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hisnameiszzz
02-11-2016, 07:18 PM
At the ripe old age of 31, I think it's time I got married. Well I am not overly keen on getting married by my older brother and my Mother have been on my case for a while now. All my school friends are now married and have at least 3 kids each so I feel left out at times.

How do I find a wife? Am I supposed to go online and find someone? My Uncle sometimes comes over and tells me about girls who are available but they are in their 40's and / or divorced which does not really appeal to me. In Indian culture, when a son / daughter gets to the age of 20, the Dad goes out of his way to find suitable marriage partners for their children but my Dad was useless. He intended for us all to marry our first cousins back in India but it never happened because he died. Almost all my friends had arranged marriages where they were introduced to someone. Some were a bit wild and went clubbing regularly and found girls who became girlfriends who they then married.

I'm a really shy person as it is. I rarely talk to people I don't know and I always clam up. I am quite stressed at the moment (please don't make me tell you why, just look at the hundreds of threads I have made about it!) and I end up stuttering and stammering.

My Mother seems to think I can just miraculously go out, find a girl, bring her back and get married. I've tried telling her it's not the case but she just ends up moaning at me telling me I am stupid and useless. She asks why I can't find anyone at work and I have explained that almost all the women I work with are 55+ and either are married/divorced/have a partner.

Please help.
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ardianto
02-12-2016, 12:54 AM
Assalamualaikum

The problem for shy guy is not how to find a girl who is waiting for a husband, but how to tell this girl that he is interested to marry her. That's why the shy guy need a mediator that can arrange a meeting with a girl and also tell this girl that he is looking for wife. This mediator can be his relative or his friend.

However, the ethic of using mediator like this is he should not behave like in matrimonial site which he could urge the admin to find a girl like this like that. But he must behave like in arranged marriage which he let the mediator choose a girl, then he try to accept this girl.

Okay bro ZZZ, I know you are a shy guy. But don't be shy to tell your relatives or your friends that you expect to meet a girl and get married. In Shaa Allah they can help you as mediator. Few of my relatives and friends are shy guys, but now they already married with help of mediators.

:)
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keiv
02-12-2016, 03:52 AM
One piece of advice I can give you is to not compare yourself to other people. Also, If you want to get married, do it because you want to and not because of outside pressure (family/friends). When/if you ever decide you genuinely want to get married, finding a spouse will be much easier.
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BilalKid
02-12-2016, 10:01 AM
visit masjid :Mosque:
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GINGERBEARDMAN
02-12-2016, 10:12 AM
Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
At the ripe old age of 31, I think it's time I got married. Well I am not overly keen on getting married by my older brother and my Mother have been on my case for a while now. All my school friends are now married and have at least 3 kids each so I feel left out at times.

How do I find a wife? Am I supposed to go online and find someone? My Uncle sometimes comes over and tells me about girls who are available but they are in their 40's and / or divorced which does not really appeal to me. In Indian culture, when a son / daughter gets to the age of 20, the Dad goes out of his way to find suitable marriage partners for their children but my Dad was useless. He intended for us all to marry our first cousins back in India but it never happened because he died. Almost all my friends had arranged marriages where they were introduced to someone. Some were a bit wild and went clubbing regularly and found girls who became girlfriends who they then married.

I'm a really shy person as it is. I rarely talk to people I don't know and I always clam up. I am quite stressed at the moment (please don't make me tell you why, just look at the hundreds of threads I have made about it!) and I end up stuttering and stammering.

My Mother seems to think I can just miraculously go out, find a girl, bring her back and get married. I've tried telling her it's not the case but she just ends up moaning at me telling me I am stupid and useless. She asks why I can't find anyone at work and I have explained that almost all the women I work with are 55+ and either are married/divorced/have a partner.

Please help.
assalaamu alaykum,

Your problem is something many Muslims in the west face, especially reverts but others as well.

solution is actually quite simple. put the word out. ask around, let people know you are looking. Yes it's not easy and it's cringeworthy at time and don't want to come across as a way too thirsty person, but if you want something you need to work for it.

tie your camel and trust in Allaah.

