Polygny

[Muslimah1990]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Just seeking advice about my husband who is currently in the process of a second marriage.
I have only been muslim for 1 year and learning about the deen has been amazing and overwhelming at its best. It's just seems there are new obstacles after the next.
Coming from a western country where having multiple spouses is actually illegal and bearing in mind islam is still relatively new to me, changing my whole lifestyle. This has just come as a shock and large blow.
I understand the right of a man and I do not dispute what Allah سبحانه وتعالى has made in His shariah.
I just really would like some advice on dealing with this matter. I have no muslim friends or family. I have no friends or family who would even begin to support me in this, like I said living in the west where your mindset is very different to an Islamic way.
I feel so lost and hopeless like it's some sort of punishment for me. It's been so hard to begin to get my head around and I'm so worried about having kufr in my heart because of how I'm feeling. I'm pregnant and very hormonal and stressed and just keep crying.

[*charisma*]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Just seeking advice about my husband who is currently in the process of a second marriage.
I have only been muslim for 1 year and learning about the deen has been amazing and overwhelming at its best. It's just seems there are new obstacles after the next.
Coming from a western country where having multiple spouses is actually illegal and bearing in mind islam is still relatively new to me, changing my whole lifestyle. This has just come as a shock and large blow.
I understand the right of a man and I do not dispute what Allah سبحانه وتعالى has made in His shariah.
I just really would like some advice on dealing with this matter. I have no muslim friends or family. I have no friends or family who would even begin to support me in this, like I said living in the west where your mindset is very different to an Islamic way.
I feel so lost and hopeless like it's some sort of punishment for me. It's been so hard to begin to get my head around and I'm so worried about having kufr in my heart because of how I'm feeling. I'm pregnant and very hormonal and stressed and just keep crying.

Walaikum asalaam wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu

While it's not obligatory for your husband to discuss the matter of a 2nd marriage to you, has he done so?? I mean since you know about it, it seems he was open about the process? Also was any of this discussed before you agreed to marry one another?

[Muslimah1990]

We have sort of touched on the subject. I have always tried to be open to it as it is from Quran and who can argue Quran? I'm jist looking for maybe some support from people who have other wives or who are part of a multiple marriage... I'm not against the whole thing...just having a hard time accepting it. Perhaps I just hoped I could of enjoyed a marriage a little longer before having to consider this and perhaps I hoped that maybe I could go through this pregnancy and birthwithout extra unnecessary stress. I actually found out by accident and we haven't spoken about it really since so I'm trying to deal with it alone. I have no right to take away his right.

[*charisma*]

We have sort of touched on the subject. I have always tried to be open to it as it is from Quran and who can argue Quran? I'm jist looking for maybe some support from people who have other wives or who are part of a multiple marriage... I'm not against the whole thing...just having a hard time accepting it. Perhaps I just hoped I could of enjoyed a marriage a little longer before having to consider this and perhaps I hoped that maybe I could go through this pregnancy and birthwithout extra unnecessary stress. I actually found out by accident and we haven't spoken about it really since so I'm trying to deal with it alone. I have no right to take away his right.

It's natural to feel jealousy or want to have spent more time with your husband. Actually, I cannot even blame you for feeling this way. However, I think mashallah you are such a wonderful wife and muslimah in putting effort in accepting something many women refuse to accept. May Allah reward you immensely for that, and grant you patience, ease, and happiness during this trial. I do think you should speak to him more openly about it and make it a topic of discussion. Some things will need to be taken into consideration, such as how involved will you be in this process, will you be interacting with his 2nd wife, and will your rights still be maintained. He should be able to financially support the both of you equitably.

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[Muslimah1990]

I'm praying for ease. I don't know what else to say.

[sister_39738]

The important thing to remember is that your husband still loves you. I grew up in the west too. Outside of Islam women are taught that your worth comes from how much a man wants and desires you. So if a man wants another wife that means he wants you less. We are taught that other women are competition and to accept another woman is to accept defeat. Even a lot of Muslims buy into this westernized belief that the only way a man can love you is for you to be solely his. It turns women into jealous, backstabbing competitors. It does not seem like it now but him looking for a second wife is an honor to you. Instead of going around in secrecy and sleeping with other women polygamy is a righteous way to be with other women without shaming himself and lying to you. Another thing to remember is that the outcome is partly up to you. You can choose to associate with this woman or not to. You can choose to be or friend or not and you can choose whether or not to reside in the same house as her. It would be in your best interest to try and not build up resentment because it will destroy your marriage.


