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sabazaz
02-04-2017, 07:20 PM
Assalam o alaikum!
I am 34 yrs old ,mother of 3 kids Alhamdulillah.
For the last 2 yrs my life is very much in problem.
I got divorced in dec 2015. Ex husband left the house on June 2015. I was left alone with 3 kids with no money. My family back home told me clearly that they won't keep me with 3 kids so either give kids back to their dad or so your own. So I had no choice left. I tried to survive alone. After a yr I got marriage proposal from friends of friends. He was sunni muslim like me and he proposed me and promised to take care of my 3 kids also. I accepted it and got married. He already had a wife who was ismaili and ismaili daughter. After few time he was told my someone that marriage between sunni muslim n ismaili is not valid . So he got separated from her and started living with me . Life was going okay for starting 3 months. He is 2 yrs old than me . But I look much younger than him . Ppl sometimes think that I m Sister of my 11 yrs old boy . So he started into doubt . He installed cameras in house, would keep track of my location where I go. And if I m going on shopping alone. He would call me and said not to cut the call so he can listen what's going around. In the beginning it was okay .but now I feel like suffocated . I have tried to tell him that at this age where I have 3 kids. Why would I betray him . And I love him a lot . He is a good person by heart and even he loves me too. But his habit of doubting is killing me everyday.
I was so cheerful person . But now I keep quiet all day. I don't even talk to my kids very heartily. I don't even get dressed or do make up as he doubts all this . And number of times he told me that why u still look so young ??
I am really depressed . So now I don't get ready .
Plz help and advice what should I do ??
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Umm Malik
02-04-2017, 11:08 PM
I don't have much idea about this but I can just advice to be patient and to try to calm him down by being patient with him feel this as a kind of love or psychological problem to can be patient with him ... he already taking care of your children and doing what he promised but it may be a kind of waswas and doubting problems so you can the hadith of the prophet
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said:
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales. Do not look for other's faults. Do not spy one another, and do not practise Najsh (means to offer a high price for something in order to allure another customer who is interested in the thing). Do not be jealous of one another and do not nurse enmity against one another. Do not sever ties with one another. Become the slaves of Allah, and be brothers to one another as He commanded. A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim. He should neither oppress him nor humiliate him. The piety is here! The piety is here!" While saying so he pointed towards his chest. "It is enough evil for a Muslim to look down upon his Muslim brother. All things of a Muslim are inviolable for his brother in Faith: his blood, his wealth and his honour. Verily, Allah does not look to your bodies nor to your faces but He looks to your hearts and your deeds."
And if this not work try to explain to him in easy way and tell him that with your fear from Allah and your love to him and your piety you can't do such a thing
Ask Allah more and do know that this life have some trouble some hardship and this better than more
Just ask Allah and he will help you
I am just trying to help and it just advice
The brothers and sisters will help you inshaallah
Allah knows best
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Elcocaloca
02-04-2017, 11:52 PM
Originally Posted by sabazaz
Assalam o alaikum!
I am 34 yrs old ,mother of 3 kids Alhamdulillah.
For the last 2 yrs my life is very much in problem.
I got divorced in dec 2015. Ex husband left the house on June 2015. I was left alone with 3 kids with no money. My family back home told me clearly that they won't keep me with 3 kids so either give kids back to their dad or so your own. So I had no choice left. I tried to survive alone. After a yr I got marriage proposal from friends of friends. He was sunni muslim like me and he proposed me and promised to take care of my 3 kids also. I accepted it and got married. He already had a wife who was ismaili and ismaili daughter. After few time he was told my someone that marriage between sunni muslim n ismaili is not valid . So he got separated from her and started living with me . Life was going okay for starting 3 months. He is 2 yrs old than me . But I look much younger than him . Ppl sometimes think that I m Sister of my 11 yrs old boy . So he started into doubt . He installed cameras in house, would keep track of my location where I go. And if I m going on shopping alone. He would call me and said not to cut the call so he can listen what's going around. In the beginning it was okay .but now I feel like suffocated . I have tried to tell him that at this age where I have 3 kids. Why would I betray him . And I love him a lot . He is a good person by heart and even he loves me too. But his habit of doubting is killing me everyday.
I was so cheerful person . But now I keep quiet all day. I don't even talk to my kids very heartily. I don't even get dressed or do make up as he doubts all this . And number of times he told me that why u still look so young ??
I am really depressed . So now I don't get ready .
Plz help and advice what should I do ??
Congratulation, this jealousy(if you really don't give a reason for it) is a disorder, in the same time I think he has feelings for you, I don't know much about your situation but it seems like this. So you can easily put him in his place as there should be trust in relationships, so just tell him as is, tell him you can't live in such pressure and it makes your life uncomfortable, tell him you wouldn't be able to bear it too long. I think it will put him in place, if he loves you and you really don't give a reason, then 90% that it will be enough for him to stop, just show your emotions, your disturbance, he is crossing the line when makes your living uncomfortable, show him that it is not ok. If he is a psycho then nothing will help and you should run. But I don't think he is psycho, so just put him in his place, if he feel that he can do anything he want with you it will get worse. Anyway, speak with him. Give him any evidence he wants but tell him that it shouldn't make your life uncomfortable, there is no love without trust. And remember, if you look young then you can find new husband. I know it doesn't sounds nice but you should protect your self, such things: "And number of times he told me that why u still look so young ??" unacceptable. He is not confident in him self or what? There is a deep mess, you should speak with him, you have your rights which are violated.
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talibilm
02-05-2017, 02:37 AM
Originally Posted by sabazaz
Assalam o alaikum!
I am 34 yrs old ,mother of 3 kids Alhamdulillah.
For the last 2 yrs my life is very much in problem.
I got divorced in dec 2015. Ex husband left the house on June 2015. I was left alone with 3 kids with no money. My family back home told me clearly that they won't keep me with 3 kids so either give kids back to their dad or so your own. So I had no choice left. I tried to survive alone. After a yr I got marriage proposal from friends of friends. He was sunni muslim like me and he proposed me and promised to take care of my 3 kids also. I accepted it and got married. He already had a wife who was ismaili and ismaili daughter. After few time he was told my someone that marriage between sunni muslim n ismaili is not valid . So he got separated from her and started living with me . Life was going okay for starting 3 months. He is 2 yrs old than me . But I look much younger than him . Ppl sometimes think that I m Sister of my 11 yrs old boy . So he started into doubt . He installed cameras in house, would keep track of my location where I go. And if I m going on shopping alone. He would call me and said not to cut the call so he can listen what's going around. In the beginning it was okay .but now I feel like suffocated . I have tried to tell him that at this age where I have 3 kids. Why would I betray him . And I love him a lot . He is a good person by heart and even he loves me too. But his habit of doubting is killing me everyday.
I was so cheerful person . But now I keep quiet all day. I don't even talk to my kids very heartily. I don't even get dressed or do make up as he doubts all this . And number of times he told me that why u still look so young ??
I am really depressed . So now I don't get ready .
Plz help and advice what should I do ??
:sl: Sister

