Ties Of Kinship

[Afif Rusli]

Assalamuailikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear brothers/sisters,

I have problem within myself, that i can't change, problems conversing with my family or cousin, im too quiet, i get nervous easily in conversation, my big problem is, i can't maintain ties of relationship , and im making my family and cousin disappointed and hating me by avoiding them and not maintaining ties with them.

Sometimes they make me nervous as well, keep asking why im so quiet , say something, everyone is talking and they give me that stare that i was not talking to them, maybe it was perceived as rudeness, so they do not talk to me as well, i get very anxious and negative when people try to communicate with me asking me to be be sporting, i wanted to make things more lively but its just not my thing so i avoid them(cousins), i don't speak much and avoid speaking cause whenever i speak, things so weird comes out, its something i tried to change , but i feel like i lost my capabilities to talk to people, due to my past i always isolated myself (longest 6 months) eversince i was 14 y/o till now 21 y/o, because during that time im so anxious meeting people due to past experiences, socially mostly and bullying a little, but i have forgotten the past cause people was naive but it took a toll on me, i believe i am at fault for not being more human and being more socialising, theres a part of me that i find hopeless to socialise, things wont pop up in my head, so whenever people talk i remember to speak only good and not sound arrogant or ignorant to people,
because im afraid i make things negative as always ,that i will always messing things up and people avoid me, i always end up talking about the negativity, so i stopped talking to my cousin, if i were to talk i would be asking very simple question but i never once asked how are they (cousins) and my family sometimes i do talk to them, but not like asking them like how they doing because everyone is busy, my mom do pray but the rest of my family doesn't..

Recently i just started pursuing islam , eversince i was young , i feel like i need to turn to god, and always afraid to disobey him, first i seek islam through my father, but he knew nothing of islam , i believe he was into magic of some sort, Allahu alam, so i learnt it online by seeing opinion, following as what Allah swt have shown me though knowledge, research sunnah of its authencity with the ulemas, and all and i keep myself minimal after that, i have corrected some part of me, and the thing that make me feel worse, there is a hadith that made my deen more harder as i feel like there is no hope of entering jannah unless allah swt allows it, but the prophet saw has said it.

http://sunnah.com/bukhari/78/15

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ مُحَمَّدَ بْنَ جُبَيْرِ بْنِ مُطْعِمٍ، قَالَ إِنَّ جُبَيْرَ بْنَ مُطْعِمٍ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّهُ، سَمِعَ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقُولُ ‏ "‏ لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعٌ ‏"‏‏.‏

Narrated Jubair bin Mut`im:
That he heard the Prophet (ﷺ) saying, "The person who severs the bond of kinship will not enter Paradise."

Reference: Sahih al-Bukhari 5984
In-book reference: Book 78, Hadith 15
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Vol. 8, Book 73, Hadith 13

Technically , i have failed my duties in maintaining my ties of kinship, i failed allah swt of what he has asked to enjoin, and my intention wasnt to cut ties but i have no choice , so i don't intervene with their happy lives.

i feel confuse will i ever be safe afterlife, i do pray 5 times a day, offer nawafil, read some translated quran , do my own research on hadith as well and compiling them for remembrance , but after seeing this hadith it broke me , and my effort feels like it wont be good enough anymore, nowadays i pray salah asking Allah SWT to admit me in jannah eventho im not maintaining my ties and i all i can do is to avoid, but they(cousins) too do not maintain ties with my family, i feel both of us is at wrong. cause i have alot of cousin that i do not talked to , closes , maybe one or two person. Only During Eid Al-Fitr we visit in one household tgt but some do not mix with others well, including me, i only talked to two other cousins only. The other day it was my fault to not attend the wedding of my cousins and helped them to prepare because i was afraid of meeting them, i am ashamed of myself , im useless, i do not know how to help people including myself. Now im 21 years old, but my mentality isnt what my age is due to isolation. i blame myself for being weak , i need answers from you guys, inshallah there might be a way to Jannah.. Dua for me , my name is Al-'Afif Bin(ibn) Rusli. Jazakallah Khair. :cry:

[greenhill]

Welcome to the forum.

How do we do this? Well, first thing is you have taken the right step. Realising you have a problem and then the next best thing which is harder still, reaching out.

That is 2 positive steps already.

Next is to realise that you have allowed this to go on for too long and you have very little social skills. The good thing is that you are quite articulate but seriously low in confidence.

Maybe you should participate in training camps or group activities. You have to build yourself too. It is going to be different.

You can approach someone who most want to help and talk to them, share what you have written here so well, it will make them see and understand. Better still for them, they see that you want to change and open up. They will feel encouraged, I'm sure.


Wishing you a great stay


:peace:

[Arfa]

Assalamualaikum brother,

Firstly,you have realised that you have a problem which is a partial solution to your problem just like bro green hill mentioned.Secondly,knowing that every problem comes up with a solution so one needs to work on it with devotion in order to solve it.Understanding the fact that one needs to come out of their comfort zone Inorder to mingle and interact with a wide variety of people is crucial to overcome your social anxiety.Sometimes your past experiences may be hinderances for your social progress and you stay stagnant and stuck in old patterns,which ultimately leads to being anti social.Therefore,one step at a time is key.As for jerks and bullies who try to undermine your self worth,know that you are far better than them to play petty fights ,rise above all hatred,animosity and fear.Begin to face your fears with new hope and skills.Try to befriend those who are likeminded first then expand your circle gradually.Its a gradual process so keep taking tiny steps.When you will develop enough faith to interact freely you will be ready to beat negative vibes In shaa Allah.

[Arfa]

I remember a quote regarding friends and social circle.

If you don't feel it,flee from it.Go where you are celebrated,not merely tolerated.
Paul F Davis
unquote.