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hajar81
02-27-2016, 07:44 PM
wa alykum salaam dear brothers and sisters,
Im writing here with the deep hope to receive some help with the big problem Im having. Last year Ive married a guy, but our marriage has been very hard from the beggining because my ex was really harsh and sometimes rude, but I deeply loved him so much and i was very jealous on him. During a bad argument he divorced me, but i discovered after few months he didnt really want to, but anyway he didnt do nothing for get me back. I was really depressed and I had totally lost self confidence and respect for my self, because my ex blamed me for everything, telling me I was not ready for marriage life and no men could handle me. So after few weeks I met another guy and after 6 months we got married. He is a very nice guy, faithful, religious commited, kind, much better of my ex; but with the time i realized I married him only for proove to my self and to my ex that other men could appreciate me; it was like a revenge. I realized i dont love my husband and often im not able to fitfull my duties cause after soon the marriage I disliked him. I dont feel any deep feeling for him :(
But the worste thing is that I understood that im still with my ex husband. One month ago I texted him and we talk regurarly; he doesnt know im married and he didnt ask me to come back to him. But I think about him each moment , and i feel so bad and guilty cause i know im doing something haraam , talking to my ex and thinking about him , but i really I cant stop my self. I feel like im a disgusting woman because my husband doesnt deserve that and Im scared of the hellfire. Im wondering if I should divorce from my husband, cause im scared i can commit zina if I keep stay with him, because i dont feel a real love in my heart, and im ungretful cause im not able to see the good things he doesn for me. The thing that I dont love him is a good reason for asking for divorce?
Please I need an honest advice, i cannot live in this way, it is one month I came back to my mother house cause I didnt want stay with him anymore, but he doesnt know the real reasons and he is waiting for me coming back home soon.
please, an honest advice.
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LaSorcia
02-27-2016, 11:35 PM
Hello Hajar81,

I am sorry to hear of your difficult situation. To be honest, I'm afraid it sounds like your first husband was emotionally and/or verbally abusive. Search, please help me out here. You posted a graphic about characteristics of an abusive relationship in a thread here somewhere. Can you please post that here or link to it, so Hajar81 can see it?

Maybe you did get married on the rebound. But does your new husband love you? Maybe you don't love him emotionally, but perhaps you could take the time to get to know him better, go out and romance each other before you give up? Love is more than a rush of feelings, it is an action towards others.

I have a feeling that talking to your ex is just a bad idea for you emotionally, as well as being haram.

Adrianto, please help out here lol, you often have wise advice about human relationships.

God bless you, and praying for you.


PS-Hey, are you all trying to make me convert so I can answer threads here without restrictions? Hehehe.;)
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Amatullah~
02-28-2016, 12:51 AM
:salam:

Firstly, you should completely cut all contact with your ex-husband, because it's haram and completely inappropriate. You are betraying your current husband by speaking to another man (your ex) behind his back.

Also, what guarantees that if you divorce your current husband, you'll be back with your ex? Perhaps the grass seems greener on the other side and the Shaytan is trying to create conflict within your relationship. You also said that your ex didn't even ask you to come back, so why are you clinging on false hope? Don't think or rush into divorce yet, because there is no need for it. It seems communicating with your ex is affecting your marriage and the way you view your husband.

Basically, cut all means of communication with your ex and focus on improving your relationship with your husband. Work on improving your Iman and getting closer to Allah :swt1:
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jameelash
02-28-2016, 02:23 AM
Sister ur doing double mistake.talking to ur ex without letting him no ur remarried. A grave mistake.nd it's plainly understand he is not interested in u bcos he is not calling
U bk to his life.may be he is already re married.he may already spreading news ur calling him.2nd ur cheating ur husband..cut off all ties from ur ex nd put up true relationship with husband.don't cheat him.ull be the looser.may Allah guide u in te right path .aameen
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azc
02-28-2016, 02:39 AM
Why your spoiling your happy married life by contacting that mean, arrogant and worthless creature? He didn't deserve you and you've proven it. There is no need to make him realize that he was wrong. Now he's stranger to you. If your husband divorces you for this 'breach of faith' then whole of the world will blame on you. So don't destroy your home.
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ardianto
02-28-2016, 02:50 AM
Wa'alaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, sister Hajar81.

