Did I deserve the potential to reject me? Help me please

[anonymous]

Assalamualaikum

A week ago, a potential was coming over to see me. He is practicing from what I heard, so always praying in the masjid and a helpful member in the community. The friend of my father who got him for me told my father, if he had a daughter, he would consider this potential due to his excellence. Many people of the community also vouched for him and said he's a great person.

Before my potential was coming over, I was vacuuming the lounge and my mum tripped over the mini table I put in the way, because I had to vacuum under it. She started screaming at me and telling me how stupid of I to do such thing. She was screaming for a while. I got angry and screamed back at her.

Unknowing to me, my potential had already rang the doorbell but we didn't hear because of the screaming. He left and called later that afternoon. He told my father that he heard me scream at my mother and that was enough to reject me. He's like for her to raise her voice at her mother that way made me not consider at all for marriage and he'll look elsewhere for another wife.

I got so sad and feel depressed after all this. I lost a really good person because of screaming at my mother. I regret what I did but that potential has rejected me and won't ever come back. I haven't eaten or slept properly for the past few days. I'm just crying and feel really depressed and suicudal.

I spoke to a friend if mine and she told me that if I hadn't screamed at my mother, I wouldn't of got rejected. She said I'm being punished in this world for screaming at my mother which is a major sin. Another friend told me perhaps this guy was outwardly practicing and he would be a terrible husband, so perhaps Allah saved me from marrying him through him hearing me scream at my mum and rejecting me. Which of my friend is right and closer to the truth? I want to feel better because I'm extremely depressed over getting rejected by a good brother over screaming at my mum.

Did I get rejected due to Qadr or sins?

[Serinity]

:salam:

Whatever the reason for you getting rejected, it is Qadr.

ALWAYS think critically and positive. You got rejected because you screamed at your mom. Because the potential said he didn't want marry you because of you screaming at your mom.

Whether it is good or bad, depends on how you react to it. Will you introspect yourself, and try to do better, or be suicidal and wander in depression?

Try to improve on your character. Learn from your failures.. If you learn from the bad things that happened, it serves as a lesson for you. If you fail, it is a punishment.

Anyhow, THINK positive, never negative. Positivity + constructive criticism and introspection = good.

Ask yourself, what did you learn from this incident? Whatever happens is Qadr. And we have free will, always try to do good.

Personally, I'd try to change the way I deal with my mom (i.e. try to talk/explain to her your anger instead of being angry)

Positively, I'd say it is a good thing that you did not marry him. Why? Because we should trust Allah, and whatever Allah wills, there is good in.

If you have POSITIVE thoughts about Allah, then why would Allah ever intend bad for a slave that thinks good of Him?

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

We can´t never know sure which one of your friends was right and which one was wrong because we can´t know what might happen at the future. Only we can be sure is that Allah knows our past, present and future and we have to trust that He knows what´s the best for all of us. Everything what happens, happens because He wants it happen. Yes, you didn´t behave well at all when screaming at your mother but you can always repent and ask sorry your behaving. Put your trust to Allah and believe that you will meet one day a husband who is meant to you.

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

What happened was unfortunate.

However, as a believer, you should always have an optimistic outlook on events in life. We believe that everything that happens to us happens due to the will of Allah. This life is a test and if we are patient, Allah will reward us.

Nobody can say for definite that him rejecting you was a punishment from Allah or that Allah was protecting you from him in case he is bad deep down.

Had this not happened, you would not have realized the gravity of your behavior in shouting at your mum and may have continued along this path none the wiser. I am quite certain that you will now think twice before behaving in such a way in the future. You will be sinning less in sha Allah. Perhaps this was Allah's way to guide you out of sin because he wishes you to do well in this test.

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[piXie]

:salamext:

Dear Sister,

Whatever happened, just ask Allah :swt: and your mother to forgive you and learn from this. As hard as it may be, things happen in our life for a reason. Remember the story of when the companions of the Prophet :saws1: disobeyed him in the battle of Uhud and the suffering they endured due to it, and the pain & injury inflicted upon Muhammad :saws1:. Look what had happened & even in that there was an important lesson for the believers.

