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ardianto
05-23-2016, 03:35 PM
:sl:

Sometime I found a member here doesn't behave well. In case like this usually then I write post to remind this member. But sometime happen, I felt I need to remind a member, but before I write a post, this member gave me "like", and it made me hesitate to remind this member.

I am not a person who love to be praised. Even praise often make me uncomfortable. Maybe I am hesitate because I see "like" as form of "thanks", and say thanks is a form of kindness?. Then I feel hesitate to criticize someone who has done a kindness?.

Or maybe because basically I am too kind, like what people around me always say?. Frankly, I often criticized by people around me with, "You are too kind, Ardianto. And it make people often misusing your kindness!".
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muslimah_B
05-23-2016, 03:45 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
:sl:

Sometime I found a member here doesn't behave well. In case like this usually then I write post to remind this member. But sometime happen, I felt I need to remind a member, but before I write a post, this member gave me "like", and it made me hesitate to remind this member.

I am not a person who love to be praised. Even praise often make me uncomfortable. Maybe I am hesitate because I see "like" as form of "thanks", and say thanks is a form of kindness?. Then I feel hesitate to criticize someone who has done a kindness?.

Or maybe because basically I am too kind, like what people around me always say?. Frankly, I often criticized by people around me with, "You are too kind, Ardianto. And it make people often misusing your kindness!".
I think if the reminder is important which other people are doing also ir following this person then maybe adress the issue, so everyone can see.

But if it is a minor issue that only this person is doing and no-one is following this behaviour than maybe a "private message" would be more appropriate to explain to the person, to not embarrass them infront of everybody, making them more receptive of what you want to say, and in sha Allah there wont be any defensiveness to the issue you have.

Its perfectly fine to be nice, it is good to have a beautiful kind caring character but that shouldnt make us naive or take away our ability to speak out against wrongdoings or give advice in the best of manner
So basically you shouldnt be too kind or afraid of hurting someones feelings if they are doing wrong (maybe they dont realise or see what they are doing or how they come across)
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ardianto
05-23-2016, 04:35 PM
Originally Posted by muslimah_B
I think if the reminder is important which other people are doing also ir following this person then maybe adress the issue, so everyone can see.

But if it is a minor issue that only this person is doing and no-one is following this behaviour than maybe a "private message" would be more appropriate to explain to the person, to not embarrass them infront of everybody, making them more receptive of what you want to say, and in sha Allah there wont be any defensiveness to the issue you have.

Its perfectly fine to be nice, it is good to have a beautiful kind caring character but that shouldnt make us naive or take away our ability to speak out against wrongdoings or give advice in the best of manner
So basically you shouldnt be too kind or afraid of hurting someones feelings if they are doing wrong (maybe they dont realise or see what they are doing or how they come across)
Jazakillah khayr, for your response.

In this case there's no difference between remind someone openly or through PM. I am afraid he/she would be offended if I remind after he/she tried to be kind to me. To be honest, one of my biggest fear is being hated by someone or some people. This is what often make me hesitate to remind someone. But I realize, this is not good because it can make me let someone doing something wrong.
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noraina
05-23-2016, 04:44 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Jazakillah khayr, for your response.

In this case there's no difference between remind someone openly or through PM. I am afraid he/she would be offended if I remind after he/she tried to be kind to me. To be honest, one of my biggest fear is being hated by someone or some people. This is what often make me hesitate to remind someone. But I realize, this is not good because it can make me let someone doing something wrong.
Brother ardianto, I think it is really valuable when someone who is older, or who has more experience, gives their advice to someone who may be doing something wrong or erring unintentionally. Even if they gave you a like, it means they appreciated your words, and no doubt they would appreciate your gentle advice as well. You are very polite and kind, ma'sha'Allah, so I know you would never give advice harshly or as a way to make someone feel bad, and it may be that person genuinely does not know what they are doing wrong.

Also, the person receiving advice must also have certain etiquettes, just as the person who provides it. So long as it is given privately, and in the most gentle, understanding way possible, they should receive it graciously and with humility. In the unlikely case they started to 'hate you', then the fault would be with them, not you.

I at this moment in life have much to learn, and if someone advised me, in private, and with valid reasons in a gentle manner, I would certainly take it into consideration and if I saw it as right, then act upon it inshaAllah. :)
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muslimah_B
05-23-2016, 04:51 PM
barakAllahu feek

ok put it this way, if you was doing something wrong, would you prefer to be reminded in the best of ways about what your doing, or would you rather the person ignores your actions and lets you believe you are doing right as they fear being hated by you?

you would want be told right ? we all would but its how you approach and address the issue which makes or break the person taking in the advice and reflecting or turning away and being defensive

maybe in your position it would be best to privately dress this person, to not embarrass them infront of everyone or cause them to be defensive as they may feel you are criticising them, not advising them.

give this a listen in sha Allah
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BDJVdFWryg
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s.ali123
05-23-2016, 05:27 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
:sl:

Sometime I found a member here doesn't behave well. In case like this usually then I write post to remind this member. But sometime happen, I felt I need to remind a member, but before I write a post, this member gave me "like", and it made me hesitate to remind this member.

I am not a person who love to be praised. Even praise often make me uncomfortable. Maybe I am hesitate because I see "like" as form of "thanks", and say thanks is a form of kindness?. Then I feel hesitate to criticize someone who has done a kindness?.