I start with a question, what is love?. ...... Love is a feeling which you want to make someone happy, and you will be happy too when you see the someone who you love happy and appreciate you. But do you feel like it toward your ex?. I am sure you don't. So, what you feel on your ex actually is not love, but a feeling that you have been surrender to him, and you are under his possession. That's why you feel you should back to him.

A man with character like your ex indeed, always make his partner feel unworthy and low through tell her that no other men will appreciate her because she is like this, she is like that, everything that bad about her. The method that he use to make his partner surrender is combination between tenderness and rudeness. In one time he tell his partner "I love you, I love you" and treat her well that make her feel like 'fly to the moon'. In another time he treat his partner rudely and tell her the words that will make her feel low. But then he continue with "I love you" again. It makes her partner feel that actually he loves her, then she will try to tolerate his rudeness on her.

Do you know sister?, the man with character like this actually common enough found among the men. Now ask yourself, are you sure you will be happy to live with a man who rude to you, who always make you feel low, who actually doesn't love you?.

Now look at your husband. You say he is a very nice guy, faithful, religious commited, kind. I am sure he treat you well. And do you know?. The man like this actually is not so much. So why don't you be grateful because now you have a man like this?.

Allah has helped you to be free from a man who treated you badly, and gives you a man who treat you well, who love you. Give a chance to yourself to feel your husband kindness, give a chance to your heart to feel your husband love. In Shaa Allah, then love will be arise in your heart.

Now what you should do is back to your husband and give him your sweetest smile. I am sure he will give you his sweetest smile too, and you will be happy.

:)
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Search
02-28-2016, 03:54 AM
:bism:

Sure, sis, and I don't have much to give in the advice as all members have advised so beautifully Masha-Allah. So, I'll paste the original graph which should be helpful In-sha-Allah:





Originally Posted by LaSorcia
Hello Hajar81,

I am sorry to hear of your difficult situation. To be honest, I'm afraid it sounds like your first husband was emotionally and/or verbally abusive. Search, please help me out here. You posted a graphic about characteristics of an abusive relationship in a thread here somewhere.
Reply

hajar81
02-28-2016, 12:35 PM
salaam alykum dear brothres and sisters,
first of all thank you to you all. well, masha allah im surprised how all you understood my ex husband was abusive towards me , without saying it clearly. yes, he was.he alwasy made me feel 100% inadeguate and bad, not worth as wife and step mother because he has a daughetr from another marriage. He always told me i was lazy,that i didnt trust him, that i was rebelious, etc. , always rude and unpolite in his words, but he justified that saying he was trying to fix my behavior because of my western background affected me. i want to say that each day i woke up at 5 for taking care of his 7 year daughter, breakfast for the school, cooking, cleaning etc.and he didnt want absolutely that i could have friends, or go out, or even use the phone, cause he wanted me 100% for him. At the end he divorced me while he was very upset and forced me to live the house soon. I dont know why im still thinking about him, cause i was not happy, even if i didnt want to divorce.I still feel very attached to him, maybe cause we broke suddendly, he took his decision suddendly and after two days he forced me to leave the house. But i forgave him. When I met my new husband i was really hurted and i needed to feel that menstill could appreciate me, and i wanted to proove my self that i could be a good wife/woman. I married my new husband cause i really wanted to build a family. but after soon i started to dislike him cause i saw many differences between us ( even if I repeat he is very good man), I think also his econimical situation made me feel depressed cause we have very little money. So something inside me pushed me to write some emails to my ex. He is not married and he didnt ask me to come back him,he offered me a job in his company and it made me think he is trying to be closer to me; I wouldnt divorce because of him, but cause im scared the absence of "love" towards my husband can pusch me in haraam.
i know im making many mistakes and im so scared allahswt will punish me for all of that!
the real problem is that i don t feel really attached to my husband( i also refused for now to have a baby) :( :(
I prayed istikara and im waiting and thinking.
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hajar81
02-28-2016, 12:47 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Wa'alaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, sister Hajar81.

I start with a question, what is love?. ...... Love is a feeling which you want to make someone happy, and you will be happy too when you see the someone who you love happy and appreciate you. But do you feel like it toward your ex?. I am sure you don't. So, what you feel on your ex actually is not love, but a feeling that you have been surrender to him, and you are under his possession. That's why you feel you should back to him.
True I dont feel these feelings towards my ex husband, i only feel like a kind of "possession"...

