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muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 12:46 AM
Asalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

In sha Allah everyone is in the best of health and emaan.

During my time of reverting to islam, so many things happend and it was an extremely hard time for me, i was disowned by my family, beaten up and kicked out and was homeless for a while moving around from place to place... my then at the time fiance (who helpd me to become muslim) passed away (among too many other things wich i still find hard to talk about) so my emaan was on the rocks for so long that i nearly left islam, i then met my now fiance who is bengali (he works, and practises alhamdulilah) he helped me find my emaan agen then i found my strength and love for islam and Allah all over agen.. we decided we both wanted to do our nikkah (im the only muslim in my entire family)... its been about a year since we decided to get married and his family wont accept and dont even want to meet me..his sister recently got married so that put us on the sidelines of him once again bringing it up, but whenever he does he and his mum just argue that she doesnt care if he gets married in a masjid but will not ever allow him to marry anything other than a bengali... i have tried speaking to his sisters but i just kinda get the cold shoulder type of vibe... and i honeslty dont know what to do if there is anything i can do
I know that he is a man and does not need his mums permission but neither of us would like to do a nikkah in secret as we feel its false and i do want his family to support both of us and ofcourse love me and get along with me

(honestly when i reverted i didnt think these types of things existed among muslims, well practising muslims at that, its just a horrible feeling to be made to feel like your dirt on somones shoe just because you dont have the same heritage as someone else)
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05-14-2016, 01:07 AM
:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)


I'm very deeply sorry to hear of your situation, sister, and I can understand your distress. Indeed, you've been through a lot, but also by the grace and power and mercy of Allah, you have been able to bear with all the tests in the way that you're still a Muslim today. Imaan (faith) is such a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic and awesome blessing, sister, and if you've been blessed with that even if you had had nothing else, you'd be fortunate indeed. Prophet :saws: (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Allah Most High gives worldly things to those whom He loves and those whom He does not love, but He gives religion only to those whom He loves, so he who is given religion by Allah has been loved by Him." So, say Alhamdhullilah wa shukrunlillah (thanks, credit, and praise and gratitude to Allah) that Allah loves you. Feeling good yet, sis?

Now, back to your situation, I'm sorry to hear of your recent trouble with his family, but please recognize there are cultural Muslims and then practicing Muslims. Cultural Muslims might still hold onto jahilliyah (ignorance) in traditions like marrying within a specific ethnicity despite the fact that Islam forbids racism and dislikes ethnocentricism.

Also, Prophet :saws: (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "We do not think there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage."

Dearest sister, you are precious. Remember that always. If someone doesn't treat you well or doesn't think well of you, be a self-confident person who then takes that person's bad treatment or ill opinions as a reflection of that person's own self and not a reflection on you. Remember you are lovable and God loves you.

Sister, this is the month of Shaaban, known as the month of Prophet :saws: (peace and blessings be upon him) and then comes Shahru Ramadan, which is known as the month of the ummah (believing nation) and during these months your sincere supplications to Allah will God-willing be answered quickly and without delay. So, make duas (supplications) that his family's hearts are opened to him marrying you and that they accept you into their family and give him and you their blessing. I'd also advise you to still give them the best treatment despite their less than welcoming behavior, as that way you'll in your own eyes and in the eyes of God be counted as the better person. Also, advise your fiance to make the same duas and also for him to continue to persuade them in the best manner. That said, in the meantime, dearest sister, please be patient with them and yourself and your fiance and place all your trust in Allah SubhanAllah wa Taala (SWT) (Glorious and Exalted is God) whom you've said you love. Love is not words, dearest sister, but proof is in the pudding - so, prove your love to Allah by placing all your trust in Him SWT.

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
Asalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

In sha Allah everyone is in the best of health and emaan.

During my time of reverting to islam, so many things happend and it was an extremely hard time for me, i was disowned by my family, beaten up and kicked out and was homeless for a while moving around from place to place... my then at the time fiance (who helpd me to become muslim) passed away (among too many other things wich i still find hard to talk about) so my emaan was on the rocks for so long that i nearly left islam, i then met my now fiance who is bengali (he works, and practises alhamdulilah) he helped me find my emaan agen then i found my strength and love for islam and Allah all over agen.. we decided we both wanted to do our nikkah (im the only muslim in my entire family)... its been about a year since we decided to get married and his family wont accept and dont even want to meet me..his sister recently got married so that put us on the sidelines of him once again bringing it up, but whenever he does he and his mum just argue that she doesnt care if he gets married in a masjid but will not ever allow him to marry anything other than a bengali... i have tried speaking to his sisters but i just kinda get the cold shoulder type of vibe... and i honeslty dont know what to do if there is anything i can do
I know that he is a man and does not need his mums permission but neither of us would like to do a nikkah in secret as we feel its false and i do want his family to support both of us and ofcourse love me and get along with me

(honestly when i reverted i didnt think these types of things existed among muslims, well practising muslims at that, its just a horrible feeling to be made to feel like your dirt on somones shoe just because you dont have the same heritage as someone else)
Reply

muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 01:42 AM
Alhamdulilah, through everything i still love islam and would never give that up.. i just have my terrible low emaan days wich im sure everyone has aswell..
I think when i reverted i was so excited and felt so brand new learning about islam and all these beautiful things so expected the people following it to be such beautiful people..
I learnt the hard way during my hardships to not be so trusting just because they are muslims doesnt mean they are upon the correct path or potray the character a muslim should have. (Iv honeslty come across sisters that potray themselves as "pious" but backbit and slanderd me and among other things) but alhamdulilah Allah showed me who was real and those who where fake

I know i should have sabr and no doubt trust Allah, its just sometimes i feel its just such a long time to wait and im wasting my time to a family that wont come around, but then i say to myself im marrying him and not his family (but iv been told when you marry an asian man you marry the whole family lol)(no offense intended)

(And coming from a mixed heritage background, sometimes even my own family use to act weird to me as i wasnt "fully one of them" i just didnt expect it to come from muslims..

