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anonymous
02-10-2016, 09:53 AM
Is it mandatory for the husband to have sex with his wife?

The wife is ready and willing but it is the husband who has emotionally distanced himself from her to the extent that he is not ready to resume actual physical relations with the wife. The emotional distance is the result of the wife not keeping to time commitments in the beginning of the marriage - promising to do something at a certain time, and then not keeping to it. Or doing something contrary to originally indicated.

He continues to take care of her in other ways. They live together. He provides for her. He says that he loves her. And they both consider each other good human beings. But the sexual frustration gets to the wife every now and then and they have a fight about it. She resorts to illicit material to get off and ends up feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it. And this has been happening for a few years now. For how long is this okay? 1 year, 2 years, 3 years? Is not mercy and compassion an important component of marriage? The wife thinks the husband's action or reaction is extreme.

The husband is a religious man. He believes the Quran and the Sunnah to be his guide. But he asserts that it is NOT COMPULSORY as per the Quran for him to have intercourse with his wife if he has emotional issues. But he is open to changing his mind and consequently his behaviour towards his wife if someone can point out such verses in the Quran.

Can someone learned kindly point out things in the Quran and the Sunnah which lays down sexual conduct between husband and wife? Also, what is the wife's recourse in such a situation?

Jazakallahu khairan katheeran
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ardianto
02-10-2016, 02:08 PM
Assalamualaikum.

I have ever created a thread "Where is the evidence" to reveal the habit of some Muslims which they challenge other Muslims to show evidence from Qur'an or hadith that can break their argument although they know this evidence does not exist. This is what the husband in this case do. He challenge his wife to show verse in Qur'an which mention that have sex with wife is compulsory because he knows there is no verse like this.

So the wife doesn't need to be bother to seek a verse like this. What she must do is bring this case into the proper field, psychology, because the cause of this problem is psychological condition of the husband that make him doesn't want to do intimacy with his wife.

Currently I cannot definite what make the husband has no desire to his wife. Probably it's because he was taught since he was kid that sex is taboo, probably he feel uncomfortable with his wife or with the marriage itself, probably because other factor. But the most important is how to make him has desire to do intimacy with his wife.

One thing about man that the wife must know, a man can force a woman to have sex with him, but cannot be forced to have sex with a woman. So instead of force the husband to do intimacy through showing 'evidence', the wife should try to raise the desire of her husband on her.

My advice is build atmosphere that can raise this desire. Make the husband feel comfortable, create romantic atmosphere through go holiday to romantic place, romantic dinner, behave romantically toward the husband, etc.

This is the advice that I can give. Hopefully it's useful. :)
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Kiro
02-10-2016, 02:49 PM
Try subtlety slowing building the sexual atmosphere, it will take time though.
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Kiro
02-10-2016, 03:09 PM
Back to the thread, I remember a hadith about where a man did not sexually please his wife and the Arabic saying use too 'you have become like my mother', out of this, was an ayah revealed. So, the man must satisfy his wife.
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Muhaba
02-10-2016, 03:11 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Is it mandatory for the husband to have sex with his wife?

The wife is ready and willing but it is the husband who has emotionally distanced himself from her to the extent that he is not ready to resume actual physical relations with the wife. The emotional distance is the result of the wife not keeping to time commitments in the beginning of the marriage - promising to do something at a certain time, and then not keeping to it. Or doing something contrary to originally indicated.

He continues to take care of her in other ways. They live together. He provides for her. He says that he loves her. And they both consider each other good human beings. But the sexual frustration gets to the wife every now and then and they have a fight about it. She resorts to illicit material to get off and ends up feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it. And this has been happening for a few years now. For how long is this okay? 1 year, 2 years, 3 years? Is not mercy and compassion an important component of marriage? The wife thinks the husband's action or reaction is extreme.

The husband is a religious man. He believes the Quran and the Sunnah to be his guide. But he asserts that it is NOT COMPULSORY as per the Quran for him to have intercourse with his wife if he has emotional issues. But he is open to changing his mind and consequently his behaviour towards his wife if someone can point out such verses in the Quran.

Can someone learned kindly point out things in the Quran and the Sunnah which lays down sexual conduct between husband and wife? Also, what is the wife's recourse in such a situation?

