please help

[Montana]

I am a single Muslim revert. I am looking to try and find a marriage partner Inshallah.


I understand that when meeting people online, A lot of importance is placed on verifying someone’s background. There are lots of bad people out there. About a year ago I had something horrible happen to me. It was very unusual, terrible experience, and I do not want to go into detail about it. I used to not take my religion that seriously before this happened to me. I used to listen to music very often. I started hearing and seeing strange things in music and on television. It happened very suddenly. It got progressively worse, and I started to have intense dreams, very disturbing thoughts, and other things happen. I didn’t know how crazy my thoughts were at the time, but looking back it is obvious that I was completely out of my mind. The whole time I thought that I was being harassed by jinn. At the end I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep for at least 5 days and I neglected my sallah. Looking back now, I think that if I had prayed more and reacted to the situation in a better manner, things would have turned out better. I do not want to go into any more detail about this. I do not want to tell a scary story. Neglecting my prayers was a really dumb thing to do, considering what was happening to me. I’ve learned a lot more about Islam and the Sunnah since I was released from jail. I am almost certain that this will not happen again in the future Inshallah. If it does, I will handle it much differently. God is the one that is in complete control of the situation. He has all of the power.


My parents noticed that something was wrong with me. Eventually my mother became worried and suggested that I see a doctor. My dad thought that I was on drugs. I had not used any serious drugs since my conversion to Islam a few years before, only marijuana, and I was not using it when this happened. Considering my past, my dad thought I would eventually come out of it so he kind of played along with the crazy things I was saying. That made things a lot worse. I do not blame him for what happened; he was only trying to help me. Completely delirious, at the end I thought that by taking a bath I could get rid of what was bothering me. I live in a house next door to my parents. Eventually they became concerned and came over. They pounded on the door to the bathroom and broke through the lock to come in. This was beyond scary to me at this point. I kept yelling at them to leave, thinking they were not themselves and that they were trying to stop me from fixing things. They thought I was in the bathroom doing drugs. Eventually my dad put his hand on my back and I thought that he threatened me.


I snapped and struck them, then ran outside. My parents were not seriously injured. It felt like I went away, like I wasn’t there at all when this happened. I was only an observer. In the back of my mind I was only trying to escape, to somehow change the colors of things around me. The police arrested me while I was running through a field without clothes on, talking to myself. (We live in a very rural area.) The police thought I was on PCP because I had a deep cut on my knee and didn’t feel it at the time. After they came up and talked to me, I kind of came back to reality. They took me to the hospital and got my knee stitched up after hours of questioning me. I was giving them completely delirious answers and they wanted to keep me talking so they had the doctor wait to stitch up my knee. After I got booked in to jail, my mind slowly started to return to normal. God saved me from whatever was happening to me. I kept to my sallah more that I had before this happened. Things started to get better and better. After the guards stopped being abusive and moved me out of a holding cell (the police greatly exaggerated everything that happened and my urine came back from the lab clean) I felt great relief. Coming from the terrible mental place I was at for that period of time, It is hard to describe the great relief that I felt. The worst part was concern for my parents. I couldn’t see them for 2 months because of a restraining order the police had enforced. My doctor told them I was probably Schizophrenic. The police didn’t want to believe it and sent my urine to another lab. My parents persisted in trying to see me. They didn’t want to press charges at all, they only wanted me to get help. Finally they wrote a letter directly to the judge and he dropped the restraining order. I was relieved to find out that my parents were way better off than the police had told everyone that they were. They were just really worried about me. It is very sad to think about. But thanks to God everything is better now. All I can do now is hope that I can earn forgiveness from him.


I went to a mental health facility for a court ordered evaluation. They diagnosed me with having Schizophreniform disorder, which really means they have no clue what was wrong with me, but in the eyes of the law, I wasn’t responsible for my actions. I signed a plea deal for felony criminal endangerment. I am waiting to be sentenced and will most likely get 3 years probation. It will be over in half the time with good behavior. My parents are understanding and have forgiven me for what happened. I have never been violent in the past, and I am not the kind of person to do such things.



How can I explain this to people? I know I can’t just lie about what happened. Schizophrenia has a serious social stigma that comes along with it. I do not have these mental problems at the moment; I think it was just a onetime event that was seriously mishandled. If I go into detail about what happened, that would be even more likely to turn people away. I can try to meet someone in person and bring all this up at a later time, but the nearest mesjid is very far away. What should I do?

[umairlooms]

perhaps the best thing, I SUGGEST is to meet a mental health professional, who is also a muslim
(not impossible) and they can help you out with finding a fit person as well.

I too have suffered from mental disorders and still see a shrink. Nothing to be ashamed about.
Start by finding a mental health professional , who is a muslim as well, and take it from there.

[umairlooms]

May Allah bless you

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum

Please have a look at this thread.

http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...nia-helps.html

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[Abz2000]

God knows best what you conceal in your heart and what you reveal.
And He is the best to judge.

[Montana]

Thank you. The article is helpful, and I am trying to stay vigilant even though I am no longer experiencing any symptoms. When my symptoms were at their peak, listening to the Quran was the only comforting thing that I had.


I am taking medication at the moment. I haven’t been able to talk to any mental health people since my release. I called the local place and they said that I couldn’t have any contact with them until I am sentenced, even though I have been diagnosed. Not that I need to at the moment, but I think I should at least have the option. It would be nice to a Muslim mental health professional, because he might be able to offer some deeper insight into what happened to me, but I doubt there is one even remotely close to this part of the country. There are not very many Muslims around here.

I think they labeled it as Schizophreniform disorder because I had experienced all of the textbook symptoms of Schizophrenia to a very severe degree, but they were not persistent. They thought that it was brought on by a buildup of stress, but no one can be absolutely certain. Schizophrenia is a really broad term to try and categorize mental illnesses that people don’t understand the cause of. I can understand the overwhelming feeling of having to deal with this on a day to day basis. Thank God that that is not the case in this instance and Inshallah I will remain in good health.

[Lady A]

:sl:

Brother, I think it's okay to tell a potential about this problem. You're not currently experiencing episodes, but who knows about the future? An understanding wife will help you get through the chaos if you were to have an episode during your marriage.
Look at Prophet Muhammad's SAW wife, Khadija RA; he came trembling from the cave and asked her to wrap him. She didn't turn away from him during his time of confusion and chaos.

May Allah make the marriage process easier for you, grant you a pious and understanding wife, and ease your struggles with schizophrenia, Ameen.