People would say to me oh their cultural and to not pay attention, but in my head im thinking... No theyre muslims and they should act accordingly, how can they call themselves muslims whilst so openly going against what Allah and prophet mohammed s.a.w has said (its beyond me and my brain power lol)
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Bhabha
05-14-2016, 03:23 AM
السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

I am also a revert and I am also saddened about the cultural attachments amongst Muslims. A lot of reverts get married to other reverts because it seems easier to overcome these cultural issues. Unfortunately.
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muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 03:39 AM
Yea, iv seen it alot
Reverts stick to reverts and most reverts i kno that have married amongst those with "cultural" families end up getting divorced..
Nikkah is meant to be easy for us all... not hard, heartbreaking or difficult at all
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s.ali123
05-14-2016, 04:28 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
Alhamdulilah, through everything i still love islam and would never give that up.. i just have my terrible low emaan days wich im sure everyone has aswell..
I think when i reverted i was so excited and felt so brand new learning about islam and all these beautiful things so expected the people following it to be such beautiful people..
I learnt the hard way during my hardships to not be so trusting just because they are muslims doesnt mean they are upon the correct path or potray the character a muslim should have. (Iv honeslty come across sisters that potray themselves as "pious" but backbit and slanderd me and among other things) but alhamdulilah Allah showed me who was real and those who where fake

I know i should have sabr and no doubt trust Allah, its just sometimes i feel its just such a long time to wait and im wasting my time to a family that wont come around, but then i say to myself im marrying him and not his family (but iv been told when you marry an asian man you marry the whole family lol)(no offense intended)

(And coming from a mixed heritage background, sometimes even my own family use to act weird to me as i wasnt "fully one of them" i just didnt expect it to come from muslims..

People would say to me oh their cultural and to not pay attention, but in my head im thinking... No theyre muslims and they should act accordingly, how can they call themselves muslims whilst so openly going against what Allah and prophet mohammed s.a.w has said (its beyond me and my brain power lol)
Salam Alaikum sis! I am also from desi family so I can totally understand your situation. One of my german reverted muslims, very nice guy and practicing went to India with Tableeghi Jamaat. He was telling that at the dubai airport for transit he was so happy that first time he is in muslim country. But to his surprise they held him for 6 hours qa and he almost missed his flight. He told me that he used to say salam to the people and they did not even reply. He was little bit amazed at it. Lol. For us it has become a routine [emoji28]
So yes many muslims dont care much about it. They only bring islam when it is not much against culture, but when it is against culture, like wedding for example, they dont care what Islam says. And this attitude is same throughout Muslim societies not just desi.
Now as for your bf family, I don't think you can do much. I can tell you how much difficult it is to change the mentality of many cultural Muslims. In the end it is upon your fiancee to convince his family. But I would say that before marrying him, make sure that his parents get involved and that you clearly talk with him before marriage that you would not want to live in a combined big family(if you want that is your choice, but I will not recommend). Many things you have to discuss before hand otherwise it will create problems.
Also I don't want to judge him, but on one hand you are saying that he and his family are practicing on the other the guy is keeping a gf! Isn't it little weird ?
May be someone else can give a better advice I would just say to be careful.
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Bhabha
05-14-2016, 07:05 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
Yea, iv seen it alot
Reverts stick to reverts and most reverts i kno that have married amongst those with "cultural" families end up getting divorced..
Nikkah is meant to be easy for us all... not hard, heartbreaking or difficult at all
Yep.

I had a friend who married twice and divorced twice because she married into "cultural" families..... And she was a revert. Ended up marrying another revert and they are now expecting a baby. الحَمْد لله‎

It's quite ironic that most Muslims born go and say to you "Wow ما شاء الله‎ you are so lucky you became Muslim, what a blessing ....." But no one would ever want you as their sister or daughter in law :)

I am even pondering about marriage to a Christian or a Jew, if they would be willing to accept Islam and learn about it. It seems it would be less of a hassle than completing the deen with a Muslim. Or no marriage at all. Better to be alone than in bad company unfortunately. I sound horrible [emoji28][emoji39]
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s.ali123
05-14-2016, 07:18 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha
Yep.

I had a friend who married twice and divorced twice because she married into "cultural" families..... And she was a revert. Ended up marrying another revert and they are now expecting a baby. الحَمْد لله‎

It's quite ironic that most Muslims born go and say to you "Wow ما شاء الله‎ you are so lucky you became Muslim, what a blessing ....." But no one would ever want you as their sister or daughter in law :)

I am even pondering about marriage to a Christian or a Jew, if they would be willing to accept Islam and learn about it. It seems it would be less of a hassle than completing the deen with a Muslim. Or no marriage at all. Better to be alone than in bad company unfortunately. I sound horrible [emoji28][emoji39]
Even though it is true that many muslims do have the issues you mentioned. But I would say that in the end it depends on the person. That's why it is important to first discuss everything with your potential match. You need to know and ask all the questions first. It is not just for cultural or reverts but overall. Many times reverts I think are not able to understand the born muslims. They see that the person is praying and keeping fast etc, or they meet him in masjid so he is practicing Muslim, needless to say that there are still a category of muslims who limit Islam to salad, fast, beard, hajj etc and don't focus much on character traits.
Same case is also with some reverts when a practicing person marries a new revert, considering just because he came to Islam by her own so she will be serious about religion and will change everything in one day. You may read many stories where revert could not practice Islam and went back.
So in the end it has to do more with clearing up all the confusions and discussing these things before the marriage, for both revert and born Muslim. It is really difficult to find a good match, but they are there!
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BeTheChange
05-14-2016, 09:19 AM
Walaikumasalaam dear sis,

It sounds as though you have been through a lot of pain. May Allah swt elevate your status Ameen.

In the UK i think the situation is changing. More and more families & parents are more welcoming and accepting mixed race marriages Alhamdulilah.

I think the main reason why parents are so keen to marry their children off to the same race is because they want their children's life to be as easy as possible. For example if the man is from a Bangladeshi background and the sister is from a Chinese background. Both Muslims Alhamdulilah and they get married they will notice that there are HUGE cultural variations & sometimes they are subtle differences. The differences are there BUT these differences can be overcome through Islam because it UNITES us all under one umbrella Alhamdulilah.

I think most parents don't want to lose their cultural heritage but also they want the daughter-in-law/son-in-law to have the same mentality as them so it is easier to relate and when you have the same expectations things go according to the parents plan. Parents don't want to be challenged especially the older generation. People generally don't like change even though it is good for them. Some people can be very stubborn in their ways. May Allah swt help us all see the good Ameen. So don't think the problem is with you perhaps the problem is with THEM? With all due respect!!

For me personally if & when Allah swt blesses me with children i would love every race & encourage my children to marry from different races. I love all races Alhamdulilah. I find people very fascinating and it always makes you think of Allah swt beauty. Subhana Allah. Studies have also shown the more exposure you have to different races the more intelligent once can be! Brains, Beauty & Emaan what more do you need Subhana Allah.

