How do I convince my parents that cousin marriage is halal and acceptable?

[Mustafa16]

I'm in love with my cousin, and I want to marry her after I graduate college and get a well paying job....but my mother and father both say it is incest, and won't let me....what should I do? they won't listen no matter how much I quote the Quran.....

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Someone asked Maulana A.S. Desai (Mujlisul Ulama of South Africa) about the claim that it is not permissible for a person to marry his or her cousin, so he replied:

"This claim is baseless. It is permissible to marry within the immediate family. There is no Shar’i prohibition in this regard. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) was married to his first cousin, Hadhrat Zainab Bint Jahsh (radhiallahu anha). Hadhrat Ali (radhiallahu anhu) married Hadhrat Faatimah (radhiallahu anha) who was his cousin’s (i.e. Rasulullah’s) daughter. Hadhrat Uthmaan (radhiallanu anhu) married two daughters of Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam). When the one died, he married the other.
When the second one died, Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said that if he had another daughter, he would have married her too to Hadhrat Uthmaan (radhiallahu anhu). He too was of Rasulullah’s immediate family being cousin’s son. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) proposed marriage to Umm-e-Haani (radhiallahu anha), his first cousin. However, being a widow, with children, she reluctantly refused the proposal. Rasulullah’s two daughters were married to their first cousins, the sons of Abu Lahab. The entire Quraish was one big family whose members married one another. From the earliest epoch of Islam it has always been the practice of the nobility to marry within the immediate family. There is thus no substance in the claim of prohibition. Cousins are not mahrams. Marriage between cousins is perfectly permissible."

I think that answers it nicely.

[Mustafa16]

Someone asked Maulana A.S. Desai (Mujlisul Ulama of South Africa) about the claim that it is not permissible for a person to marry his or her cousin, so he replied:

"This claim is baseless. It is permissible to marry within the immediate family. There is no Shar’i prohibition in this regard. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) was married to his first cousin, Hadhrat Zainab Bint Jahsh (radhiallahu anha). Hadhrat Ali (radhiallahu anhu) married Hadhrat Faatimah (radhiallahu anha) who was his cousin’s (i.e. Rasulullah’s) daughter. Hadhrat Uthmaan (radhiallanu anhu) married two daughters of Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam). When the one died, he married the other.
When the second one died, Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said that if he had another daughter, he would have married her too to Hadhrat Uthmaan (radhiallahu anhu). He too was of Rasulullah’s immediate family being cousin’s son. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) proposed marriage to Umm-e-Haani (radhiallahu anha), his first cousin. However, being a widow, with children, she reluctantly refused the proposal. Rasulullah’s two daughters were married to their first cousins, the sons of Abu Lahab. The entire Quraish was one big family whose members married one another. From the earliest epoch of Islam it has always been the practice of the nobility to marry within the immediate family. There is thus no substance in the claim of prohibition. Cousins are not mahrams. Marriage between cousins is perfectly permissible."

I think that answers it nicely.

my mother's answer is always the same....."hangi devrede yashiyorsun???" ("what era are you living in???" in Turkish)......my dad's a bit of a modernist, too

[Mustafa16]

also, in addition to her belief in modernity, she is afraid of family unity being broken if I get a divorce or have conflict with my future wife...

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[ardianto]

Just because something is halal, doesn't mean it must, and cannot be prohibited.

My honest advice is, ..... avoid conflict with your parent, and marry another girl who is not your cousin.

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Anything which the Sharee`ah has made Halaal is Halaal; no one can prohibit it. For different reasons and different circumstances, people can advise against it, like how people advise against eating the meat of the Ahl-e-Kitaab of today and marrying their women; however, it is not the prerogative of any person to make Haraam what Allaah Ta`aalaa has made Halaal.

You are in love with this woman. It is unjust to ask you to marry someone else when it is her that you want to marry. Unless she herself refuses to marry you, I suggest that you continue trying to convince your parents. Maybe In Shaa Allaah they will come around to it.