And Allah :swt: said to them;


"So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers." (3:139)

This is also a trial from Allaah. We all make mistakes, but we need to learn from them and move on. Allah's forgiveness is vast and His bounty is great. And even if you feel that people won't give you a second chance, have trust and hope that Allaah always will.

Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,

“If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Assalamu Alaikum

The noble thing to do would have been enter the house and inquire as to what the disturbance is... instead he judged not only you but your family.

his loss - move on

[Serinity]

:salam:

Remember, whatever bad happens to us, may be because of our bad deeds/ what we have done of deeds, and because Allah willed it. Or it may be a test.

I feel in your case, it is a test. Allahu alam. You were angry at your mom, try to better communicate your frustrations.

All bad and good comes from Allah, however, the reason why this incident happened, is because of what you did (=deed) So why did Allah make you experience this? Allah knows best.

So whatever bad that happens may be because of you, what you did, etc. Punishments may serve as detterents and mercy for us to stop what we are doing. For if we do not stop, we may end with sins on the Day of Judgment and be in Hell.

Punishment in this world is a Mercy, if one takes heed of it. If one does not, and increases in what they are doing, despite the punishments sent by Allah. Then one should blame themselves.

So what I am saying is, even if it is a punishment, see it as a lesson. Become a better Muslim. Do not ignore or think of the punishments of Allah as insignificant, they are not.

I see hardships/trials as lessons, punishments as detterents for you to NOT do it. For you to realise your wrongdoings.

There might be 2 scenarios:

1. one man who became poor and sick, and then died of heart failure.

2. Second man who became sick and poor, then died of heart failure.

What difference, is there in these 2? In both cases, it may be:

A. Punishment.

B. Trial/Test.

The first man was a "hitler" type, who loved killing innocents, and never stopped doing evil. The second, was one, who always did good, etc. So the second may be a test to elevate the man's rank in The Akhira.

The Hitler / Firawn type, may change their evil ways, as such, their punishment, served as a Mercy. However, if they did not stop, it served as humiliation, and even more disgrace in the Akhira.

We do not know whether this is a punishment, or lesson. I am inclined to believe this is a lesson/test. However, if you continue, it may be a punishment.

Always go with POSITIVE energy, try your best. First thing I'd do is turn to Allah, ask for forgiveness, and go to your mom and say sorry that I were angry at you. I am serious, try to say sorry to your mom, and explain why you were angry, after having turned and asked Allah for forgiveness.

PLEASE correct me if I am wrong.

In the end, only Allah knows.

However, we should not be like "oh, since my future has already been decided, Imma go kill myself".

Qadr is a difficult subject, and therefore, I think it is best for you to think positively, and try your best, and think positive.

And Allah :swt: knows best.

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum sister anonymous.

I will share my experience. Long time ago when I was young my close friend intend to match me with a girl. So, I and my friend went to that girl's home. I still remember how enthusiast that girl when we met. No wonder, I indeed was a guy who had good value in the girls eyes. But something happened. That girl said something that actually not wrong. But I didn't know why, suddenly I felt she was not the right girl for me. And I decided to reject her. My friend was shocked. He tried to convince me that this was just a misunderstanding. But I still didn't change my mind. Not different than you, that girl blamed herself for this, although actually that was not her fault, but my fault ..... I judged her too fast!.

That's happened long time ago. Now she lives happily with her husband and children. Yes, later she met another guy who now is her husband, while I married another girl who I knew earlier. It made me realize that misunderstanding between me and that girl was a qadr. Allah destined that I am not for her, and she is not for me.

Back to you, young sister. I understand if you regret and blame yourself for what has been happened. But this was a qadr because he is not destined for you, and you are not destined for him. But you should not down. In Shaa Allah, in the next future you will get another qadr, meet the guy who will become your husband.

:)

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you anonymous;

Sadly when we want the past to change, it leads us to depression.

Before my potential was coming over, I was vacuuming the lounge and my mum tripped over the mini table I put in the way, because I had to vacuum under it. She started screaming at me and telling me how stupid of I to do such thing.

Spare a thought for your mum, if she knows she has ruined your chances, she is not going to be feeling too happy with herself. You only have the one mother, if you can forgive her, you will come to terms with how you can also be forgiven.

And just a thought about how to reply if she screams at you in anger, always lower your voice, and reply slowly. If you continue to talk quietly and slowly, this can reduce the tension, and she may gradually match your way of speaking.