I don't know if you have been informed as to why polygamy exist but I will tell you.Polygamy came about in a time after war, where there were a lot of women who lost their husbands and their support system. At this time there were few men and many women needed this. Today there are too many women who can't find a suitable husband which is why many are starting to consider being a second wife. Your acceptance of another wife is actually doing a great service to our unmah.

[sister_39738]

It's natural to feel jealousy or want to have spent more time with your husband. Actually, I cannot even blame you for feeling this way. However, I think mashallah you are such a wonderful wife and muslimah in putting effort in accepting something many women refuse to accept. May Allah reward you immensely for that, and grant you patience, ease, and happiness during this trial. I do think you should speak to him more openly about it and make it a topic of discussion. Some things will need to be taken into consideration, such as how involved will you be in this process, will you be interacting with his 2nd wife, and will your rights still be maintained. He should be able to financially support the both of you equitably.

And spend equal amount of time with her.

[Muslimah1990]

The important thing to remember is that your husband still loves you. I grew up in the west too. Outside of Islam women are taught that your worth comes from how much a man wants and desires you. So if a man wants another wife that means he wants you less. We are taught that other women are competition and to accept another woman is to accept defeat. Even a lot of Muslims buy into this westernized belief that the only way a man can love you is for you to be solely his. It turns women into jealous, backstabbing competitors. It does not seem like it now but him looking for a second wife is an honor to you. Instead of going around in secrecy and sleeping with other women polygamy is a righteous way to be with other women without shaming himself and lying to you. Another thing to remember is that the outcome is partly up to you. You can choose to associate with this woman or not to. You can choose to be or friend or not and you can choose whether or not to reside in the same house as her. It would be in your best interest to try and not build up resentment because it will destroy your marriage.


I don't know if you have been informed as to why polygamy exist but I will tell you.Polygamy came about in a time after war, where there were a lot of women who lost their husbands and their support system. At this time there were few men and many women needed this. Today there are too many women who can't find a suitable husband which is why many are starting to consider being a second wife. Your acceptance of another wife is actually doing a great service to our unmah.

Yeah I guess I'm fighting with the confusion of this ideology of having another woman is replacing the first one. That maybe he doesn't want me or he's not happy or whatever. It made me feel like I've done something wrong or there's something wrong with me, as opposed to what islam teaches. It's just a great confusion with how I've been living my whole life for 25 years then this past one year almost every aspect of life changes into an Islamic perspective and I'm just dealing with it badly I think.

[Muslimah1990]

I'm in a very split mind and I'm just looking for support. I want to be a good muslim but the other half of me just wants to give up and kill myself which I know is not allowed but it's just seems better than this stress.

[sister_39738]

Yeah I guess I'm fighting with the confusion of this ideology of having another woman is replacing the first one. That maybe he doesn't want me or he's not happy or whatever. It made me feel like I've done something wrong or there's something wrong with me, as opposed to what islam teaches. It's just a great confusion with how I've been living my whole life for 25 years then this past one year almost every aspect of life changes into an Islamic perspective and I'm just dealing with it badly I think.

Things need to be taken slowly.Morals in the west are completely opposite of islam so it will take you time to adjust.Incorporate little things at a time and stop doing haram things slowly,not cold turkey.

[Zeal]

Allahumma barik you have alot of strength it happened to one of my family members and she literally went mental but it got her closer to Allah swt before then she didn't even pray so alhumdulillah and it will be khayr for you too inshallah. It's said that if Allah closes one path for a wisdom which He alone knows, He will – out of His mercy – open another path for you which is even more beneficial.

Think of this as an oppurtunity to further gain the love of Allah


Allahumusta'an

[Muslimah1990]

Things need to be taken slowly.Morals in the west are completely opposite of islam so it will take you time to adjust.Incorporate little things at a time and stop doing haram things slowly,not cold turkey.

Yes. Alhamdulilah Allah kept me away from a lot of haram even as a non muslim so it's making the basic switches and just learning so strengthen my iman and increase my knowledge. This is all His plan and I cannot argue with it. I just pray I go through it with ease, as I want for the rest of my brothers and sisters. I want to keep an open mind and not become angry and fall into kufr.

