Marriage and Asexuality

[Little_Lion]

I am an asexual, meaning that I have absolutely no interest in intimate relations. They are actually physically painful for me, and I have seen a doctor about it and nothing can be done. I can feel love for other people, even romantic love (I have been married twice, once divorced and once widowed, both marriages taking place before my reversion to Islam), but I have no physical desire for others. I am also beyond the age where having children would be recommended, nor do I want any more children, so the question of starting a family is not an issue.

I would like very much to be married again to a good Muslim man and enjoy companionship and following Allah's will with a partner in life. How do I approach this, knowing what most men would expect from a wife physically and knowing that I am unwilling to provide it, both for the sake of my health and my own personal well being? I know being asexual is not haraam - the good part is I have absolutely no interest in zina! ;D - but I do not want a husband to enter into marriage without knowing this and it seems to me to be a poor conversation to have with him or with his parents. I have no idea how to handle it. What would my brothers and sisters advise?

I hope that this is okay to ask on the boards, and my sincerest apologies in advance if it is overstepping any bounds.

Jazak Allah Khair!

[drac16]

Salam alaykum,

It's difficult for me to answer in a way that's G rated, but I will try. Yeah, you should definitely bring it up before you marry someone. The last thing you need is a man freaking out on his wedding night after finding out his wife is asexual. I'm sure you're not the only muslim woman who has that problem. I suppose the male equivalent would be a guy that is unable to achieve/sustain an erection. Obviously it's possible for a muslim to have such a problem (especially for men who are over the age of 40). You're probably aware of this, but a woman does not have to be penetrated to reach a climax, nor does a man need to penetrate in order to climax. There are other ways you can satisfy your partner, such as stimulating with the hand(s) and/or mouth.

You don't have to go around telling a guy's parents; it's none of their business. When you feel that you can trust a guy, then bring it up.

[greenhill]

Not going to disagree with drac..

Just makes finding a suitable partner that bit more difficult. But, nothing is impossible.

May Allah help you..


:peace:

[Raptor]

Marry an asexual man, though it may take a while to find one.

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[Little_Lion]

But how to I bring this up? This will be the first time that I am seeking an Islamic marriage and probably will not be dating the man; chances for conversation will be slim. Do I just say it flat out, or when discussing a marriage contract? How do I do it that will not cause offense, insha'Allah?

[anatolian]

I dont know what others think but I think you should directly say it to him. It is obvious that many marriages end up with divorce because such things were not informed before..

[drac16]

But how to I bring this up? This will be the first time that I am seeking an Islamic marriage and probably will not be dating the man; chances for conversation will be slim. Do I just say it flat out, or when discussing a marriage contract? How do I do it that will not cause offense, insha'Allah?

I would hope you would talk to a guy before you marry him. Otherwise, how will you know if you connect with him? When you feel that you can trust him, then bring it up.

[Kiro]

Asexual means no sexual attraction not no desire for marriage unless you knew this and meant a different context

[shygirl1993]

May You get help, I feel sorry for You.

[azc]

Would you mind to consult a doctor...?

[islamirama]

But how to I bring this up? This will be the first time that I am seeking an Islamic marriage and probably will not be dating the man; chances for conversation will be slim. Do I just say it flat out, or when discussing a marriage contract? How do I do it that will not cause offense, insha'Allah?

The question is how will you go about seeking a partner?

if you are going to fill out a matrimonial profile online then you can indicate on there that you are not looking to have kids and that you are looking for a life partner in a celibacy marriage. And you will provide details to serious parties. The last part is important to help you so you don't go telling all the curious people out there who are not even interested but just want to know.

If you are looking in person, then it helps to have a third party involved. Another sister, or sister and her kin, or the local imam. And they can convey the message that you are looking for a celibate marriage, if this is something they are interested then they can move forward, if not then move on. This point will need to be emphasized so they don't think 'i can say yes now, but will woo her and she'll come around later'. You don't really need to give any more details than that. Just due to health and medical reasons you are looking for a celibate marriage. That all should suffice for anyone that is serous and ok with that type of marriage. All the details can come out after the nikkah.

[hisnameiszzz]

I feel I am asexual too. And that is the thing that worries me. Whenever the Imam does a bayaan, he is always talking about the rights of women (I think he means in bed) and I don't think I would ever be able to fulfil them as the thought of doing such things now repulses me. I'm crazy or weird but that's just me.

I know I could be a good caring husband and I could look after a wife and buy her presents etc but the bedroom stuff is not for me. My brother is putting immense amounts of pressure on me as are my friends. #awkward

[MuslimahRo]

Alhamdulillah! I am glad to see this thread as I have identified as asexual for most of my life, even before 2005 when I found out about others like me and a support group and forum called AVEN (www.asexuality.org). It is difficult to find someone in general but even more so when you have these kind of problems and issues. I am used to being alone but I would like to have love in my life. I tried searching on different sites, including asexual ones and regular ones, but it is hard to find someone suitable and honest--and this even without the asexuality and health factors!!! Plus, there aren't too many Muslims on asexual sites. You should try looking, however, in case Allah has someone for you. May Allah help you and all of us have halal love. Amin.

