arguing with spouse over what I wear

[anonymous]

Salaam

I have been married for several years and in the main we have a stable relationship. However every so of often we find ourselves arguing over matters that are really trivial in my opinion. Most of it centres on what I wear and my husband having a more stricter approach on the hijab than I used to.Prior to marriage I didn't observe any form of hijab but for the sake of making the marriage work I adopted the hijab after a few months of our marriage. Only recently a few strands of my hair were showing and he kicked up a fuss that my hair were showing when it was a simple case of my scarf coming slightly loose and to be fair it happens a fair bit because I find using pins uncomfortable. Another bone of contention he has is with my wearing high heels. I simply do not understand this one as according to him it alters the body posture and in his opinion I should avoid them. Again this is a habit I have from before marriage and for some reason to me it appears he uses this as an excuse to just have an argument. I seriously believe he likes arguing every so often but he insists his sincere. Please advise me whether I'm wrong in my approach or do you think my husband is too extreme considering men have a duty to guard their gaze too.

[Umm Abed]

Wassalam

Some people do over-react, so as you say he uses it as an excuse to argue - Id say dont give him any reason to argue. Try to dress appropriately and you will appreciate the peace.

If high heels is an issue by him then simply leave it out, its not worth fighting over and making oneself stressful over things like that.

[BeTheChange]

Walaikumasalaam,

If i was in your situation i would try my very hardest to act upon his advice.

Why?

Because what he is advising you stems from Islam.

I understand why you say these are trivial matters but in Islam covering every bit of our hair is faraz and it is no trivial matter in Islam.

The reason why your husband may feel uncomfortable with you wearing heels is because it is more likely to attract the attention of men. Speak to your husband and find out why he doesn't want you to wear heels. Am not sure if Islam specifically talks about wearing heels but the general clothing advice is to dress so it does not attract the attention of men.

I wish you all the best.

[Serinity]

Trust me. We men know what is enticing.

About the heels, I don't think he is extreme in that. But there are extremes obv..

Just listen to your husband BUT, if there is SOMETHING you find odd, or unreasonable, discuss it with him. Say to him "I don't get why you want me to do this etc."

You don't have to obey blindly. If something confuses you, ask him.. If he says "do this, take this, remove this" etc. If something seems off, ask.....

Communication is key. If you can't communicate and feel comfortable asking eachother, why etc. Why do you say that.. etc. It will become, perhaps, a strict marriage..........

If he says "take off your heels" if you don't why, say "What's the reason for me to do so?" then he will say "It attracts attention, and it may be enticing".

Always wait for the "because, it is like this"

For example. "I really don't want my wife to go without Hijab, because ............" Wait for the reason to his asking.. If he doesn't then ask him.

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[anonymous]

I wear the hijab and long clothes. His explained that he feels heels could attract attention because they make noise and change the way I walk apparently!!!! I just think his a control freak as he always has something to knit pick about my clothes. He knows I don't like being told off about how I dress and he comes up with the most absurd reasoning like my headscarf is too bright. I mean what does he want me to go around in a black bin bag. I don't even bother talking about it to him because he just starts giving me a lecture like I'm totally ignorant which I find very offensive. I don't see the issue with heels personally as long as my clothes are long . All shoes make a noise so what's the problem .

Oh also last year there was an Islamic nasheed event and he had a problem with me going as according to him it's wrong !!!

[Umm Abed]

Edited..

[Serinity]

Edited.

[ardianto]

This anonymous sister seem like moderate enough, while her husband very conservative. So they have different view on modesty.

[Umm Abed]

Jazakallah

[Asiyah3]

Wa alaykum as-salaam,

Sister as a single girl I find it beautiful that you have a stable relationship with your husband for many years as I keep hearing about divorce around me. Alhamdulillah, that makes me happy. May it so continue and may Allah keep you together.

Are you familiar with those types of men who like to show off to people by using their wives, with a competing attitude 'check out I am married with the hottest girl'?

Sister if your husband is feeling jealous, it is only because he loves you. Trust me, the day he tells you 'dress even in a miniskirt if you like or go out with a bikini', be sure that he doesn't care about you any less. The fact he cares about your dressing manner shows love and respect towards you. I'm saying this, because nowadays many men might feel 'embarrassed' or 'uncomfortable' when walking besides a wife which wears a hijab in a non-Muslim society. Now can you imagine how such women feel... that your husband would feel ashamed to walk besides you. My point is that your husband preferring conservative clothing is better than him detesting it.