Or maybe because basically I am too kind, like what people around me always say?. Frankly, I often criticized by people around me with, "You are too kind, Ardianto. And it make people often misusing your kindness!".
Brother I think the solution to this may be found in the hadith in which Imam Hussain and Hassan saw an old person doing wudu wrong. And instead of directly telling him, one bro set next to him and intentionally did wrong, and the other brother corrected him :) I don't know how we can apply this to forums, but in real life and even on forums, I have seen many people acting weirdly and acting clearly in a way which may backfire and the just leave the forum totally. Recently there was a sister in another forum of Reddit. Where she was thanking that the people did not judge her even with her bad past etc. That moment I was about to suggest her IB, but I felt I should not. Because she was already improving there and people are giving good advises without judging, and I thought may be on IB she may just reject the advise due to attitude of some members. So it is always better to be kind like you, than to be arrogant and ignoring people feelings.
In the end it is true that we are following Islam with rules, but we should never forget that we are dealing with human beings, with real background and history of their own; even otherwise human beings are very complex creatures, and we should recognize this thing before giving advise to someone :)
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Arfa
05-23-2016, 07:40 PM
I think kindness is a trait you should keep@brother adrianto.If someone tries to step out of the line then you can use your wisdom gems and even give a stern warning to such People.It's good to be ignore and follow Hadith.One should be too busy in loving people they love they have no time for hate of such ones.
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ardianto
05-23-2016, 10:30 PM
I will be thankful if someone remind me about my mistake. But not everyone is same like me. And actually I never hesitate to remind someone if he make mistake in salah or doing something with wrong method. I am sure he would always appreciate my reminder. But the background of this case is different.

I saw a member behave offensively toward another member, and it made me feel I need to remind this member. However, when I would write a post to remind, this member gave me "like", and suddenly I felt hesitate to remind this member, but also felt guilty because I let another member being offended by this member.

One thing that I have learned from my life experience is, someone would be offended if I remind him to not offensive toward other people. I knew it, and I was ready to face if this member being offended by me. But the "like" that this member gave change my mind.

Yes, I see "like" as a kind of appreciation. And I always have a feeling that if someone appreciate me, I must appreciate him too. And one kind of my appreciation is not to make him offended. This is what made me feel I should not remind that member. I felt I should not make this member offended.

Probably this member actually would not feel offended if I tried to remind. But I have traumatic experiences. Few times I tried to remind few people to not offensive toward other people, but they always offended by my reminder, and then being offensive toward me, although actually I tried to remind them in good manner.
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muslimah_B
05-23-2016, 11:18 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
I will be thankful if someone remind me about my mistake. But not everyone is same like me. And actually I never hesitate to remind someone if he make mistake in salah or doing something with wrong method. I am sure he would always appreciate my reminder. But the background of this case is different.

I saw a member behave offensively toward another member, and it made me feel I need to remind this member. However, when I would write a post to remind, this member gave me "like", and suddenly I felt hesitate to remind this member, but also felt guilty because I let another member being offended by this member.

One thing that I have learned from my life experience is, someone would be offended if I remind him to not offensive toward other people. I knew it, and I was ready to face if this member being offended by me. But the "like" that this member gave change my mind.

Yes, I see "like" as a kind of appreciation. And I always have a feeling that if someone appreciate me, I must appreciate him too. And one kind of my appreciation is not to make him offended. This is what made me feel I should not remind that member. I felt I should not make this member offended.

Probably this member actually would not feel offended if I tried to remind. But I have traumatic experiences. Few times I tried to remind few people to not offensive toward other people, but they always offended by my reminder, and then being offensive toward me, although actually I tried to remind them in good manner.
There will always be people who take advice good and take it badly, thats down to their ego

Sometimes its better to be hated for the right reasons, than be liked for the wrong reasons.

If a wrong has been done, speak out against it privately first to prevent embarrassment, if they continue and you see people following this person, then adress it publicly as it is now an open sin and people are following it

Leaving it and not saying anything could make things worse anf this person continues to think their behaviour is acceptable

Dont worry about people not liking you or hating you, if when you give that person advice in the most kindest of way and they still insult you, then they are not the type of person you would want to have as a companion

When giving advice we should give it as we would like to receive it.
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Arfa
05-24-2016, 10:58 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
I will be thankful if someone remind me about my mistake. But not everyone is same like me. And actually I never hesitate to remind someone if he make mistake in salah or doing something with wrong method. I am sure he would always appreciate my reminder. But the background of this case is different.

I saw a member behave offensively toward another member, and it made me feel I need to remind this member. However, when I would write a post to remind, this member gave me "like", and suddenly I felt hesitate to remind this member, but also felt guilty because I let another member being offended by this member.

One thing that I have learned from my life experience is, someone would be offended if I remind him to not offensive toward other people. I knew it, and I was ready to face if this member being offended by me. But the "like" that this member gave change my mind.

Yes, I see "like" as a kind of appreciation. And I always have a feeling that if someone appreciate me, I must appreciate him too. And one kind of my appreciation is not to make him offended. This is what made me feel I should not remind that member. I felt I should not make this member offended.

Probably this member actually would not feel offended if I tried to remind. But I have traumatic experiences. Few times I tried to remind few people to not offensive toward other people, but they always offended by my reminder, and then being offensive toward me, although actually I tried to remind them in good manner.
;DThe joke is on such people who first try to offend you and then befriend you brother.JazakAllah for your consideration in pointing follies of such crude behaviour.
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Umm Abed
05-24-2016, 11:34 AM
:wa:

I know how you feel @ardianto , but no I dont mind at all.

So at any time you feel to correct or discuss something Im always willing, so its all fine:)
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