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Ed123
01-06-2016, 10:09 PM
Assalamu Alaikum,


I am a boy and have a very big and bulbous nose, and the shape of the nose is "UGLY". My face looks "ugly" for my ugly nose. I am single and 26 years old. My "BIGGEST DREAM" in my life is - to marry a beautiful girl. The truth is - I cannot marry someone who is NOT attractive to me :( :( :(


I extremely fear that I will be rejected by any attractive girl for my ugly face. May be I have to be alone for my whole life if all the attractive girls reject me.




Can I get a nose job JUST to make my nose "NOT UGLY"?






(It's EXTREMELY RARE that I found someone else with an ugly nose like mine :( )




Please reply asap. Thanks.
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farhan
01-07-2016, 12:14 AM
:wa:

Brother have you heard of "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Am sure you don't look too bad :).

May Allah grant you a pious beautiful wife. Ameen.

Please read this fatwa by IslamQa on beautification:

The second type of cosmetic surgery is that which is done for the purpose of beautification.

These are operations that are done to improve the appearance in the eye of the beholder, such as making the nose look more beautiful by making it smaller, or making the breasts look more beautiful by making them smaller or larger, or facelifts, and so on.

This kind of surgery is not for any necessary reason, rather the purpose is to change the creation of Allaah and tinker with it according to people’s whims and desires. So this is haraam and it is not permissible to do it, because it is changing the creation of Allaah.
https://islamqa.info/en/47694
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Muslim Woman
01-07-2016, 04:46 AM
:wa:



bro , make dua to Allah to strengthen your faith and bless u with a pious wife . Forget about nose , Allah won't look at your nose on the final day . Instead you will be accountable for your deeds.

Don't waste anymore precious time by thinking over nose . Life is toooo short to waste time like this . May Allah bless u .
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Alpha Dude
01-07-2016, 07:20 AM
Wa alaykum salam,

I would say there may be a dispensation in your particular case.

The above fatwa is saying not to do a nose job or other kind of cosmetic surgery for the purpose of beautification - however, as you mention, your case is a little different in that you have a very rare shaped nose that is very unsightly and you want to 'correct' that. My advice would be to go in person to a shaykh who is knowledgeable and known to have wisdom and ask him this question for your specific case.
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Alpha Dude
01-07-2016, 07:22 AM
My "BIGGEST DREAM" in my life is - to marry a beautiful girl.
Oh, about this - you should change your dream man. For one thing, beauty is temporary. Looks will fade. Secondly, as a Muslim, you should align your biggest dream with making Allah happy with you such that he forgives your sins, protects you from the hell fire and grants you admission into paradise.
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greenhill
01-07-2016, 07:40 AM
Welcome to the forum.

I guess the responses above gives clear perspectives on your query. The decision is now yours to make.

With your acceptance of your situation you might find every moment in your life blessed to a certain degree for persevering rather than non at all. Allah knows best.

Wishing you a great stay.

:peace:
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Futuwwa
01-07-2016, 08:15 AM
Brother, you're making a far too big deal about it. The attractiveness of a man depends far less on appearance than that of a woman. Focus on accumulating wealth, power and status, and develop an assertive, confident, charismatic personality. If you do that, your nose won't be a liability. Then, it might even be an advantage, as it means you have a more distinct appearance and are more easily remembered.
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M.I.A.
01-07-2016, 01:17 PM
Grow a personality to hide your nose... Sorry I meant beard.

I'm kidding I recently got a spot on my nose..it will probably go away if I don't pick at it.

But seriously you will grow into it.. I meant, as you grow as a PERSON you will find better ideals for yourself and your potential partners.

I mean I thought mj was perfect as he was.

Most my jokes are in poor taste, that's why I'm so bitter.

...sorry
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hisnameiszzz
01-07-2016, 01:38 PM
Hi Ed,

Sorry you are having issues with your nose. I have the same problem with my eyes. One of them opens more than the other one does. It's more of a problem when I don't sleep well, one opens a lot wider than the other. It used to really bother me. When my niece was a little girl, she would ask me why I had a wonky eye and it used to get me very upset. It also upset me that everyone else had perfect eyes and I didn't know a single person who had the same problem as me.

I thought about having it altered medically so both would open the same like everyone else. I looked at the prices but could not afford them, and then I read horror stories about it going wrong and people ending up with eyes that were even more strange and even going blind at times.

To this day, strangers look at me funny but it no longer bothers me. Allah made me this way for some reason, not entirely sure what that reason is, but I will have to accept it.

Friends and family have accepted me for how I look and no one utters a word. One of my closest friends at work, who follows no faith, yells at me if I ever mention my eye. She says it is perfectly fine and she can't see what I am moaning about.

Be happy for who you are and how you look. I know it's easier said than done, but good luck.
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M.I.A.
01-07-2016, 02:08 PM
I think I should post again just to reiterate the above sentiment..

Everyone goes through a time where they are at odds with who they are.. Whatever form it may take.

Struggle through it, persevere and come out better on the other side.

And sometimes we can all say the wrong thing, so don't let it get you down. We are all things to all people..

Allah swt make it easy for you and hopefully you can make it easier for others.


