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Jacob19
11-24-2015, 10:57 PM
Hello,

I'm currently at uni and met a Muslim girl here and we became friends and ended up sleeping together. We've been in a casual relationship for like 3 months but now she says she wants to stop because it's wrong and against her religion. She said she can only continue the relationship if I convert to Islam and get married to her :hmm:

She is a great girl, she is funny, gorgeous, intelligent and we get on really well.. she is perfect! So I want to know if she is actually telling the truth? Marriage seems a bit extreme, I'm 19 for heavens sake I ain't ready for marriage lol.

She says if her parents found out they would disown her but then she still comes to my room and wants to spend time me with so I'm getting a kinda mixed message... Do I need to convert or what? -_-
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11-24-2015, 11:17 PM
:bism:

Hi, Jacob! Welcome to our board, bro!

Unfortunately for you, bro, she's telling the truth: Islam asks boys and girls to stay chaste until marriage.

Aww, I'm glad you think she's perfect, as it sounds like you really like her.

That said, from an Islamic perspective, a person's most important attributes are excellent character and excellent manners. As flawed beings, we can all fall into sin, but the thing to do after falling into sin is to repent of the sin and make a positive change; and it sounds like she's trying to do that by being honest with you and informing you about what Islam's position is on this premarital relationship.

Ahh! You sound like such a guy - lol! and I'm rolling my eyes here a bit @ "i ain't ready for marriage bit." But no, seriously, marriage at 19 isn't that young; there so many people who have made it work. For example, in the South in the United States, young marriage is not that uncommon. And there are benefits to it too, ya know!

She's probably telling the truth about her parents disowning her if they found out; from their perspective, it would be a source of both social chagrin and personal heartache to have a daughter who didn't value herself enough to save herself for marriage.

Yeah, why not covert, bro? You said you love her or at least I assume you do! You're in uni, I know, I know. In your free time though, you can take time to study Islam together after your conversion, and God-willing you will find that you made the best decision of your life in converting. Make sense?
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Search
11-24-2015, 11:21 PM
:bism:

Any other question I can answer for you, bro?

Or if you have any concerns, feel free to share. You're among friends here In-sha-Allah (God-willing).
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MuslimInshallah
11-25-2015, 03:37 AM
Greetings Jacob,


(smile) You sound like a sincere and rather nice young man.

Yes, she is telling you the truth. Premarital sex is a no-no in Islam, and yes, her parents may well be rather upset about this. And the fact that she is feeling perturbed by her present situation means that she has a feeling heart. (smile) She is also obviously as attracted to you as you are to her.

Should you convert? (smile) You should do what your heart calls you to do. (smile) I don't mean your passion. I mean your feelings about God. I think that the greatest gift you could give this young woman would be to take a step back on the physical side, while reassuring her that you care about her to the point that you want to know more about her faith.

(smile) And then take some time to look into Islam. Read the Qur'an (I recommend Yahya Emerick's translation The Meaning of the Holy Qur'an in Today's English (extended study edition). See if you can find some open-minded Muslims you feel comfortable with to discuss Islam. Look around for books about Islam. Look for any that speak to you (not all books will). (smile) And reconnect with nature. Go for walks in the woods (or snowshoe or whatever if it's wintertime where you are). Go somewhere where the skies are dark enough to see the stars. Contemplate bodies of water. Let God's Signs speak to you.

(smile) You see, if you make your journey to Islam for the sake of a woman, you will only get the benefit of a woman. But if you make the journey for the sake of God... (smile) then you will get something far greater. (twinkle) And perhaps God will Gift you with a good wife, too. And a harmonious family life.

(smile) Yes, you are only 19... but this is old enough to take on the responsibility for finding your bearings and focus in life. And then, if God so Wills, perhaps you will find that inner sense of steadiness that will open up the doors for you to take on the responsibilities of a wife and possible children.

(smile) I do wish you all the best. And do realize that you'll need to reassure your Juliette. (serious) And that she, too, could perhaps take this time of discovery to look deeper into Islam, too. Not just the things she has absorbed from her parents, but as an adult, with a critical mind and questing heart.


May God, our Subtle Creator, Guide us to the Even Path that leads to Him.
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Ummshareef
11-25-2015, 08:54 AM
Dear Jacob,
You have been given excellent advice above. Sleeping together in a casual relationship is considered wrong in most religions, not just Islam, so please refrain from it whatever you decide to do. To give you an idea how seriously it is viewed in our religion, there is even a specific punishment prescribed in the Qur'an for the sin of fornication. The best thing for you to do now is to apologise for leading her astray and to agree to separate until you are ready to get married, which will only be possible if you become a Muslim. To become a Muslim, you will need to read up about our religion and start to develop your faith and ultimately be prepared to fully submit to God and adopt His way of life. There are some great on-line resources that you can use to find out about our beliefs and how we worship. If and when you are ready, you can take your declaration of faith, known as the Shahada, and only then would you be able to contact her again, this time in the presence of her parents. Then, God-willing, you can marry her - there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married at 19. To be clear, it is absolutely forbidden for men and women to be alone together in Islam and it is forbidden for a Muslim girl to marry a non-Muslim, so please, this relationship must stop unless you decide to take the above steps. I do hope this helps you understand why her parents would be upset. May you be guided to make the best decision for you both.
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greenhill
11-25-2015, 05:22 PM
Is it a coincidence that all the replies so far have come from the ladies? ;D

Here's one from the boys... her dad will probably shoot you for sleeping with her... at 19? (almost kidding)...