Although I am used to being alone, I feel an emptiness in my life, especially now that I am in my 30's and everybody seems to be growing apart with their growing families. I would like to get married but only with someone to whom I am attracted aesthetically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

[MuslimahRo]

Re: hisnameiszzz
"Whenever the Imam does a bayaan, he is always talking about the rights of women (I think he means in bed)..."
Lol (although I know that this is a serious issue for us asexuals).

"I know I could be a good caring husband and I could look after a wife and buy her presents etc but the bedroom stuff is not for me. My brother is putting immense amounts of pressure on me as are my friends. #awkward"

I need a husband like you...I think! The sexual ones are too disgusting and perverted for me.

By the way, a number of asexuals do engage in physical relations. Some like it and others don't. This is sort of a gray area for me as I have never been married and I am still searching for my Mr. Right. May Allah Azza wa Jaal make it easier for us, Amin.

[MuslimahRo]

There are a good number of Muslims asexuals. They just don't know it. That's why we need to spread awareness. Allah Is The Best of Creators and He Created us in pairs so no one should be alone. Just like he created asexual females, he created asexual males. We just have to work harder than average people to find someone/the right fit. Of course, Allah Subhan Wa Ta'ala Is The One in Charge and He Is The One who sends people their spouses.

[azc]

I am an asexual, meaning that I have absolutely no interest in intimate relations. They are actually physically painful for me, and I have seen a doctor about it and nothing can be done. I can feel love for other people, even romantic love (I have been married twice, once divorced and once widowed, both marriages taking place before my reversion to Islam), but I have no physical desire for others. I am also beyond the age where having children would be recommended, nor do I want any more children, so the question of starting a family is not an issue. I would like very much to be married again to a good Muslim man and enjoy companionship and following Allah's will with a partner in life. How do I approach this, knowing what most men would expect from a wife physically and knowing that I am unwilling to provide it, both for the sake of my health and my own personal well being? I know being asexual is not haraam - the good part is I have absolutely no interest in zina! ;D - but I do not want a husband to enter into marriage without knowing this and it seems to me to be a poor conversation to have with him or with his parents. I have no idea how to handle it. What would my brothers and sisters advise?I hope that this is okay to ask on the boards, and my sincerest apologies in advance if it is overstepping any bounds.Jazak Allah Khair!

I don't think any MAN can agree for this kind of platonic relationship...

[bilal ahmad Mir]

asalamu alaikum, sister It is impossible for a man to marry someone without having physical intimacy. May Allah change your circumstances.

[sister herb]

asalamu alaikum, sister It is impossible for a man to marry someone without having physical intimacy. May Allah change your circumstances.

Note that a man too can be asexual. So don´t say it is impossible as people are different.

[keiv]

I don't think any MAN can agree for this kind of platonic relationship...

asalamu alaikum, sister It is impossible for a man to marry someone without having physical intimacy. May Allah change your circumstances.

Apparently, neither of you read through the thread ^o)

[Born_Believer]

I am an asexual, meaning that I have absolutely no interest in intimate relations. They are actually physically painful for me, and I have seen a doctor about it and nothing can be done. I can feel love for other people, even romantic love (I have been married twice, once divorced and once widowed, both marriages taking place before my reversion to Islam), but I have no physical desire for others. I am also beyond the age where having children would be recommended, nor do I want any more children, so the question of starting a family is not an issue.

I would like very much to be married again to a good Muslim man and enjoy companionship and following Allah's will with a partner in life. How do I approach this, knowing what most men would expect from a wife physically and knowing that I am unwilling to provide it, both for the sake of my health and my own personal well being? I know being asexual is not haraam - the good part is I have absolutely no interest in zina! ;D - but I do not want a husband to enter into marriage without knowing this and it seems to me to be a poor conversation to have with him or with his parents. I have no idea how to handle it. What would my brothers and sisters advise?

I hope that this is okay to ask on the boards, and my sincerest apologies in advance if it is overstepping any bounds.

Jazak Allah Khair!

If you're at an age where you are not able to bare children (assuming you're a caucasian woman that normally means you mus tbe late 40s to 50+) it is normal to have a decrease in sexual appetite (if that's the best way to put it). However, you say you do not want any sex, which is quite unusual. I will not ask you why but is it because of an issue in your earlier life (no need to answer)? If so, then you may want to work through that first before getting married again.

If there is no previous issue then I highly doubt you will find a man, even one in ... let's say, advanced years, who will be able to not have any sex. It just will not happen or is extremely rare. So in such an instance, why get married? If you desire companionship, just keep close friends and of course, keep remembering Allah.

A marriage with no intimacy is probably impossible.