...we are all at odds with the man in the mirror

...sorry :/
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Ed123
01-07-2016, 09:37 PM
Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
Oh, about this - you should change your dream man. For one thing, beauty is temporary. Looks will fade. Secondly, as a Muslim, you should align your biggest dream with making Allah happy with you such that he forgives your sins, protects you from the hell fire and grants you admission into paradise.
Brother, if I do not feel "physical attraction" towards the girl, then I will not marry her :( I don't want to have a married life in which I will Not feel any "physical attraction" towards my wife :( :( :( I should say "Biggest necessity" instead of Biggest dream :(
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Ed123
01-07-2016, 09:57 PM
Originally Posted by Futuwwa
The attractiveness of a man depends far less on appearance than that of a woman. Focus on accumulating wealth, power and status, and develop an assertive, confident, charismatic personality. If you do that, your nose won't be a liability.
Brother, pretty girls also want "at least" Average-looking man. I never seen a pretty wife with an ugly or "Below-average" husband. Obviously there are some exceptions, but they are NOT the usual scene.
And my personality is Not charismatic, not even near to it. I have an "Average" personality at best...
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sister herb
01-07-2016, 10:47 PM
Brother, would you like that girl who you will marry, will like you because of who you are and what kind of person you are or because what you are looking for?

Let me tell you a secret; if she likes you as kind of person as you are, then you are the most handsome man of the world - in hers eyes.

I advice that you stop looking your nose and instead try to be kind person and good Muslim. After years have gone, the beauty of face is just an old memory.
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ardianto
01-07-2016, 11:43 PM
I was a good looking guy, but I was not obsessed to marry beautiful girl. First, because I knew, if I expect beautiful girl I should compete with other good looking guys and I could be lose in the competition. Second, because I already learned that not woman's beauty that would make a man happy, but how this woman treat her man.

Yes, I was good looking guy, and my biggest dream was marry a girl who didn't look at my handsomeness, but looked at my heart. Do you know bro?. If a girl attracted to your handsomeness, actually she is attracted to every good looking guy around her. Do you want to get experience like mine?, which an attractive girl approached you and made you happy, but then you realize that you were just an alternative choice for her if she could not get another good looking guy?.

It's okay to get nose job if your nose if abnormal because that fatwa apply only for cases which someone has normal body part but want to change it. But are you sure your nose is abnormal?, not just big and bulbous but still normal like some other people?. My nose is not beautiful. It's big enough and flat, but I never want to change it because I feel grateful that with nose like this I still look good in people eyes.

I have met few guys with abnormal physical condition, and have read stories about other guys like them. And no one of them expect to marry beautiful girl. For them, if a girl could accept them, they have been grateful. This is why I ask you, are you sure your nose is abnormal?.

Your problem happen because your obsession to marry only beautiful girl. But you don't have confidence because realize that you are not handsome. Then you started to seek a 'mistake' in your physical appearance, and you blame your nose. Nose job might be will make you feel better for a moment, but immediately you will start to compare yourself with other men, and you will lost your confident again. This is why there are people who do cosmetic surgery again and again.

Do not envy to the men who can get beautiful women because probably they are not happy with their beautiful wives. Just see the reality, how many men who married beautiful women but then get divorced.

Not every woman see a man on his physical appearance. There are many women who see a man on his heart. If you have beautiful heart, then you will look good in their eyes although you are not physically handsome. Do not look women on their physical beauties, but look at their heart. Then they will look at your heart too, and In Shaa Allah, at least one of them will open her heart for you.

Be liked by a woman because handsomeness will make you worry that she would go immediately if another good looking man comes into her life. This is the time when you will start expect to meet a woman who can look at your heart, not your handsomeness.

One thing that made me grateful in my life was I've ever married a woman who look into my heart. She still loved me although then I turned into fat man and lost my handsomeness. It made me grateful and happy although Allah has called her return to Him in 2013.
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ardianto
01-08-2016, 12:58 AM
There is difference between handsome and good looking. Handsome man is good looking. But good looking man is not always handsome. If you look around then you can find men who look charismatic although they are not physically handsome. You can build yourself to become charismatic man that look good in the women eyes if you have good self confidence. But it would not happen if you still see a woman only on her physical beauty. Women will know it from your eyes, from how you look at them. And it will reduce your value in their eyes.

Do you know bro?, women really appreciate a man who does not judge a woman by her beauty. And if you can become a man like this, then they will have positive image on you.
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Ed123
01-08-2016, 04:05 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
I was a good looking guy, but I was not obsessed to marry beautiful girl.
Brother, I am obsessed because that fulfills my natural need. NATURALLY, I do Not feel "physical attraction" to a girl who is Not attractive.(Sorry I am being honest :( :( )
But it's very usual that any pretty girl will reject me because I am NOT at least "average-looking".
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Ed123
01-08-2016, 04:07 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
It made me grateful and happy although Allah has called her return to Him in 2013.
Sorry to hear that :(
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ardianto
01-08-2016, 09:10 AM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Brother, I am obsessed because that fulfills my natural need. NATURALLY, I do Not feel "physical attraction" to a girl who is Not attractive.(Sorry I am being honest :( :( )
But it's very usual that any pretty girl will reject me because I am NOT at least "average-looking".
Basically every man want to get beautiful woman. But then mostly of them change their expectation from beautiful woman into a woman who has beautiful heart. Physical beauty no longer matter. It's because they see the reality. Beautiful women are not much in number, while men who expect them are very much. If they still expect beautiful women, they would never get married.

Young bro, learn to see a woman not on her physical beauty, but on her heart. In Shaa Allah, then you will be able to interested to a woman although she is not physically beautiful.

As I have explained in my previous post, there is difference between handsome and good looking. A man doesn't need to be handsome to look good. You can improve your appearance too if you learn how to dress, how to behave toward the other. Then women will have positive image on you, and you will look good in their eyes. You can, young bro, you can.

