Marriage is stressing me out

[anonymous]

Salamu'alaikum

I'm getting pretty anxious thinking about marriage. My worries seem to stem from when I was 12 years old and I broke my hymen, through masturbation. I didn't reach puberty that time, but my parents are to blame in this.

They'll put rude and inapprooriate movies for us to watch. Also my parents would openly diaplay PDA, so I learnt to masturbate to feel good too about myself.

I'm at the age of marriage right now and worried I'll be divorced after my husband finds out I don't have a hymen. He'll probably think I committed zina and making excuses for my absent hymen.

I know having a hymen isn't an indicator of virginity but guys in my culture are too fussed out about this. I'm worried and feel like dying to save myself from the possible shame I'll be going through. What do I do?

[Search]

:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

Salamu'alaikum

I'm getting pretty anxious thinking about marriage. My worries seem to stem from when I was 12 years old and I broke my hymen, through masturbation. I didn't reach puberty that time, but my parents are to blame in this.

They'll put rude and inapprooriate movies for us to watch. Also my parents would openly diaplay PDA, so I learnt to masturbate to feel good too about myself.

I'm at the age of marriage right now and worried I'll be divorced after my husband finds out I don't have a hymen. He'll probably think I committed zina and making excuses for my absent hymen.

I know having a hymen isn't an indicator of virginity but guys in my culture are too fussed out about this. I'm worried and feel like dying to save myself from the possible shame I'll be going through. What do I do?

Hi, dearest sister! Welcome to IB! :)

I ask that you please do not stress about this matter. There's no way for a man to tell whether a woman was born with a hymen or not because a girl's virginity is not dependent on the existence of a hymen. And there are so many girls who start using tampon from a young age. Even if a hymen is a conscious idea that permeates your culture, I would still recommend that you not worry about this matter because how you are perceived depends on specifically your future husband's mindset. So, make sincere duas (supplications) that you marry an educated and sincere man who will not be suspicious of your character due to this matter and facially trust you enough to recognize that you are a virgin even if he doesn't receive physical proof of virginity.

Also, realize if you do not treat this as a big deal, then your husband won't feel differently InshaAllah (God-willing) either. And if there ever comes God-forbid a time wherein your husband thinks to question you on this matter, then know that you're free to swear by Allah that you're a chaste virgin and then if pressed explain exactly what you told us because a husband-wife relationship is an intimate enough relationship that you can share knowledge of what happened to explain if you feel an explanation is necessary.

And also, I'd say that you should try your best if possible to stop masturbating InshaAllah (God-willing) and replace that activity with other healthy activities that distract you from the temptation of engaging in masturbation. Also, read the ayat (verse) (Qur'an 27:62) below whenever you feel anxious about the matter with the intention that Allah addresses your concern in the best manner and that you are answered in a way that gives you confidence and makes you feel trusting of Allah because Allah has All Power and indeed Allah turns the heart of people (including your future husband) in the manner that He Wills.

أَمَّن يُجِيبُ الْمُضْطَرَّ إِذَا دَعَاهُ وَيَكْشِفُ السُّوءَ وَيَجْعَلُكُمْ خُلَفَاءَ الْأَرْضِ أَإِلَٰهٌ مَّعَ اللَّهِ قَلِيلًا مَّا تَذَكَّرُونَ
Transliteration		Amman yujeebu almudtarra itha daAAahu wayakshifu alssoo-a wayajAAalukum khulafaa al-ardi a-ilahun maAAa Allahi qaleelan ma tathakkaroona
Literal (Word by Word)		Or Who responds (to) the distressed one when he calls Him and He removes the evil and makes you inheritors (of) the earth? Is there any god with Allah? Little (is) what you remember.

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

[islamirama]

I ask that you please do not stress about this matter. There's no way for a man to tell whether a woman was born with a hymen or not because a girl's virginity is not dependent on the existence of a hymen. And there are so many girls who start using tampon from a young age. Even if a hymen is a conscious idea that permeates your culture, I would still recommend that you not worry about this matter because how you are perceived depends on specifically your future husband's mindset.

It is a matter of stress. It does matter whether you can tell or not, in many cultures the hymen represents a sign of virginity. If you are not bleeding and in pain on your wedding night then you are not a virgin. And as such you may face abuse from your husband ranging from ridicule for sleeping around to divorce. So don't dismiss it so easily just because that is how you feel about it. It wont' change the culture and what people of that culture think.

Also, realize if you do not treat this as a big deal, then your husband won't feel differently InshaAllah (God-willing) either.

So it is a big deal and even if you don't treat as such, it won't change how the guy thinks of it. In fact it may be worst if you don't think of it as a big deal, it will only reflect on you being too loose to not even care and think of it a big enough deal to care.

Salamu'alaikum

I'm getting pretty anxious thinking about marriage. My worries seem to stem from when I was 12 years old and I broke my hymen, through masturbation. I didn't reach puberty that time, but my parents are to blame in this.

They'll put rude and inapprooriate movies for us to watch. Also my parents would openly diaplay PDA, so I learnt to masturbate to feel good too about myself.

I'm at the age of marriage right now and worried I'll be divorced after my husband finds out I don't have a hymen. He'll probably think I committed zina and making excuses for my absent hymen.

I know having a hymen isn't an indicator of virginity but guys in my culture are too fussed out about this. I'm worried and feel like dying to save myself from the possible shame I'll be going through. What do I do?

:wa:

what your parents did was unislamic and inappropriate to expose to all that at such a young age. But know that hymen can be broken at anytime and doesn't necessarily mean it was done through zina, such as through injury or being hyper active.

You will have to ask questions indirectly to see what his views are and how he feels about it. or you could ask hypothetical questions to see how he responds. or ask a third person to inquire about his views. and/or try to find someone educated. Idk if there is a correct/right way to go about it. I think you'll just have to have faith and move forward with an open mind and should the issue arises after marriage then address it there and then, and how it goes will mostly depend on how he responds/reacts to the discovery.

[fhmn63]

Don't stress . Nothing as such will happen.Have faith in Allah and confidence in yourself and make astaghfar and never despair of the mercy of Allah swt.