Thinking of Ex but Married

[anonymous]

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:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

Welcome to IB, sis! And I'm really sorry to hear all this, and I truly sympathize.Sister, you're a revert; so, I'm assuming you're somewhat at least familiar with the concept of "He's just not that into you." If you're not, I'd recommend you read the book of the same name because even though the book is written by a non-Muslim, it has a few home truths that you need to learn to let go of this other man.

Sis, believe me, you're not in love with this other man; you're in love with the fantasy of what this other man represented to you which is your innocence and your own longing of him; it doesn't represent his own feelings for you. Don't be taken in by lures of Satan and ruin your marriage and your iman (faith) and your future for the uncertainty of wanting what this other man represents who's not even any longer in your life to know or care about that longing.

The funny thing is I know what you're suffering. Approximately two years ago, I fell for someone too. I thought he was the greatest person ever and that we had awesome chemistry, but as I found out later, he turned out to be so completely different to what I'd imagined and it took me a long time to accept that I had fallen for my own fantasy of what he was and not what he truly is. Uh, I can't describe to you how heartbreaking that was, and I know I cried my share of tears. But in the end, you know what? I'm so grateful today that I'm not married with this person because I don't think he would have appreciated me as an individual and probably would have been one of the worst decisions of my life. And you know what? I even used to blame Allah for sometimes taking this person away from me, but I am now so grateful that Allah in His Wisdom did not let that marriage happen.

I think probably the same is true for this other man; I mean, come on, sis: The man had been pressuring you to have sex before marriage before you were ready and also knowing that this action is completely forbidden in his religion. He took you and your love for granted. If he really did love you, he'd have understood your reservations and respected you wanting to share your body with a person who offered you honor in marriage. Please don't make excuses for this man. Sure, he may have changed for the better; and while it is true that some people do change, most often, most people like him don't change. Take what he said as closure and as a divine sign instead that you were right for making the decision to not be with him.

Finally, I'm assuming that your husband was a virgin before marriage as well? If so, him not being able to please you might have something to do with that. And so maybe you both can go on a journey of experimentation of each other's bodies specific to as to what would bring you pleasure because I'm sure doing that would heighten his pleasure too and make him feel great about being a success in the bedroom with you. And I also suggest that you try to get close to him with things that you think you'd both enjoy and try to learn one another; I'm not saying, by the way, that you should stay in this marriage if you feel strongly about ending it. I'm, however, saying that it's too early to jump out of the ship because it seems that you not being able to connect with your husband has a lot to do psychologically with the fantasy of what you looking at the past through rose-tinted vision and also having that rose-tinted vision of what future would have been like with that other man. However, fantasy is not reality: What you're experiencing is a mirage in the desert that looks good but is not real. And I don't think it's wise to give up what is real for a mirage.

If you still continue to feel this way, strongly suggest that you pray the Istikhara prayer about ending this marriage and see how Allah then guides your heart in the days following that prayer. I don't know what is right for you, sis, or your future, but I do know one thing: Allah will never guide you wrong if you recite the Istikhar​a prayer.

*Hugs*

Wishing you the best, sis,

P.S. Give us an update when you've thought things through. Barkallahu feeki (may Allah bless you).

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

[Little_Lion]

Wa'aleikum asalaam, sister!

If you did not get the notification, one of our other sisters has duplicated your post in the Ladies section (just scroll down to the bottom of the lists of forum topics and you should see it at the very bottom there). I've answered your question there. If you want to talk privately to someone who was married to a non-Muslim, by all means insha'Allah drop me a private message and I'm more than happy to chat with you. :)

[HayahMtq]

Oh I didn't know that. Jazakallah khair. I'll check :)

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:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

Oh I didn't know that. Jazakallah khair. I'll check :)

Sis, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings as I think my post might have been blunt, and I apologize if that was the case as it wasn't my intention. That said, I remembered a tip, which I think would be useful for you: I don't think you should judge your feelings for your ex. I think it's normal in a way for you to think about him because we all have those feelings when we haven't quite made complete peace with the past or when we aren't as happy in the moment or in our life as we'd thought we'd be. Remember though that relationships always end for a reason.

