My beloved Murder-in-Law

[Khalid Saifullah]

Mother-in-laws should not have great expectations of their daughter-in-laws. She does is not of the same age or has the same level of maturity and responsibility. But, be good to her anyways. You set the pace of the relationship. In time, the daughter-in-law will change and adapt to the situation.

The Mother-in-Law must be concerned about fulfilling her Daughter-in-laws rights. Must adopt a stance of tolerance from the start because your son’s wife comes from a different house and a different background. Be e system of her more tolerant and overlooking than her. She needs to grow.

The biggest problem is that mother’s don’t want to let go of their sons. Generally, mothers love their sons more, so the daughter-in-law must learn to please her mother-in-law and learn her style: “Key to happiness is through the mother-in-law.” If she does this, her whole family will be happy, if not her husband will be torn between his wife and mother. Girls can adapt faster than boys hence the system of her leaving her home and coming to a new home.

You are not marrying a person, but a family. A new wife needs to know that this is a start to a new relationship and she needs to prove herself.

When the couple has problems, the mother-in-law is the best person to help, and not her parents. She will want the best for her son and his wife, but sometimes the wife’s parents will give wrong advise like: “As soon as anything goes wrong, just phone and I will pick you up.” Sometimes, parents themselves are the biggest cause of their children’s marriage breakup. They say: “You don’t have to serve your mother-in-law.” Although Islamically this is correct, and a daughter-in-law can not be forced to serve her in-laws, in which other way can she win their respect and earn their duas?

A daughter-in-law should know the basics of being a wife and know basic cooking, financial management and house-keeping. It must not be beyond her dignity to learn cooking from her mother-in-law to kep her husband satisfied. He will appreciate this better than the Wimpy Mega Burger or Nando’s Chicken Strips.

Mother-in-Laws should never be nasty to their daughter-in-laws as their son will be affected. She might even lose her son in this way for good. Don’t treat her as a free “maid” and give her due respect. Remember by her marrying your son she has now acquired a lot of power in the family. She can either unite the family or break it.

Daughter-in-laws should never have the western notion that a mother-in-law is a monster-in-law or a murder-in-law, and typically not worth having an understanding with her. This is very unfair and un-Islamic.

Daughter-in-Law: Expect problems and give it time. All relationships go through rough patches and need time to get sorted out.

Problem is that mother-in-laws sometimes impose their previous experience of being a daughter-in-law on her new daughter-in-law and misread the situation. The generations are different!

Also, initially we all get caught up emin the sentimental trap of my mother-in-law is my mother and my daughter-in-law is my daughter. In fact, this is the standard advise to all new brides, but it’s a disaster. You have high expectations of your daughters and can discipline and speak to them in a certain way. They wouldn’t mind.ge If they flopped the cake you can tell them directly: “You made a flop. Couldn’t you countfour eggs instead of two?” But you cant speak in this way to your daughter-in-ls otw. She will not appreciate it and the resentment will crop in. The speech must be carefully controlled on both sides or else the poor husband will be confused in the middle. He cant take his wife’s part nor his mother’s and nowadays, ultimately the son breaks up with his parents and all are losers in the end.

It is not advisable to live together with in-laws initially. However, if they are aged then the daughter-in-law can opt to shift in in order to serve her in-laws and acquire jannat. But it is not advised initially. A daughter-in-law is not a daughter and don’t have such expectations of her.

[ajr]

How true....i do think we enter marriages with the concept already in place...we tend to arrogantly view in laws especially mother in laws with a 'cruella de ville' attitude and so the saga starts...each woman views her mother as the best, so anything a mother in law does becomes like a competition, my mother doesnt do it like that or my mommy said i should do it like this, it can become really taxing on a 'mother in law' and so the war starts...What young women fail to understand is that each household is different, mothers rear their kids differently and so we as 'daughter in laws' should embrace this new path with a little more patience, however hard it maybe. A son to a mother is something no mother can truly explain.

Mother in laws should also view it on the same principal, that each family is different, so welcoming a new member into their fold should be a delicate process...Unfortunately its all easier said than done.

Respect is still deserved, no matter what the 'monster-in-law syndrome' says...even if only it be that 'she gave birth to the man i love and that is his jannah'

Today we have kids disrespecting their own parents, which is sad, how then can we expect them to respect and adhere to another family lifestyle and ways.

[HappyMuslimaa]

Subhanallah,
My family is going through this exact situation right now. I married my husband almost a year ago now, we did not live in their home long but we do live extremely close. I actually joined this forum to seek advice about this situation subtly, and also to talk to other muslimahs. At the beginning I was very happy, I was clueless as to what I was getting into. The behaviors and extreme(to me) requests I thought were only because we were newlyweds and things needed to feel themselves out. Then arguments took place about things I had no idea ofofa. So much that I began to think there should have been a disclaimer somewhere. I pray, and make dua on it for me and my husband to make it through constantly. The situation is now effecting my well being. Subhanallah that I stumbled upon this post. Jazakallah khayr for sharing.