:)
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sister herb
01-08-2016, 09:50 AM
Note the illusion of beauty what makeup causes. When you look at women at the street (oops, you shouldn´t as you should lower your gaze), you can´t be sure are they really what they are looking like as many use make up. If you have ever seen pics about the top models without make up (and without photoshopping), you would see that most of them look very average. And at the same time they are just those role models which create to people the idea of the beautiful woman.
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Ed123
01-09-2016, 07:49 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
You can improve your appearance too if you learn how to dress, how to behave toward the other.
an ugly man will be ugly forever even if he wears the most smartest or expensive dress in the world. are you giving me false hope?
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Ed123
01-09-2016, 08:12 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Beautiful women are not much in number, while men who expect them are very much. If they still expect beautiful women, they would never get married.
So I can be almost sure that I am NOT getting a beautiful or pretty wife.
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ardianto
01-09-2016, 10:10 AM
Originally Posted by Ed123
So I can be almost sure that I am NOT getting a beautiful or pretty wife.
I was good looking guy that be liked by the girls. But even with this condition I did not expect to marry beautiful girl because I knew the reality. If I tried to approach a beautiful girl, then I would face competition against other guys who may be better than me, and very possible I would lose. Then if I always lost?. I would never get married. That's why I just expect to meet a girl with good heart who could accept me. Not beautiful was okay.

Later this principle made me lucky. My ex-classmate in highschool interested to me, and tried to approach me through my mother. And, ... she was a beautiful girl. That's why when someone asked me how I got my wife?, I answer "I didn't get her. But she got me".

Amazing?. There was something behind this luck. The cause why I looked special in her eyes was because I didn't see her as beautiful girl, but I always saw her as just a girl. And I always kind to her and treated her well without I ever tried to get her. This made me different than other guys around her who saw her as beautiful girl and tried to approach her.

There is a secret about beautiful women. A beautiful woman actually is always worries that she would not be loved if she was not beautiful. She is also afraid, if she get married and then she lose her beauty, her husband will abandon her. That's why, in the heart, a beautiful woman really expect to get a man who can love her not because her beauty.

So bro, if you want to get a luck which you can get beautiful woman, then you should not dream to get beautiful woman. You have to be able to behave well to all women without differentiate the women from their beauties. You have to be able to love a woman, not because her beauty. If you could become a man like this, then you would look special in the women eyes.

Another secret. A woman can feel if a man look at her with lustful eyes. And it will make the value of this man reduced so much in the eyes of good woman. Do you know bro, if you see a woman only on her beauty, then your heart will be filled with lust that would be seen in your eyes.

Getting a beautiful wife is luck. You might be would get this luck, but might be not. This is why I suggest you to not expect to get beautiful wife and start build willingness to marry a woman who is not beautiful. If you expect to marry beautiful woman, but were failed, then you would be frustrated and then would never get married.

Indeed, probably you will get luck which you meet a beautiful woman who is willing to marry you. But bro, luck will come only if we are not obsessed with it.

:)
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Futuwwa
01-09-2016, 12:35 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Brother, pretty girls also want "at least" Average-looking man. I never seen a pretty wife with an ugly or "Below-average" husband. Obviously there are some exceptions, but they are NOT the usual scene.
And my personality is Not charismatic, not even near to it. I have an "Average" personality at best...
Then you need to be one of those exceptions, not one on the usual scene. Most of those below-average men don't even try, much because they think like you do. Their insecurities dampen their confidence, making them fail. As does yours, you speak of your personality as if it were fixed and something that can't be helped. That attitude is a fundamental problem that won't be fixed or overcome by resculpting your nose, or any amount of plastic surgery.

Work on obtaining and developing those things I mentioned. Nose job or not, you'll need them anyway to make a beautiful woman swoon for you. Also, never ever think that you need to prove yourself, qualify yourself for women, by living up to their expectations. If a woman senses that you are trying to do that, she might instinctively perceive you as being below her. Instead, assume the attitude that they have to qualify for you, that you're looking for a woman who lives up to your expectations. Overconfidence and a nafs-fueled inflated view of your own worth are hardly ever liabilities in this case.

Know the stereotype about the rude jock who gets lot of female attention, despite treating women like crap? Know such a case personally? Ever wonder how that can be? It's because he's assertive and arrogantly confident and doesn't submit to anyone's expectations, he doesn't even try to qualify. Granted, he seldom manages to form meaningful long-term relationships, but usually he doesn't want that in the first place. I'm not saying you should be like him. Just saying, that he manages to do what he does says something about what generates attraction.

Now, I'm not saying you should go for getting what you currently want in terms of a wife. There is wisdom in everyone else's recommendations here not to be overly concerned with beauty. I'm just advising you on what you need to do if you are dead-set on your current course.
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Ed123
01-09-2016, 02:37 PM
Originally Posted by Futuwwa
Their insecurities dampen their confidence, making them fail.
Insecurity means when the perception is Not true. So if a guy is really ugly, then how come that is an insecurity?
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sister herb
01-09-2016, 03:13 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Insecurity means when the perception is Not true. So if a guy is really ugly, then how come that is an insecurity?
Exactly. So IF a guy is very ugly... or if the idea of ugliness is only in the mind of the person, this is the matter what creates more insecurity.

Its very common, specially with young people to stare own picture from the mirror and believe that he/she is the ugliest person on the earth. At the same time there are millions of others doing same. Those others are these what you may label as beautiful or handsome. Actually, if they don´t trust to themselves, the way how they see themselves is always negative. It´s just same are people with kind of negative attitude good looking or bad looking as they always see them selves worthless.

Simply to say, at the first you have to learn to respect yourself. The self-suggestion plays an important role in how you see yourself and feel about yourself. Don´t make self-autosuggestion as your enemy, make it your friend.
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Futuwwa
01-09-2016, 08:11 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Insecurity means when the perception is Not true. So if a guy is really ugly, then how come that is an insecurity?
It's an insecurity to think that makes you inadequate and unable to succeed. This is a matter in which irrational, even egomaniacal overconfidence serves you better than rational defeatism.