[sister_39738]

I'm in a very split mind and I'm just looking for support. I want to be a good muslim but the other half of me just wants to give up and kill myself which I know is not allowed but it's just seems better than this stress.

Suicide will not only cheat you out of the chance to finally meet Allah, his angels, and prophets in Jannah, but it will also cheat you out of the chance to learn how to thrive through fear and stress. Women need to be well rounded, healthy individuals before their marriage that way when something goes wrong or the marriage dissolves they won’t even consider suicide. Step back and take a look outside of your marriage. Without your husband you will still have Allah and yourself, that’s enough to build a happy life on. What you also need to realize is that you are not powerless in your marriage. If you are so stressed out that you feel like you want to commit suicide then introducing another person into your marriage will not be of benefit to you. Your marriage is about your happiness too. I'm not telling you to go out and divorce your husband but you need to talk to him and tell him about what's going on with you.

[Muslimah1990]

Suicide will not only cheat you out of the chance to finally meet Allah, his angels, and prophets in Jannah, but it will also cheat you out of the chance to learn how to thrive through fear and stress. Women need to be well rounded, healthy individuals before their marriage that way when something goes wrong or the marriage dissolves they won’t even consider suicide. Step back and take a look outside of your marriage. Without your husband you will still have Allah and yourself, that’s enough to build a happy life on. What you also need to realize is that you are not powerless in your marriage. If you are so stressed out that you feel like you want to commit suicide then introducing another person into your marriage will not be of benefit to you. Your marriage is about your happiness too. I'm not telling you to go out and divorce your husband but you need to talk to him and tell him about what's going on with you.

Great advice and reminder. I think it may just be the pregnancy hormones talking most of the time. Maybe I can speak to him about it in a few days in sha Allah. I feel like I'm going to become angry and say mean things and become irrational.

[sister_39738]

Great advice and reminder. I think it may just be the pregnancy hormones talking most of the time. Maybe I can speak to him about it in a few days in sha Allah. I feel like I'm going to become angry and say mean things and become irrational.

During a pregnancy is not an ideal time to introduce a new component in your marriage. You should sit down and write out your concerns. The more prepared you feel for the conversation the less nervous you’ll be. You should also ask your husband why he wants a second wife (this is not improper).

[Muslimah1990]

He doesn't really need to discuss the matter with me though right, I mean he didn't tell me I found out by accident. He has confirmed he is in the middle of things. Nothing set in stone so maybe I'm just over reacting...he said he put his name down in the masjid some time ago...doesn't make it and less confusing or hurtful but that's the situation.

[Muslimah1990]

Allahumma barik you have alot of strength it happened to one of my family members and she literally went mental but it got her closer to Allah swt before then she didn't even pray so alhumdulillah and it will be khayr for you too inshallah. It's said that if Allah closes one path for a wisdom which He alone knows, He will – out of His mercy – open another path for you which is even more beneficial.

Think of this as an oppurtunity to further gain the love of Allah


Allahumusta'an

Thanks I will bear this in mind when u feel myself becoming lost or angry.

[Muslimah1990]

Thanks I will bear this in mind when u feel myself becoming lost or angry.

When I* feel myself....it's been difficult and I felt I was becoming mental. Having struggled with depression from a young age I fear to go back there.

[Muslimah1990]

To think this is only the first stage of them getting to know each other before a marriage. I can't even bare to think what am I to do if this all goes through....what do I do on the nights he is with her..? Maybe I could cope more if it wasn't so soon and maybe our marriage was more stable and in a comfortable position. I feel like we just got married last week. I don't know. I'm just getting ahead doff myself. Just sitting here trying to imagine how insane I will be on the nights in alone knowing he is with his other wife's...even if they do not suit...perhaps in the future he may have one. I just really want to make sure that you all understand I have no problems with what Allah has given to men and women..understanding it is a little difficult but not something I will dwell on as we do not have knowledge of all things. I would never ask him not to go through with this as who am I to take away a right Allah has given...!? I just need to be able to bare it.
Is there a particular dua I could maybe use of certain acts of ibadah that will in sha Allah bring more ease and comfort to this?