Never give up hope in Allah, you don't always get what you want first time round.

May you and your mother be a blessing to each other.

Eric

[piXie]

:sl:


"Ibn al Qayyim (RA) said that sadness does not appear in the Quran except in the form of forbidding it or in the form of negating it. And the reason for this is because there is no benefit for having sadness in your heart. The most beloved thing to shaytaan is to make the believing slave sad by taking him off track. The prophet :saws1: sought refuge in Allah from sadness. Ibn Al Qayyim (RA) said sadness weakens the heart and diminishes determination and wanting to go forward. And there is nothing more beloved to shaytaan than the sadness of a believer. For this reason be happy, optimistic, and think good about Allah. Have trust in what Allah is able to do and depend on Him. You will find happiness and pleasure in all situations. Ibn Al Qayyim (RA) also said don't ruin your happiness with worry, don't ruin your mind with pessimism and don't ruin your success with deception and don't ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don't ruin your day by looking back at yesterday. If you think about your situation you will find that Allah has given you things without asking so have trust in Allah that He doesn't prevent anything you want except that there is goodness in it for you..... "

Transcribed from this short video..

http://youtu.be/Nd6x___R7M0

[muslim brother]

this was divine providence. alhamdulillah
also you should not behave as there is only 1 man on earth
there are many better than him
when making dua say..ya allah give me the best of husbands,by your wisdom ya allah

we forget very often..we know nothing compared to allah taalas wisdom.

[Norsheah Ahmad]

Subhanallah sister... We get rejected in some point in our life.... For good reasons, most u reasonable excuses, most stupid reasons.

Whatever reasons u call it, i believe and we Muslims should believe it is by the grace of Allah it happened.

If we sabr and redha, insha Allah sister we will the good behind all these.

Sister, suicide is best friend of shaitan... Shaitan wants us to be angry with Allah and not be grateful, therefore going thru depression is the first step and thereafter .... All the things that Allah forbid us from doing.

Sister, u may try yr utmost best to marry this potential man, but if Allah decide it is not meant for u, it will never be sister. Dont keept thinking of the reasons abt the screaming cos that is the cause of the whole rejection which Allah has already planned for u.

With regard to screaming at yr mum.
Sister my advise is, be gentle to yr mum no matter how much she scream at u. Dzikir to Allah to calm yourself and in yr prayer dua for yr mum everyday so that she will lessen her screaming.

Dua that Allah will replace a better man for u to be yr husband. Someone who submits to Allah, and who will guide u to Allah's path. Someone whos is good for yr religion Islam.

This guy may practise Islam... But he may not be the best husband to guide u in a proper way. Allah knows best.

[Supernova]

Assalamualaikum

A week ago, a potential was coming over to see me. He is practicing from what I heard, so always praying in the masjid and a helpful member in the community. The friend of my father who got him for me told my father, if he had a daughter, he would consider this potential due to his excellence. Many people of the community also vouched for him and said he's a great person.

Before my potential was coming over, I was vacuuming the lounge and my mum tripped over the mini table I put in the way, because I had to vacuum under it. She started screaming at me and telling me how stupid of I to do such thing. She was screaming for a while. I got angry and screamed back at her.

Unknowing to me, my potential had already rang the doorbell but we didn't hear because of the screaming. He left and called later that afternoon. He told my father that he heard me scream at my mother and that was enough to reject me. He's like for her to raise her voice at her mother that way made me not consider at all for marriage and he'll look elsewhere for another wife.

I got so sad and feel depressed after all this. I lost a really good person because of screaming at my mother. I regret what I did but that potential has rejected me and won't ever come back. I haven't eaten or slept properly for the past few days. I'm just crying and feel really depressed and suicudal.

I spoke to a friend if mine and she told me that if I hadn't screamed at my mother, I wouldn't of got rejected. She said I'm being punished in this world for screaming at my mother which is a major sin. Another friend told me perhaps this guy was outwardly practicing and he would be a terrible husband, so perhaps Allah saved me from marrying him through him hearing me scream at my mum and rejecting me. Which of my friend is right and closer to the truth? I want to feel better because I'm extremely depressed over getting rejected by a good brother over screaming at my mum.

