Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse

[gray_fox]

Salams all,


Hope everyone is having a pleasant weekend and all prepped for Ramadan.


I'm looking to seek advice on a potential partner I met recently.


Things went really well with her over the past couple of months and after meeting up we wanted to let the family know, get everyone introduced etc and progress further. However few days later we talked it out and she decided that it's a no go and rejected me. What really annoyed me is she wasn't sure what she wanted. She said I was a great guy and had everything she was looking for but her gut feeling wasn't sure if she wanted take things further. She didn't give me a valid excuse as to why it shouldn't progress except for this "feeling" she had. She said and I quote "a part of me wants to progress and another part says I don't know, I don't want to hold you back so we should leave it. I hope I'm not making a mistake."


It is very frustrating, you think you've finally found the one after months of searching and they end up doing a U-turn.


So over the past few days I've been thinking things over and I can't help but feel that we should give it another go and iron out any doubts we have. Normally I'd just leave it and move on but with this particular person I'm struggling. In this situation should I pray Istikhara? I have been praying daily and making dua for Allah's guidance but no idea what's the best course of action. In my eyes if you've found who you think is the right person after knowing them for a bit, I've got nothing to lose if I ask her to try again and see how things go.


JazakAllah Khair

[AbdurRahman.]

brother you said it .. .you got nothing to loose, so what you waiting for?, go ahead and give it another go before someone else takes her!
she might be impressed if you propose again thinking you must like her a lot! :Emoji51:

[*charisma*]

Walaikum assalaam

Yes you can do istikhara and ask her to do istikhara as well. Women have gut feelings/intuition much more strongly than brothers do, so it could be that there are little things about you that she doesn't like but can't pinpoint it exactly or she herself does not have confidence and self-esteem to let someone else be a part of her life. She also may have gotten nervous about you meeting her family..Whatever the reasons, she should do istikhara if she actually did like you. That could just be the boost that she needs to clear all her doubts. May Allah make it easy for you.

I do just want to mention that you should avoid any fitnah that comes with talking to the opposite gender. You probably already know, but just a reminder that if she wanted to break it up then try to limit your interaction with her because there's no point really in continuing it if it doesn't work out. The less haram is done in a relationship the more blessings Allah puts in the marriage.

[EgyptPrincess]

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[Serinity]

:salam:

"I don't know" "maybe" "we will see" "lets talk about it" "we could work it out" etc. Are not answers, either yes, or no - that is an answer, preferably with an explanation. If she says "I don't know" say "That is not an answer." etc.

And Allah SWT knows best.

[EgyptPrincess]

:salam:

"I don't know" "maybe" "we will see" "lets talk about it" "we could work it out" etc. Are not answers, either yes, or no - that is an answer, preferably with an explanation. If she says "I don't know" say "That is not an answer." etc.

And Allah SWT knows best.

It's not that simple though. sometimes she may honestly not know if she is ready for marriage. Also a lot of men take it personally when they're rejected so sugar coating it is sometimes better for their delicate little hearts.

[MuhammadIbrahim]

Dear brother,
I think if she had loved you, she would have never rejected you.:cry:

[Cpt.America]

Do ishtekhaara.
Sounds like she wants some time to think about this. Although it can feel frustrating for the other party, especially the vague way it was handled, it is understandable.

Pray ishtekhaara and talk to her family.

If you weren't dealing with her walk from the start, you were doing it wrong.
So do it the right way now if you're serious.

[Scimitar]

I would refrain from girls who are indecisive... I smell trouble ahead.

A woman who knows what she wants, is a woman... the rest are just trying to be women.

Scimi

[Cpt.America]

I would refrain from girls who are indecisive... I smell trouble ahead.

A woman who knows what she wants, is a woman... the rest are just trying to be women.

Scimi

Also sounds like he approached her and let the relationship progress to this point instead of going through the wali.

Indecisiveness through this process is natural, that's why a woman is supposed to have their wali to help guide them and screen potentials for them, and also ishtekhaara.

