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dazedsky
05-25-2016, 09:36 AM
Asalaamu alaikum,
I came here for advice about a predicament I found myself in.

My husband is too-friendly with several non-mahram females, and he refuses to sever ties or limit his contact with them.

He has a female cousin (non-mahram) who he privately chats to regularly. I warned him about the fitna caused by this. She sends him pictures of her in extremely tight fitting clothes, while wearing a hijab. Anyone can clearly see the shape of her body. She laughs at his jokes. She gossips about me to him. She has never tried to befriend me.

I gave him advice about this, as giving advice is wajib for Muslims. I asked him to reduce his contact with non-mahram females, to which he replied "I will have 50 non-mahram friends and you can't do anything about it". I know he is not obliged to accept my advice, but his response was so arrogant.

I am sorry for waffling. Any advice would be appreciated.
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dazedsky
05-25-2016, 09:37 AM
I forgot to add, every time I bring this subject up, he says I'm a bully and an insecure, jealous woman. This isn't about jealousy.. there's nothing to be jealous of. He shouldn't talk to them. Am I wrong?
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Cpt.America
05-25-2016, 09:47 AM
You are completely in the right sister.
I am sorry you are going through this,
but please never doubt that you are on the truth in this matter.

Your husband has no right to befriend any nonmahram women, let alone 50.
He has a right to be polite with them, and professional in business or work, but anything more than that is excessive.
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'Abd-al Latif
05-25-2016, 09:58 AM
:salamext:

Unless you're hurling branded frying pans with boiling oil each time he speaks to these women or you're putting things in his way so he can stub his little toe, you're not a bully. Having protective jealousy over your spouse is a praiseworthy characteristic as it shows your care and love for your husband. You should continue to advise your husband to avoid these idle conversations with non-mahram women as Allah has given you to him as a 'cover' from the fitna of women. Show him ayaat and ahadeeth to fear Allah as this will show that your concerns are not only personal but a command from Allah. If he doesn't listen to you then speak to the older members of your family and to people whom he will listen to. Raise your concerns with a sense of urgency but in a non-hostile and non-threatening way as he will be more receptive to the advice. If it doesn't cause further problems, try to talk to his cousin and give her the ayaat and ahadeeth to fear Allah so inshaa'Allah she can also pay heed to the naseehah.

Have patience and be persistent. Inshaa'Allah Allah will bring khayr and barakah in your marriage through your efforts as long as you remain sincere to Him. As difficult as this time will be for you, don't react negatively or become paranoid as this will go against. Make du'aa first and foremost as this is 'trusting Allah' and continue to end this problem by doing everything you can as this is 'tying the camel'. May Allah make this easy for you.
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*charisma*
05-25-2016, 10:04 AM
Assalamu alaikum,

If shes sending him pictures, backbiting you, and estranging you and your husband is allowing it then he is belittling your status as his wife. By him putting the blame on you for not trusting him is only keeping him from feeling guilty. He doesnt even care that he is hurting you. If he does not change, dump him. This is unnacceptable and hes not worth it. If he were interested in a 2nd wife then at least he can go about it the right way, but hes just being foolish. May allah guide your family.
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'Abd-al Latif
05-25-2016, 10:10 AM
Originally Posted by *charisma*
dump him.
Erm. What??? It is far perferable in the eyes of Allah for a married couple to be reconciled than to encourage divorce, especially when a problem can be nipped in the bud. Don't advise people to divorce. Ever.
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Cpt.America
05-25-2016, 10:15 AM
Originally Posted by *charisma*
Assalamu alaikum,

If shes sending him pictures, backbiting you, and estranging you and your husband is allowing it then he is belittling your status as his wife. By him putting the blame on you for not trusting him is only keeping him from feeling guilty. He doesnt even care that he is hurting you. If he does not change, dump him. This is unnacceptable and hes not worth it. If he were interested in a 2nd wife then at least he can go about it the right way, but hes just being foolish. May allah guide your family.

They should try to correct her husband first before reaching that extreme. Sometimes it is unavoidable and necessary, however I wouldn't pull out that advice just yet.
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s.ali123
05-25-2016, 10:16 AM
Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
:salamext:

Unless you're hurling branded frying pans with boiling oil each time he speaks to these women or you're putting things in his way so he can stub his little toe, you're not a bully. Having protective jealousy over your spouse is a praiseworthy characteristic as it shows your care and love for your husband. You should continue to advise your husband to avoid these idle conversations with non-mahram women as Allah has given you to him as a 'cover' from the fitna of women. Show him ayaat and ahadeeth to fear Allah as this will show that your concerns are not only personal but a command from Allah. If he doesn't listen to you then speak to the older members of your family and to people whom he will listen to. Raise your concerns with a sense of urgency but in a non-hostile and non-threatening way as he will be more receptive to the advice. If it doesn't cause further problems, try to talk to his cousin and give her the ayaat and ahadeeth to fear Allah so inshaa'Allah she can also pay heed to the naseehah.