Did I get rejected due to Qadr or sins?

Asalaamualaykum

I think you got saved from really. He just heard you screaming and hit the road like that without even investigating your side of the story or the full story for that matter. To me that is immature. If he cant give you the benefit of the doubt now then will he honestly !!!!

You crying for nothing - You are the one that actually got saved here.

[Serinity]

:salamext:

Dear Sister,

Whatever happened, just ask Allah :swt: and your mother to forgive you and learn from this. As hard as it may be, things happen in our life for a reason. Remember the story of when the companions of the Prophet :saws1: disobeyed him in the battle of Uhud and the suffering they endured due to it, and the pain & injury inflicted upon Muhammad :saws1:. Look what had happened & even in that there was an important lesson for the believers.

And Allah :swt: said to them;


"So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers." (3:139)

This is also a trial from Allaah. We all make mistakes, but we need to learn from them and move on. Allah's forgiveness is vast and His bounty is great. And even if you feel that people won't give you a second chance, have trust and hope that Allaah always will.

Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,

“If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

:salam:

JazakAllah khayr, sister!

This not only helped the OP (In shaa' Allah) but me too. I now realise that the solution to my waswass was to stop worrying and stop be anxious about my Akhira to the point I question my every thought (shaytaan's whisperings, probably).

I will try to not worry anymore. May be hard at first. I have stopped falling for the thoughts. In shaa' Allah I will succeed.

Truly the Quraan has all the solutions and cures to our problems. Allah :swt: has said multiply times in the Quran that, for the believers, there is no need to be sad and grieve.

may Allah remove all of our worries. Ameen.

Allahu alam.

[islamirama]

Asalaamualaykum

I think you got saved from really. He just heard you screaming and hit the road like that without even investigating your side of the story or the full story for that matter. To me that is immature. If he cant give you the benefit of the doubt now then will he honestly !!!!

You crying for nothing - You are the one that actually got saved here.

Why are people on this thread bashing the guy for turning around and going back. He was not immature, he was not stupid and it was not his loss. what he did was right. I would have done the same. He could have inquired as to what transpired but he didn't have to. If i hear a girl yelling at her mother like that, do you think I want such a girl in my house yelling at my mother? Would you?

So how about we stop bashing and backbiting the brother for doing what he felt was best for him and his family. It's her fault for being so disrespectful to her mother. Islam tells us not say even an "uff" and here she is yelling at her mother ? Does she not have patience? This is what you call immediate punishment from Allah for your sin. Face the reality and quit sugar coating it.

As for the OP, quit crying and whining about suicidal thoughts. Do you want to kill yourself and end up in hell for eternity? is that worth one proposal rejection? is that really mature? and is crying like a baby going to bring that proposal back? These are the traits of weak minded people. What you need to do is repent for your insolence and ask your mother for forgiveness. And then connect with your Rabb through becoming a better Muslim, and learn to control your temper and your tongue. Take this as a learning lesson and improve yourself. Even if you had gotten married, how long do you think your marriage would've been if you mouthed off like that to his mother?

[piXie]

Brother Serenity, :wasalamex

May Allah make it easy for you and help you to overcome all problems. Aameen.

So how about we stop bashing and backbiting the brother for doing what he felt was best for him and his family. It's her fault for being so disrespectful to her mother. Islam tells us not say even an "uff" and here she is yelling at her mother ? Does she not have patience? This is what you call immediate punishment from Allah for your sin. Face the reality and quit sugar coating it.

:sl:

I don't agree with sugar coating anything (even my morning pancakes) but at the same time we should try not to rub salt into the wound either. :ermm:

May Allah forgive us and have mercy upon us all. Aameen.

[Supernova]

Why are people on this thread bashing the guy for turning around and going back. He was not immature, he was not stupid and it was not his loss. what he did was right. I would have done the same. He could have inquired as to what transpired but he didn't have to. If i hear a girl yelling at her mother like that, do you think I want such a girl in my house yelling at my mother? Would you?

So how about we stop bashing and backbiting the brother for doing what he felt was best for him and his family. It's her fault for being so disrespectful to her mother. Islam tells us not say even an "uff" and here she is yelling at her mother ? Does she not have patience? This is what you call immediate punishment from Allah for your sin. Face the reality and quit sugar coating it.