But I'm not interested in getting into semantic arguments that are tangential at best. That you'd rather do that in order to get a pretext to dismiss everything I say, rather than consider it or even try to understand, is part of your problem. If your belief that you will fail keeps you from even trying properly, well, then you've set up a self-fulfilling prediction.
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Linkdeutscher
01-09-2016, 08:50 PM
Go to a scholar...
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Ed123
01-09-2016, 09:05 PM
Originally Posted by Linkdeutscher
Go to a scholar...
I got a fatwa which says -

If the nose is bigger than usual in such a manner that disfigures the structure, and if removing that defect does not have any side effects then performing cosmetic surgery is permissible. Allah knows best.

Another fatwa says-

if this abnormality (of the nose) is big and you are harmed by it, and it is possible to remove it without causing any other harm, then it is permissible to undergo a surgical operation for this effect.
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Linkdeutscher
01-09-2016, 09:11 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
I got a fatwa which says -

If the nose is bigger than usual in such a manner that disfigures the structure, and if removing that defect does not have any side effects then performing cosmetic surgery is permissible. Allah knows best.


Another fatwa says-

if this abnormality (of the nose) is big and you are harmed by it, and it is possible to remove it without causing any other harm, then it is permissible to undergo a surgical operation for this effect.
That's why I told you even on the other forum, go to a scholar who can SEE you.

Laymen who can't see you and know your situation, why are you asking them?

Go to a local scholar and talk to him.
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Ed123
01-09-2016, 09:13 PM
Originally Posted by Linkdeutscher
That's why I told you even on the other forum, go to a scholar who can SEE you.

Laymen who can't see you and know your situation, why are you asking them?

Go to a local scholar and talk to him.
Local scholar means local imam?
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Linkdeutscher
01-09-2016, 09:20 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Local scholar means local imam?
No not the man who leads prayer, though it's possible he may be a scholar too.

A mufti, a person who actually is qualified to give rulings.
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Ed123
01-09-2016, 09:39 PM
Originally Posted by Linkdeutscher
No not the man who leads prayer, though it's possible he may be a scholar too.

A mufti, a person who actually is qualified to give rulings.
what if two scholars say different things? What will I do then?
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sister herb
01-09-2016, 09:49 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
what if two scholars say different things? What will I do then?
Propably you will do like most of the people would: you follow that advice you like more.

It´s same here - people come here to ask advice but they are hoping to hear the advice on which they themselves like the most. They don´t listen if the advices are opposite than they hoped to get. We have adviced you to strengthen your self-confidence, not going to nose surgery. Do you like our advices? Do you think they are something you should listen? Do you think to follow our advices? Or are you disappointed if nobody here doest advice you to meet plastic surgeon?

Brother Linkdeutscher just gave you good advice - go to meet some scholar who can see you.
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ardianto
01-10-2016, 01:14 AM
When I was looking for a wife I didn't think I should get the woman who could make me fall in love. But I thought I should love the woman that I could get. And I prepared myself to be able to accept a woman although she was not really matched with my expectation.

It's because I have learned the biggest lesson in love and marriage. Getting a wife is different than buying t-shirt. If I want to but t-shirt, I could go to clothes store, choose the t-shirt that I like, buy it, then this t-shirt was belong to me. But if I want to get married?. I might be interested to a girl. But if this girl was not interested to marry me, then how?.

Brother Ed, have you ever tried to approach a girl and propose marriage?. I am sure you haven't. That's why you assume that is easy to get a girl who really matched with your expectation. If you have ever tried and felt the difficulty, then you would think like me and many other men, and start learn to accept someone, although she is not really matched with your expectation

In life we not always can get what we want. But if we can be grateful with what we can have, In Sha Allah, we will be happy.

Bro, the problem is not in your nose, but in your mindset.
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Ed123
01-10-2016, 01:30 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
When I was looking for a wife I didn't think I should get the woman who could make me fall in love. But I thought I should love the woman that I could get. And I prepared myself to be able to accept a woman although she was not really matched with my expectation.

It's because I have learned the biggest lesson in love and marriage. Getting a wife is different than buying t-shirt. If I want to but t-shirt, I could go to clothes store, choose the t-shirt that I like, buy it, then this t-shirt was belong to me. But if I want to get married?. I might be interested to a girl. But if this girl was not interested to marry me, then how?.

Brother Ed, have you ever tried to approach a girl and propose marriage?. I am sure you haven't. That's why you assume that is easy to get a girl who really matched with your expectation. If you have ever tried and felt the difficulty, then you would think like me and many other men, and start learn to accept someone, although she is not really matched with your expectation

In life we not always can get what we want. But if we can be grateful with what we can have, In Sha Allah, we will be happy.

Bro, the problem is not in your nose, but in your mindset.