an Hadith and a true incident will make you understand the situation you are in (you are better off than this Sahabia ) and your husband is . I think some women will feel happy about the gheerah husband has with his wife . will post it shortly inshallah

shaitan , Iblis the real enemy of us ( both of you ) is messing both of you making you going to the extremes . be careful about waswas of iblis and both of you read the last 3 suras especially sura 114 and understand and blow in your palms and yourselves and wipe over your body.
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talibilm
02-05-2017, 02:52 AM
Originally Posted by sabazaz
Assalam o alaikum!
I am 34 yrs old ,mother of 3 kids Alhamdulillah.
For the last 2 yrs my life is very much in problem.
I got divorced in dec 2015. Ex husband left the house on June 2015. I was left alone with 3 kids with no money. My family back home told me clearly that they won't keep me with 3 kids so either give kids back to their dad or so your own. So I had no choice left. I tried to survive alone. After a yr I got marriage proposal from friends of friends. He was sunni muslim like me and he proposed me and promised to take care of my 3 kids also. I accepted it and got married. He already had a wife who was ismaili and ismaili daughter. After few time he was told my someone that marriage between sunni muslim n ismaili is not valid . So he got separated from her and started living with me . Life was going okay for starting 3 months. He is 2 yrs old than me . But I look much younger than him . Ppl sometimes think that I m Sister of my 11 yrs old boy . So he started into doubt . He installed cameras in house, would keep track of my location where I go. And if I m going on shopping alone. He would call me and said not to cut the call so he can listen what's going around. In the beginning it was okay .but now I feel like suffocated . I have tried to tell him that at this age where I have 3 kids. Why would I betray him . And I love him a lot . He is a good person by heart and even he loves me too. But his habit of doubting is killing me everyday.
I was so cheerful person . But now I keep quiet all day. I don't even talk to my kids very heartily. I don't even get dressed or do make up as he doubts all this . And number of times he told me that why u still look so young ??
I am really depressed . So now I don't get ready .
Plz help and advice what should I do ??
kindly read post # 221 here

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...khan+is+a+LIAR


also communicate to him as the second poster here says BUT WITH KINDNESS WITH HIKMAH WHEN HE IS IN GOOD MOOD . communication between spouses is MOST IMPORTANT and its true you women have your rights on men as men have over you. too much of anything is good for nothing.
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sabazaz
02-06-2017, 01:22 PM
JazakAllah khair for suggestions !
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cooterhein
02-06-2017, 07:53 PM
Anything you try to do will almost certainly come off a lot better if a neutral mediator of some sort is involved. He will probably try to throw up roadblocks to the idea of getting someone else involved, even the idea that you're not happy and some things need to improve will be a sore spot. But that's how it is, and he most likely needs input from more than just you in order to get past that.

One thing that I would suggest (beyond the specific things that are a directly negative experience) is this. With the help of some mediation, both of you take some time to write down what it is that you, personally, want in life over the next 5 years or so. Kids, other family, work, social life, and any kind of thing that is more specific to you and less specific to both of you. Compare your lists with each other and work with your mediator to figure out what sort of compromises each of you has to make in order for both of you to be as satisfied as possible. I'm going to assume that your husband loves you and wants you to be happy, but in some instances (not necessarily directly related to the things you've brought up) it's possible that he doesn't know exactly what you specifically want for you, or he's making bad guesses about what that is. This can give you a framework to come back to that allows the two of you to plan for the future together.

If he doesn't want to go through that type of planning and compromise scenario, that's an excellent opportunity to tell him that there's no one else that you want to plan your future with and you can't see yourself making such plans with anyone else. In general, it would be good to frame all of this as an effort to strengthen your relationship throughout the rest of your lives.

Positive hopeful language is what you're going for, try not to suggest that an ultimatum is approaching or that your marriage is falling apart. It might be, I'm not really sure, but you want him to do this in order to accomplish something good, not because he feels fearful or threatened. As a matter of fact, a large part of the problem right now is that he is fearful and he feels threatened. Try to help him dial that down as much as you can. And also try to do most of this with mediation.
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ebrahimH
02-08-2017, 07:38 PM
Sometimes us men are real idiots we say we love that person but treat them bad I hope he comes to his senses and realise u love him and stop acting a fool we men only realised what we lost when it's gone and to late
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