Okay i think i am going a bit off topic now - back to your situation sister please speak to your finance if you haven't already and advise him your are very worried and concerned about his mum not accepting you and how he thinks this can be resolved. Ask him to speak to his mum because he is in a better position to win her around. Advise him to ask his mum what her concerns her and through conversation isha Allah he will be able to alleviate her concerns.

If after time you feel the situation is not getting any better give him an ultimatum and advise him if mum cannot & does not accept you then there is no other option (sadly) but for you to leave.

Insha Allah i shall type more if time allows. May Allah swt protect you from harm and keep you strong sis. Ameen.
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s.ali123
05-14-2016, 09:19 AM
Even though it is not directly related with your question, but it may benefit someone who looks at some outlook of some and consider him religious just based on how he looks, and becomes blind to what the guy or sister is actually asking you to do etc. Even if someone is doing dawah, it does not make him holy or religious, he is still a human and Muslim and susceptible to the attacks of shaitaan... I hope it may benefit someone :)

https://youtu.be/Dr3uMaZ1e1k
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MuslimInshallah
05-14-2016, 10:22 AM
Assalaamu alaikum Muslimah_B,


I just wanted to mention that when you marry a person, you do marry their family. Not only will you see the genetic heritage in your children, but your spouse carries the seeds of his family in his inner self. (smile) You may think your spouse is very different from his family, but you'd be surprised how people seem to morph into some or other older family member, over time. And this is a mixture of genetics and upbringing.

It is also important to set limits of acceptable behaviour. Just being nice and obliging with people is not enough. If they are treating you with disrespect, you need to protect your dignity (politely, with decency, but firmly). I don't think an ultimatum is a good idea. But I do think that you setting reasonable boundaries is. You have to decide how you want to be treated. And if people chose not to treat you with ordinary human politeness, respecting your innate dignity... then, hard as it is, you need to move on and find people who will treat you with decency.

Especially when looking for a spouse, it is important to look for a person (and family) that treats you with common kindness, respect and decency. If these are not present... then no other factors matter.

(gently) I do understand your pain and loneliness, Muslimah_B, and how much you need to have someone in your life. However, if you marry into a difficult situation, you could find yourself in so much more pain...and the loneliness of being isolated while married.


May God, the Compassionate, the Gentle, Enfold you in His Care.
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anatolian
05-14-2016, 10:34 AM
Racism exists within mulims as well unfortunately. Its not as violent as in the West but it becomes problem in multi-racial marriages as in your example. What you can do best is to tell his family that if they are believing muslims they should know that Quran allows him to marry a mulim woman no matter what her race. Make them read the related ayats in Quran. Maybe they even dont know that Quran says such a thing...:hmm:
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muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 10:44 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by s.ali123
Salam Alaikum sis! I am also from desi family so I can totally understand your situation. One of my german reverted muslims, very nice guy and practicing went to India with Tableeghi Jamaat. He was telling that at the dubai airport for transit he was so happy that first time he is in muslim country. But to his surprise they held him for 6 hours qa and he almost missed his flight. He told me that he used to say salam to the people and they did not even reply. He was little bit amazed at it. Lol. For us it has become a routine [emoji28]
So yes many muslims dont care much about it. They only bring islam when it is not much against culture, but when it is against culture, like wedding for example, they dont care what Islam says. And this attitude is same throughout Muslim societies not just desi.
Now as for your bf family, I don't think you can do much. I can tell you how much difficult it is to change the mentality of many cultural Muslims. In the end it is upon your fiancee to convince his family. But I would say that before marrying him, make sure that his parents get involved and that you clearly talk with him before marriage that you would not want to live in a combined big family(if you want that is your choice, but I will not recommend). Many things you have to discuss before hand otherwise it will create problems.
Also I don't want to judge him, but on one hand you are saying that he and his family are practicing on the other the guy is keeping a gf! Isn't it little weird ?
May be someone else can give a better advice I would just say to be careful.
I even get that over here sometimes, sisters screwing me or looking me up and down instead of salaming me back, i honestly dont know whats wrong with people lol
He does try talk to his family, but when he talks to his mum they argue as she will keep saying "only a bengali" etc.
Well when i say practising i mean the fard actions of being a muslim are met, some characteristics and traits are there... (just him not the rest of the family lol) ofcourse i understand that being a bf/gf type thing is haram but you have to understand that if there wasnt so much difficulty in getting the nikkah done... there wouldn't be such things as bf/gf people would just get their nikkah and not have to go through these things... some people actually like the thrill of doing "naughty things" like being gf/bf...
I dont like it nor does he, we are in a very bad predicament, and its just coming to a point where we will end up doing the nikkah whether they approve or not, but we oviously want his family there (as i hardly have any family that speaks to me)
I can understand that it may look weird on the outside looking in but i would say to everyone, not to judge me or him or anyone in this same position as i can guarantee that you are doing something displeasing to Allah also whether a bad habit or charecter flaw etc
No doubt indeed we all need/should fear Allah and never judge or look down upon someone for their sin, as there could be a reason for it, while they are repenting to Allah your judging them... (not saying you are...im just generally speaking as iv had this experience where iv been told im "haram" tbh it was worse than that but im not going to repeat it....not so friendly advice lol)
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muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 10:51 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha
Yep.

I had a friend who married twice and divorced twice because she married into "cultural" families..... And she was a revert. Ended up marrying another revert and they are now expecting a baby. الحَمْد لله‎

It's quite ironic that most Muslims born go and say to you "Wow ما شاء الله‎ you are so lucky you became Muslim, what a blessing ....." But no one would ever want you as their sister or daughter in law :)

I am even pondering about marriage to a Christian or a Jew, if they would be willing to accept Islam and learn about it. It seems it would be less of a hassle than completing the deen with a Muslim. Or no marriage at all. Better to be alone than in bad company unfortunately. I sound horrible [emoji28][emoji39]
Oh dear i mean the thinhs iv heard, its because of the mans family and not technically him, i mean i know we are meant to treat our mothers with the most highest of respect etc, but certain men need to seriously pull up their pants and defend their wives to their mums a few times, or atleast sit her down and have a talk and tell her the behaviour isnt acceptable towards his wife, i think alot of men dont want to get involved or seem like their taking sides... but somebody has to do it and it has to be the husband lol

Haha i wouldnt go as far as to jews or christians a bit too far out there for me lol... but honestly can we even class the Christians of today as proper practising their faith, im not too sure, but i could be wrong as most of the people i knew where christians by name not by faith..

