Everything you need to know about Marriage

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I decided to make a series about marriage. It's going to be basically everything that I wish I was told way before marriage, and everything I've learned along the way. I hope it proves to be helpful to you guys. I put a lot of thought into making it a tool/resource for EVERYONE regardless of whether you want to or do not want to get married, in the process of getting married, or a newlywed. If anyone who is already married wants to add something insightful PLEASE feel free to do so!


PART 1: BEFORE IT BEGINS

I. The Thought of Marriage

As SOON as you start thinking about marriage is when you need to start preparing for it. I'm not talking about “when you find the ONE” but rather that time when you start thinking “I wonder who I will get married to..” or “when I have a husband/wife someday..”etc. It's before anything actually happens except that the thought of marriage pops up in your head and you know it's something you plan on doing someday Inshallah.

II. The Intention

When you are ready to get married, the task proves to be more difficult than you think. If you're a female you have to wait for a proposal from a guy you will actually like, and if you're a guy you have to work up the courage to ask for a proposal and be prepared for rejection, or it might even be much more complicated than that (we will discuss more about this later) but as soon as you start thinking of marriage, even if you're not even sure if you want to get married or not, you need to start making du'a.

I could say that making a du'a is self-explanatory, and it kind of is, but you have to build your tawakkul (reliance) in Allah and this happens through du'a. When you make du'a, you don't only make du'a that Allah sends you someone who is worthy of your affection and who is the best from among of whom Allah and the angels love, but also you should ask Allah that He increases YOU in piety and makes YOU worthy of marriage, and to make you strong in character and patience. So don't put all of your focus on who you want to marry because honestly who you end up with or do not end up with is not going to be based on who the other person is, but based on who YOU are. What kind of woman will an ill-mannered man want? What kind of man will a non-religious girl want? The type of spouses we end up with is based on how we are at the time of marriage, so we have to strive to correct our character and be amongst the best so that we are awake when choosing someone for marriage, and not blindly falling into it to serve our desires. You owe it to yourself, your future spouse, and your children to have taqwa and lead your family in the path of righteousness. I PROMISE you, if you do not take heed of this, things will go badly faster than you can imagine.

III. The Preparation

a. Your Family

For some of you, it's going to be really embarrassing or difficult to speak to your family about marriage at the time that you find yourself a spouse or when you decide to start searching, so this is something you will need to do gradually. There are a variety of reasons why your parents may not want you getting married, but you have to start discussing marriage long before it actually gets serious. If you have never shown interest in marriage and all of a sudden you want to get married, your maturity is what will first come into question. So start getting your family prepared with the idea that you are open to getting married or searching for a spouse so that they can also keep their eyes open for you and advise you on the way there. To cut your family out from that opportunity can be devastating to them because they want to be part of the process as well. Not only that, but you have to understand that you are their child, so the time they want to spend with you as their child is diminished as soon as you announce that you have found a spouse. Be courteous of that, give them the time to transition from seeing you as their child to an adult who will soon be out of their house.

b. Save your money

Especially for brothers, you have to start saving any money that comes your way ASAP and even find a job if you can. If you can't get a job, then find ways to volunteer with an organization because this will help you get a job and meet new people which will lead to new opportunities. Having something saved on the side does two things: 1) it puts your mind into focus and serves as a reminder that this is one of the most important factors in determining how quickly you're able to get married, so you will work for it and remember not to play around; 2) It's a stress reliever to know that you can at least pay for the mahr or whatever financial obligations you'll have as a new husband.

c. Character & Manners

As mentioned earlier, you should be fixated on how you appear to Allah both in public and in private. Mind how you treat the elderly and your siblings. Mind how you greet the people around you. Are you a source of positivity to others or do people hate being around you? Are you too shy to go out of your way to do something nice for someone, or are you someone who has no filter and hurts people with words? Learn about islamic etiquette and good manners. No one wants to be married to a baby who still can't identify themselves, so build a positive reputation with Allah and people will fall in love with you, and know yourself at your weakest points so you can improve your character.