[eesa the kiwi]

To think this is only the first stage of them getting to know each other before a marriage. I can't even bare to think what am I to do if this all goes through....what do I do on the nights he is with her..? Maybe I could cope more if it wasn't so soon and maybe our marriage was more stable and in a comfortable position. I feel like we just got married last week. I don't know. I'm just getting ahead doff myself. Just sitting here trying to imagine how insane I will be on the nights in alone knowing he is with his other wife's...even if they do not suit...perhaps in the future he may have one. I just really want to make sure that you all understand I have no problems with what Allah has given to men and women..understanding it is a little difficult but not something I will dwell on as we do not have knowledge of all things. I would never ask him not to go through with this as who am I to take away a right Allah has given...!? I just need to be able to bare it.
Is there a particular dua I could maybe use of certain acts of ibadah that will in sha Allah bring more ease and comfort to this?

It was reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says:
للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي
‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi’
“O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety”
but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)

[Muslimah1990]

Allahumma barik you have alot of strength it happened to one of my family members and she literally went mental but it got her closer to Allah swt before then she didn't even pray so alhumdulillah and it will be khayr for you too inshallah. It's said that if Allah closes one path for a wisdom which He alone knows, He will – out of His mercy – open another path for you which is even more beneficial.

Think of this as an oppurtunity to further gain the love of Allah


Allahumusta'an

May I ask, how is your family member now. I pray Allah gives her the best of this life and the hereafter. Did she adjust in time..?

[piXie]

I'm praying for ease. I don't know what else to say.

:salamext:

Dearest sister, may Allah ease your pain and help you immensely, aameen. And I pray this from the bottom of my heart. You are experiencing a lot of changes and are trying so hard to carry them all - from the changes in your heart & soul from accepting Islam and carrying the legislations of Allaah and all the joys and challenges this brings, to the changes in your body & hormones from carrying a baby and all the joys and & pain and emotions this brings. And now the changes in your marriage - of trying to carry the pain of dealing with your husband wanting to take a second wife. All within a span of one year. There is a lot of weight on your shoulders and considering your situation, it is no wonder that you are constantly crying. This is a sign of extreme stress and overwhelm and your whole nervous system is in the red zone. You need to mix a spoon of molasses in milk and drink it and have an apple/fresh figs. Believe me, the amount of stress you are going through, your nerves need it and so does your baby. It will make you feel better in shaa Allaah. May Allaah have immense mercy upon you and increase you in goodness. May Allah :swt: make your husband very understanding and supportive to your situation and condition - because you need this very much and you need to communicate with your husband and he with you - because whatever decisions you both make - when you communicate with each other and be supportive and understand each others emotional and physical needs - when you both fear Allaah - when you work together and are there for each other - understanding that this is a two way thing - it strengthens a relationship and makes matters easier to deal with and the importance of this cannot be stressed enough. And this is the foundation to a healthy and secure and empowering relationship - where both husband and wife bring out each other's full potential. Whereas if we don't have this in a relationship - if one partner feels they are going through their trials alone - and we do not be merciful towards the situation of our spouses and be patient with one another (and this is a two way thing) then one or both the husband and wife will be in a state of insecurity, unfulfilment, stress/grief and emotional instability - and this will effect the future of this Ummah (the children). And it is important that every husband and wife understand this - and even more so if the husband is considering bringing another wife and wishes for a successful polygamous relationship - then it is even more important that he understands the importance having a strong and secure relationship and understanding with his first wife.

My dear sister, having said this, there will be times in our life where we have no control over our situation - and the best thing during that time is pour out your heart to Allaah - because dua is the strongest weapon of a beleiver and there is no one who can understand our pain other than Allaah. And no one has the power to ease our distress other than Allaah. And no one is more merciful and compassionate to the believers other than Allaah - and when you understand this relationship between your lord and you - and you pour out your heart to Him, from how you sincerely wish to please Him in every way - and how you are feeling and struggling and fear for your Eemaan - the inner peace and serenity you will feel - the taste of Eemaan you will feel from this - no one can make anyone feel this way and it is the most beautiful feeling for those few fortunate ones who have experienced it. The support He (Allah :swt: ) will give you will be like no other support you have felt. And the comfort He will bring you will be like a comfort not even our mothers can give us. And Allah :swt: answers the dua of those who call upon Him and He can even avert a trial coming in our direction if we ask Him to. And If u feel you need more time - He can also do that. Even though your husband is in the process of looking for a second wife, it doesn't mean that it will happen so soon. It is a heavy procedure and responsibility and can even take long periods of time. Understand that if this is a heartache for you, it is a huge headache for him, especially if he understands the great responsibility in entails and fears Allahs commands. It is not easy having two wives - a lot of men wish to marry again - but when men realise the responsibilities of this - many end up staying with only one. Therefore we don't know what the future holds. Therefore concentrate on the present and as hard as it is, try not to think negatively because number one, it's not the case you have done something wrong and neither does it mean your husband will love you less. Remember no other wife of rasool Allah :saws1: could take the place of his first wife Khadija (RA) because of her sacrifices, even when she died, and no other wives (from the ones living) could take the place of Aisha (RA), even though he married other beautiful women after her. Secondly, the shaytaan is going to make you feel this way because he loves to grieve the believers and make them sad. Therefore try to stay positive and not let these thoughts effect you to this extent because it can cause you and your baby both harm.

