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Rapunzel
02-21-2016, 10:01 PM
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم،
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته،

Dear brothers and sisters,

I would like to ask you for advice about this problem I've been struggling with for a very long time now.

When I was younger I went through a lot. I'm not going into all the details about that right now, but it got to a point where I really got depressed. Eventhough it was very rough, a lot of good things came out of this period of my life; It was in this time that I found (and builded a relationship with) Allaah (swt), الحمد لله.

I'm doing so much better right now, but one thing that's still effecting me is my low self esteem and body image.
I grew a lot of self hate during my depression and that resulted in many insecurities about my body. I find myself to be very unattractive and I try to avoid looking in the mirror as much as I can.

I do believe Allaah (swt) created what's beautiful only and that I should be thankfull for being part of his creation. I should be thankfull for what I have and I truely am. Besides it's what's on the inside that matters. It's just very diffucult to change my mindset and this feelings.

Is there anyone here who has been through such thing? How do I deal with this? I would like to hear your thoughts and advices on this.

Barak Allaahou feekoum,

Wa salam,
Rapunzel.

[Btw: excuse the bad grammar, I'm horrible at this and didn't do a spell check]
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ardianto
02-21-2016, 10:28 PM
Assalamualaikum sister.

Are you afraid you will not get a husband because you think you are not physically beautiful?.

My good looking close friend ever admit that his wife physically is not beautiful. But he loves his wife. Frankly, if I knew his wife earlier than him, probably I would try to get her. She has attractive personality that make people feel comfortable with her.

Sister, not every man put physical beauty as the main thing in selecting a wife. There are men who prefer to have a wive who is not physically beautiful but has beautiful personality, than have a wife who is beautiful but has bad personality.

So, develop your personality to become the beautiful personality, then people will see you as attractive woman.

:)
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Rapunzel
02-21-2016, 10:52 PM
وعليكم السلام،
First of all, thank you very much for your reply, it made me feel a little better already.
To answer your question: yes, I'm very afraid that I'll never get married. Not only because of my physicall appearance, I just think very low of myself in general.

The way I see myself, is not how others might see me. It's a pshychological thing I just don't know how to deal with.
Reply

ardianto
02-22-2016, 12:44 AM
Always humble, always respect other people. Then other people will respect you too and will always treat you well. In Shaa Allah, you will not feel low anymore.
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Finding Peace
02-22-2016, 04:07 AM
As salaamu Alayki sister,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that you can learn to love yourself, because Allah (az za wa jaal) loves you from head to toe. For every imperfection you see in your body, Allah see's perfection. We'll make dua for you sister to help you get through this. ☺
I actually know a sister that went through what your going through. She went through depression, because of something that happened to her, and she also disliked herself. She still struggles with this but she has been getting stronger. The most important thing is to remain as close to Allah (swt) as possible. You must remember that Allah knows that your struggling, he is testing you. Don't lose patients or trust in him. Allah (swt) tests who he loves, Allah wants you to come even closer to him then you are. "Remember that Allah has blessed you with Islam, and your not a muslim because your parents are, or your from a muslim country, or whatever might be the case, your a muslim because Allah saw something in you, that you probably don't see in yourself." That something is good.
You can go on youtube and watch videos to help you get through this. "Don't be sad: Allah knows" is an inspiring video. You can also watch lectures by Majed Mahmoud, Nouman Khan, Mufti Menk, Bilal Assad, Yassir Gadhi, Sister Yasmin Mogahed, and plenty more. They all give good lectures.
Sister you must look at yourself and learn to embrace your body. If you keep hating yourself it will only get worst. The moment you accept yourself, you are moving a step closer to Allah. Even just say you accept yourself even if you don't. Just say it everyday and smile, it will get you to loving yourself.
If your worried that you won't find a husband because of your looks, then don't be. Because Allah has chosen someone for you. No one will be alone. You'll find him in the Dunya or the hereafter.
You must keep praying, pray qiyaam al layl, it will help you, do extra prayers, stay close to the Quran, talk to Allah, he is listening, make DUA!
If you want to talk, just message me. Don't be shy, I will be here for you anytime you want, what your going through is my problem also, so I will not let you go through this by yourself. ☺ Inshallah you can get out of this phase. May Allah help you and guide you through your struggles. ☝
Reply