Jazakallahu khairan katheeran
Yes it is compulsory and this can be grounds for divorce because sexual relations are the implied reason for marriage. In fiqh law also this is the accepted position. People don't get married just to live as friends or to be taken care of. Otherwise people can remain unmarried and live with their family. So yeah he has to but if he's suffering from emotional problems then he should get psychological help or else divorce the woman. Allah says in the Quran that men should not leave women hanging in between. Meaning that either live with them in the right manner or divorce.
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Futuwwa
02-10-2016, 05:35 PM
The wife has a need that can only be fulfilled in a halal way by the husband. That, by itself, makes it abusive and neglectful for the husband not to fulfil this need.
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anonymous
02-10-2016, 07:56 PM
I'm ignoring comments regarding forced sex and rape as it is not in issue presently.

And neither are the couple looking to divorce. At least not yet.

They are looking for an amicable resolution. The couple like each other. They actually sit together and laugh about other things. They even find humour in the sorry state of affairs of their relationship. They are good people. They are emotionally mismatched but still deserve a chance to rebuild the relationship and what they, imho, need is informed guidance.


Originally Posted by Futuwwa
The wife has a need that can only be fulfilled in a halal way by the husband. That, by itself, makes it abusive and neglectful for the husband not to fulfil this need.
Agreed. But what if there are emotional compunctions which make it difficult for him to take the relationship to the desired level? Also since the religion in the form of Quran acts as a binding force - then the husband is willing to try harder to get a hold of his emotions.

So can someone please point out things in the Quran and the Sunnah which shows that it is obligatory on the husband to physically fulfil his wife?

Jazakallahu khairan katheeran
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anonymous
02-10-2016, 08:13 PM
Originally Posted by Muhaba
Allah says in the Quran that men should not leave women hanging in between. Meaning that either live with them in the right manner or divorce.
I agree with what you say. The wife is aware that she has the right to walk out of the relationship. But she doesn't want to. The husband acknowledges the wife's right to divorce but asks her to have patience. He understands how the wife feels and how frustrating it gets for her.

They have sought help in the past but it didn't help resolve their issues. They have renewed efforts to seek help. What they need more than anything right now is religious and spiritual guidance.

Can you please point out the relevant verses in the Quran?

Jazakallahu Khairan.
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BeTheChange
02-10-2016, 09:53 PM
Asalamualykum,

I have found relevant hadiths concerning women who don't fulfil this right but not vice vrsa.

Maybe you can ask a learned sheikh on this forum https://islamqa.info/en/?

Also ensure the site follows your school of thought.

Jazahka Allah.
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emem
02-10-2016, 11:46 PM
I'm not sure about what to say because I have finished the Holy Quran and have not read anything about sex there, sorry. But as far as I know, sex is a healthy activity but if she is truly emotionally unready then I just hope they talk about it seriously. They still need to have sex from time to time. My teacher said as I can remember in Health class that it should be done atlast 3 times a week. There.
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GINGERBEARDMAN
02-11-2016, 09:34 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Is it mandatory for the husband to have sex with his wife?

The wife is ready and willing but it is the husband who has emotionally distanced himself from her to the extent that he is not ready to resume actual physical relations with the wife. The emotional distance is the result of the wife not keeping to time commitments in the beginning of the marriage - promising to do something at a certain time, and then not keeping to it. Or doing something contrary to originally indicated.

He continues to take care of her in other ways. They live together. He provides for her. He says that he loves her. And they both consider each other good human beings. But the sexual frustration gets to the wife every now and then and they have a fight about it. She resorts to illicit material to get off and ends up feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it. And this has been happening for a few years now. For how long is this okay? 1 year, 2 years, 3 years? Is not mercy and compassion an important component of marriage? The wife thinks the husband's action or reaction is extreme.

The husband is a religious man. He believes the Quran and the Sunnah to be his guide. But he asserts that it is NOT COMPULSORY as per the Quran for him to have intercourse with his wife if he has emotional issues. But he is open to changing his mind and consequently his behaviour towards his wife if someone can point out such verses in the Quran.

Can someone learned kindly point out things in the Quran and the Sunnah which lays down sexual conduct between husband and wife? Also, what is the wife's recourse in such a situation?

Jazakallahu khairan katheeran
sounds like pretty weak excuses and he has other problems, perhaps a weak desire or medical issues and he is instead of dealing with them, he is blaming his wife over what are relatively minor issues.

He needs to deal with issues and stop oppressing his wife,

a woman has rights, yes a right to sexual fulfillment is one of the rights of a woman in a islamic marriage and he should either deal with is issues or else release her so she no longer needs to sin.

