How do I make my wife listen to me

[Jakob]

assalaam alaikum

I've been having issues with my abusive short tempered wife for a some time now and a while ago we thought we had worked things out and she explained why she is violent towards me and I accepted her reasons, forgave her and it seemed to be an end to the matter. Then just recently we had a massive argument because I did not have the food ready on time and but it was because I had to take an important phone call so I had to start the cooking an hour late. When she got home from her friends she exploded into rage simply because of this...

I tried to explain that I had to take a phone call and apologised for the dinner being late but she wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways. Telling me I am a lousy husband and useless because I can't even prepare a meal on time. I lost my temper because she literally would not let me speak and then we started to argue even more about other things like cleaning even though I am always the one who cleans and she does barely anything. Even if I ask her nicely she'll complain about how I make the mess therefore I should clean it up even though it's not me who is making the damn mess.

I am hanging on by a thread and I just don't know how to get through to her. I don't even have a voice in my own home and I really thought we had figured it out but she is just way too controlling and I feel like a child who cannot even answer back. Is it even possible for people like her to change or will she always be like this? I want to spend the rest of my life with her but she is impossible to handle, I honestly feel like a her ***** boy and it makes me feel so weak I hate it.

[anatolian]

My dear brother. I and some other people told you each thread you created that she needs a professional help but I think you didnt care it. I remember even in the last thread in which you said that she understood her problem I told you the same thing that she needs a warning and professional help. As long as you go on to forgive her you will be divorced after a while. Believe me. If you dont want to divorce her dont forgive her anymore and force her to go a therapist.

[Serinity]

Wa alaikum salam,

Does she pray? Perhaps you guys should focus more on deen......

[BeTheChange]

Walaikumasalaam dear brother,

I think when couples argue over what seems like 'petty' issues there is always an underlying reason.

The ONLY way this can be resolved is through open communication. You must sit down with your wife and advise her what makes you upset and how you feel. I am not sure if you have already done this but ask her to take you seriously and to really listen to what you have to say otherwise things just get out of hand and may escalate into something major.

We all have our strengths & weaknesses and we must find a coping mechanism that allows us to manage the situation. Sometimes that means looking at ourselves and adapting ourselves to the situation.

If you feel a letter will have more of an impact on her then please write her a letter. That way she will read every word and take it all in - she'll probably read it again and maybe once more and she will understand where you are coming from.

Also if you have time please have a read of some fantastic e-books which may help you on your journey Ameen - https://www.kalamullah.com/family.html

Marriage comes with challenges as well as good times so please be patient and make dua to Allah swt to help you manage the situation better Ameen.

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[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Maybe you should not sleep with her until she gets the message? In the Quran it states: As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” [al-Nisa’ 4:34].

Admonition without “forsaking” them (refusing to share their beds) or hitting them. So the woman is reminded of her duty to be a good companion and treat her husband properly. If gentle admonition and kindly reminders do not work, then the discipline is taken to the second stage:

“Forsaking”, by turning his back on her in bed or sleeping in a separate bed. But he should not go to extremes in this by keeping away for more than four months, which is the period set by Allaah for the one that swears not to approach his wife. This “forsaking” should only be for the purposes of disciplining and correcting, not for taking revenge or punishing.

Hitting in a manner that is not painful, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “beat them (lightly, if it is useful),”. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “Forsake her in her bed, and if she mends her ways (this is good), but if not, then Allaah has given permission for you to hit her in a way that is not painful.” The husband must be careful to ensure that his hitting is for the purpose of discipline and warning, and not for any other purpose, so he must make sure that he hits as lightly as possible, by prodding with the fist and so on. ‘Ata’ said: “I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas: “What is the hitting that is not painful?” He said, “The siwaak (tooth-stick) and so on.” (i.e., hitting with the siwaak). Source

It's unfortunate to see that she's still acting this way. Maybe it's just a reflex/bad habit and she needs another reminder. You can't expect her to change right away, so perhaps speak to her again, and if she's still upset and is reluctant to change, then stop sharing your bed with her until she gets the message. May Allah give you patience and ease your affairs ameen.

[Jakob]

Assalamu Alaikum

Maybe you should not sleep with her until she gets the message? In the Quran it states: As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” [al-Nisa’ 4:34].