If i was you id just find a revert, not so much drama lol
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s.ali123
05-14-2016, 11:04 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
I even get that over here sometimes, sisters screwing me or looking me up and down instead of salaming me back, i honestly dont know whats wrong with people lol
He does try talk to his family, but when he talks to his mum they argue as she will keep saying "only a bengali" etc.
Well when i say practising i mean the fard actions of being a muslim are met, some characteristics and traits are there... (just him not the rest of the family lol) ofcourse i understand that being a bf/gf type thing is haram but you have to understand that if there wasnt so much difficulty in getting the nikkah done... there wouldn't be such things as bf/gf people would just get their nikkah and not have to go through these things... some people actually like the thrill of doing "naughty things" like being gf/bf...
I dont like it nor does he, we are in a very bad predicament, and its just coming to a point where we will end up doing the nikkah whether they approve or not, but we oviously want his family there (as i hardly have any family that speaks to me)
I can understand that it may look weird on the outside looking in but i would say to everyone, not to judge me or him or anyone in this same position as i can guarantee that you are doing something displeasing to Allah also whether a bad habit or charecter flaw etc
No doubt indeed we all need/should fear Allah and never judge or look down upon someone for their sin, as there could be a reason for it, while they are repenting to Allah your judging them... (not saying you are...im just generally speaking as iv had this experience where iv been told im "haram" tbh it was worse than that but im not going to repeat it....not so friendly advice lol)
Sister I was just giving you a reality. I wanted you to be just be careful. Because I know my culture very well. And what you said that you took that he is practicing from his offering salah etc, and his does not even do that. This rings bell to me. And this is not judging as I am neither backbiting nor judging I am warning you for what I see among muslims. Believe me if you don't discuss the things upfront like whether woman can do job, what are the duties of husband, is woman the only one who should do household chores, how he wants his children to be, what are long terms goals, what he wants his children to be, what relation he wants you to have with his family after marriage etc etc, I am telling you these things will later on come in life. We south Asian people see roles of woman much different from west. And mostly the ideas we born Muslims have, who just know how to pray and little bit of religion (which unfortunatelt I am having feeling may be the case with your bf as you have not seen his real knowledge of Islam and his views, and his family does not even practice the basics strongly) then I myself would take a break and think much more deeply about it. The marriage is not a simple thing. It has much deeper impact of our worldly and afterlife, spouse is supposed to help in our deen, that's why he is said to be half of deen. He is supposed to help you in practice the religion even more. And will company you forever in after life.
But if he turns out to be something you did not expect him to be, the things will just ruin up. In the worst case think what would happen if after some years down the line you are having children, and he wants them to be more Bangladeshi or wants force you into something you don't want. And then you want to take divorce or something, what will happen to children!
I pray God that does not happen but a Muslim is supposed to be vigilant. A Muslim is not naive! We are ordered to take advices and make our best judgement based on the facts.
I would say to first discuss everything with him upfront, read Islamic material on what matters. See his deen and khuluq, learn from Islamic sources what is counted in deen and khuluq. Learn and discuss these with him.
Remember it is much better these days to remain to remain than to be in an abusive marriage.
I am not judging you or him, but I am giving you sincere advice because many reverts face much more difficulty in families and individuals who don't follow Islam, because then they follow culture, and south Asian culture is not something that you will like as a westerner.
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s.ali123
05-14-2016, 11:15 AM
About him practicing the religion, let me tell you an incident from the life of second caliph, Umer bin Khattaab R.A.
A man came to him asking for a position. He told him to bring someone who can satisfy your character and knows you. He went back and brought a person. Umer asked him do you know this person. The man said ,"yes". Umer then asked ," is he your neighbour". He said ,"No". He asked did you ever travelled with him. He said no. Umer asked have you ever did any trading with him. The man said No. He said how do you know him then. He said I saw him offering prayer. Umer said then go back you don't know him. Bring someone who knows you.


So I am just saying don't be fooled in thinking that the person is practicing, just because you have seen him practicing some obligations. These things are much more deep than this.
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muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 11:36 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by s.ali123
Sister I was just giving you a reality. I wanted you to be just be careful. Because I know my culture very well. And what you said that you took that he is practicing from his offering salah etc, and his does not even do that. This rings bell to me. And this is not judging as I am neither backbiting nor judging I am warning you for what I see among muslims. Believe me if you don't discuss the things upfront like whether woman can do job, what are the duties of husband, is woman the only one who should do household chores, how he wants his children to be, what are long terms goals, what he wants his children to be, what relation he wants you to have with his family after marriage etc etc, I am telling you these things will later on come in life. We south Asian people see roles of woman much different from west. And mostly the ideas we born Muslims have, who just know how to pray and little bit of religion (which unfortunatelt I am having feeling may be the case with your bf as you have not seen his real knowledge of Islam and his views, and his family does not even practice the basics strongly) then I myself would take a break and think much more deeply about it. The marriage is not a simple thing. It has much deeper impact of our worldly and afterlife, spouse is supposed to help in our deen, that's why he is said to be half of deen. He is supposed to help you in practice the religion even more. And will company you forever in after life.
But if he turns out to be something you did not expect him to be, the things will just ruin up. In the worst case think what would happen if after some years down the line you are having children, and he wants them to be more Bangladeshi or wants force you into something you don't want. And then you want to take divorce or something, what will happen to children!
I pray God that does not happen but a Muslim is supposed to be vigilant. A Muslim is not naive! We are ordered to take advices and make our best judgement based on the facts.
I would say to first discuss everything with him upfront, read Islamic material on what matters. See his deen and khuluq, learn from Islamic sources what is counted in deen and khuluq. Learn and discuss these with him.
Remember it is much better these days to remain to remain than to be in an abusive marriage.
I am not judging you or him, but I am giving you sincere advice because many reverts face much more difficulty in families and individuals who don't follow Islam, because then they follow culture, and south Asian culture is not something that you will like as a westerner.
I have spoken to him about everything you mentioned months ago... he is different from his family is what im trying to say... he offers his salah, charity, helps with dawah, fasts, always talks about islam etc etc
Im not a naive person I'm far from it and have had my fair share of mistakes and have subsequently learnt from them.
I am no fool and will not be taken by one, me and him have already discussed all of the matters that are important to us, deen wise and outside of deen... i wouldnt just agree to marry someone without the knowledge of them or how they are, i have absolutely 0% doubt in my mind that my rights would be upheld by him i dont have the problem with him at all in anyway, i just have a problem getting through to the family and needed advice to help in that respect, not in any other area

