Walaikum Asalaam,
One thing that is very clear to me and was striking is that both of you allowed so much anger and resentment in your lives that you have pushed away the chances for forgiveness and iman because of certain actions or words that have been said.
For example:
format_quote Originally Posted by
Aishath
He would bring up my past actions a lot and tell me about how I had ruined his life.
Bringing up someone's past actions causes a lot of resentment and is a way to guilt trip the other party. Neither of you should ever do that. If you forgive each other completely, then there's no reason to bring up the past even if the mistake is repeated again. As humans we constantly need reminders, and as a couple, there needs to be more kindness when it comes to correcting someone's mistakes. Saying "WELL, you used to do this and this, and you were a horrible person!!" is different than, "I love you, but you're repeating some things that you used to do and it upsets me a lot. I want to help you change from that, but if I'm the reason that makes you this way then you have to remind me to be better too."
My husband by this point really hated my mother for the negative things she has said and done and for how she had influenced my behavior towards him. [...]
He has told me that even if my mother dies he will not attend her funeral prayer and that if I live with him I have to be okay with it. What is hurting me is that I am really trying my best to be a better person but he no longer treats me with any respect.
Your husband should never make you feel resentment towards your mother. She's your mother, no matter how terrible of an influence she was on you. Our parents raise us the best way they know how, and perhaps that's how your mother was raised and so she raised you the same way. I can understand your husbands frustration towards her, but the moment he disrespects your family is where you have to stand your ground. As long as your mother is not involved in your life (which it doesn't seem like it) then he doesn't have any reason to talk about her. So even if he says something negative towards you, don't you ever harbor any negative feelings towards her. Otherwise you're being influenced in the same way by him as you were by her in the first place. You need to find your own identity and learn and grow from your mistakes to be a better version of your past self.
When my husband gets angry he throws things (he has stopped this habit now). He has physically pushed me into a glass balcony door. Alhamdulillah nothing happened. He swears at me and calls me names.
This is absolutely unacceptable. You both need to find ways to control your anger. If you feel the need to push his buttons, then just keep your mouth closed until the anger passes and you can discuss things with a right mind. If he feels the need to yell, curse, or be abusive, then he needs to go take a walk. And you both need to discuss this with each other and comply with it, because where things are going, it will only get worse if nothing changes.
We were at a restaurant and he got angry and said a lot of bad words at me and just walked out of there, leaving me alone. I was mortified and had to pay the cheque and walk out.
Your private matters should always remain private. I would be mortified if this happened in my life too. Your husband has to be your protector and guardian, yet not only did he insult you, but he left you there. This is not right at all. Again, you guys have to work on your anger issues. You have to be able to at least have a decent meal without anyone getting angry.
I picked up his phone and saw this chat log with another woman. I felt devastated. It was a friend from school. He had talked about how he got married too early and he had also flirted with her a lot. Sending her pictures of meals he had prepared for me and just generally flirting with her.
This is a sign that shaytan has really worked into the deepest parts of your marriage. Even if he wanted to "teach you a lesson" taking the haram route is not the way to do it. For him to talk to another woman so freely means he has already disconnected intimately with you.
That was the first day I didn't call him for Fajr.
This is another sign of shaytan working deeply by affecting your iman and the foundation of your marriage. Salaah is the one way that a worshipper is closest to his creation. You have to help your husband STAY on that path, not move away from it. Through salaah your husband could find the error in his ways and change. You should not forbid him from that when you have the opportunity to help him be a better muslim and husband.
I confronted him about it and he said he did it on purpose. He hadn't ben trying to hide it from me. But i have hurt him so many times with my behavior that he just wanted to hurt me. He wanted me to know what hurt was. what sadness was. I cried for days. I tried to forgive him. But he adopted a really defensive stance and said how he knows what he did was wrong but he wanted me to learn a lesson.
What he did was absolutely wrong, and there's no legitimate reason for it. When he gives a reason like this it could mean that he would have no problem repeating it in the future. He has to own up to his mistake and assure you that he would never repeat it again.
Whereas my husband got involved in this long chat with a girl. The girl was asking for photos of the kitten and my husband took a photo of the cat with it on his lap. He didn't include his face. But I still felt this is wrong. I didn't confront him about it.
Because of what he did previously, it has now caused some trust issues between you. You need to repair that and get to a place where you can trust him again. It won't matter if you confront him about it because if you are in your right mind, it may not seem out of the ordinary, but because of what he did before, it has caused some trust problems and jealousy so now you're going to see any girl he talks to as a target for these feelings.
I know what I've done is wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I still keep trying? Should we both move on? I have paid Istikhara and there have been times when I could have walked out but I just stayed and kept trying to make it work. We are no longer intimate. The truth is I can no longer really like him so I can't bring myself to initiate any intimacy. If he wants to be intimate, I will do my duty as his wife but I just can't initiate it. I feel emotionally drained.
Since you've already prayed istikhara and you still want to fix things, then you have that chance to fix things.
1) Work on yourself. You have to be your own person and not let your iman be affected. In fact, you need to strengthen your iman so much more. If you involve yourself in just that, it will take away so many of your problems, because the more we learn and connect with our deen, the more we learn about the right things to do and how to be patient and trust in Allah's decree. Increasing your piety will also rub off on your husband inshallah. But you must begin with yourself. No one can help you do this. You are accountable for your own actions and soul.
2) Do your duty as a wife. I don't mean the cooking, cleaning and all of that. I mean by being your husband's best friend. When was the last time you guys did anything that made you laugh together or have fun? You have to find that balance. You have to be at a point where you hate fighting because you hate hurting each other. If you don't have that feeling of love and care, then there's no limit to how dark your fights will turn.
3) COMMUNICATE. Both of you need to learn how to communicate your feelings effectively without fighting and bringing up issues from the past. If there's a problem, then discuss ONLY that problem, solve it, and move on. I know he has hurt you a lot since you noted all of these things he has said and did to you in the past (through your post), but you have to learn to let it go. Not being able to let go and fix the problem right then and there just lets everything build up inside and cause more problems in future conflicts. Married couples argue, that's normal. But the arguments should never turn violent, nor should they cause destruction or deep pain that lasts for months or years. There has to be a level of respect and tolerance there even when you argue.
4) Realize change. You are both ever changing. YOu will continue to change. Who you are today is not the same person that you were when you were married. WHo your husband is today is also not the same person you married. ANd I'm 100% sure you are both still unhappy with the way you both are today. So now you have to figure out how to make marriage work by figuring out how to work with each other. I bet there are so many things you do not even know about him. You both see each other's bad sides, but do you know anything more than that? Does he know how to make you happy? Do you know how to make him happy? Does he know what your dreams and aspirations are and vice versa? etc. You need to reintroduce yourselves to each other. I know that sounds kinda weird..but if there's no connection there anymore, you have to make the chemistry return and revisit the purpose of why you both fell in love in the first place. This is going to take effort on both parts, and there's nothing wrong with kickstarting the process if he's being clueless. Otherwise, if you stay married like this, one of you (or both) is going to stray and find someone who will make them feel what they want to feel.