View Full Version : I can't get married but have strong physical urge

03-27-2016, 04:00 AM
At this moment I just turned 18 and I'm kind of seeing someone, there isn't any physical contact or anything haram, we talk over text and our conversations have become really serious evolving around marriage and the futur. He wants to keep completely halal and I like that but I'm just so compelled into wanting physically more even if it's haram. I'm kind of dying to have sex and I'm always turned on.

I have masturbated just to stop myself from committing adultery and it feels amazing but that too isn't enough and even if I made it enough, I just think it's unfair for the man that's going to marry me one day because when I do get married he won't be the first one to give me this deep sexual pleasure/orgasms.

Marriage isn't a solution because I feel like I'm not ready for such a commitment, I'm not ready to become a wife yet and I feel like theirs still so much left to do for myself in life before getting married like getting a degree, being financial independent and accomplishing personal goals...all those things couldn't be done if I got married because I'd be distracted from my goals.

My question to anyone is, what are alternatives, solutions other than committing adultery or getting married

**I've tried stopping masturbating but I seriously just can't, it's addicting

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03-27-2016, 05:10 AM
You need to stop talking to this person, it's impermissible.

And you need to fast as it is a shield and make lots of dua for Allah to make it easy for you.

03-27-2016, 11:53 AM
Assalaamu alaikum Hodann,

(smile) Mmm... it sounds like you are pretty distracted as it is...

(mildly) Marriage should be a way to help you achieve your goals, not thwart them (if you are both good and decent people, and you both help one another). Yes, if a child comes along, it becomes more difficult to do things than if you don't have a child, but much is still possible. (smile) And there are ways to limit having a child immediately after marriage.

(mildly) And if you engage in extra-marital sex, you can still get pregnant, except you are less likely to have a solid foundation of help to raise your child...

(smile) As children, we often think that if only we were adults, then we could do anything that we wanted. But it is not like this. Adulthood is increasing levels of responsibility and the choosing of options. We can't do everything that we want, and we can't have everything that we want. (smile) Still, there is a lot we can accomplish, if we are willing to try hard.

I was considered young when I married (20 is young in Canada). I was able to study until I got a Master's degree. Then when I was 25, and just starting to practise my profession, I started to have children. I could have had just one or two, put them in childcare, and continued with my career and made a lot of money. But I chose instead to raise my own children, and I went on to have six of them. (smile) But I could still think and learn (an important goal for me). And I may return to the paid workforce now that my children are older. Did I get everything that I wanted? No. A major goal for me was to have a family with a caring husband and father. This did not work out for me. At least, it has not happened yet. (smile) But who knows what the future might bring?

Having goals is a good idea. They give you a healthy focus. But we should not become so focused on a goal that we transgress God's Limits. This level of focus is, I believe, a subtle form of shirk (worshipping other than God).

(smile) so what can you do? (smile) Well, how about seriously looking for a husband who will help you accomplish the goals that you have? It is important for you to study? To have a job? Well, make this clear right from the beginning and then put it in your marriage contract. (smile) Though you may find that your goals shift over time. (laugh) I certainly did not imagine that I would have so many children!

(smile) I hope this helps, a little.

May Allah, the Timeless, Guide us and Strengthen us to live lives that are best for us... in this world and the Next.

03-27-2016, 12:52 PM
It is not okay in Islam to chit-chat with a person of the opposite gender, so you need to stop talking to this person immediately. If you're 18 yrs old you're old enough to get married, and old enough to be held accountable for your actions. If you are sincerely interested in the man for marriage, get your wali involved.

If you feel the way you do, there is no logical or Islamic reason for you to be putting off marriage.

I just thought that I'd point out that you say that you're not ready for the commitment of marriage but you want to commit zina. What if you were to get pregnant? Raising children is a commitment too.

Lowering the gaze, fasting, not eating certain foods, reading the Qur'an, all of these things should help. But, marriage is your best option.

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03-27-2016, 12:57 PM
Masturbation is like smoking, you can get away with it for a while..

But it's always been detrimental to your health.

And once you quit, you will realise the lingering smells and pervasive nature of it.. On all the things you encountered.

..dirty habit smoking, if you ask me id say I wish I'd never started.

..masturbation is a sin and a gateway drug.. Don't become a crack addict :|

..cool username.

Dr.strange love it ain't.

...they will find the cure one of these days...

Lucky it's not an agent smith joke.

03-27-2016, 01:31 PM
Either control over your ''feelings'' or go for marriage. I don't think any leeway for unlawful relationship. Do what is good for you. May Allah swt make it easy for you . Ameen

03-27-2016, 03:00 PM
Quran 41:40 " Do what you will: verily, He sees all that you do"

"Do what you wish as long as you are not ashamed" Bukhari

03-27-2016, 03:03 PM
Marriage will not necessarily distract you from those goals, as long as the husband is fine with not starting a family yet. It is entirely halal to get married now but still pursue your own objectives for a while.

Khalid Saifullah
03-27-2016, 04:41 PM
Wa alaikumus salaam

Firstly, these casual conversations are not allowed in Islam, secondly you need to get over your sexual addiction ... either by seriously marrying or by fasting to kill the desire. There are medications available to temporarily kill the desire too, but hand masturbation is not the solution. A hadith states that the one who indulges in this will appear on the last day with pregnant hands. In the world too, such people never make good sexual partners in bed in their marriage and this leads to many serious problems. Medically too, masturbation may offer short term release , but it has many long term harms.

03-27-2016, 06:16 PM
Here the problem is not masturbation. She fears of falling to adultery.

03-27-2016, 07:45 PM

Learn something new. Learn skateboarding, something fun, and intensive, something that requires your full attention. Something that will distract your desire to have sex.

Skateboard - it is difficult, and that is good, cuz it will distract you. Don't do something crazy tho, start by holding on to something, or do it on grass. Heard on youtube that it'll help you learn. Do dua to Allah.

And Allah knows best.

03-27-2016, 08:07 PM
Keep yourself busy, study hard, complete hifz

Ineed Umar
03-28-2016, 05:13 AM
I have an advice, I too suffer the problem of occasionally self touching, especially in the night or showers. I don't have any physical or message contact with any non Mahrum lady but still I suffer from it. My advice is if you do not live alone then try to spend as much time with family as possible it takes all satanic feels away. Before shower you should always do a special ghusl I learned from my parents. Recite 6 last surah of quran and go in bathroom using left foot. Afterwards just recite Allah in your mind and bad thoughts will evaporate like water on ground.

As for your other problem idk what to say as I have never experienced it nor will before marriage if Allah swt wills.

04-03-2016, 09:19 AM
Wouldn't this topic fit better into the sisters section?

A brother recommended following hudbah to a brother with a similar question. Watch it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFGoiBA9aQY

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