So friends, family, the imam if the masjid is any good, you can widen out your contacts, attend other masaajid, get to know other brothers and over time potential contacts will come about and then a matter of finding out who you are happy with in terms of deen and character, plus whatever other traits are on your must have list.
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Kiro
02-12-2016, 12:17 PM
Hey and you're not old by the way. :hmm::Emoji20: lol

Well before I tell you, remember to keep things halal and do not talk to each other the phone and don't text each other.

Remember to make dua and do tahajud and make dua at Tahajud to find a prious wife. My friend once told me, Tahajud is haxx. Btw, I'll make dua for you you :)

Visit a masjid and ask the imam to help find someone suitable.


Remember, keep it halal and follow the sunnah of Nabi SAW
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hisnameiszzz
02-12-2016, 02:26 PM
Thank you all for your replies so far. I appreciate your kind words and your time.

Originally Posted by keiv
One piece of advice I can give you is to not compare yourself to other people. Also, If you want to get married, do it because you want to and not because of outside pressure (family/friends). When/if you ever decide you genuinely want to get married, finding a spouse will be much easier.
KIEV, my whole life has been compared to other people. Indian parents tend to be like that. Well mine are. I was always compared to friends who were outgoing, had better results at school and gained better jobs. Unfortunately, I have ended up comparing myself to others.

I'm generally compared to two of my best friends from the past. Both of whom ran off with girls for weeks on end. One was just a bad boy and did it regularly. One's Mother said she was getting him married to his first cousin, so he packed his bags and did a runner. I wonder what my parents would have said if I did that? Hmm indeed.

Originally Posted by BilalKid
visit masjid :Mosque:
BILALKID, I do already and thank you. Can I ask how this would help?

Originally Posted by GINGERBEARDMAN
solution is actually quite simple. put the word out. ask around, let people know you are looking. Yes it's not easy and it's cringeworthy at time and don't want to come across as a way too thirsty person, but if you want something you need to work for it.
GINGERBEARDMAN, why thanks for your kind words. That is one of my problems, I am a really shy person so I don't like talking to new people. I have always been like this. I know I am going to have to change my ways, but it's easier said that done. I wish my Dad was still and / or he made more of an effort with us when he was alive. He never seemed interested in us at all. It was always his sisters/nieces/nephews over us and my Mother. But hey, I need to let go of the past and move on with my life.

Originally Posted by Kiro
Hey and you're not old by the way. :hmm::Emoji20: lol

Well before I tell you, remember to keep things halal and do not talk to each other the phone and don't text each other.

Remember to make dua and do tahajud and make dua at Tahajud to find a prious wife. My friend once told me, Tahajud is haxx. Btw, I'll make dua for you you :)

Visit a masjid and ask the imam to help find someone suitable.


Remember, keep it halal and follow the sunnah of Nabi SAW
KIRO, aww thanks. I am an OAP in Indian culture. When a guy goes over 30, it's like danger zone. People start talking about you, is he not well, has he mental issues etc.

And thanks for making dua for me. Also make dua for my 2 brothers who are older than me who are also looking to get married.



I think I would make an OK husband. I am definitely not the handsomest man on the planet, but I don't think it's all about looks. I have good manners and etiquettes and I think this shows because I look after my Mother, and looked after my Dad too when he became ill and then died. I go to the Masjid regularly. I know I have had big issues with my faith as of late, but if it was not for the people who live next door, none of that would have happened.

There is a girl who I work with who I quite like, but she an athiest and has made it perfectly clear she would never convert for a man, and she would never stop eating pork and drinking alcohol, so I think that's a no no.


May I ask, are all of you guys and girls married? Would you care to share how you met your other half?
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Kiro
02-12-2016, 05:32 PM
I don't have a other half. I am the full half. Lol.

@hisnameiszzz
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ardianto
02-12-2016, 10:21 PM
When I was young my mother's friend ever asked my mother to match me with her daughter. However, I already had future wife in that time. But my sister got her husband through the same way. My mother met a guy, then she told his mother to match him with my sister.