I know the difference between cultural and pratising, its just getting thru to someone who is more cultural that im finding hard as i wouldnt know where to begin or what to do... do i like cook a curry and bring it round... like things to help break the ice and warm their hearts to me
I could go in guns blazing throwing quotations from the Quran and hadeeths but i dont want to untill they have warmed to me
I just need ideas or help for the family only not him
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s.ali123
05-14-2016, 01:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
I have spoken to him about everything you mentioned months ago... he is different from his family is what im trying to say... he offers his salah, charity, helps with dawah, fasts, always talks about islam etc etc
Im not a naive person I'm far from it and have had my fair share of mistakes and have subsequently learnt from them.
I am no fool and will not be taken by one, me and him have already discussed all of the matters that are important to us, deen wise and outside of deen... i wouldnt just agree to marry someone without the knowledge of them or how they are, i have absolutely 0% doubt in my mind that my rights would be upheld by him i dont have the problem with him at all in anyway, i just have a problem getting through to the family and needed advice to help in that respect, not in any other area

I know the difference between cultural and pratising, its just getting thru to someone who is more cultural that im finding hard as i wouldnt know where to begin or what to do... do i like cook a curry and bring it round... like things to help break the ice and warm their hearts to me
I could go in guns blazing throwing quotations from the Quran and hadeeths but i dont want to untill they have warmed to me
I just need ideas or help for the family only not him
Aha nice to know you already did that. Then I would say that wait for some time. Let him take time to explain her mother everything. I think may be his family was not ready to hear this from him. Tell him to be nice to his mother. It is his job to win his mother heart. From my experience, the more he will serve and try to explain his position, the more her heart will melt. It will take some time, may be a month or two, but it will happen in shaa Allah. Ask him to be gentle in his behavior towards mom, if he already was, tell him to become more gentle. May be even cook food for her. This is the only way in my mind. Otherwise there is not benefit of trying to fight with them, and make them agree with your demand. If he wins their heart by becoming soft with them, they will respect you and him even more. I am not saying to give up yours or his right. Never. But rather to gentle in explaining his positions. In shaa Allah it will help alot :)
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muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 07:39 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by s.ali123
Aha nice to know you already did that. Then I would say that wait for some time. Let him take time to explain her mother everything. I think may be his family was not ready to hear this from him. Tell him to be nice to his mother. It is his job to win his mother heart. From my experience, the more he will serve and try to explain his position, the more her heart will melt. It will take some time, may be a month or two, but it will happen in shaa Allah. Ask him to be gentle in his behavior towards mom, if he already was, tell him to become more gentle. May be even cook food for her. This is the only way in my mind. Otherwise there is not benefit of trying to fight with them, and make them agree with your demand. If he wins their heart by becoming soft with them, they will respect you and him even more. I am not saying to give up yours or his right. Never. But rather to gentle in explaining his positions. In shaa Allah it will help alot :)
I am being very patient with them, im not demanding anything lol... what im asking for is in no way haram but a way to make things halal and complete half my deen and be his wife...if there was objection due to my character or on islamic grounds then i would accept that, and change if there was an error on my part, but the fact that there is no islamic basis on their argument is what annoys me... and accepting that behaviour will allow them to think its part of islam when it is not, that is what he is tryng to get through to them... i can obviously understand that sometimes people are brought up that way so assume it is part of the deen, but thats why its so important for all muslims to seek/gain knowledge and to understand where to draw the line of culture and islam
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s.ali123
05-14-2016, 07:57 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
I am being very patient with them, im not demanding anything lol... what im asking for is in no way haram but a way to make things halal and complete half my deen and be his wife...if there was objection due to my character or on islamic grounds then i would accept that, and change if there was an error on my part, but the fact that there is no islamic basis on their argument is what annoys me... and accepting that behaviour will allow them to think its part of islam when it is not, that is what he is tryng to get through to them... i can obviously understand that sometimes people are brought up that way so assume it is part of the deen, but thats why its so important for all muslims to seek/gain knowledge and to understand where to draw the line of culture and islam
Yeah I can understand how frustrating it would be for you. When a person feel that what the objection is for, you can not change it at all, and even otherwise it is not fare demand in the first place.

But you know usually it has to do more with how the person is brought up and their society. I am pretty sure that his family knows that what they are demanding is not correct according to Islam. Usually even non practicing families have idea that Islam is against racism. At least that much we learn from our parents etc. But still they stick with their own criterion. They don't look at Islam. Neither they deny that racism is wrong. They will say things like " it will not lead to happier life for his" or something like "it is not suitable thing to do". I doubt they don't know about the last sermon of the Prophet where he clearly spoke against racism. For most Muslim this much they know, just that it is not their preference. So to be honest, you personally cannot do much about it. In the end hearts are in the hand of Allah. He guides whoever he wills. You can pray that Allah open their heart and make them see how wrong they are with this demand. May Allah help you Ameen!
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muslimah_B
05-14-2016, 08:45 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by s.ali123
Yeah I can understand how frustrating it would be for you. When a person feel that what the objection is for, you can not change it at all, and even otherwise it is not fare demand in the first place.

But you know usually it has to do more with how the person is brought up and their society. I am pretty sure that his family knows that what they are demanding is not correct according to Islam. Usually even non practicing families have idea that Islam is against racism. At least that much we learn from our parents etc. But still they stick with their own criterion. They don't look at Islam. Neither they deny that racism is wrong. They will say things like " it will not lead to happier life for his" or something like "it is not suitable thing to do". I doubt they don't know about the last sermon of the Prophet where he clearly spoke against racism. For most Muslim this much they know, just that it is not their preference. So to be honest, you personally cannot do much about it. In the end hearts are in the hand of Allah. He guides whoever he wills. You can pray that Allah open their heart and make them see how wrong they are with this demand. May Allah help you Ameen!
Ameen
I know its all in Allahs power and mercy, it would just be nice to just get married without any hasle and get on with things lol
But Allahs plans are always better and ofcorse Allah knows best
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 12:41 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah
Assalaamu alaikum Muslimah_B,


I just wanted to mention that when you marry a person, you do marry their family. Not only will you see the genetic heritage in your children, but your spouse carries the seeds of his family in his inner self. (smile) You may think your spouse is very different from his family, but you'd be surprised how people seem to morph into some or other older family member, over time. And this is a mixture of genetics and upbringing.

It is also important to set limits of acceptable behaviour. Just being nice and obliging with people is not enough. If they are treating you with disrespect, you need to protect your dignity (politely, with decency, but firmly). I don't think an ultimatum is a good idea. But I do think that you setting reasonable boundaries is. You have to decide how you want to be treated. And if people chose not to treat you with ordinary human politeness, respecting your innate dignity... then, hard as it is, you need to move on and find people who will treat you with decency.