As for the OP, quit crying and whining about suicidal thoughts. Do you want to kill yourself and end up in hell for eternity? is that worth one proposal rejection? is that really mature? and is crying like a baby going to bring that proposal back? These are the traits of weak minded people. What you need to do is repent for your insolence and ask your mother for forgiveness. And then connect with your Rabb through becoming a better Muslim, and learn to control your temper and your tongue. Take this as a learning lesson and improve yourself. Even if you had gotten married, how long do you think your marriage would've been if you mouthed off like that to his mother?

Asalaamualaykum

You are totally missing the point. The issue is not about bashing - the issue is on the criteria that he rejected her was based on no investigation into the circumstances.

Should he have enquired on the situation from the rightful people involved in the action and then made a decision then that is fine but it is clear that he didnt as one of the rightful people would be the girl herself.

The are numerous permutations that could could have led to that event.

The one pride that our Islam has is promoting investigation into an event before passing a judgement. This is evident in nearly every islamic sciences example Tafseer and Fiqh.

It is with great sadness that muslims today will exhaust all their efforts into finding proof of which hadith is Sahi and which is not or which Masaail is correct or not and YET abandon the very same investigative measure in our social lives.

It is this very abandonment of investigation today that leads to so many social issues within the muslim ummah.

I would also like to point out that your understanding of back biting is incorrect. Please speak to your local Imam concerning this matter.

I would also like to point out that on what evidence have you ascertained this to be a punishment from Allah SWT? It could very well be a blessing for her or even a Test which Allah SWT has made this a means of. Id love to see what evidence one can show to make a statement that this is punishment with so much confidence.

Wasalaam.

[islamirama]

Asalaamualaykum

You are totally missing the point. The issue is not about bashing - the issue is on the criteria that he rejected her was based on no investigation into the circumstances.

:wa:

You are missing the point, there is no criteria requirement. You are calling him immature, how mature is that? You going to pass judgement on someone every time they decide to do something without falling your criteria?

Should he have enquired on the situation

No, he should have not. he could have but he decided not to. That is his right, he felt he had seen all he needed it. Stop forcing your criteria down others throats..

I would also like to point out that your understanding of back biting is incorrect. Please speak to your local Imam concerning this matter.

Let's see, you and others here are calling him an immature. Accusing him of being this or that. How is that not back biting? Maybe it is you who should visit your local imam.

I would also like to point out that on what evidence have you ascertained this to be a punishment from Allah SWT? It could very well be a blessing for her or even a Test which Allah SWT has made this a means of. Id love to see what evidence one can show to make a statement that this is punishment with so much confidence.

1. she is insolent and YELLED at her mother - major sin in Islam
2. Allah can punish you immediately or later for your sin
3. previous historical events and narrations have proven Allah's punishment coming down on those who do such things

So I'm basing my viewpoint on all that. Where is your evidence to the contrary? I'd love to see what evidence you can show to your statements you make with so much confidence.

I don't agree with sugar coating anything (even my morning pancakes) but at the same time we should try not to rub salt into the wound either. :ermm:
.

We shouldn't also try to sugar coat, making the person think everything is alright and the guy was in the wrong and the evil doer. The person needs to see that she was in the wrong and she needs to fix that. At the same time offer her advice and comfort but don't keep her ignorant or in the dark about the wrong she did.

[piXie]

I would also like to point out that on what evidence have you ascertained this to be a punishment from Allah SWT? It could very well be a blessing for her or even a Test which Allah SWT has made this a means of. Id love to see what evidence one can show to make a statement that this is punishment with so much confidence.

Wasalaam.

:wasalamex

Brother, when anything happens in life that we don't like, our general attitude should be that it is because of our sins and we should repent to Allaah. Because Allah :swt: says in the Quran

“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself…” [al-Nisa 4:79]

From islamQA:

Praise be to Allah.
Punishments are what happen to people in return for their evil deeds. Trials are tests which are sent to try people, and people may be tested by good things or by bad.

Concerning punishments, Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself…”

[al-Nisa 4:79]

Concerning the phrase “is from yourself”, Qatadah said: “[It means] the punishment is for you, O son of Adam, because of your sin.” Abu Salih said that “whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself” means “because of your sin, and I [Allah] am the One Who decreed it for you.” (Tafseer Ibn Katheer).

