Assalaamu alaikum Lightningshine,
Welcome to this Forum! (smile) I see you've been posting a bit already.
About marriage… well, of course Muslims are allowed to marry after divorce (or widowhood). From what I have read, it seems that in the Prophet's time, it was not uncommon for divorced and widowed women to remarry. Indeed, they seem to have been snapped up pretty quickly, even getting multiple offers, sometimes, and even when they were older.
(sigh) But this seems not to be the case in many cultures today.
Allah has Designed us to marry. Marriage is a large part of our Deen (smile. Half, indeed!). So whether we are single, divorced or widowed, we should seek to marry. Not only for our needs and wishes, but also as an act of worship, an act to help us to get closer to Allah.
But how to do this, if our culture (or other factors) makes marriage difficult for us? (smile) We try our best. We make our efforts, we ask Allah, and we trust in Him. (smile) Note I mentioned making our efforts
first? It's because all-too-often, we tend to sit back and wait for a miracle. But this life is about
struggling. (smile) Many people mistakenly believe that having
sabr means you just wait. But this is incorrect.
Sabr is a very active state. It is a struggle. Sometimes, restraining yourself when you desire something intensely is the struggle. And while to the outside world, this may look like an inaction, in reality, it is an intense action. However,
sabr may also be an obviously active state. In the Qur'an, Allah Refers to those who
fight as
sabireen! (For a more thorough explanation of this idea, please read my post on
sabr on this thread:
http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-a...5414-move.html).
(smile) It seems to me that Allah is Gifting you with the struggle to find a good spouse to marry. But I get the feeling that just grabbing the first person you can, would be a mistake. From what you have posted about your family (on this and other threads), I get the impression that there is a little imbalance, a little unhealthiness in your family. And this is probably why they didn't select a good spouse for you, incidentally. (gently) And you know, if
you had picked him, you would have probably chosen someone inappropriate too. (mildly) You are a product of your family, you know.
Does this mean there is no hope? Oh no! Quite the contrary! Because if you can become aware of a problem, then you can take steps to correct it. (smile) And while you can't change your parents or siblings, you can change
yourself, inshAllah.
So if you want to have a crack at finding a good husband, I'd suggest that you look carefully at yourself and your family's dynamics. Try to look at everybody clinically, not as a child or a sibling, but as a therapist. You could look for books to help you seek insights into what are the imbalances in your family (and yourself, remember). You could search the internet. You could perhaps speak with a therapist.
You are not doing this to disdain your family, remember, but to correct any imbalance within
yourself. (smile)
Because you have no control over anyone except yourself. And because cutting family ties is a great sin. (smile) This does not mean that you just helplessly submit to abuse. But while you may temporarily walk away to avoid abuse and confrontations, you always leave the door open for reconciliation. Lovingly (though if ever you are in danger, then you must take steps to protect yourself).
If you can slowly (and it does take time)
heal yourself (with Allah's Help), you become much more likely to be attracted to, and attract, a good man. (smile) Islam is the Middle Way. It is about balance and harmony.
So seeking to find your inner balance will not only make you more likely to marry well, but it will also bring you closer to Allah. (smile) So no matter what happens in the matrimonial department, you will be a winner, inshAllah.
(smile) I hope that this may help. My dua's are with you.
May Allah, the Bestower, Grant us that which is best for us in both this life and the Next.