The mothers in my society are active enough to find a husband for their daughter, or find a wife for their son. When they see a guy or a girl who look good in their eyes, they will ask this guy or girl mother to match him/her with their daughter/son and also urged their son/daughter to accept. This is why when my wife interested to marry me what she did was approaching my mother, and then my mother indeed urged me to marry her.

How about the mothers in your community, bro?.
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ardianto
02-13-2016, 12:36 AM
Originally Posted by BilalKid
visit masjid
Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
BILALKID, I do already and thank you. Can I ask how this would help?
Few brothers indeed got their wives through people who they know in masjid. But it doesn't mean if you want to find a wife you should go to masjid and tell the imam because masjid is not matrimonial bureau. What happened to those brothers was coincidentally. They knew close with some people in masjid, and in the same time those people had female relatives who were looking for husband.

Remember, this is coincidentally. Although you still have a chance to get a wife through this way, I do not suggest you to go to masjid with intention to find a wife because very possible you will be disappointed.
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Abz2000
02-13-2016, 02:53 AM
Many parents do inform their imam that they're looking for a suitable spuse for their son/daughter with the trust that the imam is likely to know pious matches. I have noticed that in the west, many masajid offer community programs and counselling, the imam of east london mosque would often in his khutbahs mention some of the important issues he'd regularly come across during problem resolution between husbands, wives, and sometimes husband's mothers and wives with the husband being present.
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hisnameiszzz
02-13-2016, 07:36 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
How about the mothers in your community, bro?.
My Mother is disabled and housebound so she wouldn't be able to do this. I'm not sure someone else's Mother would want to get involved but I will bear that in mind.
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ardianto
02-14-2016, 03:46 PM
Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
My Mother is disabled and housebound so she wouldn't be able to do this. I'm not sure someone else's Mother would want to get involved but I will bear that in mind.
I am sorry to hear about your mother. But actually I was not talking about your mother, but about the girls mothers. In my place, the girl's mother may 'invite' a guy to propose marriage to her daughter. The mothers in your community maybe different. But I still suggest you to don't be shy to tell your relatives and friends that you want to find a wife.

My late wife actually was not my first future wife. There was another girl before who is my friend's cousin, and my meeting with her happened because my friend knew that me and his cousin were looking for spouse. Indeed, later that girl decided to not marry me due to my mother attitude that did not approve her and even urged me to marry another girl who then became my wife. But at least it show that friend or relative can connect you with a girl who is looking for a husband. Do you know bro?, few of my friends even married their fiend's sister or their sister's friend.
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hisnameiszzz
02-21-2016, 09:26 PM
I will have to do what you have suggested Ardianto.

One of my friends is getting married. His Dad did a lot of searching for him and has found someone who he is now engaged to. I wish my Dad was like that instead of doing nothing. :embarrass
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ardianto
02-22-2016, 12:29 AM
Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
I will have to do what you have suggested Ardianto.

One of my friends is getting married. His Dad did a lot of searching for him and has found someone who he is now engaged to. I wish my Dad was like that instead of doing nothing. :embarrass
In my place the mothers stand behind their sons. They often busy in searching a wife for their sons. But the fathers do nothing for their sons because they stand behind their daughters. They can be a big barrier for the guys because they are very protective toward their daughters and never hesitate to interrogate the guys who interested to their daughters. That's why one popular advice for the guys in my place is "How to grab the girl father's heart". There are many funny stories from the guys in their attempt to approach the girl's father.

;)
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Paprika
02-23-2016, 05:28 AM
nice life you are living single and all, why set fire to it??? mummyji doesn't even know that same daughter in-law might even kick her out of the house, you never know, best to be prepared for the worst:hiding:

that being said, since you family is desperately in the mood for drama, may Allah Swt give you a nice haari poiri, with some fear of Allah, none of those drama ones who'll tell you be nice....I'm a girl after giving you a royal kick up the behind:giggling:
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