Especially when looking for a spouse, it is important to look for a person (and family) that treats you with common kindness, respect and decency. If these are not present... then no other factors matter.

(gently) I do understand your pain and loneliness, Muslimah_B, and how much you need to have someone in your life. However, if you marry into a difficult situation, you could find yourself in so much more pain...and the loneliness of being isolated while married.


May God, the Compassionate, the Gentle, Enfold you in His Care.
I fully understand what you mean..
I mean i wouldnt have anybody treat me in a undignified manner or any such way. I know how to handle myself out of those situations (not that i want to be in it in the 1st place, iv had my fair share of it, not pleasant at all)

I dont want to make it out like his family are horrible people (auhdu billahi minash shaytanir rajeem) its just breaking the ice and them realising that, the way their feeling is not islamic and very cultural and pridefull and its not good
I havent had a warm loving family upbringing tbh and it would just be nice for his family to just accept it and we be a big happy family and my children are brought up in a loving household (like im not asking for too much am i ?)
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 12:46 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anatolian
Racism exists within mulims as well unfortunately. Its not as violent as in the West but it becomes problem in multi-racial marriages as in your example. What you can do best is to tell his family that if they are believing muslims they should know that Quran allows him to marry a mulim woman no matter what her race. Make them read the related ayats in Quran. Maybe they even dont know that Quran says such a thing...:hmm:
I would love to tell them that but i havent been invited round to meet them yet, im still waiting for the opportunity, but i know id just probally cry infront of his mum and plead with her and hopefully she cries aswell, and we have a crying party and her heart just warms that way lol (yea i know very far fetched, but what women wouldnt warm/heart melt to another women crying and pleading her case)

Tbh i think the way they was brought up or how they was taught is why they think that way, they may not know any better, which is what im hoping in sha Allah and then its easier to explain with Quran and hadeeths as evidences
If they already know and just choose to ignore it for cultural purposes then im definitely going to use my crying tactic lol
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 12:57 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by BeTheChange
Walaikumasalaam dear sis,

It sounds as though you have been through a lot of pain. May Allah swt elevate your status Ameen.

In the UK i think the situation is changing. More and more families & parents are more welcoming and accepting mixed race marriages Alhamdulilah.

I think the main reason why parents are so keen to marry their children off to the same race is because they want their children's life to be as easy as possible. For example if the man is from a Bangladeshi background and the sister is from a Chinese background. Both Muslims Alhamdulilah and they get married they will notice that there are HUGE cultural variations & sometimes they are subtle differences. The differences are there BUT these differences can be overcome through Islam because it UNITES us all under one umbrella Alhamdulilah.

I think most parents don't want to lose their cultural heritage but also they want the daughter-in-law/son-in-law to have the same mentality as them so it is easier to relate and when you have the same expectations things go according to the parents plan. Parents don't want to be challenged especially the older generation. People generally don't like change even though it is good for them. Some people can be very stubborn in their ways. May Allah swt help us all see the good Ameen. So don't think the problem is with you perhaps the problem is with THEM? With all due respect!!

For me personally if & when Allah swt blesses me with children i would love every race & encourage my children to marry from different races. I love all races Alhamdulilah. I find people very fascinating and it always makes you think of Allah swt beauty. Subhana Allah. Studies have also shown the more exposure you have to different races the more intelligent once can be! Brains, Beauty & Emaan what more do you need Subhana Allah.

Okay i think i am going a bit off topic now - back to your situation sister please speak to your finance if you haven't already and advise him your are very worried and concerned about his mum not accepting you and how he thinks this can be resolved. Ask him to speak to his mum because he is in a better position to win her around. Advise him to ask his mum what her concerns her and through conversation isha Allah he will be able to alleviate her concerns.

If after time you feel the situation is not getting any better give him an ultimatum and advise him if mum cannot & does not accept you then there is no other option (sadly) but for you to leave.

Insha Allah i shall type more if time allows. May Allah swt protect you from harm and keep you strong sis. Ameen.
Ameen, may the same be for you also..Ameen

The problem is whenever they try to have a conversation they argue, we are both very frustrated as we have been trying to get married for a while and would just like his mum to come around, as if yet i still dont know what her objections are, if we knew then we could work something out, and work a way around it or compromise, i am trying my best to be very patient but some days my patience just flies out the window, as I would just like my nikkah done, and for everything to be halal
I dont have any muslims in my family and my parents dont really give a poo, so im dealing with this on my own and it is very stressfull at times

And we are at the point of just making a date for the nikkah, and just telling her to be there if she wants, BUT we dont want to do that we BOTH want his family to be supportive and just accept his mind is made up and i will do my wifely duties and look after him
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ConcealedGem
05-15-2016, 12:59 PM
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته sis

im Bengali.. If you have any qs do ask. Some families will be willing to accept, others not so much.
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 01:05 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by ConcealedGem
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته sis

im Bengali.. If you have any qs do ask. Some families will be willing to accept, others not so much.
Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Whaaaat doooo i doooooo ?
How do i win around someone who isnt at the stage of wanting to meet me ?
If i actually get the chance to meet her, do i bring anything like food cake or anything ?
I mean i dont mind if she doenst like me at first and is a bit iffy, i just want to hear the words "ok you can marry him/her" as soon as i hear that we are going to the masjid that very moment (in seperate cars ofcourse lol)
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ConcealedGem
05-15-2016, 01:18 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Whaaaat doooo i doooooo ?
How do i win around someone who isnt at the stage of wanting to meet me ?
If i actually get the chance to meet her, do i bring anything like food cake or anything ?
I mean i dont mind if she doenst like me at first and is a bit iffy, i just want to hear the words "ok you can marry him/her" as soon as i hear that we are going to the masjid that very moment (in seperate cars ofcourse lol)
Why don't you meet one of his female relatives? And they can persuade his mum?

yes bring her Indian sweeeets, you'll find them around. Or bring jalebis.

its really hard to persuade Bengali parents, we don't really have that much interacial marriages in my family. :o

marriage isn't that easy with Bengalis, families need to be united from both parties, not sure of revert cases.

but I see quite a few revert sisters married to South Asians in the masjid. It really depends on the person and the family.

The men have it easier imo. He just needs to stand up to what's right if he really wants to marry you and tell his parents from the heart.
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 01:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by ConcealedGem
Why don't you meet one of his female relatives? And they can persuade his mum?

yes bring her Indian sweeeets, you'll find them around. Or bring jalebis.

its really hard to persuade Bengali parents, we don't really have that much interacial marriages in my family. :o

marriage isn't that easy with Bengalis, families need to be united from both parties, not sure of revert cases.

but I see quite a few revert sisters married to South Asians in the masjid. It really depends on the person and the family.