[Scimitar]

I was under the impression the wali was always there - whoa. :facepalm:

Scimi

[ardianto]

She said I was a great guy and had everything she was looking for but her gut feeling wasn't sure if she wanted take things further.

She doesn't feel matched with you, but she didn't want you offended if she reject you blatantly. So she used 'diplomatic way', praising you, then continue with "but" and tell her honest feeling on you. This is the common way of women in rejecting a man.

Should you propose marriage again?. It's okay. But not now, because you will be rejected again. What you must do is giving her a time to observe you better. If then she see that you are actually better than her current view on you, you will get a chance to be accepted

[EgyptPrincess]

I would refrain from girls who are indecisive... I smell trouble ahead.

A woman who knows what she wants, is a woman... the rest are just trying to be women.

Scimi

Not at all, women might like to think about it and it's a big decision. Jumping in and saying yes without a seconds thought could spell trouble a few weeks or months down the line if the marriage doesn't connect.

Men are just so desperate for an immediate answer. Patience is key ;)

[ardianto]

Women are not as complicated as the men think. You can 'read' a woman's way of thinking if you often communicate with women.

[Scimitar]

Not at all, women might like to think about it and it's a big decision. Jumping in and saying yes without a seconds thought could spell trouble a few weeks or months down the line if the marriage doesn't connect.

Men are just so desperate for an immediate answer. Patience is key ;)

You are supporting the idea of dating? :D

Scimi

[EgyptPrincess]

You are supporting the idea of dating? :D

Scimi

You need to give the girl time to deliberate the marriage proposal and how it might affect her life. She may need some time to think about it, men rushing women into marriage is not cool...

[Scimitar]

How much time would you say is fair? HASN'T THE BROTHER WAITED ALREADY? HENCE THIS THREAD?

Or do you suppose her fairy godmother will bring her glass slippers to convince her to get married ?:D

Scimi

[EgyptPrincess]

How much time would you say is fair? HASN'T THE BROTHER WAITED ALREADY? HENCE THIS THREAD?

Or do you suppose her fairy godmother will bring her glass slippers to convince her to get married ?:D

Scimi

If he really wants to marry her he should wait as long as is required until she gives him an answer. If he doesn't want to wait for an answer then he can move on and look for a different girl.

[Scimitar]

You are living in a romance, lady... life is not that rose tinted lol

He will walk if she misses her chance, in her own words quoted from the OP:

Salams all,
She said and I quote "a part of me wants to progress and another part says I don't know, I don't want to hold you back so we should leave it. I hope I'm not making a mistake."

Her loss - the brother actually wants to marry her and has even joined this forum to seek advice - where you gonna get a guy like that? tell me... she's being stupid.

And you are in lalaland.

Scimi

[EgyptPrincess]

You are living in a romance, lady... life is not that rose tinted lol

He will walk if she misses her chance, in her own words quoted from the OP:



Her loss - the brother actually wants to marry her and has even joined this forum to seek advice - where you gonna get a guy like that? tell me... she's being stupid.

And you are in lalaland.

Scimi

lalaland is pretty chill :p

She is just sugar coating it for him. "you're a really nice guy and I would like to marry you blah blah but it's just not the right time. It's not you, it's me" the classic. Men are so weak these days that you have to lower them to the floor very gently and reject them with care. It seems that is what she has done in this case.

That being said, is the perfect wife not worth fighting for? I commend the OP for asking her again... She may have changed her mind this time around but asking someone into marriage is not the same as asking someone if they want marshmallows in their hot chocolate... A lot of thought needs to go into it and perhaps now she may be ready to accept his proposal.

[Cpt.America]

You are living in a romance, lady... life is not that rose tinted lol

He will walk if she misses her chance, in her own words quoted from the OP:



Her loss - the brother actually wants to marry her and has even joined this forum to seek advice - where you gonna get a guy like that? tell me... she's being stupid.

And you are in lalaland.

Scimi

No she's right. There isn't any set time to make deliberations. There should be a wali involved in all steps along the way, and there should be Ishtekhaara done, but once a decision is made a decision is made. If that decision takes a while to be sure of and both parties are patient to it, that is fine and their choice. If one party gets tired of waiting they are free to leave and move on.