Allah also says (interpretation of the meaning): “And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much.”

[al-Shoora 42:30]

Ibn Katheer, may Allah have mercy on him, said: “[It means] whatever misfortune happens to you, O people, is because of evil deeds that you have already done, and ‘He pardons much’ refers to evil deeds – He does not punish you for them but He pardons them. ‘And if Allah were to punish men for that which they earned, he would not leave a moving (living) creature on the surface of the earth…’ [Fatir 35:45 – interpretation of the meaning].”

Concerning trials, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If Allah loves a people, He tries them, and whoever has patience will have patience, and whoever is anxious will be anxious.” (Reported by al-Imam Ahmad; Saheeh al-Jami’, 1706).

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also said: “The extent of the reward will be in accordance with the extent of the trial. If Allah loves a people, He tries them, and whoever is content will have contentment, and whoever is angry will have anger.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2320; Saheeh al-Jami’, 2210).

The following outlines how one may tell whether a given event is a punishment or a trial:

If the misfortune results from doing an act of obedience to Allah, such as being wounded in jihad, or losing money when migrating for the sake of Allah, or losing a job because of becoming a Muslim or increasing one’s commitment to Islam, then this is a trial. Whoever bears it with patience will be rewarded, but if one reacts angrily then one will earn the wrath of Allah. If the misfortune results from sin, such as sexually-transmitted diseases or illnesses caused by drinking alcohol and taking drugs, and so on, then this is the kind of punishment that comes in this world (as opposed to being deferred until the Hereafter). If the misfortune is connected neither to a good deed nor a sin – such as other kinds of diseases and sicknesses, losing a child, or failing in business – then it depends on the person’s situation. If he is good and devout, it is a trial, and if he is sinful, it is a punishment.

The misfortune may be a punishment to atone for sins, or it may be a trial aimed at raising a person’s status and increasing his hasanat (good deeds/rewards) – this may be determined by whether a person is obedient or disobedient. A person should not praise himself, rather he should criticize himself for his shortcomings and strive to attain perfection. He will benefit from misfortunes in any case, if he has patience and hopes for reward.

And Allah knows best.

[Supernova]

:wa:

You are missing the point, there is no criteria requirement. You are calling him immature, how mature is that? You going to pass judgement on someone every time they decide to do something without falling your criteria?



No, he should have not. he could have but he decided not to. That is his right, he felt he had seen all he needed it. Stop forcing your criteria down others throats..


Let's see, you and others here are calling him an immature. Accusing him of being this or that. How is that not back biting? Maybe it is you who should visit your local imam.



1. she is insolent and YELLED at her mother - major sin in Islam
2. Allah can punish you immediately or later for your sin
3. previous historical events and narrations have proven Allah's punishment coming down on those who do such things

So I'm basing my viewpoint on all that. Where is your evidence to the contrary? I'd love to see what evidence you can show to your statements you make with so much confidence.





We shouldn't also try to sugar coat, making the person think everything is alright and the guy was in the wrong and the evil doer. The person needs to see that she was in the wrong and she needs to fix that. At the same time offer her advice and comfort but don't keep her ignorant or in the dark about the wrong she did.

Asalaamualaykum

My evidence that this is not necessarily a punishment is based on the fact that Allah SWT is Ar-Rah'maan and Ar-Raheem ( Which you probably dont even know the difference between those 2 Sifath anyway)

You yourself are not even sure - your first post you said "this is immediate punishment" in your reply to me now you said "Allah CAN punish you ...."
So which is it ? definitive or doubt ??

Secondly - if you regard our advice as back biting then all similar questions from people to imaams like islamQA and Askimam will all render as an answer of backbiting so effectively in your "intelligence" you have now made a global accusation on many Ulema.

About forcing my criteria down others throats - All I said is that he should have investigated. I also pointed out that as muslims we are prompted to do that all the time. On the other hand you are promoting a non investigative stance.

It is rather strange that I have given you enough Islamic reasoning to promote investigation before a decision yet you demote that principle.