I would like to leave you with two ahadith;


Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Messenger :saws1: said, "Our Lord, the Blessed, the Superior, comes every night down on the nearest Heaven to us when the last third of the night remains, saying: "Is there anyone to invoke Me, so that I may respond to invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me, so that I may grant him his request? Is there anyone seeking My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?"[Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 246]


The Prophet :saws1: said:

"Whoever gets up at night and says: "La ilaha il-lallah Wahdahu la Sharika lahu Lahu-l-mulk, waLahu-l-hamd wahuwa 'ala kullishai'in Qadir. Alhamdu lil-lahi wa subhanal-lahi wa la-ilaha il-lal-lah wa-l-lahu akbar wa la hawla Wala Quwata il-la-bil-lah." (None has the right to be worshipped but Allah. He is the Only One and has no partners . For Him is the Kingdom and all the praises are due for Him. He is Omnipotent. All the praises are for Allah. All the glories are for Allah. And none has the right to be worshipped but Allah, And Allah is Great And there is neither Might nor Power Except with Allah). And then says: "Allahumma, Ighfir li" (O Allah! Forgive me). Or invokes (Allah), he will be responded to and if he performs ablution (and prays), his prayer will be accepted." [Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 253]

May Allaah :swt: grant you the best of both worlds and ease all your affairs. Aameen

[Zeal]

May I ask, how is your family member now. I pray Allah gives her the best of this life and the hereafter. Did she adjust in time..?

ameen I pray the same for you and your family

Alhamdulillah, I would say she's in a state better than before and she had it even worse because her husband got married and had a baby a whole family without her even knowing about it on the sly. Tbh it took her quite a while to adjust but she still hadn't found islam in the sense she didn't practise andwhen she did I think that's when she started accepting the way things were and adjusted.

[Zeal]

Alhamdulillah she's a happy practising mother of 5 now :)

[azc]

May Allah swt make it easy for you. Ameen

[sister_39738]

He doesn't really need to discuss the matter with me though right, I mean he didn't tell me I found out by accident. He has confirmed he is in the middle of things. Nothing set in stone so maybe I'm just over reacting...he said he put his name down in the masjid some time ago...doesn't make it and less confusing or hurtful but that's the situation.

He does have to discuss it with you.You are not powerless in your marriage and you are not required to be a passive participant. The fact that your husband made all of these arrangements without telling you is alarming.

[Muslimah1990]

He does have to discuss it with you.You are not powerless in your marriage and you are not required to be a passive participant. The fact that your husband made all of these arrangements without telling you is alarming.

Well I haven't really tired to discuss with him and I find there are times I get anxiety regarding the matter but like I said it's probably due to over thinking and over worrying and incorrectly thinking I'm being replaced or as if he wants someone better. I want to remove all these negative thoughts and support him throughout. Other times I'm completely cool and I think it's fine. I hope Allah rewards you and everyone that has read or commented on this thread for your support. Like I said I don't have muslim friends or family...and my friends and family wouldn't even begin to understand it. In sha Allah Allah will ease the suffering of you all through hardships and trials and give you ease. Ameen.

[Muslimah1990]

Alhamdulillah she's a happy practising mother of 5 now :)

Alhamdulilah [emoji3]

[Futuwwa]

Talk to him openly about how you feel. While it's true that it is his right to do so (in the absence of a specific nikah term to the contrary), it is also the duty of a polygamous man to ensure domestic harmony.

[Muslimah1990]

Talk to him openly about how you feel. While it's true that it is his right to do so (in the absence of a specific nikah term to the contrary), it is also the duty of a polygamous man to ensure domestic harmony.