However once both people are sure they want marriage, they should get married. Get their nikkah and move on. Long engagements are not halal because they are still nonmahram to each other that way.

[Scimitar]

To the lalaland inhabitants... Don't attempt to speak for her please - I do not entertain theoretical nonsense, unless I have popcorn handy.

I've said everything I needed to - she has most likely lost her chance at having a decent man as a husband this time round - pray for her if you truly care. And for the brother too.

Have a nice night in lalaland :)

Scimi

[Scimitar]

No she's right. There isn't any set time to make deliberations. There should be a wali involved in all steps along the way, and there should be Ishtekhaara done, but once a decision is made a decision is made. If that decision takes a while to be sure of and both parties are patient to it, that is fine and their choice. If one party gets tired of waiting they are free to leave and move on.

However once both people are sure they want marriage, they should get married. Get their nikkah and move on. Long engagements are not halal because they are still nonmahram to each other that way.

Ah the same old istikhara vibe :D

I've heard people tell me they saw an elephant and took it as a sign.

3 months later - divorce talk

People these days wouldn't know a sign if it hit them square in the jaw mate.

Scimi

[EgyptPrincess]

she has most likely lost her chance at having a decent man as a husband this time round - pray for her if you truly care. And for the brother too.

Have a nice night in lalaland :)

A lot of options out there...

This is just a classic example of desperate men. Very unattractive.

Him: MARRY ME NOW!
Her: Can I think about it?
Him: NO I NEED AN ANSWER IMMEDIATELY!
Her: It's a big decision though, I'm not sure.
Him: HOW CAN YOU NOT BE SURE?!

sigh

[Scimitar]

A lot of options out there...

This is just a classic example of desperate men. Very unattractive.

Him: MARRY ME NOW!
Her: Can I think about it?
Him: NO I NEED AN ANSWER IMMEDIATELY!
Her: It's a big decision though, I'm not sure.
Him: HOW CAN YOU NOT BE SURE?!

sigh

That is not how it went down,

Do you hate men or something? I'm getting a bitter vibe from you :)

Scimi

[Cpt.America]

Ah the same old istikhara vibe :D

I've heard people tell me they saw an elephant and took it as a sign.

3 months later - divorce talk

People these days wouldn't know a sign if it hit them square in the jaw mate.

Scimi

It's true that a lot of bidaa has been made and people call it Ishtekhaara.

But I wasn't talking about that stuff.

We should not slander what is Islamically advised

http://hadithoftheday.com/how-to-per...at-l-istikhara

[Scimitar]

I wasn't... where did I slander it?

I just pointed out my own observations.

that's not to say none of my friends who are married now for over twenty years - didn't do istkahara is it?

It works, if you have a sound mind... unfortunately, sound minds are a rarity these days, judging by some of the content this forum sees on a daily basis.

heck even our ex admin is engaged in picture games in Ramadhan.

Scimi

[Cpt.America]

Anyway, back to the thread.

OP. If you are serious about this potential:

Then go to her wali talk about marriage, if he approves:
then go through the courtship process to marriage the halal way.
So start from scratch.

If you don't want to go to her wali, then you weren't actually serious about this in an Islamic way.

Peace

[Scimitar]

And that is my point :D

No wali - sponsor dating :D

Scimi

[Cpt.America]

I wasn't... where did I slander it?

I just pointed out my own observations.

that's not to say none of my friends who are married now for over twenty years - didn't do istkahara is it?

It works, if you have a sound mind... unfortunately, sound minds are a rarity these days, judging by some of the content this forum sees on a daily basis.

heck even our ex admin is engaged in picture games in Ramadhan.

Scimi

Sorry my bro, I didn't mean to sound so harsh.
I was just trying to advise you that when you talk about elephants as signs, to please write it clearly that that cultural stuff is bidaa and not actual Ishtekhaara.
Otherwise it might sound like the actual nafl prayer is being called bidaa and confuse people in a wrong way.

I apologize if I have caused any misunderstanding. Please do forgive me.