Paprika
02-22-2016, 09:42 AM
as far as body is concerned you can just hit the gym and tighten up, far as facial looks are concerned, let me know when you figure it out, I could use the help myself lol
Reply

Kiro
02-22-2016, 12:09 PM
wswrb

you can make dua, you do physical activities like martial arts that will give ya confidence in your physical abilities and make ya feel proud of your body, you can try moisturizing your face and make it glowy; drink lots of water too!
Reply

greenhill
02-22-2016, 04:22 PM
Self confidence, self esteem, self worth, respect and everything else about self starts with self.

Self, self, self. Me, me, me! I, I, I. Nobody else in the equation, room, space or time!

Spend constructive time with yourself. Find your calling? Mission? A cause? If you were unfocused before start to focus. Have several result oriented goals. Achieve them. Take those baby steps and keep taking those baby steps and never stop talking those baby steps until you feel you have arrived at the place you want to be.

Before you know it, you may be in a different place.

But you must remember that the purpose is to build self. You are worth something whether people appreciate you or not. So learn to 'be' who you are. Allah has prepared one for you.

If you worry, then you don't trust Him. Think about it.


:peace:
Reply

burstingspace
02-22-2016, 06:51 PM
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Reply

hisnameiszzz
02-22-2016, 07:01 PM
Hahaha, I have body insecurities also, but they are the least of my worries. I was made the way I am. The thing that gives me happiness is that people I know at work and in real life know I am a good person with a kind heart and nature, and I think that is what people should see over beauty and bodies. I have a lazy eye (one eye opens more than the other) and it used to really bug me and I always felt people were looking at my eyes but then came a point in my life when I thought "sod it", it's the way I am and if someone thinks I am not good enough because I have a lazy eye, they are not good enough to be around me. No one ever notices my eyes may I add, or they might but no one ever mentions them. So maybe it was all in my head all along.

I would rather have peace of mind over a beautiful body.

I've also noticed really good looking people tend to be single and the ones that might not be traditionally good looking are married. I think people tend to see beyond external beauty to be totally honest with you.

Wishing you happiness. You seem like a lovely person.
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 07:30 PM
Originally Posted by Lady of peace
As salaamu Alayki sister,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that you can learn to love yourself, because Allah (az za wa jaal) loves you from head to toe. For every imperfection you see in your body, Allah see's perfection. We'll make dua for you sister to help you get through this. ☺
I actually know a sister that went through what your going through. She went through depression, because of something that happened to her, and she also disliked herself. She still struggles with this but she has been getting stronger. The most important thing is to remain as close to Allah (swt) as possible. You must remember that Allah knows that your struggling, he is testing you. Don't lose patients or trust in him. Allah (swt) tests who he loves, Allah wants you to come even closer to him then you are. "Remember that Allah has blessed you with Islam, and your not a muslim because your parents are, or your from a muslim country, or whatever might be the case, your a muslim because Allah saw something in you, that you probably don't see in yourself." That something is good.
You can go on youtube and watch videos to help you get through this. "Don't be sad: Allah knows" is an inspiring video. You can also watch lectures by Majed Mahmoud, Nouman Khan, Mufti Menk, Bilal Assad, Yassir Gadhi, Sister Yasmin Mogahed, and plenty more. They all give good lectures.
Sister you must look at yourself and learn to embrace your body. If you keep hating yourself it will only get worst. The moment you accept yourself, you are moving a step closer to Allah. Even just say you accept yourself even if you don't. Just say it everyday and smile, it will get you to loving yourself.
If your worried that you won't find a husband because of your looks, then don't be. Because Allah has chosen someone for you. No one will be alone. You'll find him in the Dunya or the hereafter.
You must keep praying, pray qiyaam al layl, it will help you, do extra prayers, stay close to the Quran, talk to Allah, he is listening, make DUA!
If you want to talk, just message me. Don't be shy, I will be here for you anytime you want, what your going through is my problem also, so I will not let you go through this by yourself. ☺ Inshallah you can get out of this phase. May Allah help you and guide you through your struggles. ☝
وعليكم السلام،

