behaviour, and how to change yourself, so that you can have more balanced and fulfilling relationships with others.

(smile) And as for your lovely stepmother... not only is she a gift for you, but it sounds like you are a gift for her! (smile) She is the one who is getting the joy of your, your wife's, and your children's affection. This is not a small thing... this is the best! By all means, look after this lovely woman. Invite her for meals, send her gifts and photos and cards, and phone her and share your family joys and sorrows. (smile) Perhaps she can come and stay with you as appropriate (she has other children, too...)?

Finally, as regards your nephews (and your mother's relatives)... I personally wouldn't give them any money. I think they need to taste a little hardship... for their own good. All this laziness and greed does nothing good for their hearts. (sigh) Often, it is when we are at the bottom of a dark pit that we find the humility and strength to call out to Allah for help, and start to change. So I would leave them to their own devices, not because I hate them, but because I care enough to hope that they may choose a better path one day. Again, I believe in keeping the doors of your own heart open to sincere repentance and efforts on their behalf (a simple "sorry" and "can I have some money?"... is not sincere; it's the actual efforts a person puts in. If someone is genuinely trying hard to turn their lives around (and struggling), this is the time that a little help can be beneficial. But not before).

(gently) Changing patterns is a difficult and long process. And there is no guarantee that your mother, or your other abusive relatives will ever change. But you can change yourself in ways that can bring you closer to Allah. (smile) People like to emphasize Allah's Love, Forgiveness and Gentleness... And these are, of course, some of His Qualities. But He is also Firm, Strong, Just, Self-Sufficient... (smile) I believe that all during this life, we need to cultivate all these qualities, in order to get ever closer to Him. (smile) And it seems to me, that Allah has Gifted you with a rich and varied life to give you the opportunity to try to become one of the close ones. In sha Allah!


May Allah, the Strong and the Gentle, Help us to find the Balanced Way that leads to Him.

[kmzan64]

Thank you for your replies. I want to be clear that I do not have an issue with financially support my Mother and I will continue to do so she may live a dignified life. She lives with her brother now, my uncle is a good man and I get along with him well, he even sympathizes with my situation.
What I have a problem with is talking to her and taking her abuse, I know Allah forbids us from cutting off Alrahm, which is contact with our direct relatives so I keep taking her calls and her constant abuse. I do not wish to support my lazy nephews which my mother grinds me constantly to send them money while they spend their days and nights surfing youtbue and playing computer games. They are 30, 28 and 26 years old. When I tell my mother my concern that they are grown men now and need to support themselves and their mother, she flies off the handle calling me a heathen and a bad son, then she proceeds to make Dua'a against me asking Allah to **** me.

I am obligated by Islam to continue speaking to her and taking her calls?

[Abz2000]

"And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination."*[31:14]

And Abraham prayed for his father's forgiveness only because of a promise he had made to him. But when it became clear to him that he was an enemy to Allah, he dissociated himself from him: for Abraham was most tender-hearted, forbearing. Quran 9:114

I believe there's an arabic version of the quran available on the net and in bookshops too, why not try it if you find yourself struggling with the english translation of the meaning? ;-)

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum kmzan,


I did actually touch on this in my previous post. Basically, no, I don't think you can completely cut her off… but you can set limits. Let her know that you will talk with her if she can be civil.Tell her in a firm, but kind voice, that if she starts cursing or screaming or backbiting or whatever, that you will not tolerate that, and you will hang up the phone. Tell her in advance, and be prepared to follow through.

She will learn that if she wants to talk with you, she has to behave in a reasonable manner. If she chooses thereafter not to talk with you… then the cutting off of ties will be on her account, not yours. You should still make periodic attempts to talk with her, even if she cuts you off, but you must keep by your resolution not to accept abuse.

(gently) I know it is tempting to say once and for all: enough! But we're on this earth to struggle, so we can't take such easy exits, is my belief. (mildly) Families with dysfunctions tend to extreme solutions. If we want to have a healthy family balance, we need to look for middle-of-the-path solutions: neither tolerating all, nor completely cutting ties. What is needed are clear rules and the will to enforce these rules. (smile) Which is a lot easier said than done, I know!


May Allah, the Subduer, Help us to restrain our nafs, and find solutions to difficult situations, that Please Him.