Of course no matter who is around you, the most important people in your life right now are your parents. There is NO ONE who has a status higher than theirs in this world. You have to treat them with the utmost respect and care and mend any ill-feelings towards them because they are a source of happiness that you can't get from anyone else. I would have never wanted to marry a someone who did not treat his parents kindly, even if they were not kind people because that would be a reflection on his character. I also would not want to be with someone who would encourage me to treat my parents badly under any circumstances. I think this resonates with many of you—no one wants to be with someone who does not treat their parents with respect, because that's a sign of a deeper issue and immaturity and it definitely means that a person is not ready for marriage.

IV. The hormones will kill you—be prepared.

No matter how religious you are, no matter how much you know about the difference between haram/halal, you're going to find yourself somehow in lust, infatuation, or even what you may think is love, and often it happens way before you are actually prepared to get married (16-20 years old). Do not trick yourself into thinking that just because you let your feelings be known towards someone that you are now engaged. Do not convince yourself that you have good intentions while talking to the opposite gender. Shaytan is the third, shaytan is the third, shaytan is the third. Protect yourself from that heartache and from the feeling that you have to now rush yourself in order to protect your chasteness. The time of your YOUTH is the time when you have your health and a sharp mind, please don't let it go to waste with an idea of love that you are not even prepared for. Use this time to do things with your life so that when you get married you can benefit and things are easier. Study, volunteer, be proactive in the community, be active in giving dawah, find opportunities for yourself beyond the opposite gender, speak with your parents on a regular basis. I can't pretend to be ignorant to the fact that women and men mix and intermingle in private and public, but be sensible and obey Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. I'm not saying its easy, but you don't have to make it difficult. Use your strengths as a teen to help your future adult self and your family, don't waste that precious time fantasizing because it will affect your mood and your relationships. For example, instead of wanting to do something productive you want to sit there and text/chat/whatever and waste your time away with your “love”, and if anyone says something you get all moody and think no one understand you. You're a teen, everyone understands, but don't be a stupid one. In a few years when you actually want to be with someone, everyone is going to remember this part of your life to assess whether you are actually prepared for marriage or whether your still just a kid trying to fulfill his lowest desires with marriage.


V.The Hypotheticals

Remember I talked about tawakkul earlier? Prepare for marriage as I've said and put all of your reliance in Allah that you will get the spouse you deserve and who is best for you in this world and hereafter inshallah. Do not sit there thinking about the worst case scenarios because those are thoughts of Shaytaan sprouting doubt in your heart. When Allah loves His creation He makes the process of marriage so easy and once you enter it, the love you have to your spouse is incomparable to anything you ever thought love was because it's a gift from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, it's a reward, a blessing. So put aside your hypotheticals and your fantasies, and remember that Allah inshallah will grant you something better than you have imagined as long as you do it right.


This marks the end of part 1..inshallah part 2 will discuss the potential spouse. Feel free to ask questions about anything that you want clarified inshallah.

When I have more time inshallah I'll make this more aesthetically pleasing.

[noraina]

This is really valuable advice, especially regarding how important self-control and organising priorities is in your youth, I am in my late teens myself but you see many people regretting what they did at that age or paying for their heedlessness years later.

JazakAllah khayr for putting the time and effort into writing this, looking forward to part 2 inshaAllah, :)

[strivingobserver98]

:wa:

Wow :ma: your on a role. Lovely post.

For those embarking this long journey... the struggles, the waiting will all soon shall be worth it :ia:. Know that your obeying Allah :swt: and fulfilling this great Sunnah.

Be happy your saved from the wasting time of boyfriend/girlfriend nonsense alhamdulilah.

[*charisma*]

This is really valuable advice, especially regarding how important self-control and organising priorities is in your youth, I am in my late teens myself but you see many people regretting what they did at that age or paying for their heedlessness years later.

JazakAllah khayr for putting the time and effort into writing this, looking forward to part 2 inshaAllah, :)

Yes exactly. Well you can see it even on the forum. People want to get married, but have never really worked toward it and don't have that close relationship with their parents to help them figure it out. It becomes a cycle of torture for them lol. It doesn't get serious until it's too late..

Jazakum allahu khair for the positive comments.