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View Full Version : I let myself down so badly. (long story)



Bosanac
07-13-2016, 04:52 PM
Its going to be a long winded story, I apologize in advance. I just wanna tell it right and get it off my chest.

So I'm from a family that is not particularly religious. A lot of people where I'm from aren't actually. They eat pork, they drink, they smoke, don't fast etc. Muslims mostly in name only. Growing up I didn't have an Islamic upbringing and so I didn't even consider myself Muslim. I was pretty agnostic on the subject of faith. Religion though was a subject that always fascinated me and so in the last several years, after learning as much as I could about Islam, I started becoming a lot more religious. Read the quran, watched lectures online, talked to friends that are knowledgable on Islam (and they still are pretty supportive). I completely stopped eating pork, I started praying, fasting, even quit drinking.

I did all of this, and for the most part actually kept it to myself. Only a few friends knew this about me at first, and my mom knew I didn't eat pork because well...she makes food for me most of the time so I had to tell her lol. A big reason I was so secretive about it was because, as strange as it might sound to some, I honestly thought my family wouldn't take me seriously. They would probably even mock me. And also as well, I felt like it would add a lot of pressure on me. I knew everyone would watch me and judge me if I did anything wrong. Even though all of them do all this stuff theyre not supposed to, if I even once did something I'm not supposed to do theyd call me out on it. I didnt wanna deal with that. This is also where I am going with this story.

Now I said earlier that I quit drinking. And I did for 2 whole years, and it was a struggle for me big time. A lot of my friends drink and for years I casually drank with them (never had an addiction or anything like that, just social drinking), and I think that was what made it a struggle. I knew I could stop whenever and I kept delaying quitting all together for a long time, but a day finally came where I felt too guilty drinking and then just "cold turkey" you could say, I stopped drinking. Most friends were cool with this. They too were very supportive. But I always gave myself a pass if I ever slipped up because well they all knew how much effort I was putting and I knew they wouldnt be judgmental.

Recently I moved overseas to stay with extended family. Same case, tried to keep it all on the down low. With everything going on in the world too, people here are very nervous about Islam (sadly). Except I couldnt be as subtle here about it and family here figured it out quickly. And they were actually very impressed I think. Certainly gave me a lot of compliments. It might sound egotistical, but it felt really nice to get the recognition of doing the right things. I thought of myself as a role model. I really hoped that I could be a good example, and who knows, maybe influence positively some family members and friends here. Actions speak louder than words. I thought maybe this could be minor way of dahwa. Let my actions do the talking. After all, it was my practising friends back home that influenced me into turning my life around. Things were going great; a little too great (as cliche as that sounds).


Last week my brother came to visit here as well. He didn't know about any of this. He suspected something of course, but didn't know. I don't know why I did it, maybe because I was happy to see my brother after a few months apart and just wanted to bond, but I drank a few beers with him that evening as we sat and watched sports.

Next evening, as a bunch of us were sitting around, we went to order pizza and, of course, my brother then heard how I dont eat pork. He started laughing, and being quite obnoxious about it. Kept insinuating I was making it up. It actually confused everyone why he didnt know his brother doesnt eat pork. I never told them how I kept it to myself before this. And then when he heard I dont even drink, he told everyone how we drank the night before.

The looks I got from everyone was so disheartening. Made me feel like such a fraud. They kept cracking jokes all evening about it. Kept making nasty jokes, like offering me pizza with pork and beer. Even told the rest of the family. And maybe because they were drunk, but one of them (who I'm not too particularly fond of to begin with to say the least) kept calling me out on being a liar and hypocrite and how at least nobody else in the family pretends to be something theyre not.

So that happened a few days ago and I've been kicking myself entire time. I really don't have anyone to blame but myself. I've mostly kept to myself not talking to anyone. Feels pretty humiliating. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I were to try and explain myself or justify myself by saying it was just a one time slip up I would just be making it worse. What would I even say. What irritates me too is that I never even acted super righteous or indignant around them. Never made any comments or criticisms towards their non practising ways, for lack of better term. Technically I never even claimed I never drink. I always said I stopped drinking because I started working out, that's it. I even pointed that out that night and they just threw it back at me, calling me a "ramadhan muslim" and calling me hypocritical for not eating pork but drinking. Worst of all is that I felt like they were right and that this has to be a punishment from God for getting some delusions of grandeur about how I'm going to be this perfect role model.