Admonition without “forsaking” them (refusing to share their beds) or hitting them. So the woman is reminded of her duty to be a good companion and treat her husband properly. If gentle admonition and kindly reminders do not work, then the discipline is taken to the second stage:

“Forsaking”, by turning his back on her in bed or sleeping in a separate bed. But he should not go to extremes in this by keeping away for more than four months, which is the period set by Allaah for the one that swears not to approach his wife. This “forsaking” should only be for the purposes of disciplining and correcting, not for taking revenge or punishing.

Hitting in a manner that is not painful, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “beat them (lightly, if it is useful),”. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “Forsake her in her bed, and if she mends her ways (this is good), but if not, then Allaah has given permission for you to hit her in a way that is not painful.” The husband must be careful to ensure that his hitting is for the purpose of discipline and warning, and not for any other purpose, so he must make sure that he hits as lightly as possible, by prodding with the fist and so on. ‘Ata’ said: “I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas: “What is the hitting that is not painful?” He said, “The siwaak (tooth-stick) and so on.” (i.e., hitting with the siwaak).

It's unfortunate to see that she's still acting this way. Maybe it's just a reflex/bad habit and she needs another reminder. You can't expect her to change right away, so perhaps speak to her again, and if she's still upset and is reluctant to change, then stop sharing your bed with her until she gets the message. May Allah give you patience and ease your affairs ameen.

It's like trying to get through to a brick wall she is just too stubborn to listen to what I have to say and when I even when I do finally get her to sit down and hear me out I find myself apologising to her which I know I should not be doing but I can't help but think it's something I've done... I can't bare to land my hands on her and she would definitely just hit me back anyway so it would just become a physical fight. I cover my face because when she gets violent sometimes she hits me and then I could not possibly go to work with a bruise on my face or something. So embarrassing I'm even saying this.

My dear brother. I and some other people told you each thread you created that she needs a professional help but I think you didnt care it. I remember even in the last thread in which you said that she understood her problem I told you the same thing that she needs a warning and professional help. As long as you go on to forgive her you will be divorced after a while. Believe me. If you dont want to divorce her dont forgive her anymore and force her to go a therapist.

So if I don't forgive her then what? Just ignore her everyday like she don't exist? When she hugs me and cries and says she is so sorry and that she loves me etc it's so hard to not forgive her.

Wa alaikum salam,

Does she pray? Perhaps you guys should focus more on deen......

We do pray but not all 5 because we both work and I know this is no excuse so Inshallah we'll do our best to keep up with prayers.


I feel like I'm just repeating myself and I don't really know why I posted again here, the advice I received last time was good advice and I know what has to be done but I can't bring myself to do it. If I mention divorce she'll probably just break down in tears and I'll feel guilty. That's essentially it, I give in to her and forgive her over and over and over because ultimately I feel guilty that I make her mad in the first place.

When she explained it to me last time about her previous abusive husband I told her now it seems the roles have reversed, now you're the abusive one and she keeps saying she doesn't mean it and that she is just scared so her fits of anger and violence defence, to prevent me from becoming like her ex husband, even though I never would. I would never lay a hand on her or force her to do anything but she just won't take my word for it.

So instead she continues to feel the need to put up a wall (offensive wall with arms that punch lol) so as the maintain the high ground kinda thing. I dunno to be honest, it's just hard to deal with.

[EgyptPrincess]

If you're not willing to do what's required then you better just back down and accept whatever she does. I suspect she is just one of those women who is naturally like this and she could even be lying about her previous marriage... have you ever stopped to wonder if perhaps she was the abusive one in her old marriage too? As a result he divorced her?

She is controlling and manipulating you because this is who she is, she's a sociopath by the sounds of it. She beats on you and treats you like a 5 year old and you continuously apologise to her and forgive her so of course she will never stop doing it because she knows she can get away with it. Some people are control freaks, this appears to be such a person.

Give her the ultimatum of going to therapy or you'll divorce her. If she doesn't listen then divorce her for your own sake.

Or just sit down and continue to be whipped. Choice is yours ^o)

[*charisma*]

Or just sit down and continue to be whipped. Choice is yours

That's really insensitive. He's treating his wife with respect and patience, just like he should be. There's nothing wrong with what HE'S doing, it's HER that's the problem. He's a perfect husband mashallah, and I think you can agree that if a stubborn woman doesn't want to do something no one can force her and in fact she can act even worse for being "controlled" even though he's clearly not doing that. I think he's trying to be as patient as he can with her because he clearly loves her. I'm sure that if he wanted he could divorce her or try to control her, but he wants to work it out in the way that she would understand and hopefully change.