Like sis @Ummshareef says, sleeping together..... is considered wrong in most religions, islamic views on the matter has not been diluted since it was given as a 'reminder' all those years ago, neither has its views on alcohol, modesty etc, etc.

Western influence has eroded some, and your gal momentarily fell under its spell. I'm glad she came to her senses and I'm even more glad that it has resulted in you being here.

With that, I welcome you to the forum. I wish you a great stay!

:peace:

p.s. - Personally, I recommend you take an hour and half to tune into YouTube, Jeffrey Lang, the Purpose of Life.
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Jacob19
11-25-2015, 05:36 PM
Originally Posted by Ummshareef
Dear Jacob,
You have been given excellent advice above. Sleeping together in a casual relationship is considered wrong in most religions, not just Islam, so please refrain from it whatever you decide to do. To give you an idea how seriously it is viewed in our religion, there is even a specific punishment prescribed in the Qur'an for the sin of fornication. The best thing for you to do now is to apologise for leading her astray and to agree to separate until you are ready to get married, which will only be possible if you become a Muslim. To become a Muslim, you will need to read up about our religion and start to develop your faith and ultimately be prepared to fully submit to God and adopt His way of life. There are some great on-line resources that you can use to find out about our beliefs and how we worship. If and when you are ready, you can take your declaration of faith, known as the Shahada, and only then would you be able to contact her again, this time in the presence of her parents. Then, God-willing, you can marry her - there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married at 19. To be clear, it is absolutely forbidden for men and women to be alone together in Islam and it is forbidden for a Muslim girl to marry a non-Muslim, so please, this relationship must stop unless you decide to take the above steps. I do hope this helps you understand why her parents would be upset. May you be guided to make the best decision for you both.

I don't want to pretend that I actually believe in god just so I can be with her because then our entire relationship is founded on a lie and I can't do that to her. The problem is I can't stay away from her and I think about her all the time. Converting just so I can be with her seems like a terrible plan though. I guess I'll look into Islam, I have nothing to lose. We both live in the same halls and are studying the same subject so we bump into each other several times a day.

I have not been leading her astray... We met each other, got talking and just got on really well. I have never and would never encourage her to drink alcohol or anything. Every decision she has made with me she has been of sound mind and not corrupted by alcohol or anything. Cheers for the advice I'll see what happens I guess.
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Search
11-25-2015, 06:12 PM
:bism:

Hi, Jacob! Thanks for coming back to the board.

If you want to look into Islam, that's great! I'd love to PM you some resources to start.

That being said, I don't think you would be lying if you initially convert just for her.

Early history of the Sahaba (Companions) r.a. (may God be pleased with them) lays testament to the fact that many of them didn't initially have complete faith in Islam when they initially converted; and yet when they lived the life of a Muslim person, their heart testified to Islam.

Also, my sheikh (Islamic) teacher used to say that when you give shahada (testimony of faith), that shahada becomes the responsibility of God.

Originally Posted by Jacob19
I don't want to pretend that I actually believe in god just so I can be with her because then our entire relationship is founded on a lie and I can't do that to her. The problem is I can't stay away from her and I think about her all the time. Converting just so I can be with her seems like a terrible plan though. I guess I'll look into Islam, I have nothing to lose. We both live in the same halls and are studying the same subject so we bump into each other several times a day.

I have not been leading her astray... We met each other, got talking and just got on really well. I have never and would never encourage her to drink alcohol or anything. Every decision she has made with me she has been of sound mind and not corrupted by alcohol or anything. Cheers for the advice I'll see what happens I guess.
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Search
11-25-2015, 06:22 PM
:bism:

Hi Jacob!

I sent you the PM with resources on Islam.

Please tell me if you didn't receive it or can't access it. Thanks in advance.
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Jacob19
11-25-2015, 06:31 PM
Originally Posted by Search
:bism:

Hi Jacob!

I sent you the PM with resources on Islam.

Please tell me if you didn't receive it or can't access it. Thanks in advance.
I received the PM but I cannot reply back to it because I only have 50 posts. Thanks for the links and I'll check them out.
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Search
11-25-2015, 06:36 PM
:bism:

Originally Posted by Jacob19
I received the PM but I cannot reply back to it because I only have 50 posts. Thanks for the links and I'll check them out.
Glad you received the PM.

No problem, Jacob! I'm happy to be of any assistance or service if I can.

You take care of yourself!
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