A man with character like your ex indeed, always make his partner feel unworthy and low through tell her that no other men will appreciate her because she is like this, she is like that, everything that bad about her. The method that he use to make his partner surrender is combination between tenderness and rudeness. In one time he tell his partner "I love you, I love you" and treat her well that make her feel like 'fly to the moon'. In another time he treat his partner rudely and tell her the words that will make her feel low. But then he continue with "I love you" again. It makes her partner feel that actually he loves her, then she will try to tolerate his rudeness on her.

Do you know sister?, the man with character like this actually common enough found among the men. Now ask yourself, are you sure you will be happy to live with a man who rude to you, who always make you feel low, who actually doesn't love you?.
The problem is that, I know I wouldn be happy :(

Now look at your husband. You say he is a very nice guy, faithful, religious commited, kind. I am sure he treat you well. And do you know?. The man like this actually is not so much. So why don't you be grateful because now you have a man like this?.

Allah has helped you to be free from a man who treated you badly, and gives you a man who treat you well, who love you. Give a chance to yourself to feel your husband kindness, give a chance to your heart to feel your husband love. In Shaa Allah, then love will be arise in your heart.

Now what you should do is back to your husband and give him your sweetest smile. I am sure he will give you his sweetest smile too, and you will be happy.

:)
Insha Allah
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MuslimInshallah
02-28-2016, 01:48 PM
Wa alaikum assalaam Hajar,


(gently) oh my dear...! You are being tortured...

Such an abuser tries to set up an addiction to him in his victim. And then he takes pleasure in hurting her (or him; women can be abusers, too). (gently) And he knows that the person who can most harm her, is herself.

I suspect that he knows you are married, you know. An abuser likes control, and likes to keep tabs on his victim. He is also likely addicted to you, you know. He craves your pain.

You are Blessed, my dear, in that you have had no children with your ex. So you can truly cut ties with him. But I think that you will need help.

I would suggest:

1) Pray to Allah to help you get away from your ex.
2) Try to find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable (you may have to interview a few before you find the right one for you).
3) Ask your husband, and others, for help.
4) Read books about abusive relationships: how to recognize what is going on, and how we can change our own behaviour.

Sometimes, it is best to not reveal one's mistakes. But in this case, I think you need to have a humble, honest and open conversation with your husband. Not only do you need help to get away from your abuser, but you need to avoid giving him any more power over you. As you have been exchanging emails and texts with him, your abuser may try to use these against you and try to ruin your marriage some time in the future. Also, if you can recruit your husband to help you, you and he will be working together. This could help you build a proper relationship with him.

(sigh) Of course, hearing about this problem may cause your husband to withdraw from you. It is a risk. However, I believe it is a risk that you will need to take.

Please, my dear, take steps to protect yourself. I'm not sure how to do this (I'm not a very techy person), but is it possible for you to completely shut down the email address you have, and change your phone number? Also, please don't even think about working for your abuser, no matter how tight your finances are. No good would come of this. And it would give him so many opportunities to torment you and ruin your reputation, and to try to get you to say or do something that you would then torment yourself about.

Finally, please try to remember that we can only truly forgive those who acknowledge that they have done us wrong. When you say that you forgave your abuser... I think what you mean is, that on some level, you took the blame on yourself, and that you desperately wanted him to forgive you. And you are still seeking this, I think. (gently) This is the sort of emotional reversal that abusers excel in.

(gently) Think about this: did you really do something terribly wrong in your marriage with your abuser? ...Or did he? Did he honestly and humbly seek your forgiveness? Has he tried to make any amends?

(gently) Right now, you are putting the blame for your present interactions with him only on yourself. You try to convince yourself that he doesn't know you are married. And that therefore, you are wholly to blame, and he is innocent. But I ask you: if you were not married, would your abuser's behaviour be any more correct? Is his speaking with a woman of marriageable age with no intention of honourable marriage... decent? Correct? Reasonable? Is it a good or kind thing for him to be speaking with you, dangling the prospect of a job in front of you, hinting of emotional intimacy with you?

Abusers seek out the weak and vulnerable. You need help and protection from this vulture. (smile) We here on this Forum offer our help, in the form of prayers and a little moral support. Now please, seek help and protection from Allah, and from those around you. (gently) We all have trials to deal with in this life. This is one of yours.

Hugs, my dear.


May Allah, Independent, the Strong, the Firm, Help us to cultivate these beautiful qualities in ourselves... as a form of worship of Him.
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greenhill
02-28-2016, 03:08 PM
As usual, MuslimInshallah has the right words..