[Raptor]

assalaam alaikum

I've been having issues with my abusive short tempered wife for a some time now and a while ago we thought we had worked things out and she explained why she is violent towards me and I accepted her reasons, forgave her and it seemed to be an end to the matter. Then just recently we had a massive argument because I did not have the food ready on time and but it was because I had to take an important phone call so I had to start the cooking an hour late. When she got home from her friends she exploded into rage simply because of this...

I tried to explain that I had to take a phone call and apologised for the dinner being late but she wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways. Telling me I am a lousy husband and useless because I can't even prepare a meal on time. I lost my temper because she literally would not let me speak and then we started to argue even more about other things like cleaning even though I am always the one who cleans and she does barely anything. Even if I ask her nicely she'll complain about how I make the mess therefore I should clean it up even though it's not me who is making the damn mess.

I am hanging on by a thread and I just don't know how to get through to her. I don't even have a voice in my own home and I really thought we had figured it out but she is just way too controlling and I feel like a child who cannot even answer back. Is it even possible for people like her to change or will she always be like this? I want to spend the rest of my life with her but she is impossible to handle, I honestly feel like a her ***** boy and it makes me feel so weak I hate it.

Who does she think she is? Like for real, especially at the bold part.

[EgyptPrincess]

That's really insensitive. He's treating his wife with respect and patience, just like he should be. There's nothing wrong with what HE'S doing, it's HER that's the problem. He's a perfect husband mashallah, and I think you can agree that if a stubborn woman doesn't want to do something no one can force her and in fact she can act even worse for being "controlled" even though he's clearly not doing that. I think he's trying to be as patient as he can with her because he clearly loves her. I'm sure that if he wanted he could divorce her or try to control her, but he wants to work it out in the way that she would understand and hopefully change.

I know he seems to be a wonderful husband to her and she just takes advantage of him. He needs to give her a reality check. I didn't mean for it to be insensitive but if it was me and my husband was treating me like this I would not stand for it so I said he simply HAS to do something about it and if he isn't willing to then he might as well just deal with it. As there is nothing else he can do...

I agree with you it seems to be 100% her problems if we believe what the OP has said, she seems like a control freak who probably suffers from insecurity issues so she treats him horribly.

I actually think domestic abuse against men is quite common but most men don't report it or tell anyone out of shame. OP is taking a big step by asking for help but he needs to realise that if things don't change it will get worse and worse. The more she gets away with the worst it will become. He needs to demand that she go to therapy and change her ways or he will divorce her. If she loves him as much as he says she will stop acting like this out of fear of him divorcing her.

[Umm Abed]

Wa alaikum salam.

Brother you did not have to apologize for the dinner, and dont even try to explain yourself to her. She is using all this to keep you as victim and to have authority over you and its making you submissive.

It is time you picked up some courage and set down some rules even if it means writing them down and showing her what you do expect of her.

[Bhabha]

Maybe she is waiting for you to be assertive, to take control and to get it on? You know, that special thing husband and wifeys do. :p

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum,

Whilst it's good to receive objective advise we can only speculate and we do not your full story brother.

It's best to speak to your wife and solve your disputes with her because she is the only one who can change the situation for you.

If you feel an elderly family member intervention may help then use them to assist you in resolving this matter but of course they must follow Islamic principles and keep everything confidential insha Allah.

May Allah swt help you understand each other Ameen.

[anatolian]

So if I don't forgive her then what? Just ignore her everyday like she don't exist? When she hugs me and cries and says she is so sorry and that she loves me etc it's so hard to not forgive her.

Salam again bro. Of course you will not ignore her like she doesn't exist because you care her and love her. What I am telling you just dont go on as if nothing happened. Just tell her that how you feel depressed because of her attitude and she must change otherwise you will not be able to stand it anymore after a while and the best way for her to chnage is to get a professional help. Have you ever told her this?

[Insignificant]

astaghfirullah al-adim - who's the man in the relationship? who's the woman?

Provided the husband is obedient to Allah subhano wa ta'ala - the wife must obey the husband.

No offense - if she wasn't working, I don't think you'd have this problem.

Allahu alem

[sister herb]

When I read this thread it made me think would we give different kind of advices if this would to be the case of abused wife (and hers tyrant, abusing, controlling, manipulating husband)?

Personally I don´t think that anything could change her, if she doesn´t understand that hers behaving is wrong and if she doesn´t really want to change by herself (with outside therapist or not).

[piXie]

Asalamu alaykum

Have you tried walking away or leaving the room every time she is disrespectful?