As for the wife's recourse, she can take it to local people of knowledge, who can try to convince him he needs to do the right thing here, or else she can ask for a divorce, or she can live with the situation as best she can.
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anonymous
02-12-2016, 10:22 AM
Originally Posted by BeTheChange
I have found relevant hadiths concerning women who don't fulfil this right but not vice vrsa. Maybe you can ask a learned sheikh on this forum https://islamqa.info/en/?
I too have come across hadiths which condemn women who don't fulfil this right. I wish they'd speak as freely about womens' right to sex as well. Thank you. I shall see if they can help with this.


Originally Posted by GINGERBEARDMAN
sounds like pretty weak excuses and he has other problems, perhaps a weak desire or medical issues and he is instead of dealing with them, he is blaming his wife over what are relatively minor issues.

He needs to deal with issues and stop oppressing his wife,
Immense self-control. And not a rabbit-like desire for sex. He does not want to oppress his wife. He realizes that it is a huge missing factor in their relationship. Trying to turn to the scriptures for help is actually a sign that he really wants to get past this emotional block that he has created in his mind.


Originally Posted by GINGERBEARDMAN
As for the wife's recourse, she can take it to local people of knowledge, who can try to convince him he needs to do the right thing here, or else she can ask for a divorce, or she can live with the situation as best she can.
For now, she is living with the situation. And both the husband and wife have gotten in touch with people of knowledge.

But I was genuinely hoping that this forum might throw up answers to the question put up - which unfortunately it hasn't. Nevermind.

Jazakallah Khairan.
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Alpha Dude
02-12-2016, 09:46 PM
Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. Surely, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.”


Source: Sahih Bukhari 6719, Sahih Muslim 1829
Per the above hadith, his wife falls under his responsibility and it is his duty to guide her toward good and protect her from evil. It is his responsibility to make sure she doesn't fall into sin. It's all well and good not sleeping with her as a punishment but when it drives her toward sin, he is not fulfilling his obligation of being a good shepherd of his family.
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Linkdeutscher
02-12-2016, 09:55 PM
Scholars derive rulings, not jahil laymen who read translations of the meaning of the Qur'an.
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Serinity
02-13-2016, 09:40 PM
Originally Posted by Linkdeutscher
Scholars derive rulings, not jahil laymen who read translations of the meaning of the Qur'an.
Many times, the message of an ayah, or meaning of an ayah is lost in its translation. So we don't get the fully correct message.
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azc
02-14-2016, 09:32 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Is it mandatory for the husband to have sex with his wife? The wife is ready and willing but it is the husband who has emotionally distanced himself from her to the extent that he is not ready to resume actual physical relations with the wife. The emotional distance is the result of the wife not keeping to time commitments in the beginning of the marriage - promising to do something at a certain time, and then not keeping to it. Or doing something contrary to originally indicated. He continues to take care of her in other ways. They live together. He provides for her. He says that he loves her. And they both consider each other good human beings. But the sexual frustration gets to the wife every now and then and they have a fight about it. She resorts to illicit material to get off and ends up feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it. And this has been happening for a few years now. For how long is this okay? 1 year, 2 years, 3 years? Is not mercy and compassion an important component of marriage? The wife thinks the husband's action or reaction is extreme.The husband is a religious man. He believes the Quran and the Sunnah to be his guide. But he asserts that it is NOT COMPULSORY as per the Quran for him to have intercourse with his wife if he has emotional issues. But he is open to changing his mind and consequently his behaviour towards his wife if someone can point out such verses in the Quran.Can someone learned kindly point out things in the Quran and the Sunnah which lays down sexual conduct between husband and wife? Also, what is the wife's recourse in such a situation?Jazakallahu khairan katheeran
is he a MAN?
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azc
02-14-2016, 09:46 AM
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it helps him to lower his gaze and protect his chastity. And whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a protection for him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/92; Muslim, 1400).(al-Tibb al-Nabawi, 251).the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “In the sexual intercourse of any one of you there is reward” (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife). They said, O Mesenger of Allaah, when any one of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for that? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you not see that if he were to do it in a haraam manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a halaal manner, he will be rewarded.” (Narrated by Muslim, 720)It is permissible for the husband to have intercourse with his wife in her vagina in whatever manner he wishes, from behind or from the front, on the condition that it is in her vagina, which is the place from which a child is born. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):“Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will” [al-Baqarah 2:223]
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~ Sabr ~
03-15-2016, 03:16 PM
Sounds like there is something sexually wrong with the husband, and he wants to hide it from his wife! Be a MAN - tell her!
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Serinity
03-15-2016, 04:44 PM
Try to seduce him subtly. When you get in bed etc. Try to build up an emotional atmosphere and then seduce him that way.

Hope it gets well soon. May Allah ease your situation. Ameen. :salam:
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