If after all that, your husband decides to one way or the other, you have your decision made. You have an open slate, cleared or not is not the concern. But you are now free to choose your trajectory.

One is you remain married, the other is you are single again. Both have different sets of actions.

To add. If you end up single again, don't ever go back to the abusive man. Don't ever look back in that direction.


:peace:
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BeTheChange
02-28-2016, 03:24 PM
Asalamualykum,

As humans it is our nature not to appreciate the things we have until we lose them.

The first thing you must do as mentioned by everyone is to cut off all communication with your ex. You left him for a reason.

Also this thread is full of advice and practical solutions. Please have a read by visiting >> http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...ationship.html

Ameen to the duas.

May Allah swt provide you with clarity and a deep bond with your husband Ameen.
Reply

Finding Peace
02-29-2016, 06:15 PM
As-Salaam sister,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Inshallah you can find a resolution.
It seems as if you married your current husband to fill a hole that your ex left. You felt good having a man to speak to, then you got married and then you realized that something was missing. You aren't satisfied. You didn't marry him becuase you loved him but as an object to help you find comfort from your past relationship. Sister your ex pushed you down to the. Ground, you need to open your eyes and realize he's not good for you.
Was he your first? It can be the reason that your not over him. You probably fell to deep for him and made yourself think that he can change for you and he loves you. It can be really hard to get over our first love. You need to distant yourself from him. Allah separated you two, and He gave you a lovely husband. You need to spend time with him and the love will come. ☺ If you continue to talk to your ex, it will probably turn extremely bad, and you'll lose your current husband. And you'll end up regretting it. Him being abusive should have been your ticket away from him. Not only would it have been bad for you to be with him, but for him also. He would have been getting sins for the way he treated you. So don't go back. Sometimes we like a little bad guy but that's not good for us. It only makes us lost and depressed. It will only ruin us, so please sister distant yourself. Allah saved you, I wouldn't want you to get another divorce. Maybe try talking your husband and you guys can figure something out. Ask Allah for guidance. Sometimes we think that something is good for us but it's actually bad for us, and sometimes we think something is bad for us but it's actually good; Allah only knows, so ask Allah. May He guide you. ☺

Originally Posted by hajar81
wa alykum salaam dear brothers and sisters,
Im writing here with the deep hope to receive some help with the big problem Im having. Last year Ive married a guy, but our marriage has been very hard from the beggining because my ex was really harsh and sometimes rude, but I deeply loved him so much and i was very jealous on him. During a bad argument he divorced me, but i discovered after few months he didnt really want to, but anyway he didnt do nothing for get me back. I was really depressed and I had totally lost self confidence and respect for my self, because my ex blamed me for everything, telling me I was not ready for marriage life and no men could handle me. So after few weeks I met another guy and after 6 months we got married. He is a very nice guy, faithful, religious commited, kind, much better of my ex; but with the time i realized I married him only for proove to my self and to my ex that other men could appreciate me; it was like a revenge. I realized i dont love my husband and often im not able to fitfull my duties cause after soon the marriage I disliked him. I dont feel any deep feeling for him :(
But the worste thing is that I understood that im still with my ex husband. One month ago I texted him and we talk regurarly; he doesnt know im married and he didnt ask me to come back to him. But I think about him each moment , and i feel so bad and guilty cause i know im doing something haraam , talking to my ex and thinking about him , but i really I cant stop my self. I feel like im a disgusting woman because my husband doesnt deserve that and Im scared of the hellfire. Im wondering if I should divorce from my husband, cause im scared i can commit zina if I keep stay with him, because i dont feel a real love in my heart, and im ungretful cause im not able to see the good things he doesn for me. The thing that I dont love him is a good reason for asking for divorce?
Please I need an honest advice, i cannot live in this way, it is one month I came back to my mother house cause I didnt want stay with him anymore, but he doesnt know the real reasons and he is waiting for me coming back home soon.
please, an honest advice.
Reply

Kiro
02-29-2016, 07:03 PM
fast for self control and for it to be a shield

make dua and make dua at tahajud for Allah make it easy for you and make dua for you develop things to love your husband, learn to like things about him

follow the sunnah will help like smiling and make give ur husband a cute nickname

also stop talking to your ex, cut it from the root before it grows into a tree
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pricklypear
03-01-2016, 09:49 AM
I haven't read the replies above, so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

1) You're husband is a good man and is honouring you and treating you well. You have no legitimate reason to divorce him.