I keep trying to make myself feel better. I keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and that it doesn't negate all my good deeds. But I think what hurts the most is that I keep thinking how in the future, I'll just seem hypocritical. As if I lost all trust and confidence of family members. Every time I don't eat pork, I can picture them cracking jokes that I'm probably eating pork in secret. When I pass up on alcohol, I can see then cracking jokes about how I drink in secret. It does give me comfort knowing that God knows the truth, but I can't help but feel that now I won't reach anyone in the family to perhaps change their ways like I did. I dread any further conversation regarding religion with them too.
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Alpha Dude
07-13-2016, 06:14 PM
Ma sha Allah, keep going bro. Don't let the reactions get you down. You are doing what you need to do for the sake of Allah alone and should continue with no worries about what others will think.
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Umm Malik
07-13-2016, 09:51 PM
This story should make you thankful that you are the first religious member in your family
We all lived this pariod but you know the best thing you should think when they make joke about you is to remember the prophet muhammad when he was hearing those words from the disbelievers and ask yourself : why he was patient ??
Just for us
For you to be a Muslim
And one day he will see you as fruit of his efforts with many Muslims in this hard time who they keep in the way of Allah even the difficulty
Remember ... they are your lovers and your family .. think of them as ignorent
And just keep being with them great ... change your life into the best ... let them know how closing to Allah is good
And how is the right muslim act
in every attitude like that .. say subhana lahi wa bihamdih
Because Allah tell the prophet in the coran

( 130 ) So be patient over what they say and exalt [Allah] with praise of your Lord before the rising of the sun and before its setting; and during periods of the night [exalt Him] and at the ends of the day, that you may be satisfied.
(Taha)



( 95 ) Indeed, We are sufficient for you against the mockers
( 96 ) Who make [equal] with Allah another deity. But they are going to know.
( 97 ) And We already know that your breast is constrained by what they say.
( 98 ) So exalt [Allah] with praise of your Lord and be of those who prostrate [to Him].
( 99 ) And worship your Lord until there comes to you the certainty (death).

( 55 ) So be patient, [O Muhammad]. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. And ask forgiveness for your sin and exalt [Allah] with praise of your Lord in the evening and the morning.(alhijr)

( 39 ) So be patient, [O Muhammad], over what they say and exalt [Allah] with praise of your Lord before the rising of the sun and before its setting,
( 40 ) And [in part] of the night exalt Him and after prostration (kaf)

( 48 ) And be patient, [O Muhammad], for the decision of your Lord, for indeed, you are in Our eyes. And exalt [Allah] with praise of your Lord when you arise.(Attor)

In most time when Allah speaks about patient ..he commands to the prophet to say ( sboubhana lahi wabihamdih ) or ( subhana rabi wa bihamdih )
Make a goal for yourself to be the changer of your family
This us what I did one day and now alhamdulillah we get a religious family just because Allah know your intention and he will help you
But know Allah says:
( 1 ) Alif, Lam, Meem
( 2 ) Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?
( 3 ) But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.
So be patient
Allah desrve more and jannah also deserve
May Allah help you
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Snel
07-14-2016, 01:16 AM
Hey!

This guidance is from Allah, maybe He has something great prepared for you.

Regarding your family: When we are going to be raised up in the day of judgment we will all be alone with our actions. What you should be doing is your own responsibility towards them, and that is it. Allah comes first, if your family can't stand you being a muslim then don't listen to them, they will stand before their lord for what they have done in this life and so will you. I say be patient towards them, maybe Allah will guide some of them through you and give you the reward from everything good that comes out of your influence.
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Scimitar
07-14-2016, 01:23 AM
Bro, don't break the rules and Allah won't humiliate you - simple.

The whole world thinks it is "free" but that freedom was given to the people of all nations by who? Allah. that's WHO.

If you want to be a Muslim, get used to saying "No thank you" and being firm. If you feel like weak sauce - then don't be around people - be with Allah, make dua and make salaah.

Read about Islam, from reputable sources - learn who you really are, and what it means to be a Muslim...

...and become a Muslim. Not just by name or by talk, but by walking the walk.

Scimi
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Amor101
07-01-2017, 01:40 AM
Assalamu Alaykum

I am from Bosnia too, Srebrenica! I can identify with your story. Islam and Muslims are superior than us and everything around us. Let me tell you, when I started to practice at age 17, my brothers and sisters (on gawaher forum) were so educated and superior to non-Muslims in daw'ah (call to Islam). I am proud of the Muslims and the Muslim ummah. They are all educated, smart, strong, rich and they set an excellent example of Islam.

Although we are Bosnian, we should support and follow our brothers and sisters who exceeded us in faith.

InshaAllah you are welcomed here and that you get increased in knowledge .

Where do you live? Is it hijjrah?
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Eric H
07-01-2017, 07:44 AM
Greetings and peace be with you Bosanac;

Life is a constant struggle to do the right thing; I like this..........



Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centred;
Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and Allah;
It never was between you and them anyway.



In the spirit of never giving up hope.

Eric
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