New marriage - boring/uninteresting advice

[lostsoul2016]

I posted a thread but my computer crashed! Errr...

Salam brothers and sisters.

I am recently newly married Alhumdulilah. She is "of the book" (not a Muslim) but is a believer and understands Islam. Inshallah maybe one day she will revert.
However I am very worried and concerned and feel ashamed. Normally, she isn't the type I would go for but because of her understanding and being a believer, this is of course the important thing.

The problem is, she isn't talkative. I make her laugh a lot but I don't get anything back from her. No conversations or being "fun" or "goofy". I asked her if she is ok or if she is nervous or shy or anything but no is the answer. She has a nice heart and a wonderful (adult) daughter too but I feel that I cannot get along with someone who is very quiet, who doesn't engage in much .... and for someone who works during the nights only and sleeps during the day, what kind of life would this lead?

Granted it is early days but it still does not seem fair that I cannot be myself or feel good if I am unable to get anything back from her. There is no real common ground (besides our faith and our view on the world). I am not that attracted to her physically (which really is not the high priority....) and is not normally the type I would go for however again, she does have a good heart but she is very quiet.

I don't know what to do. I am scared and nervous and its like I would be disobeying Allah SWT if we annul and do a Talaq. I am almost in my prime of my life too and I cannot imagine for either one of us to be in a situation of just literally living a life of...watching paint dry.
No conversations of any kind besides "oh that Donald trump..." or "another bombing"... or whatever. She doesn't engage in conversations much and she is not nervous or shy either (I did ask).

I do make her laugh a lot but come on, you cannot be serious 100% of the time and only have customaries (i.e hello, how are you?).

I don't know what to do. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I cannot be myself around someone and not get what I need out of a marriage/relationship. Wouldn't be fair on me and also her in that what if there is a better match more suited for her?

We live in 2 different countries and I will be moving near to her/with her soon Inshallah but imagine just not having conversations.... and at the prime of your lives. No joking around or goofing around.... she wears a lot of casual clothing (jeans) which is fine but would be nice if maybe she dressed up more perhaps? But again these are just... nice to have rather than importance. I just don't know what to do.

We both wanted to get married. It was time for both of us and Allah SWT seemed to make it happen for us with the timing and everything, how things fell in place. We spoke only about serious/important matters (me following as much as I can in terms of Islamic rules when seeking a spouse) and it all seems just fine but now when we were spending some time together... there just wasn't anything to do or talk about.

[skypilot]

This is so confusing.. Did someone force you to get married?

[skypilot]

Why marry a non-Muslim who you don't even find attractive, neither physically nor otherwise, and you can't even live in the same house? I don't understand why you would marry someone you don't like.

[Hafiz Ikram]

This happens to almost every body. There is not always much to talk about. Besides, more talk, more arguments and more chances of break up. You need to understand her nature and react accordingly. Don't over react to this as this is only normal.

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[noraina]

Wa alaykum assalam,

I'm not married, so maybe I can't directly relate. It appears like you married her because you liked her character, that's a strong reason to marry someone and whatever else may happen in life, someone's character stays the same and so the reason you chose her as your wife will always remain the same. And may Allah swt soon guide her, ameen.

I think the fact that you are living in different countries at the moment could be a reason for the lack of conversation. I'm just not good at speaking over the phone or over skype/whatever, she could be the same and just find it very awkward. Also, because your newly married, it can take time to get know someone. I have always heard the first few years of marriage can be an uphill climb, then from there it gets easier inshaAllah.

You should honestly give it time, wait until you are living together and have spent some time with one another. Marriage ain't easy and it's also a lifelong commitment, it'll need time and effort to work and now you have made the decision you have to be willing to put that in.

[greenhill]

I am confused.

I think you should print your post and give it to her.

She might understand what you you have not been able to say to her. Get her to talk about it. If not in islam you are allowed more than one wife.



:peace:

[lostsoul2016]

noraina has been the sole individual here who actually has understood and read the post rather than judging, coming to some conclusion instead of adding words in my mouth or believing things which are not even in my post!

brothers and sisters - I am disappointed. you should be helping and not being unhelpful and snarky.
Print out this post and show it? Is this how your marriage works? Wow.... great advice!