2) You are addicted to the unhealthy, toxic attachment you have to your ex husband. Whilst yes, he was abusive you too are also emotionally unhealthy in order for you to be drawn such a character. What you believe is 'love' and what you are experiencing with your ex-husband is not love. What you have with your current husband is a healthy love/attachment, but you cannot recognise it because it is not the same painful, suspense type attachment that you are used too and so familiar with.

3) Develop you emaan and your fear of Allah. Adultery is no minor issue. No personal circumstance can ever justify committing haraam. This issue of not being in love or desiring your ex might feel monumental right now, but it is nothing compared to what is to come. Don't let shaytaan manipulate your weakness to make you lose sight of what is really important and where you should really be focusing your energy. Do you think when you are laying in your grave or when your soul is being taken, you will care about your ex then? Will it matter on the day of judgement? Will the punishment and wrath of Allah be worth the haraam you committed for him?

4) Once you've repented and are making sincere effort to strengthen your emaan, seek professional help or educate yourself about the reasons as to why you are drawn to an abusive relationship. It may help you to understand yourself and avoid falling into the same trap again.
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hajar81
03-01-2016, 04:19 PM
salaalm alaykum to you all,
each reply I got from you all has inside some truth, masha Allah Im so surprised hoe deeply yuu understood my situation without even know the details. yes im seeking for a a professional help to make me realize what is happened in my life, Insha Allah monday I ll see a doctor. My ex was not my first, but probably he had kind a strange power on me, maybe because he was the first who introduced me to Islam, so in someway I feel attached. Im a reverted lady. I dont think think he actually knows im currently married, but it could be; i can only say that shaytan is playing with my weakness ! I know i dont have legitimate reasons to divorce my husband, but i cannot feel happy with him, I feel I miss something; for example between us there is not dialogue, we dont talk too much, I try hard to involve him in my things, but he is a man who is cold, i mean he doesnt ask me for example" how is going your day"? or he doesnt ask me my plans or my goals. I talked to him about my feeling not happy, and that I feel sometimes he is like indifferent, but I think it is his nature, cause he didnt change towards me; while with my ex we talked a lot, about everything, religion, politics, economy, each topics, and I miss this kind of relationship. My husband is a good man, very calm, while im a very active person, we are different, maybe cause we grew up in two different countries so our backgrounds are totally different. I know I did something very bad to text my ex and I stopped to do it, but I still im not sure about my husband; Im still to my mother home and he asked me to come home( we are in two different countries in this moment, very far).Im thinking to talk with him about my ex, but im scared it can spoil something between us. Im also saying many du a but this problem is affecting my deen, because i keep ask my self why allahswt is cursing me with all these problems and bad feelings: during the engagement i did Istikhara and i was sure 100% about my choice, I really wanted to marry him. Im wondering if it is possible that the "love" comes with the time, like many people say. I dont feel happy to the idea to see him again, i dont feel sad, i feel like indifferent, and it makes me think that im not really attached to him. How will be my life being with a man i dont really love? i feel so worried for the future :(
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Kiro
03-01-2016, 04:55 PM
@Hajar have you tried the tahajud? THan saying a dua something like 'Ya Allah, put love between me and my spouse and safeguard me'
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pricklypear
03-02-2016, 11:56 AM
I would say make giving up haraam contact your first priority. Whatever you do, do not contact him. Do not worry too much about how much you love your current husband. As you cut any involvement with your ex husband, you will gain perspective and that will be enable you to see the situation much more objectively. Which will also help you to see your relationship with your current husband in a much better light. At the moment your judgement is clouded with the intensity of your emotions for your ex husband.


You are still involved with your ex husband and this is fuelling your attachments to him, naturally this is detracting from your ability to be fully present in your current marriage and give it your all. By entertaining the fantasy of the 'greener grass', that will of course build resentment in you towards your current husband and most likely he is picking up on this.


If you are unhappy with your current marriage, it has to be that you have come to that conclusion independently of any outside influences. Not because you are comparing him to former toxic relationship with an abusive man. At the moment, you are using your abusive relationship with your ex husband as a barometer for how you expect a marriage should be. If you have only been used to an abusive relationship all your life, a healthy one will feel unsettling. There is no reason why all the things you say your marriage is lacking can not be developed.


Give it up completely, not for the sake of your husband or for the sake of finding love, but for the sake of Allah. It is Allah who puts love in the hearts of spouses, and you will never find happiness you seek in disobedience to Him.
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