[cooterhein]

Okay, couple of things. First, AFLP (Amplified Fragment Length Polymorphism) is a polymerous chain reaction based tool used in genetics research. In simplified terms, it calculates the amount of sameness between your DNA and the DNA of anyone else, which indicates just Exactly how closely related you are and gives you an idea of the degree of risk for incest-related birth defects. Not all cousins are going to be in exactly the same place. On average, yes, there is a certain range where a cousin is expected to be relative to you. And under normal circumstances, you and your cousin being together is not going to be a problem vis a vis children and birth defects. But it does yield a situation where these hypothetical children are going to have more AFLP markers in common with Their cousins than you have with Your cousins, and the more this sort of thing happens, the amount of genetic variation between cousins becomes less and less. It can lead to a situation where, from a genetic marker standpoint, having kids by your cousin carries about the same risk as having kids by your half-sister. (A sibling with whom you share one parent, not two). So for one thing, there is a possibility that some of this has happened in your family tree that you don't necessarily know about. The genetic risk may be higher than you would initially estimate, you don't really know until you check it out. And for two things, this is a proposed course of action that probably (maybe?) doesn't pose grave risk to you or yours, but it does introduce an incremental risk factor to your family tree that may affect other people down the line. Sort of like how you might be affected by what your ancestors did.

The second thing is from a non-scientific, non-genetic perspective. Just from the standpoint of human relationships, is this someone who you sort of grew up with? I remember you saying you're 17, you're still a minor for goodness' sake, so it does seem like you grew up around each other as kids and as family members. Again, just from a relationship standpoint, it would be a different situation if you'd met her while getting your degree or after you'd gotten that good paying job, then you meet your cousin as an adult and things happen. But that's not your starting point. You did know each other as kids (don't know exactly how young, but as minors anyway) with your parents and her parents bringing you up, while knowing each other, with the expectation that you're family and you won't go on to pursue a relationship as if you weren't.

Regardless of what may have happened in early Islamic history- back when men could have easily been married by now, without worrying about school or the kind of job that you want. When some Muslim men could look forward to having up to four wives (why would you look forward to that?) When Muslim men could also look forward to owning slaves, and maybe killing some kaffir and taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves. (But treating them really well, of course, and we should always make a priority of seeing how well the slave owners were pleased with the situation). And yes, Muslim men would also sometimes marry their cousins. But even with that, yes Even with that, a cousin could be a mahram if the two of your grew up around each other as kids. That has always been a part of how mahrams are identified, at least this is what I've been led to believe and would someone please tell me if that's wrong and provide a source, maybe a fatwah that's really specific to this distinction.

The point is, some things change. You accept that you need to do a couple of things in order to support a family in your current situation. If you go back through Islamic history, you will find Muslim men who were married by your age, but their situation was different. You accept this. You accept that you can't own slaves now, sex slaves or otherwise. Going back through Islamic history, you will find plenty of Muslims who had both kinds of slaves. That doesn't mean you get to, because you really are in a different situation now. And congratulations, you found some examples of Muslims who married their cousins. Presumably after growing up independently, without being around each other as kids, and then meeting as adults and getting married. I assume. I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to work. You want to check on that? It's a worthwhile distinction to make. At any rate, this is something that's changed a bit as well, and maybe not even by all that much. I'm fairly certain that if you grew up around your cousin as a kid, both of you knowing you're family, that makes you mahram to each other. There is a social component to this. Of course I'm not a Muslim, but as far as I'm aware, the reluctance your parents have is quite understandable and not just from a modernist standpoint.

[Mustafa16]

Okay, couple of things. First, AFLP (Amplified Fragment Length Polymorphism) is a polymerous chain reaction based tool used in genetics research. In simplified terms, it calculates the amount of sameness between your DNA and the DNA of anyone else, which indicates just Exactly how closely related you are and gives you an idea of the degree of risk for incest-related birth defects. Not all cousins are going to be in exactly the same place. On average, yes, there is a certain range where a cousin is expected to be relative to you. And under normal circumstances, you and your cousin being together is not going to be a problem vis a vis children and birth defects. But it does yield a situation where these hypothetical children are going to have more AFLP markers in common with Their cousins than you have with Your cousins, and the more this sort of thing happens, the amount of genetic variation between cousins becomes less and less. It can lead to a situation where, from a genetic marker standpoint, having kids by your cousin carries about the same risk as having kids by your half-sister. (A sibling with whom you share one parent, not two). So for one thing, there is a possibility that some of this has happened in your family tree that you don't necessarily know about. The genetic risk may be higher than you would initially estimate, you don't really know until you check it out. And for two things, this is a proposed course of action that probably (maybe?) doesn't pose grave risk to you or yours, but it does introduce an incremental risk factor to your family tree that may affect other people down the line. Sort of like how you might be affected by what your ancestors did.