I will make sure to discuss all these points and emotions I'm feeling.

[sister_39738]

When I* feel myself....it's been difficult and I felt I was becoming mental. Having struggled with depression from a young age I fear to go back there.

I have suffered from depression since childhood too.In trying times it helps to have someone to talk to.You should look into therapy.

[Muslimah1990]

:salamext:

Dearest sister, may Allah ease your pain and help you immensely, aameen. And I pray this from the bottom of my heart. You are experiencing a lot of changes and are trying so hard to carry them all - from the changes in your heart & soul from accepting Islam and carrying the legislations of Allaah and all the joys and challenges this brings, to the changes in your body & hormones from carrying a baby and all the joys and & pain and emotions this brings. And now the changes in your marriage - of trying to carry the pain of dealing with your husband wanting to take a second wife. All within a span of one year. There is a lot of weight on your shoulders and considering your situation, it is no wonder that you are constantly crying. This is a sign of extreme stress and overwhelm and your whole nervous system is in the red zone. You need to mix a spoon of molasses in milk and drink it and have an apple/fresh figs. Believe me, the amount of stress you are going through, your nerves need it and so does your baby. It will make you feel better in shaa Allaah. May Allaah have immense mercy upon you and increase you in goodness. May Allah :swt: make your husband very understanding and supportive to your situation and condition - because you need this very much and you need to communicate with your husband and he with you - because whatever decisions you both make - when you communicate with each other and be supportive and understand each others emotional and physical needs - when you both fear Allaah - when you work together and are there for each other - understanding that this is a two way thing - it strengthens a relationship and makes matters easier to deal with and the importance of this cannot be stressed enough. And this is the foundation to a healthy and secure and empowering relationship - where both husband and wife bring out each other's full potential. Whereas if we don't have this in a relationship - if one partner feels they are going through their trials alone - and we do not be merciful towards the situation of our spouses and be patient with one another (and this is a two way thing) then one or both the husband and wife will be in a state of insecurity, unfulfilment, stress/grief and emotional instability - and this will effect the future of this Ummah (the children). And it is important that every husband and wife understand this - and even more so if the husband is considering bringing another wife and wishes for a successful polygamous relationship - then it is even more important that he understands the importance having a strong and secure relationship and understanding with his first wife.

My dear sister, having said this, there will be times in our life where we have no control over our situation - and the best thing during that time is pour out your heart to Allaah - because dua is the strongest weapon of a beleiver and there is no one who can understand our pain other than Allaah. And no one has the power to ease our distress other than Allaah. And no one is more merciful and compassionate to the believers other than Allaah - and when you understand this relationship between your lord and you - and you pour out your heart to Him, from how you sincerely wish to please Him in every way - and how you are feeling and struggling and fear for your Eemaan - the inner peace and serenity you will feel - the taste of Eemaan you will feel from this - no one can make anyone feel this way and it is the most beautiful feeling for those few fortunate ones who have experienced it. The support He (Allah :swt: ) will give you will be like no other support you have felt. And the comfort He will bring you will be like a comfort not even our mothers can give us. And Allah :swt: answers the dua of those who call upon Him and He can even avert a trial coming in our direction if we ask Him to. And If u feel you need more time - He can also do that. Even though your husband is in the process of looking for a second wife, it doesn't mean that it will happen so soon. It is a heavy procedure and responsibility and can even take long periods of time. Understand that if this is a heartache for you, it is a huge headache for him, especially if he understands the great responsibility in entails and fears Allahs commands. It is not easy having two wives - a lot of men wish to marry again - but when men realise the responsibilities of this - many end up staying with only one. Therefore we don't know what the future holds. Therefore concentrate on the present and as hard as it is, try not to think negatively because number one, it's not the case you have done something wrong and neither does it mean your husband will love you less. Remember no other wife of rasool Allah :saws1: could take the place of his first wife Khadija (RA) because of her sacrifices, even when she died, and no other wives (from the ones living) could take the place of Aisha (RA), even though he married other beautiful women after her. Secondly, the shaytaan is going to make you feel this way because he loves to grieve the believers and make them sad. Therefore try to stay positive and not let these thoughts effect you to this extent because it can cause you and your baby both harm.