My nose is very wide and bulbous in the middle and the tip is also bulbous. I wish I would have a normal nose like other people. Then I could at least consider myself Average looking, and also wouldn't have to worry like this about getting a pretty wife.
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Ed123
01-10-2016, 02:00 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Brother Ed, have you ever tried to approach a girl and propose marriage?.
I haven't tried. I didn't finish uni yet. And I don't do any job.
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crimsontide06
01-10-2016, 03:22 AM
I think it is best to leave your nose as it is(unless there was a medical reason). It is not wise to start messing with your natural look. It is what is on the inside that counts, not outside. I used to feel dislike for myself, "how I looked", then I grew up and realized that I should not care if someone likes or does not like how I look, naturally. This does not mean you don't care for yourself by exercising, showers, brushing teeth...etc.
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Linkdeutscher
01-10-2016, 12:56 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
what if two scholars say different things? What will I do then?
Why would you go to different scholars?
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Ed123
01-10-2016, 01:06 PM
Originally Posted by Linkdeutscher
Why would you go to different scholars?
If I go to one scholar, can he "surely" decide whether my nose has abnormality or deformity, and whether is it Halal (without a doubt) for me to do nose job in my case?
(On the judgement day, I do not want to be punished for my nose job, that's why I need 100% guarantee from the scholar that it will be Halal for me. )
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MuslimInshallah
01-10-2016, 02:12 PM
Assalaamu alaikum Ed,


Mmm... you want a 100% guarantee that you can argue in favour of a nose job before Allah...! (smile) But Allah looks inside YOUR heart. No matter what a true scholar says (if you can find one; I agree these are harder to find than hen's teeth in some places), if you have some doubts and misgivings in your heart about the halalness of your trip to the surgeon... well, I'd suggest listening to your heart.

(gently) It seems to me that you fear rejection. And that you have placed all your fears onto your nose, so to speak. (mildly) But cutting your nose will not really cut your fears away, you know.

(mildly) Surgery is also not without it's dangers. (sigh) So many people think: Oh! I'll just have a quick trip to the doctor's, and everything will be miraculously as I dreamed... But it is not like this. Furthermore, every time you go under the knife, there could be complications. Even disfiguring or (very rarely) mortal ones. (mildly) Granted, the majority of cases go ok. But there are no guarantees that you will be in the majority. This is why when you go for any medical intervention, you must consider not only the benefits you want, but also the possible costs.

What are the possible costs? Well, I got this from the Mayo Clinic website (this is a reliable source of information for the general public):

Risks

By Mayo Clinic Staff

As with any major surgery, rhinoplasty carries risks such as bleeding, infection and an adverse reaction to the anesthesia. Other possible risks specific to rhinoplasty include:

  • Recurring nosebleeds
  • Difficulty breathing through your nose
  • Permanent numbness in and around your nose
  • Possibility of an uneven-looking nose
  • Pain, discoloration or swelling that may persist
  • Scarring
  • Hole in the septum (septal perforation)


http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-proc...s/prc-20014336

There are also likely to be financial costs. (mildly) Money that could perhaps be used more fruitfully. To pay for studies, debts, for a car, a house... (twinkle) for a nice gift for your future intended. (smile) Or to give as a sadaqa.

(smile) I do understand that it is hard to know how to approach a member of the opposite sex for marriage purposes. Especially when you feel you're not good enough. But the other members on this Forum have given you some valuable insights, you know. Women are not nearly as interested in looks as men are. A man's steadiness and ability to support his future children are much more attractive, you know.

(pensively) I wonder if you feel that having a particularly beautiful wife can counterbalance your own feelings of unattractiveness. (sigh) But this won't work, either, you know. A good wife will bear you children. She will age. She will work hard to raise your and her children and to support you when you need help. And, inevitably, her looks will fade... so will you then need to get yourself a new attractive woman to make you feel good about yourself? And is this fair to your caring wife and children?

(smile) And, you know, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. (gently) Ardianto's wife was very ill before she died. Do you think that, on the surface, she was gorgeously beautiful to the end? But did it matter? Did Ardianto not find her beautiful anyway? (softly) Why do you think that was?

(gently) Right now, I would not recommend a woman to marry you. Not because of your looks. But because you need to learn to love yourself more. And because you judge others too much by their looks (and these two points are related, it seems to me). (smile) I suspect that if you work on building a healthy love of your beautiful self (and I'm sure you have some beauty in you), that God made, that you would find it easier to approach a woman for marriage, and that you would be a much better husband and father.

(smile) And you know what? If a woman is foolish enough to reject a good man purely on his looks (and there are a few like this, to be sure, just not as many as you might think)... then you are far better off without her as your wife...

(smile) You are loveable, Ed. Truly. Now you just need to look at how you can become an even better and more beautiful person. (smile) And then you will be even more loveable. (softly) And then, perhaps, you will be able to see the true beauty in others... no matter what their surface appearance. (smile) And you will be able to have a good marriage where both spouses nourish each other, and their children, to grow and flourish.

(smile) Welcome to this Forum, Ed. I hope you may continue to grace us with your thoughts.


May Allah, the Designer, the Fashioner of Forms, Help us to see.
Reply

ardianto
01-10-2016, 04:47 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
My nose is very wide and bulbous in the middle and the tip is also bulbous. I wish I would have a normal nose like other people. Then I could at least consider myself Average looking, and also wouldn't have to worry like this about getting a pretty wife.
There is an 'easy' way to get beautiful woman. Be a rich man. But bro, I really do not suggest you to get a woman through your wealth because it would make you get wrong woman, a woman who physically beautiful, but with behavior that would make you suffer.

Since I was young I have noticed the women around me and I found few women like I describe above. This is what then make me always see a woman on her heart, not on her beauty. Yeah, if I must choose between a woman who is beautiful but has bad character, or a woman who is not beautiful but has good character, without hesitate I would choose the second.

Of course, not every beautiful woman has bad character. There are many beautiful women who have good character and personality.

So, can you expect to get beautiful wife?. It's okay, bro, it's okay. This expectation is normal. However, I suggest you to not think "I should get beautiful wife". But you must think "I should get a wife. If she is beautiful, Alhamdulillah. If she is not beautiful, still Alhamdulillah because I have a wife".

We don't know what will happen in the future. Probably Allah will give you a beautiful wife. But if you can think like I teach above, then no matter your wife in the future is beautiful or not beautiful, In Sha Allah you will be happy with her.