Here are some further tips that I think might be useful to you to cope with your situation.
1. Keep yourself protected with healthy boundaries in never letting your ex contact you for any reason no matter how benign. I know you said that you're not in contact with him because that's haram (forbidden), and that's a beautiful and healthy deed in terms of your iman (faith) and your character, sister. So, please commend yourself for being a strong and committed woman.
2. Let go of the dream of what might-have-been and recall that your dream is a mourning process for what the relationship could have been but never was. A good strategy for getting over the pain over your ex is to write down every painful thing that happened during the relationship that led to its demise to which your ex contributed and read the descriptions of how each hurtful thing made you feel to put your past into perspective.
3. Make peace with yourself and Allah that things didn't work out. Remember that Allah loves us more than 70 mothers and always wants the best for us and whether we understand it or not at the time, Allah doesn't sometimes let things work out of His Infinite Wisdom to protect you from further pain, hurt, or self-destruction.
4. Learn to think of what happened as a learning experience. You yourself said that as a result of you being in a relationship with him, you decided to study Islam and converted of your own accord. Remember that things happen for a reason in our life, and maybe his only role in your life as destined was to be the agent of a positive change in your life in your embracing Islam. Also, know that love is never wrong. Just sometimes the heart is misled into loving someone who's not destined to be our life partner. Conceptualize what happened not as a loss but as a transition to self-discovery and positive changes.
5. Love yourself more. Practice self-forgiveness as a form of self-love. In hindsight, you may now feel that you could have done things differently for a different outcome in that relationship with your ex, but it is impossible to know how different the outcome would have been. Also, know that it is okay to have a first year of marriage in which you're not as passionate about your husband or your life. Think about the ways, however, in which you can improve your life as an independent and self-fulfilled woman and then pursue those improvements with the idea of giving yourself the best of you.

Best Wishes, :)

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

[piXie]

:sl:

You should seek Allahs help through repentance and remembrance of Him, and make the following dua


"رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامً"

Rabbana hab lana min 'azwaajinaa wa durriy yaatina qurrata 'a'yun waja'alna lil muttaqeena imaama.

"Our Lord! Grant us in our spouses and offspring the coolness of eyes
and make us a leader of those who guard themselves against evil"

[hisnameiszzz]

Hello you,

I am not a lady and I have never been in love so I can't help you with that, but I was very fond of someone a good few years ago. Though our stories are completely different, I will tell you my story. It was not meant to be and I won't go into gory details but like you I could not stop thinking about that person. That person was in my thoughts day and night, at work, when I woke up, even when I went for a poop. I genuinely thought I would never get over that person. The feelings remained for a year, two years, three years. And then one day I snapped out of it and do not think about that person at all. To this day, I do not think about that person since that "snap" happened.

It's a bit like when someone close to you passes away. You cry, you depress, you are upset, you think your life is going to end, you can't get over it and get weaker and weaker as each day passes. People keep saying give it time, it will get better. It doesn't seem to happen and them BOOM, it does and you stop thinking about that person every day.

Don't talk about divorce. If you divorced this nice gentleman you are with now to maybe get back with your ex and you find out he is a moose, then you will feel even worse than you do now.

Like someone has mentioned, try to stop thinking about you ex and make yourself busy. Do you have any other past times that you could perhaps enjoy? Could you start a new hobby like baking or maybe even going to taalim to a sister's house and making new friends and getting to know your religion more?

There are heaps of tasbeehs you could pray to try and take your mind off him. I am not that pious to know them, but I am sure the good folk of IB will tell you all about them.

Keep in touch with everyone and let us know how you get on. Good luck.

[sister_39738]

Unfortunately, the romance industry has taught women that all marriage should be is passion and romance. It is not. You have to put things into a marriage. Meaning that you have to make an effort to be more romantic and you have to put passion into your marriage. If you want a better sex life work toward having one. Do you think once you get married romance, passion, and great sex would just happen? No, you have to make it work. This ex is just a test from Allah. Will you give in to temptation and continue to fantasize about your ex and eventually fall into an haram affair? Or will you make an effort to work on your marriage and find love and happiness with the man who is right in front of you, the man who actually made the effort to be with you in marriage? Ask your husband on a date. Try and fantasize about him. Tell him what you want in and out of the bedroom. If you actually try and build a happy marriage with your husband you will forget about your ex. You should thank Allah that he has provided you with half your deen.

[fhmn63]

Know that Once you have moved on ,Past is over . Let it finish because it will never be same even if you return to the previous man . And every marriage takes time. If your husband is notable to satisfy your romantic whims either you do the initiative or engage yourself in something you love .Devote more time to Allah and pray to Allah that he instill love in both of you.Life is a temporary abode.We will live happily with our partner in jannah in sha allah without Complains.So,let us strive for jannah.