I would like to leave you with two ahadith;


Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Messenger :saws1: said, "Our Lord, the Blessed, the Superior, comes every night down on the nearest Heaven to us when the last third of the night remains, saying: "Is there anyone to invoke Me, so that I may respond to invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me, so that I may grant him his request? Is there anyone seeking My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?"[Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 246]


The Prophet :saws1: said:

"Whoever gets up at night and says: "La ilaha il-lallah Wahdahu la Sharika lahu Lahu-l-mulk, waLahu-l-hamd wahuwa 'ala kullishai'in Qadir. Alhamdu lil-lahi wa subhanal-lahi wa la-ilaha il-lal-lah wa-l-lahu akbar wa la hawla Wala Quwata il-la-bil-lah." (None has the right to be worshipped but Allah. He is the Only One and has no partners . For Him is the Kingdom and all the praises are due for Him. He is Omnipotent. All the praises are for Allah. All the glories are for Allah. And none has the right to be worshipped but Allah, And Allah is Great And there is neither Might nor Power Except with Allah). And then says: "Allahumma, Ighfir li" (O Allah! Forgive me). Or invokes (Allah), he will be responded to and if he performs ablution (and prays), his prayer will be accepted." [Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 253]

May Allaah :swt: grant you the best of both worlds and ease all your affairs. Aameen

This is a very soothing a lovely comment to read. Thank you for making the situation very understandable for me. I know this could be a long process and may not even amount to anything 5his time around which is why I know sometimes my stress comes from over thinking and worrying and making up troubles in my mind. I have little knowledge and I know shaytan uses that against me. I want to please Allah first and foremost and also make my husband happy with me. This comment really put things into perspective for me and I keep reminding myself to have patience and everything happens with Allah's knowledge and it is He who knows best for us. I'm sure these are normal emotions for women to go through.

[anatolian]

He must be more busy with you now instead of looking for a second marriage. Now tell him that Quran just allows polygny but encourages one wife.

[Muslimah1990]

He must be more busy with you now instead of looking for a second marriage. Now tell him that Quran just allows polygny but encourages one wife.

Alhamdulilah I have no complaints with him and he is a very good man. I will discuss things over with him soon in sha Allah. Perhaps I'll bring up this comment

[Snow]

He does have to discuss it with you.You are not powerless in your marriage and you are not required to be a passive participant. The fact that your husband made all of these arrangements without telling you is alarming.

I could not agree more.
If TS is crying about the situation, things are very wrong.

[Bhabha]

Where do you live sister? If it is illegal in the country that you live in, as a Muslim he is obligated to follow the law of the Land as long as it does not conflict with Islamic law. Since it is not an Islamic requirement to have a second wife, he is obligated more to follow the law of the land. It's simple as that. Furthermore, when Prophet Muhammad PBUH was going to get married to more wives, he gave the option to his wives of divorcing him if they did not like it. So, do not forget that obvious fact.

[islamirama]

Where do you live sister? If it is illegal in the country that you live in, as a Muslim he is obligated to follow the law of the Land as long as it does not conflict with Islamic law. Since it is not an Islamic requirement to have a second wife, he is obligated more to follow the law of the land. It's simple as that. Furthermore, when Prophet Muhammad PBUH was going to get married to more wives, he gave the option to his wives of divorcing him if they did not like it. So, do not forget that obvious fact.

Even if it is illegal in the country for that, that means nothing. Islam supersedes all laws and we are not to follow the law if it is contrary to Islam. It is not an islamic requirement but it is his islamic right, so to impose a secular law on him because you feel jealous of another wife is an oppression on him from you. It's simple as that. Furthermore, the prophet :saws1: was in a class of his own. He had 9 wives, can we have 9 wives too? He gave his wives the option of divorce but did he tell us that we should too?

[sister_39738]

Where do you live sister? If it is illegal in the country that you live in, as a Muslim he is obligated to follow the law of the Land as long as it does not conflict with Islamic law. Since it is not an Islamic requirement to have a second wife, he is obligated more to follow the law of the land. It's simple as that. Furthermore, when Prophet Muhammad PBUH was going to get married to more wives, he gave the option to his wives of divorcing him if they did not like it. So, do not forget that obvious fact.

A lot of countries that do have laws against polygamy only have laws against legally claiming more than one wife but cohabiting with more than one woman is just fine, which is hypocritical. So since she wont legally be a wife just islamically it is perfectly legal. Really the law enforcement that go after religious people who practice polygamy like mormons and muslims, are just being religiously intolerant.