[Insignificant]

When I read this thread it made me think would we give different kind of advices if this would to be the case of abused wife (and hers tyrant, abusing, controlling, manipulating husband)?

Personally I don´t think that anything could change her, if she doesn´t understand that hers behaving is wrong and if she doesn´t really want to change by herself (with outside therapist or not).

If it was an abusive husband... I'd tell him to fear Allah SWT...

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

It sounds like you're in a tough position as she seems to be uncooperative and unmotivated to do the right thing. Although this is going to sound very obvious, sit down and speak to her and let her know in no uncertain terms how you find her behaviour unacceptable (although it sounds like you've tried this already). If this doesn't work then speak to her family members and ask them to help you. If things still don't work then go to the Sharia Council and ask them to help you as sometimes people just want to hear the right thing from someone else.

Make lots of du'aa because Allah is the turner of hearts.

In this instance even Google can't help you so you have to be very patient my brother.

[Jakob]

astaghfirullah al-adim - who's the man in the relationship? who's the woman?

Provided the husband is obedient to Allah subhano wa ta'ala - the wife must obey the husband.

No offense - if she wasn't working, I don't think you'd have this problem.

Allahu alem

It was the same when she didn't have a job. I told her if it's work that is bothering her she can stay at home and doesn't have to work, I earn more than enough to pay for both of us and our future children if she doesn't want to work it's fine by me. Go and pamper yourself everyday or something.

The problem is I want to make her happy right? That's every man's goal, but in order to make her happy I have to do what she says, if I go against her or don't do what she says, she isn't happy. So I'm left in a predicament, do I just accept her how she is and let her lead the marriage and then she is happy or do I battle it out do try and take charge of things and make her unhappy?

The wife must obey the husband... she doesn't obey crap I say lol. I can't force her to accept what I say and even when I do try to be stubborn she will make me sleep on the couch or something otherwise we'll just argue all night. A simple solution is to just throw her out the door by her hair but is this really the solution? She'll probably just smash my windows or my car. With a child you can just smack them and they will start to learn but obviously I won't hit her because I love her and even if I did she would most likely hit me back and then what? A fist fight? Broken noses and black eyes? Come on... this is not how it should be.

I think I'm just going to tell her to go to therapy and learn to change and control her anger and dictatorship or it's over... I'll change the locks on my home and see if she changes.

[Scimitar]

God bless you my brother,

Scimi

[Umm Malik]

Say this douae it's very helpful
{وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا} [الفرقان : 74]
Rabbana hab Lana min azwajina wa dourriyatina kourrata aeyounin wa 'jaalna lilmoutakina imama
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KqNfitp14vc
And try to worship Allah together and be patient by correcting her let your intention for every acting with her for the sake of Allah
Say adkar and make a lot of istighfar when you argue because one of the big doing of shaytan is to cause separation between a man and his wife.
So Istighfar will break all the problems

[Futuwwa]

The first thing to do is to demonstrate to her that she will not achieve anything by raging. Stand your ground. It's just sound. Mechanical oscillations in air. Give her nothing. If that makes her rage even more, it means it's working. Be ready, though, for the possibility that she will get violent. In that case, be ready to answer in kind and use whatever violence necessary to stop her. Whatever you do, don't let her win by escalating the situation. Stand your ground, no matter what it takes.

[crookedrib]

What surprises me is that you do all the cooking and cleaning.

[Jakob]

What surprises me is that you do all the cooking and cleaning.

I don't always do all the cooking and cleaning. Sometimes she does it sometimes but I have to ask her several times before she will do it. Every time I ask her for help with cleaning or cooking she'll reel off an excuse as to why she can't do it. It's just easier and less hassle if I just do it. I don't mind that much as it makes her happy so I kind of just get on with it. There are however times I need her to do it because I have to go out or attend a meeting.

Like I said in my other thread, everything in our marriage is fine and we have no problems with anything but occasionally I seem to say or do something which really upsets her but I don't know what it is that I do wrong... I think it's a combination of her being lazy and also her wanting to control the marriage. She basically seems me as beneath her :hmm: Everything is perfect IF I do what she says when she says without arguing back. Pathetic.

[anatolian]

When I read this thread it made me think would we give different kind of advices if this would to be the case of abused wife (and hers tyrant, abusing, controlling, manipulating husband)?

Personally I don´t think that anything could change her, if she doesn´t understand that hers behaving is wrong and if she doesn´t really want to change by herself (with outside therapist or not).

Salam. Yes if this was the case it would be much harder to solve. A wife has to be very strong to change her husband. But I would give the same advice though.