The men have it easier imo. He just needs to stand up to what's right if he really wants to marry you and tell his parents from the heart.
He has been but shes a lil bit stubborn and just wants him to marry a bengali and doesn't care if its not one of those big pointless ones (so much money is spent on the wedding), then the arguing starts, im just waiting for him to ware her down so she will just say "ok fine il meet her" lol which is seriously easier said than done, my patience is at its limit tbh

I mean if my children (if i have any) told me they wanted to marry someone and theyre muslim and fear Allah etc then id allow them to get married that same day and not pro-long the nikkah

Parents are making nikkah sooo hard for their children, that it pushes them into these bf/gf relationships instead of just getting nikkah done which most would rather have nikkah done than be in the haram situation
Some people fear abandonment from their familes, and even being harmed.. and these sorts of things need to be tackled in order for it to stop, or it will just carry on down generations
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ConcealedGem
05-15-2016, 01:35 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
He has been but shes a lil bit stubborn and just wants him to marry a bengali and doesn't care if its not one of those big pointless ones (so much money is spent on the wedding), then the arguing starts, im just waiting for him to ware her down so she will just say "ok fine il meet her" lol which is seriously easier said than done, my patience is at its limit tbh

I mean if my children (if i have any) told me they wanted to marry someone and theyre muslim and fear Allah etc then id allow them to get married that same day and not pro-long the nikkah

Parents are making nikkah sooo hard for their children, that it pushes them into these bf/gf relationships instead of just getting nikkah done which most would rather have nikkah done than be in the haram situation
Some people fear abandonment from their familes, and even being harmed.. and these sorts of things need to be tackled in order for it to stop, or it will just carry on down generations
Bengali parents are very influential and yep they're stubborn, just warning you. There's so much tradition attached to our culture and it's all about preserving it, it's not right lol. They put culture before Islam. In Sha Allah I pray he makes things easy for you and grants you what is best.

:)

keeeeep it halal. Make dua. Tawakkkul.
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 01:39 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by ConcealedGem
Bengali parents are very influential and yep they're stubborn, just warning you. There's so much tradition attached to our culture and it's all about preserving it, it's not right lol. They put culture before Islam. In Sha Allah I pray he makes things easy for you and grants you what is best.

:)

keeeeep it halal. Make dua. Tawakkkul.
In sha Allah
Thank you for your kind words and advice [emoji172]
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ConcealedGem
05-15-2016, 01:40 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
In sha Allah
Thank you for your kind words and advice [emoji172]

Youre most welcome, here if you ever need to speak. :)
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'Abd-al Latif
05-15-2016, 01:54 PM
:salamext:

There's so much I can say on this topic but my advice is to be patient and to constantly ask Allah for help. Unfortunately there's not much you can do and as painful as this is for me to say: you'll have to decide between you and the brother whether you want to spend the next few years trying to fit in with closed minded people. Their stubbornness has nothing to do with you as a person, your background or anything else for that matter. The older generation of Muslims have their own ideal vision for their children that unfortunately isn't founded on Islam. If you marry the brother and you can be patient with him and with your in-laws then inshaa'Allah jannah will be yours as per the hadith of the Prophet (saw). If it doesn't work out then ask Allah to make things easy for you and to bless you with a righteous husband.

May Allah ease your affairs, give you strength to bear your hardships with patience, and may Allah give you a righteous husband.

Be patient and do not give up your Islam. Allah is with those who have patience.
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noraina
05-15-2016, 02:09 PM
Assalamu alaykum

Make dua sis, and just trust in Allah swt. I am sure you are trying hard as you can, and it really does depend on the family now and their willingness to accept. This isn't just in Bengali families, but within the Afghani community to marry someone of a different ethnicity is unthinkable, to even suggest it would probably be the end of you.

This has no foundation in Islam whatsoever, it is just so unfortunate tribalism is a very common occurrence in many Muslim communities, even the more open-minded families would hesitate twice before allowing their children to marry outside the race.

If you could speak to maybe his sister or cousins, and they could talk on your behalf to his parents? It can be so hard to persuade parents to agree to this subhanAllah. I've had no experience of this so can't really give you much advice, and the guy would know his family better than you, but just discuss it with him and think if you are willing to get married into a family which, even if they do agree, may not 100% consider or accept you as their own.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this, this has no place in our merciful deen...but these mentalities are pretty deeply-embedded in certain cultures.

Whatever decision you make, may Allah swt guide you to what is best for you, reward you immensely for your patience, and give you a righteous husband. Ameen.
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 02:13 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
:salamext:

There's so much I can say on this topic but my advice is to be patient and to constantly ask Allah for help. Unfortunately there's not much you can do and as painful as this is for me to say: you'll have to decide between you and the brother whether you want to spend the next few years trying to fit in with closed minded people. Their stubbornness has nothing to do with you as a person, your background or anything else for that matter. The older generation of Muslims have their own ideal vision for their children that unfortunately isn't founded on Islam. If you marry the brother and you can be patient with him and with your in-laws then inshaa'Allah jannah will be yours as per the hadith of the Prophet (saw). If it doesn't work out then ask Allah to make things easy for you and to bless you with a righteous husband.

May Allah ease your affairs, give you strength to bear your hardships with patience, and may Allah give you a righteous husband.

Be patient and do not give up your Islam. Allah is with those who have patience.
Ameen

Its not just this issue, i have other problems im having to deal with such as with my own family, housing issues, not having little to none support among other things, and dealing with it all at once can be extremely overwhelming sometimes, and that can sometimes make things seem worse than what they are
Iv had to deal with difficult people all my life, its nothing new to me, its not ideal or nice but i cant force people to change.
Iv been through a heck of a lot since i reverted and it doesnt stop, id never give up my islam but somedays it gets too much and just find it hard to cope not with just this, but everything else
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 02:27 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by noraina
Assalamu alaykum

Make dua sis, and just trust in Allah swt. I am sure you are trying hard as you can, and it really does depend on the family now and their willingness to accept. This isn't just in Bengali families, but within the Afghani community to marry someone of a different ethnicity is unthinkable, to even suggest it would probably be the end of you.

This has no foundation in Islam whatsoever, it is just so unfortunate tribalism is a very common occurrence in many Muslim communities, even the more open-minded families would hesitate twice before allowing their children to marry outside the race.