[Cpt.America]

And that is my point :D

No wali - sponsor dating :D

Scimi

Truth.
From my personal observations, doing thing the halal way not only has so much barakah and a blessed marriage.
But it definitely streamlines the process in a practical way, with the sister getting sound advice and the brother understating the family and all before hand, and whatever else is involved

Usually doesn't take more than 6 months max to make a final decision. Usually less.

[EgyptPrincess]

That is not how it went down,

Do you hate men or something? I'm getting a bitter vibe from you :)

Scimi

haha no, I just don't like it when men get all huffy because women want to contemplate a decision that will change their lives.

[Scimitar]

No probs.

You ladies can be sweet to each other, but treat us men with an air of contempt - it's kinda halal :D

Scimi

[EgyptPrincess]

No probs.

You ladies can be sweet to each other, but treat us men with an air of contempt - it's kinda halal :D

Scimi

Again I'm sorry I really need to stop doing that. I'm trying to be a better Muslim honestly :)

[Scimitar]

Seriously sister, no need to apologise - you will learn I have a very thick skin :)

I often play the fool card though, just so I can learn a little more.

Scimi

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I definitely would be against giving her MORE time. Brother should pray istikhara as well as her if she's "unsure" and afterwards take her reply. If she says no, then khalas no is no and we move on with our lives.

A woman knows when she wants to be with someone forever, point blank. If she's telling him I need more time to think about it etc. then she's having doubts or playing with his emotions. Istikhara can fix the doubts. Marriage isn't a game really. The moment a woman wants to get married, then she'll know if she wants the guy or not..its not necessarily that she needs time to "think about marriage" they're way past that. She wants to get married, but not to him. Society likes to make you think that if you like someone you will wait for them..but no, when you like someone there's no point in waiting, you go for it and you take the hardships that comes with it and suck it up and make it great. That's what marriage is. It's not 20 years of waiting and 5 years of being together. That's selfish and stupid.

[Scimitar]

Assalamu Alaikum

I definitely would be against giving her MORE time. Brother should pray istikhara as well as her if she's "unsure" and afterwards take her reply. If she says no, then khalas no is no and we move on with our lives.

A woman knows when she wants to be with someone forever, point blank. If she's telling him I need more time to think about it etc. then she's having doubts or playing with his emotions. Istikhara can fix the doubts. Marriage isn't a game really. The moment a woman wants to get married, then she'll know if she wants the guy or not..its not necessarily that she needs time to "think about marriage" they're way past that. She wants to get married, but not to him. Society likes to make you think that if you like someone you will wait for them..but no, when you like someone there's no point in waiting, you go for it and you take the hardships that comes with it and suck it up and make it great. That's what marriage is. It's not 20 years of waiting and 5 years of being together. That's selfish and stupid.

A womans touch, is all this opinion needed, thankfully you was here to say what I couldn't relay effectively.

Allahu akbar,

Scimi

[EgyptPrincess]

Assalamu Alaikum

I definitely would be against giving her MORE time. Brother should pray istikhara as well as her if she's "unsure" and afterwards take her reply. If she says no, then khalas no is no and we move on with our lives.

A woman knows when she wants to be with someone forever, point blank. If she's telling him I need more time to think about it etc. then she's having doubts or playing with his emotions. Istikhara can fix the doubts. Marriage isn't a game really. The moment a woman wants to get married, then she'll know if she wants the guy or not..its not necessarily that she needs time to "think about marriage" they're way past that. She wants to get married, but not to him. Society likes to make you think that if you like someone you will wait for them..but no, when you like someone there's no point in waiting, you go for it and you take the hardships that comes with it and suck it up and make it great. That's what marriage is. It's not 20 years of waiting and 5 years of being together. That's selfish and stupid.

Hmm I guess what you say makes sense. Say you want to get married and a proposal is made to you, how long do you think is acceptable to think about it. When I mean is, how long can you allocate yourself to find out about his piety, character, personality, job, previous wives etc.

When my sister got married my parents and sister met with him and his parents several times. I think from the first time they met it was like 3 months before they got married. If I remember correctly.

