/* */

PDA

View Full Version : My mistake of idolizing dating.....



Mustafa16
01-07-2017, 07:17 PM
How do I stop idolizing pre-marital romantic relationships..? I am eating less meat, I take antidepressants, which have a side effect of lowering my libido and making it harder for me to masturbate, I lower my gaze, yet I keep having fantasies of dating, cuddling with my future girlfriend, being alone with my future girlfriend, kissing her, etc.....why are Islamic marriages superior to western relationships, and why should I not date in college, so long as I don't commit zina? also, is it a bad thing for me to fantasize about that sort of thing? my therapist and mother have advised me to date in college when I am "emotionally ready" and my mother claims that doing an arranged marriage/matchmaking would be a bad idea, because since I am autistic, a girl may not understand me after only meeting a few times......EDIT: I don't always lower my gaze...I still look at girls' social media EDIT: @MuslimInshallah @sister herb @anatolian
Reply

Login/Register to hide ads. Scroll down for more posts
*charisma*
01-08-2017, 12:35 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Mustafa16
why should I not date in college, so long as I don't commit zina?
Because dating can lead to zina. Without dating, you will know you won't be committing zina since there is no one to commit zina with.


format_quote Originally Posted by Mustafa16
Islamic marriages superior to western relationships
Because Islamic marriages are blessed by Allah swt. You can be assured that if a girl marries you, she marries you and accepts you for the way you are. Western relationships are full of heartbreak and haram. You would not like it if a girl that you fall in love with breaks your heart or to hurts you, would you?


format_quote Originally Posted by Mustafa16
my therapist and mother have advised me to date in college when I am "emotionally ready" and my mother claims that doing an arranged marriage/matchmaking would be a bad idea, because since I am autistic, a girl may not understand me after only meeting a few times
Inshallah when the time comes for you to meet a nice girl, there's no problem with going on "halal dates"..this means that a mahram relative of hers will be there as you both get to know more about each other. If things go well, then you can get nikkah done and spend time with each other alone. But until that time comes, don't overthink everything. You won't know what's going to happen for your future. It could very well be that it is much better than anything you've ever imagined.

And I want to say that it's quite normal to be fantasizing about the person you want to be with, especially at your age. Just don't do it to the point that you get carried away making you commit indecent acts. You're old enough to know what's right and wrong, but I guess you just need reminding.
Reply

greenhill
01-08-2017, 02:16 AM
You seem very troubled with many temptations and challenges...

At least (in my humble opinion) you show signs of a healthy male (which is totally natural) as Allah made us to be attracted to the opposite sex. With it comes the challenges of life. To be successful in career, in choosing spouse etc… but all these needs to be done with proper guidelines as the test in this world is about keeping to Allah's path while we are tempted to stray away from it.

So, your healthy male hormones are your test at this stage of your life, a very difficult one to fight.

Only, if there is anything I can say on the romantic fantasies you are having, it is a very unlikely scene to happen. So, the more you fantasize, the more you are building a picture far removed from the reality of things to come and when you do meet someone (in the years ahead) you may find that person not fitting the fantasies you have and be disappointed.

So, easier said than done, concentrate and stay focus on what you need to achieve in this growing years as you have the rest of your adulthood to deal with the adult world matters. Once you enter that world, you cannot go back to being the growing up kid anymore. So, enjoy your stage of life now and try not to think too much of those thoughts.


:peace:
Reply

cooterhein
01-11-2017, 08:11 AM
I have a recommendation, which I hope will be worth thinking about.

Consider the type of family that you'll be joined to, once you go through proper courtship and marriage. Don't think about your future wife specifically, this is not the beginning of a fantasy, instead think about her dad.

Oh yes, this is not a fantasy. We're looking at a Muslim family that takes their faith seriously, and you're looking at a man who takes the well-being of his daughter very seriously. So let's imagine he's sitting across from you, sizing you up, and he'd like to talk to you about a few things.

He doesn't want to scare you too much, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. But he does have some genuine curiosity about you. Are you prepared to support a family financially, are you stable, that's always going to be a part of it. But there's quite a bit more to this as well. You haven't dated in the non-Muslim sort of way up to this point (I would assume, he would assume, and this is true so far). And that's good, he approves. So in the absence of that sort of thing, what have you been doing to mature as a man, what have you been doing to develop your character, what has gone into your preparation to be a husband and pursue a truly serious relationship with real commitment as an adult?

At this point, if you were to respond to any question remotely like this, I believe I can assume you would not tell him you've been avoiding meat and engaging in regular physical activity to tire yourself out. You would not tell this man about how you have been taking anti-depressants and this reduces your libido, so that....oh dear, he does not look especially happy with the direction this is going.

Now, those things are....not bad ideas. Not at all, and you're trying to have some self-control. That's the whole thing. It's tough, and these are some of the strategies that can help you try to deal. However, in the conversation I've asked you to imagine, these sorts of things hardly begin to address all the concerns that a (good, devout, Muslim) father is going to have when he's sitting across from you.

So may I make a suggestion. Make a point of focusing on how you can develop yourself as a person, to the eventual satisfaction of the scary man who's going to ask you all these questions. Talk it over with some people, see what you can figure out in terms of what you'll really want to focus on, and come up with a few things that you can act on and pursue on a regular basis.

This isn't really about finding the right things to say. The purpose here is not to imagine yourself lying to this man, and fooling him into thinking you're ready to go. The purpose is to give you some particular things to focus on, and those particular things involve your maturation process and they involve molding you into a person who's going to have truthful things to say and real experience to draw on that basically says, Yes I have put the work in and I am in a good place for courtship and then marriage.

I think this frames your situation in a fairly helpful way. You do have a lot to look at, and a lot to do, before you will be ready to sit down for this type of conversation. That's okay though, this is a normal place to be at. So figure out exactly what those things are, focus on them, make that your priority, and then the courtship love and marriage comes after you've put the work in.

Meanwhile, while you're putting in some legit work that will benefit you very much in the long term, I do believe you'll naturally start to think of certain time-wasting activities for what they really are. They're detracting from the personal growth that you're trying to achieve, so divert your attention from that to one of the more positive things that will actually help you with what you're working on at this stage.
Reply

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 22
    Last Post: 07-22-2015, 04:00 PM
  2. Replies: 14
    Last Post: 03-30-2013, 06:27 AM
  3. Replies: 4
    Last Post: 09-20-2010, 10:14 AM
  4. Replies: 11
    Last Post: 09-27-2009, 07:25 AM
  5. Replies: 26
    Last Post: 07-13-2007, 04:18 AM
British Wholesales - Certified Wholesale Linen & Towels | Holiday in the Maldives

IslamicBoard

Experience a richer experience on our mobile app!