[eesa the kiwi]

I really sympathize sister if something like this happened to me I'd be gutted

Perhaps you should read this dua


5. It was reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says:

للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي

‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi’

“O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety”

but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)

[noraina]

Wa alaykum assalam,

Ukhti, however unfortunate it is and however disappointed you must be feeling, you must accept is as qadr and the will of the Allah swt. It wasn't anyone's fault particularly, and altho no doubt it seemed like an excellent proposal, there must have been something good in it not going forward, something to learn from or something of benefit in the future.

Allah swt is the best of Planners, and you need to take comfort in the fact that whatever has happened or may happen is part of His plan for you.

And maybe from this, as the others have said, you can learn to hold your tongue and not shout at your mother like that again. No doubt sometimes we can disagree or argue with our parents, but it is so important at that time more than any other to control your anger and quietly take it until everyone's in a better position to speak - because our parents deserve our ultimate respect, even when we think they are being unfair.

And as far the proposal comes, another one will come if Allah swt wills. You need to take it on your chin and leave the past behind and focus on improving yourself and your situation in a way pleasing to Allah swt, and have confidence that what He wills is the best for you, because wallahi it is.

May Allah swt make everything easy for you. Ameen.

[anatolian]

You cant know for sure which friend is right as it is mentioned. But you can learn something for your future. Your mother also will learn something. And he will learn something as well. Life is a continous learning journey..

[M.I.A.]

Assalamualaikum

A week ago, a potential was coming over to see me. He is practicing from what I heard, so always praying in the masjid and a helpful member in the community. The friend of my father who got him for me told my father, if he had a daughter, he would consider this potential due to his excellence. Many people of the community also vouched for him and said he's a great person.

Before my potential was coming over, I was vacuuming the lounge and my mum tripped over the mini table I put in the way, because I had to vacuum under it. She started screaming at me and telling me how stupid of I to do such thing. She was screaming for a while. I got angry and screamed back at her.

Unknowing to me, my potential had already rang the doorbell but we didn't hear because of the screaming. He left and called later that afternoon. He told my father that he heard me scream at my mother and that was enough to reject me. He's like for her to raise her voice at her mother that way made me not consider at all for marriage and he'll look elsewhere for another wife.

I got so sad and feel depressed after all this. I lost a really good person because of screaming at my mother. I regret what I did but that potential has rejected me and won't ever come back. I haven't eaten or slept properly for the past few days. I'm just crying and feel really depressed and suicudal.

I spoke to a friend if mine and she told me that if I hadn't screamed at my mother, I wouldn't of got rejected. She said I'm being punished in this world for screaming at my mother which is a major sin. Another friend told me perhaps this guy was outwardly practicing and he would be a terrible husband, so perhaps Allah saved me from marrying him through him hearing me scream at my mum and rejecting me. Which of my friend is right and closer to the truth? I want to feel better because I'm extremely depressed over getting rejected by a good brother over screaming at my mum.

Did I get rejected due to Qadr or sins?

you could learn to tell the time from that women.. although you would probably cease to exist.

what you think this is east enders?

either way, what happened happened and couldnt have happened any other way.

learn from it.

...anyway, if everything is superficial and done for show.. try not to become a trophy wife.

[anonymous]

JazakaAllahu Khayran for your replies, much appreciated.

I'm sad to say this, but I'm feeling more depressed as time goes by. I lost my appetite and barely ate anything for the past week. I just feel like sleeping all day and not waking up. I also fear going blind from too much crying.

I can't seem to get over what happened. It's extremely difficult. I feel very very regretful for screaming at my mum. I keep beating myself up and thinking to myself, if I hadn't screamed at my mum, I wouldn't of have got rejected.

I keep thinking if I didn't scream at my mum, I wouldn't of have lost that potential. My brother said he saw him in the masjid praying last night and I was so upset when I heard that. He reminded me that had I not screamed at my mum, I wouldn't of have got rejected. I felt worse afterwards.

I keep thinking to myself if I didn't scream at my mum, things will be different and much better now. Some of you are saying what happened is due to Qadr, but can't the potential rejecting me be due to my sins and actions?

So if I didn't scream at my mum, would I still be rejected? I keep thinking that if I didn't scream, I would have ended up marrying him and have a good life, but now I have to suffer for the rest of my life due to my sin.