To the mature and sensible people:

indeed, character is good. The fact that we are in 2 different countries really isn't the issue. its just... there is no conversation. That I guess is how she is/her personality. I just need, as I said, someone who engages in things, in conversation and is fun to be around... after all, that is what one wants when you are looking for a spouse is it not?

[skypilot]

I didn't mean to be snarky or anything, it's just that you make it sound like you don't like her. Like, you sounded like you were really emphasizing that point.

[Nobody's Girl]

I can relate to your newly wedded wife, I am not much of a talker. She maybe just really shy around you, maybe you intimidate her in some way. I think age is a really important issue. You seem to be a middle-aged man so is she if she already has an adult daughter. I would advise you to speak to her up close and be honest in expressing your feelings towards her silence. If she is the quiet type, then I'm sorry I'm afraid there's not much you can do. Perhaps you should take her out occasionally and tell her how much you love and appreciate it when she dresses up for you. I know this might be hard but put more effort in trying to talk to her.


All the best.

[Little_Lion]

Writing her a letter and voicing your concerns is actually very good advice. Sometimes we are able to say things better in writing than we can in person; in fact, many marriage counselors recommend doing this even between couples that live together so that they can open up communication.

She may simply be an introvert, and the quiet type. But you may find more things to talk about if you find common interests, such as hobbies or books. What does she like to read and do in her free time?

[Lisa921]

She may not be able to express herself well over skype/video/voice calls...like the others have said you should write to her in email.
Women respond better to email than men and I know men hate sending email whereas women often hate constant video chatting...why not meet her halfway and
send a thoughtful email to her half the time you want to contact her. It might get her to understand your thoughts more and open up to you.

I personally don't even bother responding to video/voice chat requests anymore for people and I have deleted my skype accouts (yes two of them). When it comes to communication online then email is my go-to method. I have two sisters too and they both would probably say the same about preferring emails to voice/video calls.

Much more easy to leave a thoughtful message...

[Scimitar]

I am confused.

I think you should print your post and give it to her.

She might understand what you you have not been able to say to her. Get her to talk about it. If not in islam you are allowed more than one wife.

:peace:

I take issue with this kind of advice... how did you determine this would be a warranted course of action? :D

He can't even keep one wife properly, and you want him to take 2 3 AND 4????

insanity

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Firstly, congrats on getting married--it's what you've been asking us about for a while now so I'm happy you finally got to it :D

Secondly, I think you both just have different personalities. Perhaps your expectations of her are high and she did not meet those expectations after marriage. Life is a lot different when living together vs a long distance relationship, so it could very well be that this is the reason that you are feeling towards her the way you do. If you're both doing the same thing everyday then there really may just not be much for her to discuss. I can understand your frustrations of not being able to connect with her the way you'd like to, but it may take some work, or maybe she doesn't really feel that there is a problem as much as you do and therefore she is content with the way things are and doesn't feel there needs to be a change. You will have to communicate your concerns to her, especially if you plan on spending the rest of your life with her.

[skypilot]

I think most people here have never been in this kind of situation. Everyone's just sharing whatever they can think of that they think could be useful. A lot of it will actually not be useful. Doesn't mean everyone needs to start getting offended by each other's ideas.

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you lostsoul2016;

The definition of marriage that I like is this, an imperfect man, marries an imperfect woman, they have imperfect children and live in an imperfect world, marriage is going to be a struggle. I have only been married for thirty one years, and I can truthfully say, that I have little in common with my wife.

Couples start off with good intentions, but underestimate the amount of patience, resilience and perseverance that is needed, marriage is hard work, and couples just seem to give up too easily. All problems are there to test your kindness and forgiveness, can you keep going when the going gets tough.

You both seem to have a faith, and marriage is one of the biggest tests of faith that we go through.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a great mystery, Lord grant me the peace and serenity to live this day and every day, knowing that you hold me in the palm of your hand.

May you and your spouse be a blessing to each other.

Eric