Sm412
06-11-2016, 03:42 AM
More than likely this will be moved to the Helpdesk and not responded to, as the admins have been doing to me lately if they don't delete my posts altogether, but I figure I'll give it a shot. I'd like to think they wouldn't deny me an honest attempt to learn something about Islam from other Muslims and their insights.
So I've been on the brink of leaving Islam for some time. What appealed to me about it in the first place was what I believe to be a correct conception about God. I thought the rest would fall into place. I was wrong.
The first thing that happened was my unfortunate interaction with Muslims who fit the mold of the (wrong) American conservative conception of Islam. I had assumed that it was all a misconception going in, but interaction with these individuals impacted me severely. It was quite ridiculous. Conquer the unbelievers, kill those who resist, subject all to Islam by threat of violence, etc. I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. I believe in secularism only because it does not allow one religion to dominate another, and allows them to practice peacefully in their respective communities. Unfortunately, while the first amendment does not allow Muslims to practice Shariah, I believe it is a protected right and should be treated as such. I believe freedom of religion can relieve tension between religious communities. These people did not agree. Conquer rather than coexist is the verdict I received. I began to wonder if any of my brothers at the mosque shared this unacceptable and violent worldview. I began to feel uncomfortable around my own brothers.
As the months went by I was pressured to do various things that I found to be confusing. I felt as if I had been sold a brand new BMW and as soon as I signed my name, I was told "by the way, this thing needs a TON of repairs." I felt like I was persuaded into something great, and after I made my declaration, BOOM, here are all of the rules. I was told I could no longer listen to music. I couldn't have sex until marriage. I can't let a dog lick my face (dog lover here, dogs bring me great joy), I had to grow a beard (I physically can't. It comes in patchy. the only consistent hair I can grow is on my neck, which looks ridiculous), as well as numerous other rules and regulations that I was confused as to why I should follow. It really seemed cultural rather than religious, and I didn't see what these rules had to do with my relationship with Allah. I was told "because Allah said so." End of discussion.
It was at this point that I began to doubt Islam. It seemed more like I was following a culture rather than faith. My question was, why would the creator of the universe legislate irrelevant, arbitrary, and trivial cultural practices? This led me to doubting Muhammad's prophethood, and thus the entire package. For a brief moment I put the Hadith aside and focused on the Quran only. Then I read an inflammatory biography on Muhammad and desecrated my Quran afterward. I began trolling Muslim forums.
And here I am. Angry. Confused. Trolling. I was hoping that maybe someone can relate, or can say something to ease the situation I'm in. I'm asking for help. I haven't declared shirk yet on the hope that my concerns can be resolved.
ReplySm412
06-11-2016, 06:25 AM
In addition I'd like to seek forgiveness from Timi Scar and Eease the kiwi (sorry if I got the name wrong), whose input I have valued greatly as well as anyone else I may have affected.
Reply'abd al-hakeem
06-11-2016, 10:16 AM
Salaamu allikum warahmatullah. Brother. May you be granted additional transparency to your challenges, the ability to discover the solutions, and the ability to implement them. Amin.
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