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farhan
04-14-2016, 07:45 PM
:sl:

It's very important we avoid negative people who drain our precious time and energy. The people we deal with on a regular basis will have great effect on our character etc. That's why in Islam we are encouraged to stay with righteous company.

The Prophet :saws: said,
The example of a good righteous companion and an evil one is that of a person carrying musk and another blowing a pair of bellows. The one who is carrying musk will either give you some perfume as a present, or (at least) you will buy some from him, or you will get a good smell from him; but the one who is blowing a pair of bellows will either burn your clothes or you will get a bad smell from him.
[Saheeh Al-Bukhaari, Hadeeth No. 442, Vol. 7]

Prophet Mohammad :saws: said:
"There are two blessings which many people lose: (They are) health and free time for doing good." (Bukhari 8/421)

Thread on the importance of Time: http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...tick-tock.html

How to Deal With People Who Drain You?
Read the article below :):

They're all around us: People who suck all the positive energy out of us to fuel their relentless hunger for negativity, leaving us drained, exhausted, and unhappy. Whatever you call them—energy vampires, energy suckers, or just unhappy, negative people—they can wreak havoc on your life if you don't have effective strategies to deal with them.

Energy vampires are often personality-disordered people who tend to be:


  • Intrusive, showing poor boundaries.
  • Overly dramatic, making mountains out of molehills.
  • Overly critical, finding fault with just about everyone and everything in their lives.
  • Chronic complainers, rarely finding anything to their liking or meeting their satisfaction.
  • Argumentative, having trouble agreeing with others, even on things that seem insignificant or inconsequential.
  • Relentlessly demanding and persistent, being unable to take no for an answer.
  • Constantly negative, always seeing the glass half empty.
  • Unable to accept responsibility, blaming everyone but themselves for their actions and problems.



There is no reason to allow their problems to become yours. Here are three steps to help you deal with people who drain you:

Know one when you see one.
The negative nature of energy vampires is not always readily apparent when you first meet them. At first, their quirkiness may intrigue you, their gossip and stories may leave you wanting to hear more, their dramatic flair may entertain you, or their hard luck stories may suck you in. Soon, however, you begin to realize something is wrong. Don't ignore those feelings. Pay close attention to your instincts and your physical reactions after your encounters. If you find yourself experiencing muscle tension, loss of energy, headaches, irritability, sadness, mental confusion, or negativity, you likely have an energy vampire in your life.

Limit your contact.
Once you've identified such people, limit the amount of time you spend with them. If you can't detach completely, as in the case of family members or coworkers, set firm limits. For example, for those who are intrusive or overly dramatic and end up consuming a lot of your time with their tales of woe or displays of theatrics, you should start off conversations with something like, "I only have a few minutes before I have to [fill in the blank]..." Once that time is up, politely disengage.

Don't get pulled in.
No matter how much you might like to think or hope you will be able to fix their problems, you won't. Chronically negative people will either resist your interventions or create new crises in their lives for you to "fix." The truth is that in cases of personality-disordered people even the best therapists have difficulty effectuating change. In short, their problems are beyond your ability to "fix." Your best strategy is to protect yourself by setting clear and firm limits. For example, for those who are very needy or insecure and constantly want your guidance, resist offering solutions. Instead, say something like, "I'm confident that you'll be able to find the right answer on your own," and excuse yourself. You don't have to be rude—you can be firm in a kind and empathic way.

Source
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M.I.A.
04-14-2016, 08:03 PM
Soldiers in attendance.. If you can't walk away from them.
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najimuddin
04-14-2016, 08:18 PM
As a faculty member at 2 community colleges, this guidance helps a lot.
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lonewolf007
04-14-2016, 09:08 PM
Thanks Farhan bro his thread is so for me, I'm constantly around ppl like this and it really annoys me and it's just so frustrating especially when you want to have some time and space to yourself to do your own thing etc.
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MuslimInshallah
04-14-2016, 09:20 PM
Originally Posted by M.I.A.
Soldiers in attendance.. If you can't walk away from them.