If you could speak to maybe his sister or cousins, and they could talk on your behalf to his parents? It can be so hard to persuade parents to agree to this subhanAllah. I've had no experience of this so can't really give you much advice, and the guy would know his family better than you, but just discuss it with him and think if you are willing to get married into a family which, even if they do agree, may not 100% consider or accept you as their own.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this, this has no place in our merciful deen...but these mentalities are pretty deeply-embedded in certain cultures.

Whatever decision you make, may Allah swt guide you to what is best for you, reward you immensely for your patience, and give you a righteous husband. Ameen.
Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Ameen

I have tried to speak to his sisters, but it was very arkward as in kind of cold shoulder type experience and me feeling like im trying to hard (when im just being friendly as a sister in islam) and we just stopped communicating, as the only effort was on my part and i felt a bit upset by it... he doesnt speak to any female cousins, so im not sure how i would be able to get into contact with them.

Some family members married outside but it was into another asian country not a whole different race (it was still hard for them even with that)

I honestly didnt know that nikkah could be made this difficult lol
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noraina
05-15-2016, 02:27 PM
Sis, it must be so difficult for you, and I admire your commitment to Islam despite facing so many hardships on the way.

Allah swt is truly with those who are patient, He gives His servants trials when He wants something good for them, within them there is always some benefit. And always remember no matter how huge your problems may seem, Allah swt has given you the ability to overcome them, so stay firm.

May Allah swt give you strength and patience and keep you in the best of health and iman. With duas, x.
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noraina
05-15-2016, 02:30 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
I honestly didnt know that nikkah could be made this difficult lol
It shouldn't be this way, sis, but the sad thing is that when there is a conflict between Islam and culture, people will give precedence to culture - they like to stick to 'traditions'

For myself, I knew if I decided to get married to someone, say Indian or something, I probably wouldn't be allowed to, and they are not *that* ethnically different even
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 02:39 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by noraina
Sis, it must be so difficult for you, and I admire your commitment to Islam despite facing so many hardships on the way.

Allah swt is truly with those who are patient, He gives His servants trials when He wants something good for them, within them there is always some benefit. And always remember no matter how huge your problems may seem, Allah swt has given you the ability to overcome them, so stay firm.

May Allah swt give you strength and patience and keep you in the best of health and iman. With duas, x.
Ameen...may the same be for you too..ameen

I honestly don't know how I do it, i have my bad days and some ok days,
Sometimes its just hardly having anyone to "unload" onto without being judged or backbitten, which is such a rare thing these days subhanAllah
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 02:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by noraina
It shouldn't be this way, sis, but the sad thing is that when there is a conflict between Islam and culture, people will give precedence to culture - they like to stick to 'traditions'

For myself, I knew if I decided to get married to someone, say Indian or something, I probably wouldn't be allowed to, and they are not *that* ethnically different even
I understand but if you know what theyre doing is wrong wouldnt you want to challenge their thinking so they dont die in that state thinking these things are acceptable, i mean if you just give in isnt that in essence saying that what their doing is right and ok ?
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noraina
05-15-2016, 03:07 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B
I understand but if you know what theyre doing is wrong wouldnt you want to challenge their thinking so they dont die in that state thinking these things are acceptable, i mean if you just give in isnt that in essence saying that what their doing is right and ok ?
I wouldn't say immediately give in, however with parents there is only so much you can say or do. I am not in such a problem myself, however I would assume that considering how seriously certain communities take this issue, to stand up to them and try to change this really built-in mentality, would take a lot of persuading and arguments, and as their child they are automatically in a position of authority over you.

However, I think the stance on this issue is changing. Many younger Muslims, in their teens or twenties or thirties, are more accepting of inter-racial marriages, so inshaAllah I believe the next generation of young Muslims will face anything like this to a lesser extent.

And just to add, perhaps for parents who don't approve, there is an underlying fear. It shouldn't be there, but they genuinely fear losing their child to another culture and set of traditions completely foreign to their own, they were brought up back home - whereas we were brought up accustomed to different cultures living together. In all fairness, as people we tend to stick to what we know and be wary of what we don't.
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 03:17 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by noraina
I wouldn't say immediately give in, however with parents there is only so much you can say or do. I am not in such a problem myself, however I would assume that considering how seriously certain communities take this issue, to stand up to them and try to change this really built-in mentality, would take a lot of persuading and arguments, and as their child they are automatically in a position of authority over you.

However, I think the stance on this issue is changing. Many younger Muslims, in their teens or twenties or thirties, are more accepting of inter-racial marriages, so inshaAllah I believe the next generation of young Muslims will face anything like this to a lesser extent.

And just to add, perhaps for parents who don't approve, there is an underlying fear. It shouldn't be there, but they genuinely fear losing their child to another culture and set of traditions completely foreign to their own, they were brought up back home - whereas we were brought up accustomed to different cultures living together. In all fairness, as people we tend to stick to what we know and be wary of what we don't.
I do understand that i just feel that as its such a very common issue, which shouldnt even exist among muslims, it should seriously be challenged especially by those family members who know better and can potentially explain it in a better way, even their mother tongue language if thats what they will understand better.. but i know that if its not challenged they will carry on thinking its acceptable, and some of thier "fears" stem from pridefull traits which we all know can lead anybody into jahanumm, which none of us want for anyone.

I spose i never went thru it that much as my family are mixed up (my mum is spanish, my dad is jamaican cuban and irish) although i did experience some bad vibes off certain family members as im very light and the jamaican side are dark or rasta, and some where a bit funny about me and my mum

I just honestly dont find that behaviour acceptable at all wether muslim or non muslims, but especially muslims as they SHOULD know better
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noraina
05-15-2016, 04:14 PM
True, these ideas of tribalism stem come from the age of jahilliyah, and I am so saddened when I hear things like this...as an ummah we are enlightened by the Qur'an and the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh), and so when we choose to give priority to cultural practises like this, which Islam thoroughly condemns, it is wrong...

And it is unacceptable, but especially among the older generations they can be very stubborn with these kinda deep-set ideas - sometimes they just don't want to listen, especially to their kids, but inshaAllah I think a positive change is happening, as people realise racial differences have no place in Islam.

I am so sorry you're having to go through this sis, you'll be in my duas. x
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muslimah_B
05-15-2016, 04:31 PM
In sha Allah these practices are wiped out through the new generations of muslims and through inter-racial marriages and parents accepting their childrens choices of spouses providing they ofcorse meet an islamic standard

I know all about stubborn families lol but its just putting your foot down and making them understand, this is wrong and i will not partake or go along with this especially as it is against our deen
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