The second thing is from a non-scientific, non-genetic perspective. Just from the standpoint of human relationships, is this someone who you sort of grew up with? I remember you saying you're 17, you're still a minor for goodness' sake, so it does seem like you grew up around each other as kids and as family members. Again, just from a relationship standpoint, it would be a different situation if you'd met her while getting your degree or after you'd gotten that good paying job, then you meet your cousin as an adult and things happen. But that's not your starting point. You did know each other as kids (don't know exactly how young, but as minors anyway) with your parents and her parents bringing you up, while knowing each other, with the expectation that you're family and you won't go on to pursue a relationship as if you weren't.

Regardless of what may have happened in early Islamic history- back when men could have easily been married by now, without worrying about school or the kind of job that you want. When some Muslim men could look forward to having up to four wives (why would you look forward to that?) When Muslim men could also look forward to owning slaves, and maybe killing some kaffir and taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves. (But treating them really well, of course, and we should always make a priority of seeing how well the slave owners were pleased with the situation). And yes, Muslim men would also sometimes marry their cousins. But even with that, yes Even with that, a cousin could be a mahram if the two of your grew up around each other as kids. That has always been a part of how mahrams are identified, at least this is what I've been led to believe and would someone please tell me if that's wrong and provide a source, maybe a fatwah that's really specific to this distinction.

The point is, some things change. You accept that you need to do a couple of things in order to support a family in your current situation. If you go back through Islamic history, you will find Muslim men who were married by your age, but their situation was different. You accept this. You accept that you can't own slaves now, sex slaves or otherwise. Going back through Islamic history, you will find plenty of Muslims who had both kinds of slaves. That doesn't mean you get to, because you really are in a different situation now. And congratulations, you found some examples of Muslims who married their cousins. Presumably after growing up independently, without being around each other as kids, and then meeting as adults and getting married. I assume. I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to work. You want to check on that? It's a worthwhile distinction to make. At any rate, this is something that's changed a bit as well, and maybe not even by all that much. I'm fairly certain that if you grew up around your cousin as a kid, both of you knowing you're family, that makes you mahram to each other. There is a social component to this. Of course I'm not a Muslim, but as far as I'm aware, the reluctance your parents have is quite understandable and not just from a modernist standpoint.

I grew up with my childhood sweetheart who I was planning on marrying earlier.....from when I was 5 to when I was 8 or 10........(up until a few weeks ago i wanted to marry her)....nobody said anything then, in fact, people thought it was romantic......spending time together as kids does not necessarily mean you can not marry them.....

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Growing up with one's cousin never makes them one's Mahram. They remain a cousin whom it is permissible to marry. For details concerning what a Mahram is and who all one's Mahrams are, see the following Fatwaa by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam:

http://seekershub.org/ans-blog/2009/...who-is-mahram/

[Little_Lion]

Growing up with one's cousin never makes them one's Mahram.

UNLESS they were breastfed together, is my understanding. For example, my mother and aunt each fed myself and my male cousin. Now we never had any intentions of being married, but it is my understanding that we could not be if we wanted to?

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

UNLESS they were breastfed together, is my understanding. For example, my mother and aunt each fed myself and my male cousin. Now we never had any intentions of being married, but it is my understanding that we could not be if we wanted to?

Yes, absolutely. If a person has a cousin who was breastfed by their very own mother (when that cousin was younger than two and a half years of age), then a foster (Radhaa`ah) relationship has formed between the mother and this cousin and between this person and his or her cousin, and this relationship makes marriage Haraam. That person will now be not just a cousin, but a Mahram as well on account of being a foster brother.

[Kiro]

Ali ibn Talib married his cousin who was the daughter of the Prophet :saw1:, Lady Fatima

[Mustafa16]

Ali ibn Talib married his cousin who was the daughter of the Prophet :saw1:, Lady Fatima

see, the problem is, when I tell my mother that it doesn't work because she just says, "that was a different time, what era are you living in????"

[Kiro]

see, the problem is, when I tell my mother that it doesn't work because she just says, "that was a different time, what era are you living in????"

Would that logic apply to the miswaak

also show the verse about who us haram for you

[Little_Lion]

I believe you said at one point that your family originated from Turkey, yes? Do you have a grandmother or grandfather, maybe still in Turkey, who is more traditional in Islamic interpretation that might speak to your parents on your behalf?