Assalaamu alaikum,

(smile) Perhaps the following is not what you meant MIA, but it is what came to my mind when I read your post. And I suddenly thought that it might help someone to hear it.

Mmm... if you can't get away from personality-disordered people, for instance if you have a personality-disordered parent (or two...), sibling, or even children... you can still deal with them more effectively if you seek help for yourself.

Especially if your parent has a personality disorder, you may well have grown up being used to being treated inappropriately. And you may well marry someone with a disorder. And unless you change, you may raise children with either the disorder or being used to putting up with the disordered behaviour... like you...

But if you sincerely seek help to change yourself, by asking Allah for this, and then by looking for a psychologist to help you, it is possible to change. And without completely cutting family ties, you can learn to distance yourself from their harmfulness. You can learn to put limits. Say "no". Not take on someone else's responsibilities... Just remaining in a harmful situation (and worse, perhaps raising your children in a harmful situation) is not wise. Some people may tell you that you should have "sabr" and pray and wait. Soldier on. But is this really Islamic? Or is struggling to become a more balanced and healthy person, and raising perhaps more balanced and healthy children, Islamic? Perhaps, if you are accustomed to just letting things slide to keep the peace, you need to restrain yourself from this unhealthy habit...?

(gently) And perhaps, if you learn to set healthy limits, this may even have a positive effect on the disordered family member (don't expect it... but it might help a little).


May Allah, the Source of Peace and Safety, Help us to understand how to exercise sabr (self-restraint).
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Sister101
04-14-2016, 09:25 PM
Excellent post @farhan, Masha Allah.

I feel that it is also necessary not just to avoid these people, but to not become one of these people ourselves Insha' Allah. Or, if we are, to recognize that we are and change Insha' Allah.
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noraina
04-14-2016, 09:38 PM
Excellent guidance, jazakAllah khayr.

I have some negative relatives who I feel demoralise me and seek to make me miserable - subhanAllah the effect their company has on me can dampen my entire day, Alhamdulillah we have limited contact with them anyway.
No company is better than draining friends - I have a small circle of only a few close friends apart from my closest family and I enjoy my 'alone' moments as well, just getting away from the stress of life.

When it comes to close relatives with personality disorders - I have personally seen the effects of living with someone who has narcissistic -personality disorder, it is devastating, particularly to any children involved. When there is a drowning person like that, it is not worth it risking drowning with them.
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M.I.A.
04-14-2016, 10:06 PM
Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah
Assalaamu alaikum,

(smile) Perhaps the following is not what you meant MIA, but it is what came to my mind when I read your post. And I suddenly thought that it might help someone to hear it.

Mmm... if you can't get away from personality-disordered people, for instance if you have a personality-disordered parent (or two...), sibling, or even children... you can still deal with them more effectively if you seek help for yourself.

Especially if your parent has a personality disorder, you may well have grown up being used to being treated inappropriately. And you may well marry someone with a disorder. And unless you change, you may raise children with either the disorder or being used to putting up with the disordered behaviour... like you...

But if you sincerely seek help to change yourself, by asking Allah for this, and then by looking for a psychologist to help you, it is possible to change. And without completely cutting family ties, you can learn to distance yourself from their harmfulness. You can learn to put limits. Say "no". Not take on someone else's responsibilities... Just remaining in a harmful situation (and worse, perhaps raising your children in a harmful situation) is not wise. Some people may tell you that you should have "sabr" and pray and wait. Soldier on. But is this really Islamic? Or is struggling to become a more balanced and healthy person, and raising perhaps more balanced and healthy children, Islamic? Perhaps, if you are accustomed to just letting things slide to keep the peace, you need to restrain yourself from this unhealthy habit...?

(gently) And perhaps, if you learn to set healthy limits, this may even have a positive effect on the disordered family member (don't expect it... but it might help a little).


May Allah, the Source of Peace and Safety, Help us to understand how to exercise sabr (self-restraint).
Yep I'm nuts. Fortunately I use my very best telephone voice every day..

The only way to survive in the world is to not turn up in the first place.. Or turn up for somebody else.
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