:)
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Ed123
01-10-2016, 05:25 PM
Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah
(pensively) I wonder if you feel that having a particularly beautiful wife can counterbalance your own feelings of unattractiveness. (sigh) But this won't work, either, you know.
Walaikumas Salam sister.

I will be honest with you......

Actually the main reason for longing a "pretty" wife is to fulfill my sexual desires (I am telling the truth). If I don't feel physical attraction towards the girl, then I don't want to marry her. Even if I marry her I will NOT have physical attraction towards her, so sexual satisfaction won't come. That's why I want to marry a girl whom I find attractive, and I can fulfill my desires with her. (Sexual desires are the most strongest desires in humankind.)
(I am NOT saying that I will get married ONLY for sexual matter, but this is the main issue for me)

Will a "pretty" girl marry an a boy whom she does NOT find attractive (i.e. the guy is physically repulsive to her)??? Pretty girls think about sexual satisfaction before marrying a boy, right?
Reply

M.I.A.
01-10-2016, 07:12 PM
Really? Because she probably won't sleep with you if she is upset.

...and maybe you wouldn't sleep with her either.
Reply

sister herb
01-10-2016, 07:24 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Will a "pretty" girl marry an a boy whom she does NOT find attractive (i.e. the guy is physically repulsive to her)??? Pretty girls think about sexual satisfaction before marrying a boy, right?
But brother, you can´t know how some pretty girl is thinking about you - like if she finds you attractive or not. All this is just only an idea in your own mind. It´s possible that some girl doesn´t even think about your nose (like you afraid).

I repeat: this matter is in your mind, not others.

We can clearly see how you have now decided that you are not attractive but terrible, horrible ugly - propably the ugliest man in this planet. This is your the biggest problem - not your nose.
Reply

najimuddin
01-10-2016, 08:07 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Will a "pretty" girl marry an a boy whom she does NOT find attractive (i.e. the guy is physically repulsive to her)??? Pretty girls think about sexual satisfaction before marrying a boy, right?
:sl:

Brother, you’ve been getting some good advice. I would recommend reflecting on it and focusing on Allah :swt1: for a solution that is beneficial for you.

I’m not made of stone and fully understand where you’re coming from. In my opinion, for what it’s worth, Allah :swt1: made your nose that way so this “insurmountable problem” could pop up.

When you have a problem and can’t find a way out realize that Allah :swt1: made it that way so you can turn exclusively and sincerely to Him – with your heart, mind, and soul.

Allah :swt1: made the fire cool for Ibrahim :as: , restored Ayyub’s :as: health and prosperity, and got Yunus :as: out of the belly of the whale – among many other things. Compare your situation to what I just mentioned.

And yes, a pretty girl will marry a guy with some form of supposed imperfection. It all depends on the person (girl). Not every pretty girl is going to like you. As a matter of fact, there are pretty girls that may not want to marry you even if you were “attractive”.

With that said, there are pretty girls that may find your nose attractive for whatever reason – or not care at all. I’ve seen many pretty girls with guys that some may consider “not attractive”. Hence the sayings, “What is she doing with him? and “How did he get her?” and “What does she see in him?”.

Please note that these guys aren’t rich and famous. They’re regular everyday guys.

So your problem isn’t as big as you think. Please reflect on all the helpful advice you’ve receive in this thread.
Reply

ardianto
01-11-2016, 12:41 AM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Actually the main reason for longing a "pretty" wife is to fulfill my sexual desires (I am telling the truth). If I don't feel physical attraction towards the girl, then I don't want to marry her. Even if I marry her I will NOT have physical attraction towards her, so sexual satisfaction won't come. That's why I want to marry a girl whom I find attractive, and I can fulfill my desires with her. (Sexual desires are the most strongest desires in humankind.)
(I am NOT saying that I will get married ONLY for sexual matter, but this is the main issue for me)
If a man feel comfortable with his partner, then he will always want together with her, and will always have sexual desire on her although his partner is not beautiful. But if a man feel uncomfortable with his partner attitude on him, then naturally he will make a distance with her and will not feel sexual desire on her although she is beautiful. This is why there are men who have beautiful wives but make affair with other women who are not beautiful.

You will know it after you start looking for a wife. You might meet pretty woman, but if her attitude toward you make you feel uncomfortable, I am not sure if you will like her. You might also meet a woman who is not beautiful. But if her attitude on you make you feel comfortable and feel appreciated, I guess, you will start have a feeling which you want to be together with her.

Will a "pretty" girl marry an a boy whom she does NOT find attractive (i.e. the guy is physically repulsive to her)??? Pretty girls think about sexual satisfaction before marrying a boy, right?
A woman will choose a man that she feel is attractive. However, attractive in this matter usually does not refer to handsomeness, but refer to character, attitude, and behavior. A woman indeed, think about sexual satisfaction before marrying a man, but she will not choose a handsome man if this man has attitude that make her feel uncomfortable.