Thank you very much for your sweet and motivating reply. It really means a lot to me to see that there are people out there that make dua for me.

I do try my best to invest in my relationship with Allaah (swt) and focus on being a good person to the people around me. I've came a long way and haven't felt this close to Allaah since a very long time.

I know physicall appearance is the last thing I should be worrying about. It's just this negative mindset that's still effecting me and I can't seem to find a way to deal with.

Khair insha Allaah! May Allaah bless, love, guide and protect you, sis.
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 07:41 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
as far as body is concerned you can just hit the gym and tighten up, far as facial looks are concerned, let me know when you figure it out, I could use the help myself lol
Haha this comment made my day lol... If there's some sort of remedy I'll let you know for sure :)

Originally Posted by Kiro
wswrb

you can make dua, you do physical activities like martial arts that will give ya confidence in your physical abilities and make ya feel proud of your body, you can try moisturizing your face and make it glowy; drink lots of water too!
Thank you for your advice. Martial arts could be very beneficial for me, I used to when I was younger.

It's not like something is wrong with my appearance, again it's really the mindset.
Reply

Serinity
02-22-2016, 07:47 PM
:salams:

I recommend you to take care of your body. And no, not by drowning yourself in make up, poisoning yourself, etc.

But do dua to Allah (swt) and do workout! Martial arts, etc.

Set out goals for yourself. ie. 5 pushups.. 10 pushups.. 15 pushups... 20 pushups.. by the end of 2-3 months, you will be doing 25-30, then 30-40, then 50...

Just to give you perspective.. Doesn't have to be pushups.

Idk, poor advice, but keep making duas! But do something yourself.
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 07:54 PM
Originally Posted by greenhill
Self confidence, self esteem, self worth, respect and everything else about self starts with self.

Self, self, self. Me, me, me! I, I, I. Nobody else in the equation, room, space or time!

Spend constructive time with yourself. Find your calling? Mission? A cause? If you were unfocused before start to focus. Have several result oriented goals. Achieve them. Take those baby steps and keep taking those baby steps and never stop talking those baby steps until you feel you have arrived at the place you want to be.

Before you know it, you may be in a different place.

But you must remember that the purpose is to build self. You are worth something whether people appreciate you or not. So learn to 'be' who you are. Allah has prepared one for you.

If you worry, then you don't trust Him. Think about it.


[emoji14]eace:
Barak Allaahou feek for sharing your thoughts on this.

Recently (over the last 6 months), I've been working with Syrian refugees. I'm really passionate about my work. It really helped me put things in perspective and work on my inner self, الحمد لله.

I'll give it a good thought. Thank you again.
Reply

Kiro
02-22-2016, 08:02 PM
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
Haha this comment made my day lol... If there's some sort of remedy I'll let you know for sure :)



Thank you for your advice. Martial arts could be very beneficial for me, I used to when I was younger.

It's not like something is wrong with my appearance, again it's really the mindset.
yh men, u just gotaa have da appearance of a warrior! Maybe even a viking even
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 08:09 PM
Originally Posted by burstingspace
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
It really is. When it comes to other people I see the best in them. I guess I'm to hard on myself sometimes.

Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
Hahaha, I have body insecurities also, but they are the least of my worries. I was made the way I am. The thing that gives me happiness is that people I know at work and in real life know I am a good person with a kind heart and nature, and I think that is what people should see over beauty and bodies. I have a lazy eye (one eye opens more than the other) and it used to really bug me and I always felt people were looking at my eyes but then came a point in my life when I thought "sod it", it's the way I am and if someone thinks I am not good enough because I have a lazy eye, they are not good enough to be around me. No one ever notices my eyes may I add, or they might but no one ever mentions them. So maybe it was all in my head all along.

I would rather have peace of mind over a beautiful body.

I've also noticed really good looking people tend to be single and the ones that might not be traditionally good looking are married. I think people tend to see beyond external beauty to be totally honest with you.

Wishing you happiness. You seem like a lovely person.
Barak Allaahou feek for sharing your personal experience and advice. You really inspire me.

I have a few questions for you if you don't mind: How did your change of mind took place? Was there a particulair reason for it and what steps did you take to achieve this peace of mind?

I really appreciate your kind words. Thank you. May Allaah bless, guide, love and protect you (all of you) :)
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 08:18 PM
Originally Posted by Serinity
:salams:

I recommend you to take care of your body. And no, not by drowning yourself in make up, poisoning yourself, etc.

But do dua to Allah (swt) and do workout! Martial arts, etc.

Set out goals for yourself. ie. 5 pushups.. 10 pushups.. 15 pushups... 20 pushups.. by the end of 2-3 months, you will be doing 25-30, then 30-40, then 50...

Just to give you perspective.. Doesn't have to be pushups.

Idk, poor advice, but keep making duas! But do something yourself.
Thank you for your advice! I make a lot of dua and hope this situation will bring me even closer to Allaah (swt) :)

You all inspire me and make me feel strong enough to deal with this issue. Know that all of your advice is appreciated and that I make dua for every single one of you!
Originally Posted by Kiro
yh men, u just gotaa have da appearance of a warrior! Maybe even a viking even
Lol I have to created some muscles, right? :)
Reply

Kiro
02-22-2016, 08:30 PM
Oh yeah. There is also sword fighting and learning archery :)
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 08:36 PM
Originally Posted by Kiro
Oh yeah. There is also sword fighting and learning archery :)
Yeah, I always wanted to learn archery. The one with the fire/flames. Is that tough enough? :)
Reply

farhan
02-22-2016, 09:00 PM
وَ عَلَيْكُمْ السَّلاَمُ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَ بَرَكَاتُهُ

Maybe it is overthinking?

See this thread [emoji4]: http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...ppearance.html

Looks aren't everything.
Reply

Kiro
02-22-2016, 09:00 PM
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
Yeah, I always wanted to learn archery. The one with the fire/flames. Is that tough enough? :)
Yes by than you will be a full fledge warrior and you will be proud of your appearance and will have confidence in yourself including in your capabilities.
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 09:15 PM
Originally Posted by فرحان
وَ عَلَيْكُمْ السَّلاَمُ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَ بَرَكَاتُهُ

Maybe it is overthinking?

See this thread [emoji4]: http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...ppearance.html

Looks aren't everything.
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته،

Barak Allaahou feek for your comment. Yes, it definetly has to do with me overthinking everything.

I know I have a lot more to offer than just my appearance. People who know me in person tell me all the time. It's just really hard to believe them, when your used to think so low about yourself for so long.
Originally Posted by Kiro
Yes by than you will be a full fledge warrior and you will be proud of you're appearance and will have confidence in yourself including in your capabilities.
Well if that's what it takes...
I can close this topic...:)
Reply

farhan
02-22-2016, 09:34 PM
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته،

Barak Allaahou feek for your comment. Yes, it definetly has to do with me overthinking everything.

I know I have a lot more to offer than just my appearance. People who know me in person tell me all the time. It's just really hard to believe them, when your used to think so low about yourself for so long.
وَ عَلَيْكُمْ السَّلاَمُ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَ بَرَكَاتُهُ

Yes alhamdulilah I'm sure you do [emoji4].