[*charisma*]

Hmm I guess what you say makes sense. Say you want to get married and a proposal is made to you, how long do you think is acceptable to think about it. When I mean is, how long can you allocate yourself to find out about his piety, character, personality, job, previous wives etc.

When my sister got married my parents and sister met with him and his parents several times. I think from the first time they met it was like 3 months before they got married. If I remember correctly.

With the supervision of a wali, 3 months is more than enough to know whether or not you want the guy. You have to be smart about it and look for all the logical and important things that are required for a strong foundational marriage (Click here: 100 Pre-Marital questions). The lovey dovey stuff is nothing unless the important stuff comes first. After that, nikkah right away. I wouldn't prolong that.

I know some people are used to thinking that you need a year or even longer to really get to know the person, but if you can't figure it out within a few weeks or so then there's something wrong, like either your insight isn't that deep or the suitor has a questionable character. Anything longer than 3 months, in my opinion, is like stealing from your marriage whoever it is you end up with.

[noraina]

Assalamu alaykum

As everyone is saying, this sister is either being extremely indecisive or not taking this seriously. InshaAllah both of you guys should pray istikhara, if you are still unsure, or she is still stalling, it probably means this isn't going to work out.

Engagements should be kept short and sweet, once you meet or are introduced to someone and decide to marry them, you should be happily married within a year. I see many people saying they are 'getting to know one another' or 'figuring each other out', well you could spend twenty years with someone and still have no idea what is in their heart, it just seems like an excuse of someone who either isn't too bothered about marriage or is running away from the responsibility - both bad signs. And then the obvious fact that it can lead to fitnah or at least unnecessary free-mixing before marriage.

And ideally, if you know someone well enough or like them enough to get engaged, you should drop that and do the nikkah. :D Prolonged engagements are a waste of time in-between choosing your spouse and then actually getting married to them.

[gray_fox]

Thank you all for the replies, I did not expect this thread to blow up lol. May allah bless you all and reward you.

So just to give some clarification on how we met etc, my family got the proposal from their family and we didn't hear back from them. We coincidentally met on a matremonial website and she knew a family member of mine so I got her involved. So after we started talking for a long time we then agreed ok let's prgress things with the family and do it right, and at the point she said let's go our seperarte ways. So yes, even though it was a weird way we met each other it was going to the point to get wali etc involved, this time round if I do approach her it'll be done the right way.

As for the comments about desperation, if I was desperate I would've married the first person who came my way and been married 2 years ago. There is a big difference between desperation and knowiing what you want. Prior to meeting her for the first time I did do Istikhara, and I had good vibes and had no doubts in my mind at all - I can't say if she did it as well as I did not ask.

Anyhoo, again thank you all for the comments I really do appreciate it. I think in this blessed month I will do some self evaluation, seeks Allahs guidance and take things from there.

[EgyptPrincess]

So yes, even though it was a weird way we met each other it was going to the point to get wali etc involved, this time round if I do approach her it'll be done the right way.

It seems a bit weird that she is all chit chatty online but when you actually decide to take it serious and get wali's involved, she suddenly has a change of heart. Perhaps she was just playing mind games. Regardless Inshallah you find the right women in the future :)

[Scimitar]

She's no woman as I said, she's in it for ego massages and has led this brother on a wild goose chase, almost breaking his heart in the process... girls like that are dangerous floozies who will end up rotten.

Unless Allah has mercy on them.

Scimi

[greenhill]

Welcome to the forum.

Reading through I'd suggest a mix of what has been said. It is the times we are in.. but the thing is, we can better understand now the possibilities that may be going through her mind, take note and highlight what could be the concerns that you are aware off. She may agree, add to them or deny and come up with nothing still. Then it is a dead end.

But you got to tell her why you feel that both of you have potential. for that, both have to have a slightly different mindset, that is the difference.

Wishing you a great stay.


:peace:

[gray_fox]

She responded and funnily enough she wanted to get in touch as well but was hesistant, and after having a chat I can see why she wasn't so sure. So we both agreed to pick things up after Ramdan and see how things go.