Seeking advice from sisters

[Jasonsk]

Salamo Alajkom

I'm asking this question primarily to the sisters.

I have something that is causing me a lot of pain - I really wont go in to the details right here as it would be a very long post.
I can discuss that only in PM

The core of the problem is that I used to be engaged to this Girl almost 3 years ago, even-though I loved her very much - she chose to break it of due to a fight / misunderstanding we had. I wrote here about 3 letters trying to clear up the misunderstanding and she ignored all of them. I remember when that caused so much pain in my heart. About a year and a half she called me back and said that she wanted us to get back together, I was happy to hear her say that and after seriously 3 weeks she just stopped talking to me and said that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. Broke my heart for the second time.

A few month ago she called me again saying that we should give it a shot yet again - This time we talked for 6 month before she broke it up again saying that she just does not feel it.

I know that the people reading this post will say that this girl must be crazy or something - The problem is that when talking to her she like the most sane person I have ever meet so I really don't understand what is going on with her.

My question right now is what do I do if she calls for the third time, should I even answer her call ???

This whole thing is giving me trust issue with people - And I'm starting to believe that people in general cannot be trusted.

Am also starting to believe that woman cannot really love - They may choose to love but they cannot really love.

Please sister clear this up for me - "Do woman really just like the bad-guy attitude"

[BilalKid]

"Do woman really just like the bad-guy attitude"

^o)

meaning??

[Umm Abed]

Wa alaikum salam brother,

Not all women are the same she seems emotionally unstable, I would suggest that you move on and try to forget life with her completely, hard as it may be.

Start anew with someone who would appreciate you for what you are. It is not impossible. And then the best thing would be to get married soon after you find the right person.

Wishing you all the best.

[ardianto]

Am also starting to believe that woman cannot really love - They may choose to love but they cannot really love.

Wa'alaikumsalam.

I am not sister. But I decide to contribute because I have enough much personal experience with women from various personalities.

The women who "chose to love but cannot really love" do indeed exist. They are type of women who want to be loved, but not willing to love. Want to be understood, but not willing to understand. If a woman like this feel that her partner could not love her in the way that she want, she easily think to leave her partner and seek someone new. But if she failed to get someone new, she would back to her ex-partner again because she think "It's better if I am with him, than being alone".

But it doesn't mean all women are like this. There are many women who can love their partner with sincere true love. In Sha Allah, in the future you will meet a woman like this.

My advice is, you should not continue your relationship with that woman again. I am sorry if I must say, she is not the right woman to be your wife. It's better if you now build your future. have a good job, then try to find the good woman, and marry her soon.

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[noraina]

Assalamu alaykum

I would suggest you now part ways brother, she seems to be emotionally insecure and manipulating your feelings for her. If you were to take this relationship further, what's not to say she will continue to do this when you are married?

And do not let this bad experience with one woman affect your entire life or cloud your opinions of others. There are many loving and honest sisters who would truly love and appreciate you for who you are. Think of this as a blessing from Allah SWT that you knew how she was before you were married, now you are in a position to leave with not too much to consider.

Don't give up hope. InshaAllah you will find a wonderful wife very soon. Keep on making duas.

[Jasonsk]

Thanks for the replies.

The thing is that I have tried to forget her meny times but NO success.

Also at this point I feel that I will never be able to love or trust any other girl.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Jason,


I agree with the other posters who are recommending that you not renew your relationship with this woman. But I would like to add, that I think it could be beneficial for you to seek counselling for yourself. Because you don't see anything wrong with her unless she dumps you. Because you feel a craving for her. And because, even if she dumped you forever, you risk attracting/being attracted to someone similar to her...

(mildly) I do realize that in society, there is a view that if you go to a therapist, that you must be somehow crazy or bad. This is even more true of the Muslim community, I think. But this is a not an appropriate way of looking at psychologists. Yes, there is something the matter, but it is not a terrible thing. And if you are seeking help, then you are actually more sensible than many. (smile) If you injured your foot, would it be sensible to keep on walking as if nothing was the matter, and avoid medical care? In the same way, if you are prone to abusive relationships, would it be sensible to keep looking for a wife, and avoid figuring out why you were prone to these?

So please, try finding a psychologist who has experience, and with whom you feel relaxed and comfortable. It might take a few tries before you find a good fit, but please give it a try. (gently) You could save yourself a lot of grief in the long run, and even more importantly... you could protect your future children.

Finally, I would recommend you look at a book by Yasmin Mogahed. It is called Reclaim Your Heart. It is not long, but it has many insights, and is grounded in Islamic thought.


May Allah, the Firm, the Watchful, Guide us to healthy relationships... that we may surrender to Him... and only Him.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Firstly, it's best not to speak with this girl because she's ghair mahram and you have feelings for her. Someone who is serious about you and has respect for herself would not be going back and forth with you like this.

The reason that you're still not over her is because of your ego. Since she broke off the relationship several times, your ego has been broken. You didn't get a chance to show her you're worth it so you will always feel like she's the best thing out there. I assure you, she is not.

Increase your ibaadah and your knowledge about the deen (specifically the character of muslim women), and you will fall in love with something called an idea. This idea is called "the best muslimah for me." When you are able to carry that in your head and believe in it, don't settle for less. Cut that girl out of your life and move on. You can be in control of this instead of her toying with your heart so freely and you allowing it.

[ardianto]

Thanks for the replies.

The thing is that I have tried to forget her meny times but NO success.

Also at this point I feel that I will never be able to love or trust any other girl.

Do not draw yourself from society. Always stay with other people and do activities together with them, like play football, hiking, or active in social project. Don't be trapped in the feeling to want to enjoy the time of being alone which you are travelling alone, go to a place alone and spend the time at there alone, because it will open the memories that you want to lock up in the box, and will make your pain getting worse.

Always be together with other people. Make yourself busy with them.

And throw away the thought that no woman will love you, because it will make you have prejudice toward women, and will make you not able to build good relationship with your wife in the future.

Remember, not all women are same.