-------

Young bro, there are many things about life and people that you haven't know. And you cannot learn it from wrong sources like movies or pop medias.
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 06:06 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
A woman will choose a man that she feel is attractive. However, attractive in this matter usually does not refer to handsomeness, but refer to character, attitude, and behavior. A woman indeed, think about sexual satisfaction before marrying a man, but she will not choose a handsome man if this man has attitude that make her feel uncomfortable.
So you are saying a "pretty" woman will find a man "attractive" even if that man is UGLY ?! How can is this possible??
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 07:05 AM
Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah
No matter what a true scholar says (if you can find one; I agree these are harder to find than hen's teeth in some places),
You mean most of the scholars are NOT TRUE? I did NOT get it...
Reply

sister herb
01-11-2016, 08:03 AM
Originally Posted by Ed123
So you are saying a "pretty" woman will find a man "attractive" even if that man is UGLY ?! How can is this possible??
Women don´t think only what you look like (like men too - I think). It depends a lot if your behaving and your character attract them. Also, when it´s matter of marriage, every woman also thinks are you trusty partner as well how much you trust to yourself and how you see yourself, not only how you see other people. it would be better to stop thinking such superficial matters like what people are looking like. Remember this when you are looking for life partner, not a beauty queen. You need to think do you really want to spend all your life with that person - so you need to look more about hers personality than hers beauty. And same goes also when woman is looking for a life partner.

And again; you can´t know how others see you. I have a relative, a young man. Of my mind he isn´t very good looking but some other women have told that of their mind he is very attractive. How this is possible? It´s because all people haven´t similar taste but they like different things and see people by different ways.
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 09:04 AM
Originally Posted by sister herb
Women don´t think only what you look like (like men too - I think)
you mean man also don't look for beauty alone?
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 09:10 AM
Originally Posted by sister herb
Women don´t think only what you look like (like men too - I think). It depends a lot if your behaving and your character attract them. Also, when it´s matter of marriage, every woman also thinks are you trusty partner as well how much you trust to yourself and how you see yourself, not only how you see other people. it would be better to stop thinking such superficial matters like what people are looking like. Remember this we tou looking for life partner, not a beauty queen. You need to think do you really want to spend all your life with that person - so you need to look more about hers personality than hers beauty. And same goes also when woman is looking for a life partner.

And again; you can´t know how others see you. I have a relative, a young man. Of my mind he isn´t very good looking but some other women have told that of their mind he is very attractive. How this is possible? It´s because all people haven´t similar taste but they like different things and see people by different ways.
To be more specific, my nose is Wide, miscontoured and highly undefined at the tip. It is also oval/bulbous and lacking sufficient definition.
Reply

suheylah
01-11-2016, 09:18 AM
Assalamu Alaikum bro,
It is ok to feel insecure sometimes, it is natural, but every time I do I remember what Allah tells me.
"He has created the heavens and the earth in just proportions, and has given you shape and made your shapes beautiful: and to Him is the final Goal." (64, 3)
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 09:31 AM
Originally Posted by suheylah
Assalamu Alaikum bro,
It is ok to feel insecure sometimes, it is natural, but every time I do I remember what Allah tells me.
"He has created the heavens and the earth in just proportions, and has given you shape and made your shapes beautiful: and to Him is the final Goal." (64, 3)
Whenever I feel good looking boys and girls, my confidence and worth get smashed by their good looks. The reality is people treat "good looking people" the best. Ugly people are treated just for the sake of humanity...
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 09:32 AM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Whenever I feel good looking boys and girls, my confidence and worth get smashed by their good looks. The reality is people treat "good looking people" the best. Ugly people are treated just for the sake of humanity...
*Whenever I see good looking..... (sorry for typo)
Reply

suheylah
01-11-2016, 09:41 AM
My piece of advise is don't let society tell you what is beautiful and what is not when in fact Allah clearly tells you he made your figure/ shape beautiful. So, you going to listen to God, or the TV. Be confident and realize everyone looks different and we are all beautiful in our God given unique way.
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 10:41 AM
Originally Posted by suheylah
My piece of advise is don't let society tell you what is beautiful and what is not when in fact Allah clearly tells you he made your figure/ shape beautiful. So, you going to listen to God, or the TV. Be confident and realize everyone looks different and we are all beautiful in our God given unique way.
Society gives the vibe that "if you are ugly looking, you are going to suffer much more than others"...
Reply

sister herb
01-11-2016, 10:42 AM
Have you ever talked with some specialist about your nose problem? Meeting a doctor or therapist might help you to see if you have need for surgery or if the therapy might help you to see your real problems. We here can´t do much - only give our advices. You then listen them or not. But anyways, repeating how ugly your nose is or how ugly you think it is, doesn´t take the matter forward. Go to seek help to yourself.
Reply

Ed123
01-11-2016, 08:29 PM
Originally Posted by sister herb
Have you ever talked with some specialist about your nose problem? Meeting a doctor or therapist might help you to see if you have need for surgery or if the therapy might help you to see your real problems. We here can´t do much - only give our advices. You then listen them or not. But anyways, repeating how ugly your nose is or how ugly you think it is, doesn´t take the matter forward. Go to seek help to yourself.
Sister, I heard scholars saying that Allah made all the creations "beautiful" and "perfect". If this is the case, then why some people are born with physical deformities and somtimes without certain body parts?
Reply

sister herb
01-11-2016, 08:55 PM
Why Allah made some people poor for their lifetime and some so rich they have more money they could ever spend? Why some are sick and some live all their life in good health? Why some are blind or deaf? Why some people are sad and depressed while others are happy?

I am not a scholar but I have read that Allah will test all of us.

Maybe your nose is your test. If it´s true, you should thank Allah and stop worry about it.


And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.
(2:155)

Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such (trial) has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until (even their) messenger and those who believed with him said, "When is the help of Allah?" Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near.
(2:214)

You will surely be tested in your possessions and in yourselves. And you will surely hear from those who were given the Scripture before you and from those who associate others with Allah much abuse. But if you are patient and fear Allah - indeed, that is of the matters (worthy) of determination.
(3:186)

Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward.
(64:15)
Reply

MuslimInshallah
01-11-2016, 09:41 PM
Originally Posted by Ed123

Will a "pretty" girl marry an a boy whom she does NOT find attractive (i.e. the guy is physically repulsive to her)??? Pretty girls think about sexual satisfaction before marrying a boy, right?

