need some advice on marriage!

[studentsra]

AOA everyone,

I'm currently a female student in first year at university. I wanted some impartial advice on whats happening in my life at the moment..

2 years ago I met this guy online (not on a dating site) it was on twitter , I know I have committed a sin by doing this and I pray everyday that Allah forgives me. I had no intention to look for a guy or even think about getting married until after my studies and he also didn't have the intention, he was supposed to marry his cousin. However as we starting talking we started to get closer and we decided to meet when things started getting serious. We now meet every 3 to 4 weeks, we don't want to commit any sins if we start meeting more regularly. Ever since we started talking we just clicked, we wanted the same things in life and we had an understanding. We both always make sure that we don't commit any further sins and always keep the limit between us, we have realised that we need to get married in order to stop committing this sin.

He has been living in the uk for 5 years and his family is settled here he came on a student visa because his parents lived in Pakistan, however he lives with his brother and his sister in law who are settled. He finished university and now is running his own business. His family are from Islamabad so you can't tell that he is from Pakistan, he is quite modern and speaks fluent english with a sight accent that you can't tell that he was not born here, he's always been to private schools and private college's. however now his visa is running out and he needs to get married. He was supposed to marry his cousin who is from the UK she is studying medicine, but he said no as him and I have become very close and we want to get married. so his family said to him that they would like to meet my family.

My family are very conservative they have a lot of pride, and they are being even more strict with me due to my auntie and cousins eloping with their boyfriends. I stay at home and commute to university even though I had the choice to move out, however I didn't want to upset my parents as they are scared I will do the same thing and elope. I had no intention to elope and I wanted to do things properly, the islamic way. At first my dad said no, my whole family went mad about his visa and they are saying that he is just using me to get a red passport. he respects me and I know for a fact that he is not using me, he could have easily married his cousin and everything would have been sorted but he fought with his family too for me, and he waited for my family to agree. He respects me as he said that we cannot elope we have to do things properly, through your family. However my family just won't agree, it is just in their head that he is fraudulent and he is using me. At first they were not giving me a chance, they can't judge someone on their status, its about who the person is , he always has and does respect me so much, and he prays and is a good muslim. He has always been honest with me , he told me at the beginning about his passport issue he said he was supposed to marry his cousin, but he had no interest in the arranged marriage as she is not a humble person and not a good muslim.

Now my dad has agreed that we get our nikkah done in the summer he is meeting his mum and dad soon, they are just arranging it. but the rest of my family is being very bitter. They keep saying to me 'you will regret this' and he will use you. But if he wanted to he would have used me by now? if he was so bad he would made me run away. Even when it got so bad my mum and dad beat me, I used to say to him please just take me away from them, however he always said no we have to do this islamically through our elders. My dad has agreed but the rest of my family, my aunties and my mum and my grandma are being very bitter. I can't speak to my mum about this type of thing as we don't have that relationship I am not close to her, My dad has always spoke to me about marriage. My dad said that it is haram for me to be in contact with that man however I deeply love him and I cannot live without him. I tried and I prayed and I said to myself that this can't work but I always got signs that he was the one. My dad said it is haram at the moment what I am doing so he wants to get my nikkah done in the summer.

But everyone keeps saying to me you will regret this. you will suffer later on. But why will I suffer what mistake did I make? They want me to marry in the family but that is so backwards in this day and age. It just so happens that I met a good muslim man who respects me, that unfortunately has visa issues but doesn't mean that he's using me? surely I'd see myself if he was using me, I met his mum and his family and his friends and they seem just like my family, there is nothing dodgy about them. they just seem like a normal muslim family. He didn't need me for a passport he had his cousin to marry he could have married her why go through all this hassle with me and my family? I'm so upset, All I did was fall in love and choose the man i wanted to marry, but it happened by accident. does it mean that if you don't choose someone in your family and someone who you chose yourself rather than it being an arranged marriage my life will be doomed? everyone is like your making a really bad decision and you are doing really bad. how am I being bad if i was so bad I would have done haram things and I could of eloped like everyone else did in my family but I only ever wanted to do things islamically and and get our nikkah done with my dads approval. Now my whole family has got involved and they are using the passport issue against me making me feel depressed. I only ever made my parents happy I did the course at uni they wanted me to do, I went to the uni they wanted me to go to, but I only am choosing the person I want to be with he is a good muslim man. everyone is saying that I am too young, I am 21? I will get my nikkah done which will mean it won't be haram for us to be together and then after I complete my degree my dad said that I can have my rukhsati( the pakistani wedding reception).

I know I have written the longest post in the world but can someone advice me on my situation. what are your thoughts and comments? do you think what I am doing is very bad and I will be doomed for the rest of my life if i do go ahead with it? do you think that he is using me and my family is right? I never had any doubts but now everyone is saying things to me and its scaring me.I have exams coming up too and I can't even study with this on my mind. if I get my nikkah done I will be focused and I will know where i'm going in my life, and we won't be committing any sin. In Islam, do people marry for love? or is that haram? I feel so bad and depressed but what have I done that is so bad in Islam? I asked my family to meet his family so they can decide. Why is that so bad? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!! my mind is all over the place.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Since your dad is agreeing to go ahead with the nikkah, I think you should stop talking to the guy until that happens. Until then, because you have some doubts, you should pray istikhara and if you feel ok after doing so then go ahead with the nikkah. It's not haram to choose who you want to marry or to be "in love" with the guy you want to marry, but what is haram is to do unlawful acts such as touching, kissing, meeting alone, etc.

I personally would want to have my family be accepting of the guy and I'd take the advice of the people closest to me, but if you feel he's being unfairly judged, then the only thing you can do is to ignore the talks of the people and after your nikkah he can meet with the rest of your family so that they get to know him better. I also wouldn't suggest to consummate after nikkah (even though it's halal, but some guys will want to sleep with the girl and then dump her before the wedding). I don't know the guy so I can't judge him or his family, but use your family as a tool to get to know about the things you don't know about him and his family. Don't make the issue so stressful on yourself and on them, and put your emotions aside for now. Personally, if my sister or daughter was in such a situation, I would be really upset at the fact that she was going out with a guy like that and I'd want to know everything about him. It's only natural to feel overprotective.

[studentsra]

AOA,

Yes I guess I would feel over protective too if I was in that situation. I have prayed istikhara and then had various dreams that we were married and living together.

Thank you for your reply I will refrain from talking to him Inshallah. Thanks again ! x

[anatolian]

AOA,

Yes I guess I would feel over protective too if I was in that situation. I have prayed istikhara and then had various dreams that we were married and living together.

Thank you for your reply I will refrain from talking to him Inshallah. Thanks again ! x

Salam. If you refrain from talking to him how do you think you are going to marry?

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[Hamza :)]

Salam. If you refrain from talking to him how do you think you are going to marry?

Her dad is going to help her in that

[Hamza :)]

nvm...

[anatolian]

Her dad is going to help her in that

But it is she who is planning to marry him not her dad :)

[studentsra]

Thank you. By reading that you've assured me to just have faith in Allah and keep praying and inshallah things will work out the way God wills.