Also, I do not believe you mentioned, does your cousin want to marry you? What does her family think?

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Which era are we living in? Let's see: We're living in 2016. Which era was Salaah, Zakaah, fasting, Hajj, Wudhoo, Ghusl, etc. all revealed in Islaam? 1,400+ years ago. If era is to be the deciding factor, then we'll have to do away with all of these things first. The whole Islaam, in fact, because the whole Islaam was revealed in a whole different era.

No. Islaam was revealed by Allaah Ta`aalaa, for all time. For our time just as much as it was for the time of the Sahaabah. Islaam is timeless. The Sharee`ah of Islaam is the last Sharee`ah ever to be revealed by Allaah Ta`aalaa, and it is to continue until this Dunyaa is destroyed.

[Kiro]

Yeah you need imams to come to your house

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Once you've gotten a job and financially stable, you could just go right ahead and marry her if she's willing. That would have the additional benefit of showing to people that marrying of cousins is permissible, because cousins are not Mahrams. Unless, as our respected sister Little_Lion has pointed out, that cousin has been breastfed by your mother (while said cousin was younger than two and a half years).

[Umm Abed]

If possible, I would say that you wait at least six months to a year and see if you still have those same feelings, in which case you can go ahead and marry her. In that way you know there is no changing of how you feel about her.

I suggested the wait due to your parents' disapproval, but then again one cannot make haram what Allah has made halal.

[mission2succeed]

I'm in love with my cousin, and I want to marry her after I graduate college and get a well paying job....but my mother and father both say it is incest, and won't let me....what should I do? they won't listen no matter how much I quote the Quran.....

Subhanallah brother your the first case I've come across. The usual problem is many parents due to being illiterate, backward and culturally blinded force their children to marry cousins instead of allowing them to go outside the family.

[sister herb]

Regardless of what may have happened in early Islamic history- back when men could have easily been married by now, without worrying about school or the kind of job that you want. When some Muslim men could look forward to having up to four wives (why would you look forward to that?) When Muslim men could also look forward to owning slaves, and maybe killing some kaffir and taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves. (But treating them really well, of course, and we should always make a priority of seeing how well the slave owners were pleased with the situation). And yes, Muslim men would also sometimes marry their cousins.

The point is, some things change.

I am wondering what´s the problem to marry a cousin and what that has to do with ancient eras - or at the least to Islamic history. My country, Finland, hasn´t never been islamic country but still - marrying your cousin is totally legal.

Also at 2016.


By the way, in Islam hasn´t never been sex slaves.

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Subhanallah brother your the first case I've come across. The usual problem is many parents due to being illiterate, backward and culturally blinded force their children to marry cousins instead of allowing them to go outside the family.

That's true. That's again the other extreme. On the one side you have people who want to make it Haraam and on the other side you have people who want to make it Fardh...

People must learn to adopt the middle path in their affairs.

[mission2succeed]

That's true. That's again the other extreme. On the one side you have people who want to make it Haraam and on the other side you have people who want to make it Fardh...

People must learn to adopt the middle path in their affairs.

Just like the straight path no turning right or left!

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Absolutely.

Rasoolullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم taught us to adopt moderation in everything.

[noraina]

Within my family nearly 95% of marriages be to a cousin. My family are fairly 'liberal' so to speak, and they don't force their children to get married to their cousins, but it's an age old tradition going way back. I suppose it's an expected norm no-one really thinks to cross? My parents aren't cousins though, and in my father's time his family thought it was unusual, but they were happy and didn't mind.

But yes brother Huzaifah put it perfecly, some people make it haraam and others make it fardh. Very simply put, the focus should be on marrying a righteous spouse with good character, whether they are related to you or not, it shouldn't matter.

I would suggest perhaps giving your parents some time to think it over and try to see if you can convince them. You're 17 and probably only just told them, sometimes it can be hard for people to loosen their grip on a belief or opinion they have held onto their whole life, give them some time, and make plenty of dua, inshaAllah.

[Mustafa16]

Thank you everyone for your replies I really appreciate it.......

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

May Allaah Ta`aalaa let the two of you get married, Aameen.

[ardianto]

My maternal grandpa and grandma were cousin. But I have my own reason to prevent you from desire to marry your cousin. Your situation.