Assalaamu alaikum Ed,


(smile) Mmm... it depends on the woman in question. (smile) We are not all mindless clones, you know.

But it may surprise you that sexual satisfaction comes lower on the list of reasons a woman might marry you than you might think. Indeed, it may not even be on the list at all. Women may seek marriage to be loved and cared for. Or because they want a baby. Or because they want financial security. Or because they want a respectable and secure position in society. (smile) And there are also women who might marry you because they want to rescue you. Or because they want to find some self-worth. Or they want to look after you. Or because they admire some skill or talent you have, and want to be a part of that. Or because they feel they need to marry to fulfil their deen. Or...

(smile) And of course, they likely want to have someone to express their love to. Someone to share with. Someone to build something with... (smile) And yes, someone to play with (though women tend to think more about this after marriage).

(smile) Each woman has her own reasons for marriage. And she may well have various different reasons mixed together. (amused) But sexual satisfaction as a primary goal, in and of itself? Mmm... this is much less likely to be important for a woman.

(smile) And you know, when you start to care about someone... it doesn't really matter what they look like. Those imperfections (that we all have) often are the things that mark us as unique to our loved ones, and that end up holding special meaning for them. A woman who loves you would love your nose, precisely because it was so... you.

And finally... (twinkle) having a pretty nose says nothing about a man's potential to sexually satisfy his wife.


May Allah, the Unique, Help us to make pairs that help us to get closer to Him.
Reply

Ed123
01-12-2016, 03:40 AM
Originally Posted by sister herb
Why Allah made some people poor for their lifetime and some so rich they have more money they could ever spend? Why some are sick and some live all their life in good health? Why some are blind or deaf? Why some people are sad and depressed while others are happy?

I am not a scholar but I have read that Allah will test all of us.
Sister, I know Allah will test us. I also heard from some scholars that Allah made all the creation beautiful. Then why some people are found with serious deformities in the face (if you google you can see some people with very serious facial deformities, these people are considered "ugly") ? Does this mean - "Allah has Not made everyone beautiful ?"
Reply

sister herb
01-12-2016, 09:30 AM
Originally Posted by Ed123
Sister, I know Allah will test us. I also heard from some scholars that Allah made all the creation beautiful. Then why some people are found with serious deformities in the face (if you google you can see some people with very serious facial deformities, these people are considered "ugly") ? Does this mean - "Allah has Not made everyone beautiful ?"
Now you have to remember two things: what means to be beautiful to one doesn´t mean it to all others. You can compare it also to different times of the history. Still about 100 years ago many people were thinking that a pretty woman is fat and pale (At that time it meant she is enough rich and welfare to have plenty of food and no need to work outside). Now many are thinking that pretty woman is slim and tanned. Also, what kind of person is pretty/beautiful/handsome depends a lot of the basic cultures.

Also think about this: should we all be identical and look just same like others? Then nobody couldn´t feel that he/she isn´t as beautiful like those other people. Would that be better?

And the second: remember that Allah test us all - with different ways. It seems that to you the test is the idea that your nose isn´t beautiful, not your nose itself.

You have two choice with your nose: go to meet a doctor or therapist who can see do you need medical or therapy help for your problems (what ever they are) or accept it and thank Allah that he loves you so much to give you kind of nose. Also you can ask scholar about this matter and if you are unsure what if two scholars give you different answers - ask it only from one. If you learn to like it more, you surely will stop thinking about it too much and will understand that it might not means a lot to others. Also you can realise that your problem isn´t your nose but your self-confidence about how you look and how others look comparing yourself.

Sorry to say, but repeating how ugly your nose is, doesn´t help you at all. It only makes you feel more and more miserable.
Reply

sister herb
01-12-2016, 12:21 PM
Also, note this earlier discussion:

http://www.islamicboard.com/aqeedah/...y-looking.html
Reply

ardianto
01-12-2016, 03:54 PM
When I was young I've ever heard that everyone has his own luck that different than the others. Later I know, it's true.

Yes, there are people who are lucky because they are beautiful, there are people who are not so lucky because they are not beautiful. But it doesn't mean people who are not beautiful have no luck.

I knew a good looking couple that always got financial problem. The husband even has died now due to illness. And I also know people who are far from beautiful but they are rich.

Brother Ed, you are not lucky in beauty matter. But it's doesn't mean you have no luck in other matters. Probably in the future you will get easiness in career and get success more than many other people. Then you feel luckier than men who are handsome but not success like you. So my advice for you is change your dream from having beautiful wife into having good career.

Okay, this is my last post in this thread because nothing I can say anymore. I am really sorry if there are the things in my posts that offend you.

Wassalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. :)
Reply

Ed123
01-14-2016, 06:53 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Probably in the future you will get easiness in career and get success more than many other people.
I am almost sure that I will be rejected in the Job Interviews for my ugly-looking face...
Reply

sister herb
01-14-2016, 10:06 AM
Originally Posted by Ed123
I am almost sure that I will be rejected in the Job Interviews for my ugly-looking face...
This is just the reason why you should meet some doc or therapist - your problem is not your nose but your self-confidence. If you are now thinking in your own how everybody will reject you because of your nose, then the longer you think about it, that stronger you believe that your image is true. But remember - this is only your own idea - not the reality. It´s how the negative self-suggestion works - it makes you by yourself to work against yourself. You can ruin your whole life if you start to believe that all your disappointments and failures are only because of your nose.

Stop wasting your time as thinking what you are looking, study well and prepare yourself well before you go to job interview. If you don´t get a job, don´t again start to blame your nose but study more and try again.
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