[noora95]

To be honest I wouldnt be able to bear something like that.
But if you feel like you can handle something like that then it there will be great reward from Allah SWT.
Just turn to Allah SWT and pray and may He fill you with peace and happiness.

[Bhabha]

Even if it is illegal in the country for that, that means nothing. Islam supersedes all laws and we are not to follow the law if it is contrary to Islam. It is not an islamic requirement but it is his islamic right, so to impose a secular law on him because you feel jealous of another wife is an oppression on him from you. It's simple as that. Furthermore, the prophet :saws1: was in a class of his own. He had 9 wives, can we have 9 wives too? He gave his wives the option of divorce but did he tell us that we should too?

No. Islam allows men to have more than one wife, HOWEVER, it is not a requirement. It is his Islamic right, it is also her islamic right to divorce him if she does not wish to be a co-wife. That's her right. People continue to bother with the rights of the husband, but what about the wife?

Sorry, but in a Non-Muslim country, follow the law of the land. OR GET OUT. Simple as that, go live somewhere where people can have more than one wife. I say this to anyone who wishes to have more than one wife in the West. Get out and go somewhere else.

[Bhabha]

A lot of countries that do have laws against polygamy only have laws against legally claiming more than one wife but cohabiting with more than one woman is just fine, which is hypocritical. So since she wont legally be a wife just islamically it is perfectly legal. Really the law enforcement that go after religious people who practice polygamy like mormons and muslims, are just being religiously intolerant.

No. If you have a wife and you have a relationship outside of marriage it is called an Affair and you're legally penalized. The law stipulates one wife, one marriage and that's it. If people can't bear to follow these laws, simply get out of the country and go live elsewhere. :) That's all you can do. It's like a non-Muslim wishing to have extramarital affairs in a Muslim country, he should go somewhere else if he can't abide by the laws, correct? Same thing. If a man can't keep his horny self, to his horny self and wants more than one wife, he should go somewhere else.

Also please do not compare Mormons with Muslims, do you know what Mormons do?

I have nothing against Polygamy, but if someone wants to practice it go somewhere else where the structure of the law allows for there to be PROTECTION for women in a Polygamous marriage. In the West, considering that it is ILLEGAL for there to be more than one wife, there is a higher chance for women in these kind of marriages to be in situations of abuse and neglect, because the system is NOT built for this.

[fromelsewhere]

Salaams,

There is a law in Islam that states that Muslims living in a non-Muslim country must comply with the laws of their country of residence without, at the same time, disobeying Islamic Law. This means that if polygyny is prohibited in your country, then your husband should abstain from marrying a second wife because he would in fact be disobeying Islamic law (he doesn't need a second wife to live a good Islamic life). While having up to 4 wives is permitted in Islam, it is not by no means a necessity nor the norm, and most Muslim men (more than 95%) that I know have only 1 wife and are happy and satisfied with 1 wife. So I would argue that your husband is in fact being a bad Muslim by seeking to marry a second wife not only because it is unfair for you (because he never had a conversation with you on the topic) but also because it actually violates Islamic law.

From reading your posts, @Muslimah1990 , I feel very sad for you that you are in a such a vulnerable situation right now. First, you have recently converted to a new religion that you don't fully understand yet. Then, you are relatively isolated because you don't have many Muslim friends that you can talk to for support or feedback about what is right and what isn't. On top of that, you are recently married and pregnant. It also sounds like you are quick to blame yourself (by saying things like "I am very hormonal") and to get depressed. I also find it quite disingenuous of your husband to look for a second wife in a hush-hush manner while his first wife is pregnant.

I think that there is a conversation that should have happened before marriage that didn't happen. Because you were new to Islam, I think that your husband is at fault for not explaining to you what marriage in Islam means and what his goals in terms of marriage were. Obviously, you come from a different culture and religion where polygyny is considered unacceptable, so the onus should have been on him to explain to you what you should look forward to with a life with him.

That being said, it is not too late to have this conversation with him. While I wish you all the best in your marriage, I think that it would be prudent for you to get supports in your new community as soon as possible, and to make sure to set clear limits about what you consider to be acceptable versus unacceptable in marriage so that you and your husband are clear and don't have any further surprises in your marriage.

All the best...

[azc]

Polygamy is allowed in Islam though but it's not essential to marry with more than one woman until justice between them is strictly taken care of. So I think it shouldn't be encouraged in this modern age.