My grandpa and grandma were adult when they fell in love to each other. So they decided to get married although Javanese culture against cousin marriage. But in your situation?. You fall in love with your cousin, while your cousin doesn't. She just see you as cousin, not more. I can see it in her attitude that you described in your another thread. And if you try to tell her that you want to marry her, it will only break your relationship with her and her family again. Like ever happened before.

Your are still too young, Mustafa. You must still learn much about love. You are still to easy to be deceived by your own feeling, like many other teens.

So my advice is try to eliminate your special feeling to your cousin, and focus to your study. And consider the situation before you think to marry your cousin. However, if in the future your cousin has special feeling to you too. Okay, you can try to convince your parents and her parents to approve.

Remember what I've ever told you. I am not 17 years old boy like you. But I am father of 17 years old boy. And this is the advice that I can give to the youth like you.

[cooterhein]

I am wondering what´s the problem to marry a cousin and what that has to do with ancient eras - or at the least to Islamic history. My country, Finland, hasn´t never been islamic country but still - marrying your cousin is totally legal.

Also at 2016.

It is perfectly legal, and under normal circumstances there's no great risk in it. But there is something we understand now that nobody in ancient eras understood- if this is done quite a lot, over time it becomes much more risky and much less safe. Under less normal circumstances, the genetic variance between cousins can shrink to really worrisome levels, and each time cousins marry it brings their family tree one step closer to that. In a sense, it's a fly in the ointment that doesn't really have to be there

By the way, in Islam hasn´t never been sex slaves.

In fact there has, and the Islamic slave trade in every empire or caliphate has skewed heavily to the female side of things. The Atlantic slave trade dealt mostly with men, but the Islamic slave trade has always been about 75% women that were bought and sold. And as a matter of fact, some Swedish history has recently come to light that implicates your neighbors to some extent. Check this out.
http://www.thelocal.se/20120113/38486

You're familiar with the Topkapi Palace of the Ottoman Empire? That contained some of the most lavish facilities for sex slaves in all of history, and that was up and running right through the start of World War I. The most women that were ever housed there was about 400, and it was extremely lavish. There's plenty of history to look at when it comes to that place, quite a few in-depth historical treatments of certain women and if I remember correctly the most powerful eunuch in world history was associated with that place as well. Life improved for these sex slaves if they became pregnant of course, and some were fortunate enough to become wives and shed the slave designation. Circassian beauties were especially favored, I'm not exactly sure why but I suppose the most powerful Ottomans had a particular taste.

Topkapi Palace is not representative of all sex slaves of course, that's just the most obvious thing that has a lot of written material and scholarship attached to it. Also, if you look back at the history of threads I've started, one of the first ones had to do with Sharia law on the Indian subcontinent courtesy of the Mughal Empire. If you want, you can look at that follow the links and tell me whether or not you think sex slaves were permissible for Muslim men to capture and keep according to Sharia law on the subcontinent from the early 18th century through the early 20th.

And on a potentially-more-sensitive note, do you recognize the names Juwairiya bint al-Harith and Rayhana bint Zayd? They were married at one point in time- then suddenly and tragically widowed- and then they spent a little bit of time not being married and then both of them did marry again. To the same man, oddly enough, which is definitely not legal under the law of your country, Finland, in 2016.

That's not really the point, though. My question is this. During the period of time in between their husbands being killed and their marriage to a new husband, what was the nature of their employment during that intervening period, would you describe that situation as one of freedom or enslavement, and what do you suppose the compensation package consisted of for whatever services were being rendered? Just a little something I'm curious about.

This is a bit off the topic, so we don't have to go too far into it, just know that I could dig a little deeper and come up with the names of some concubines who never did become wives. Acknowledge this briefly and then we can move right along.

[ardianto]

I am wondering what´s the problem to marry a cousin and what that has to do with ancient eras - or at the least to Islamic history. My country, Finland, hasn´t never been islamic country but still - marrying your cousin is totally legal.

Cousin marriage is purely cultural and has nothing to do with Islam. Islam does not forbid and also does not encourage cousin marriage. In some societies cousin marriage is encouraged, while in other societies cousin marriage is disliked and even considered as taboo. It's depend on the pattern of family ties and type of society. The custom of cousin marriage is strong only in clan based societies like Pakistan.