Is this normal? Please advice me, my brothers and sisters in Islam

[anonymous]

Assalamualalaykum

I'm a Muslimah in my early 20s. My father constantly berates me, puts me down and verbally abuses me on a daily basis. Yesterday he called me really hurtful things while shouting at me. He constantly calls me a dog, *****, lowlife, worthless scum, etc. Im used to these labels and don't cry upon hearing them. I told a few sisters I personally know and they told me they'll cry and tear the eyes out if their fathers spoke to them that way. I feel extremely worthless and feel defined by the labels my father has given me. I want to know if its normal for me to get sworn at frequently and not cry or react?

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

If your friends have never experienced such things and happen to experience it randomly, without a doubt, they will find it shocking.

You, however, are used to it. I presume it's something that's always been the case for you, hence there is no shock factor.

That's all there is to it. You're not abnormal to feel this way.

May Allah make things easy for you. Aameen.

[whosebob]

May Allah make it easier inshallah. For ones own parents to hurt you with bad language is terrible. It is'nt normal. I suggest you go see a psychologist with your parents inshallah. Abuse of this kind can only cause you harm in the long run. May Allah grant your Father understanding inshallah. My parents use to argue all the time. This led me to leaving the house whenever their was an argument which led me down a terrible path. I still respected my parents though and things did turn out for the better, not only for them but for myself as well Alhamdullilah. Not everyone is so fortunate. Stop the abuse before it gets worst inshallah. That's how all abuse starts, with an argument and verbal abuse.

[greenhill]

Some people, while they are 'adults', do not behave like adults. They are suppose to gain wisdom with their age but maybe gained frustrations and take it out on the nearest and dearest…. unfortunately, that also happens. Some cultures, being older gives you the 'rights' which can be abused too!

May Allah grant you patience ...


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[s.ali123]

Assalamualalaykum

I'm a Muslimah in my early 20s. My father constantly berates me, puts me down and verbally abuses me on a daily basis. Yesterday he called me really hurtful things while shouting at me. He constantly calls me a dog, *****, lowlife, worthless scum, etc. Im used to these labels and don't cry upon hearing them. I told a few sisters I personally know and they told me they'll cry and tear the eyes out if their fathers spoke to them that way. I feel extremely worthless and feel defined by the labels my father has given me. I want to know if its normal for me to get sworn at frequently and not cry or react?

As another member said, you have just become used to it. I have also witnessed similar things in some very close families. It is just that you know that you cannot do much to change it, unless your father changes his own behavior, and made tawbah. Some sisters and brothers have not witnessed shouting in their lives, not even someone speaking loudly. Then if they listen someone even speaking loudly they start crying :P It is natural. Just be sure that you yourself do not do the same with your own husband and kids in future in shaa Allah. Learn from the mistakes of your family, and do not repeat the same with others. Usually in such families, these kind of things are used to be happening since generations, and unless there is a "break" in the chain (which you will become in shaa Allah), these keep happening even in the future. Do your own part in the best way possible, you are not responsible for others actions, even your own fathers. Till you become independent, remain patient, and when you can become independent when right time comes. In shaa Allah. May Allah help you in your struggle. Ameen

[FrancoDingo]

Unfortunately, as you have mentioned you are being verbally berated, and thus abused. Again, as you have mentioned, it is taking a toll on your psychological wellbeing. If you are feeling anxious and depressed and as though these labels apply to you then they are having a negative impact on you. This is not normal, and is in fact verbal and emotional abuse, which can be argued to be just as, if not more detrimental, then physical abuse.

An important thing that you should know is that what is being said about you has absolutely no truth. Bullies pick on targets that they know they have "power" over. That is to say that bullies will pick on people who will not defend themselves, in order to feel powerful. There is a manipulation of a power dynamic, which can be traumatic for the person being bullied. The fact that you feel these labels apply to you (which they don't), yet you have no reaction when they are applied to you suggests that you have already internalized these false labels.

The best thing that you can do to yourself is to understand that this is not normal. You are essentially being bullied by an individual who is using the power dynamic that exists between the two of you, to put you down, so that they can feel powerful. You are better than this, and you deserve better than this. You should pray to Allah, and ask for personal strength and guidance, again because you deserve better and through Allah you will find more strength. I just ask that you do not allow yourself to be brought down any lower, because of how hurtful the situation is. Rather, you use it as your strength, and you use that strength to understand your Father better, and understand why he has to resort to such means to make himself feel better. And you should supplement this with prayer, asking for more strength, guidance, love and understanding. I hate to read about good pious people who are subjugated to poor treatment, and even believe the nonsense that is said about them. You are much better than this, and you deserve so much better.

May Allah make it easier for you,