Have patience and be persistent. Inshaa'Allah Allah will bring khayr and barakah in your marriage through your efforts as long as you remain sincere to Him. As difficult as this time will be for you, don't react negatively or become paranoid as this will go against. Make du'aa first and foremost as this is 'trusting Allah' and continue to end this problem by doing everything you can as this is 'tying the camel'. May Allah make this easy for you.
I agree with him, showing concerns for other women is not negative thing. Even otherwise what you are asking him to do is to follow the teaching. Talking excessive with non-mahram is definitely not right thing to do, which offcourse will bother wife. Even the wive's of the Prophet S.A.W. used to be concerned about the Prophet S.A.W. and other wives, even though they were his wives and were Halal for him. The Prophet S.A.W. never took it as negative. Like in one of the Hadith, Ayesha R.A. threw the bowl came from the house of other wife. On which the Prophet did not tell her that you did this or that etc, rather he collected the pieces of the bowl and the food, and sent another bowl from Ayesha to the other wife.
So if the wives of the Prophet had concern for something Halal (and Prophet S.A.W. always took it as a part of being woman), then definitely you will have concern for something which is not even allowed in the first place.
I don't exactly know what you should do in this regard, but one thing is sure, ask and advise in the best way possible. Usually someone involved in something forbidden, makes excuses for himself to make it somehow allowed for him. Read Islamic material in this regard, and try to educate your husband and his cousin about it, that what they are doing is not right thing to do, and may lead into something even more serious.
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Cpt.America
05-25-2016, 10:16 AM
Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
Erm. What??? It is far perferable in the eyes of Allah for a married couple to be reconciled than to encourage divorce, especially when a problem can be nipped in the bud. Don't advise people to divorce. Ever.
I agree with you. However if there is zinaa there should always be divorce in my opinion. And abuse is also very fair grounds for divorce.
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'Abd-al Latif
05-25-2016, 10:18 AM
Originally Posted by Cpt.America
I agree with you. However if there is zinaa there should always be divorce in my opinion. And abuse is also very fair grounds for divorce.
Divorce can be discussed when there is a need for it. There is no need for it right now.
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s.ali123
05-25-2016, 10:21 AM
Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
Divorce can be discussed when there is a need for it. There is no need for it right now.
I agree with him as well. I also feel that the things can be improved at this stage, if there is no physical things involved with non mahrams etc.
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*charisma*
05-25-2016, 10:36 AM
I agree, but I said if he does not change, then to divorce him. I dont know their entire situation and i wouldnt ever want to condone divorce but its not fair on her if shes been advising him and is faithful to him to continuously get rejected. Theres no purpose in being married to someone that makes you feel like youre worthless. To tell her that hed talk to 50 women while shes there as his wife not getting the attention she needs to feel fulfilled is insulting. So yea if after trying to work things out n he still does not change then dump him. Better to be single or be with someone that values your company than with someone who does not. She still loves him so there will still be some effort on her part to try to fix things inshallah, but it also has to be a two way street and hes going to want to improve himself in order for change to happen.
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Cpt.America
05-25-2016, 10:39 AM
Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
Divorce can be discussed when there is a need for it. There is no need for it right now.
Agreed.

We should provide OP with some evidences and lectures explaining the limit of nonmahram interactions and what is permissible and impermissible so that she may present the evidence to her husband.
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s.ali123
05-25-2016, 10:39 AM
Originally Posted by *charisma*
I agree, but I said if he does not change, then to divorce him. I dont know their entire situation and i wouldnt ever want to condone divorce but its not fair on her if shes been advising him and is faithful to him to continuously get rejected. Theres no purpose in being married to someone that makes you feel like youre worthless. To tell her that hed talk to 50 women while shes there as his wife not getting the attention she needs to feel fulfilled is insulting. So yea if after trying to work things out n he still does not change then dump him. Better to be single or be with someone that values your company than with someone who does not. She still loves him so there will still be some effort on her part to try to fix things inshallah, but it also has to be a two way street and hes going to want to improve himself in order for change to happen.
I agree with her on this. If exhausting yourself with options, if he does not improve, then better to leave than to be constantly pushed to the wall. But this should be after you have tried the options mentioned above.
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*charisma*
05-25-2016, 10:41 AM
Yea i agree, may allah guide their marriage to success inshallah.
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Cpt.America
05-25-2016, 10:43 AM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0n3jn3FUbus

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3hZSeAH522Y

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bkBRWS8kQnM

Hope these may be of some benefit sister
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najimuddin
05-25-2016, 06:48 PM
:salam: @dazedsky

Please reflect on and practice the following hadith and 2-minute video and pray that we all can do the same.

Ibn 'Abbas (:ra:) said:

The Messenger of Allah (:saws:) said, "If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not."

Source: Abu Dawud

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