Stay in righteous company and be positive yourself إن شاء الله.

May Allah grant you a righteous pious spouse. Ameen.
Reply

Rapunzel
02-22-2016, 10:02 PM
Originally Posted by فرحان
وَ عَلَيْكُمْ السَّلاَمُ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَ بَرَكَاتُهُ

Yes alhamdulilah I'm sure you do [emoji4].

Stay in righteous company and be positive yourself إن شاء الله.

May Allah grant you a righteous pious spouse. Ameen.
Thank you alot! May Allaah (swt) love, guide and protect you and your family and bless you with a righteous pious spouse aswell. All of you.Allaahouma ameen!
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 08:20 AM
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
Thank you for your advice! I make a lot of dua and hope this situation will bring me even closer to Allaah (swt) :)

You all inspire me and make me feel strong enough to deal with this issue. Know that all of your advice is appreciated and that I make dua for every single one of you!

Lol I have to created some muscles, right? :)
Even for naughty Paprika????

how did you make your hair grow so long??? I'm suffering streaks of baldness, the secret recipe will be much appreciated
Reply

Rapunzel
02-23-2016, 09:49 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
Even for naughty Paprika????

how did you make your hair grow so long??? I'm suffering streaks of baldness, the secret recipe will be much appreciated
Even for you Paprika :)

Haha it's my best kept secret lol
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 09:52 AM
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
Even for you Paprika :)

Haha it's my best kept secret lol
It must be my lucky day:D

shame, no hair for paprika then :(
Reply

Rapunzel
02-23-2016, 09:55 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
It must be my lucky day:D

shame, no hair for paprika then :(
Try castor oil, it really works :)
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 09:56 AM
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
Try castor oil, it really works :)
I tried all times of oils, coconut oil, black seed oil, atchaar oil, nothing works.
Reply

hisnameiszzz
02-23-2016, 10:36 AM
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
I have a few questions for you if you don't mind: How did your change of mind took place? Was there a particulair reason for it and what steps did you take to achieve this peace of mind?
It wound me up for quite some time that I was not like everyone else I knew. They all had perfect eyes and features physically but I realised not all of them were "nice" people like me (sorry if that sounds really full of myself). For instance, most of the people I knew were handsome and good looking but treated people really badly, as in they swore, answered back, were rude, were not compassionate etc.

I did look into having my eyes sorted but when I read the horror stories about the things that could go wrong and make them even worse than they were and eventually, with the nagging of my Mother, I just accepted that my eyes were not going to be symmetrical. Allah made me this way for a reason (not sure what the reason is, but I will leave it at that and not worry about it anymore). They may not be perfect physically to look at but at least they were in good working condition and I am grateful for that.

I still do catch my reflection in the mirror at times and it winds me up but then I just think of other things like pizza and chips and my nephews and nieces which normally deflects my worries.

I hope things work out for you.
Reply

Rapunzel
02-23-2016, 08:16 PM
Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
It wound me up for quite some time that I was not like everyone else I knew. They all had perfect eyes and features physically but I realised not all of them were "nice" people like me (sorry if that sounds really full of myself). For instance, most of the people I knew were handsome and good looking but treated people really badly, as in they swore, answered back, were rude, were not compassionate etc.

I did look into having my eyes sorted but when I read the horror stories about the things that could go wrong and make them even worse than they were and eventually, with the nagging of my Mother, I just accepted that my eyes were not going to be symmetrical. Allah made me this way for a reason (not sure what the reason is, but I will leave it at that and not worry about it anymore). They may not be perfect physically to look at but at least they were in good working condition and I am grateful for that.

I still do catch my reflection in the mirror at times and it winds me up but then I just think of other things like pizza and chips and my nephews and nieces which normally deflects my worries.

I hope things work out for you.
Barak Allaahou feek for answering my questions and sharing your personal experience. May Allaah (swt) protect you always!
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