[M.I.A.]

i have to ask.. do you normally shout at your mum and does she normally shout at you?

if not then dont dwell on it. move forward and learn from it. im sure you will find someone that is better suited to you.

imo releationships are hard work.

...hopefully the next one rings the doorbell in a better manner.

someone will ultimately see the better side of you i hope.

[ardianto]

From his attitude I can confirm that when he came to your home he hadn't have intention to propose marriage. Even he hadn't interested to you. But he came with one intention, to see you. If he thought you are good for him, he would propose marriage. If he thought you are not good, he would go to another girl. And as you have seen, he was too fast to judge that you are not good. Without tried to meet you, without knocking the door, without tried to find what happened between you and your mom.

Young sister, are you sure you would be happy to live with someone who is very easy to judge without try to know what actually happen?.

Nobody perfect. Someone who look good in people eyes must be has bad side too. And now you have known his bad side.

I know that very hard for you to accept that you have lost a chance to get someone who look good in people eyes. But what has happened was a sign from Allah that he is not the right man for you. Always believe that it's because Allah will give you the another man, the right man.

[piXie]

:sl:

Why condemn the brother, do we think that will somehow make her feel better? ^o)

[islamirama]

:sl:

Why condemn the brother, do we think that will somehow make her feel better? ^o)

That's what I said!

I would have done the same if I was in his place.

[piXie]

:wasalamex

Dear sister, may Allah have mercy upon you, I hope you are feeling better. You know, worse things happen in life and worse losses than the one you have experienced - what is a possible potential husband leaving your home compared to someone leaving this life and his life taken - you screamed at your mother and one possible potential left, and you have left your food, drink and fallen into depression - yet what is this compared to some mistakes which have caused people to be killed, muslims to fight with each other and shed blood, families to be torn apart and the ummah of Rasool Allah :saws1: to suffer so much. Subhan Allaah we make so many errors and mistakes. We are full of mistakes and shortcomings. We cannot spend a single day or night without committing sins - and most of the time we are not even aware of all the losses which we experience in our life due to our sins - we just continue heedless and oblivious. It's from the mercy of Allah if we become aware - so that we can learn and reform ourselves and become better people. Because if these regrets in the life of this world save us from the regrets of the next - then infact, these are not losses we experience but important lessons to gain from. Because what are these regrets compared to the regret of the Day of Judgement, The Actual Day of Regret. And the regret on that day is so unbearable - to the extent that it will cause the wrong doer to bite his hands in regret of his wrong doings. And there will no be option of turning back and repentance. No option of a second chance and no hope. Yet while we are alive - no matter what has happened there is always another chance and hope.

"And (remember) the Day when the wrong-doer will bite at his hands, he will say: "Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger (Muhammad SAW)." (Qur'an 25:27)

I know it's not easy sister but do not allow this regret to lead to further regrets in your life by becoming depressed as this indicates that we have not benefitted from our trials or learnt anything. And instead of our relationship improving with Allaah - it can become worse. Do not let the shaytaan have this victory over you and you become deprived of a better blessing coming in your direction. If Allah sent a good proposal your way, it is not difficult for Him to send you a better one. But it's not going to happen if we allow ourselves to wallow away in grief. May Allah make it easy for you and forgive us all our shortcomings. Aameen.

JazakaAllahu Khayran for your replies, much appreciated.

I'm sad to say this, but I'm feeling more depressed as time goes by. I lost my appetite and barely ate anything for the past week. I just feel like sleeping all day and not waking up. I also fear going blind from too much crying.

I can't seem to get over what happened. It's extremely difficult. I feel very very regretful for screaming at my mum. I keep beating myself up and thinking to myself, if I hadn't screamed at my mum, I wouldn't of have got rejected.

I keep thinking if I didn't scream at my mum, I wouldn't of have lost that potential. My brother said he saw him in the masjid praying last night and I was so upset when I heard that. He reminded me that had I not screamed at my mum, I wouldn't of have got rejected. I felt worse afterwards.

I keep thinking to myself if I didn't scream at my mum, things will be different and much better now. Some of you are saying what happened is due to Qadr, but can't the potential rejecting me be due to my sins and actions?

So if I didn't scream at my mum, would I still be rejected? I keep thinking that if I didn't scream, I would have ended up marrying him and have a good life, but now I have to suffer for the rest of my life due to my sin.