It's indeed not worth it to argue about such matters. Such situations often happens when either a couple don't discuss such topics before marriage or one marries a more/less religious spouse. I dislike men who marry a woman without hijab, then demand her to change. I don't get it why they don't marry a hijabi in the first place... This happens way too often. Men marry non-Muslim women, then demand them to change religion. Imagine if I married a smoker, then demanded him to stop smoking. Not sensible at all. Your husband is not extreme, but it is unreasonable in my huble opinion to marry someone different and then change them by force.

You shouldn't be wearing the hijab for the sake of your husband. There is no reward in that. Renew your intention and do it for the purpose of pleasing your Creator. A peaceful marriage comes from Allah, and only by following His guidance, can one attain a content heart.

Your husband can be your way to Paradise, so if he is advising you something which bring you closer to Allah swt and Paradise and a more peaceful marriage, I'd personally follow his advice.

[Ummshareef]

Wa alaikum assalaam

You are indeed blessed to have a husband who seems to be trying to guide you according to the teachings of Islam, so it would be beneficial for you to take his advice rather then resisting him sister. You may consider the arguments to be trivial, in which case why not simply do as he requests, especially as he is guiding you away from sin? A few hairs showing may seem trivial to you but they lead to lustful thoughts for many men, so it is for your own protection that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'alaa has made a law that no hair must be on display. To give you an idea how serious this is, at my daughter's madrassa any girl showing a single strand of hair automatically receives punishment.

[Asiyah3]

To give you an idea how serious this is, at my daughter's madrassa any girl showing a single strand of hair automatically receives punishment.

Sounds overly strict and unfair if they punish for accidental exposure. Hopefully not!

[Ummshareef]

Sounds overly strict and unfair if they punish for accidental exposure. Hopefully not!

Well, they need to learn that transgressing Allah's laws has consequences, even if through carelessness.

[Asiyah3]

Well, they need to learn that transgressing Allah's laws has consequences, even if through carelessness.

I don't want to interfere with the way other people raise their children. But for your information, I have friends who developed a dislike for religion because of overly strict parents who punished them for petty reasons like this. Whatever happened to love and gentleness... Imagine when a child goes to an 'supposedly Islamic' school and is treated harshly, then sees a European school and sees children being treated with kindess, love and care, just guessing which she'll end up drawn to in her heart...

[Umm Abed]

I also believe that children should be treated with utmost kindness, and especially if its an all girl's madrassa there is no harm in exposing some hair whatever.

Imagine if Allah punished us for our sins, we would be non existent, and yet we commit sins everyday, but through His mercy He is giving us respite and chance to turn and repent. Subhanallah.

[Ummshareef]

I don't want to interfere with the way other people raise their children. But for your information, I have friends who developed a dislike for religion because of overly strict parents who punished them for petty reasons like this. Whatever happened to love and gentleness... Imagine when a child goes to an 'supposedly Islamic' school and is treated harshly, then sees a European school and sees children being treated with kindess, love and care, just guessing which she'll end up drawn to in her heart...

Well, I can see where you are coming from and yes there is always this danger. But there needs to be a balance between encouraging children through love and gentleness to learn and practice their Deen and, very occasionally, correcting them when they stray. My kids for example know that they will be reprimanded if they do not perform their fardh salah but that does not mean that they only pray through fear. Maybe I am one of the strict parents, but actually they love their salah and I hope I have helped them appreciate how important it is and to develop their fear of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'alaa.

I also believe that children should be treated with utmost kindness, and especially if its an all girl's madrassa there is no harm in exposing some hair whatever.

No harm? Really? When the girls come and go to the madrassa there is always the possibility that they will be seen, so they are required to become accustomed to observing the Islamic dress code and that means covering everything except the hands and face, i.e. no hair showing. This is taught mainly with kindness and love, and only when absolutely necessary are they disciplined.

[ReboundMuslimah]

Edited

[~ Sabr ~]

Your spouse is correct - he has gheerah over you which is good. You need to try and listen and understand why he is saying it like this.