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ummu
02-13-2017, 12:50 AM
Assalamu alaikum all.
I have been married for less than two years and have a baby son, I brought my husband into the country last year whilst pregnant.
I am in quite a predicament found out my husband was still communicating with his ex girlfriend and kept lying about it even after i held a family mediation on the subject of the same woman.My grandparents and uncle came and advised us, my husband swore he would block and delete the girls number. A weeks later I found that he was calling the girl and deleting his call logs, when I found this out I took my keys from him and told him I am going to my grandparents, that evening he stayed out And then I later found out that he texted his ex girlfriend for some assistance, he asked for some money. He then decided to sleep elsewhere Otha than his house. Whilst he was away he told both my elder sisters that he doesn't want any reconciliation between the two of us that he is done. He still stayed out. After that he called my uncle and said he wanted to see him and then we held a family meeting a week later,he told everyone present that he didn't want the marriage.2 weeks later he has come back And sed he made a mistake.my mum says if I choose him she will disown me and i will "kill" my dad by stressing him. She has banned him from coming to the house because she thinks he is just using me and never loved me. Every body in family says I should leave him.
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Simple_Person
02-13-2017, 03:30 AM
The ONLY thing i can advice you to do is make your OWN decision. Never listen to whatever family members you have. My own brother was married for 8 months. He lives with my mother and sister (father died before i was born), and they were having A LOT of fights. Do know that my mother and sister are not the easiest people to get along with. I heard all kind of things from both sides. One day he called me and i said, i have nobody to talk about this matter and i ask you how you see things, as he was still talking to his wife while she was at her parents house. I said to him brother, i know how our mother and sister are. Those people it is nearly impossible to get along with them. I will not ask you to divorce her or to stay with her. My argument is very simple. I said, you once told me that you brought your wife to her parents house and asked her father to please tell her to listen to you. I said, lets say you get out of the house and get your own house, will your life be good or bad? Will she listen to you or not as our mother and sister will not longer be involved in your private live? He said no, i do not think she indeed will be good for me in the end he divorced her.

The question is, why did i say to him i will not tell you to divorce your wife or not divorce your wife? Many times if it is NOT your choice, you will blame the people who choose FOR YOU and thus they "ruined" your life so to say. That is why, choose it for yourself. Do not listen to anybody but to yourself. Is he a good husband? Is there a possibility that he will change? Why did you in the first place marry him and not some other guy? Did you handle according to Islamic principles? Those principles are not just to beautify something you know..there is a lot of wisdom behind it. What are the possibilities to create change? Do not worry about the future for example if you might divorce him. It is Allah(swt) who is controlling things not you. There are enough men who even would prefer a divorced/widowed woman than who one isn't married yet. Think rationally.

So again, i will not tell you to divorce him or not to divorce him and do not listen to anybody who says divorce him or do not divorce him. Make that choice yourself.
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aminah996
02-13-2017, 10:44 AM
Salaam Sister,

I personally would not do something just because your parents said to you to do it, they can definately advise you and also assist you. But sister you are the ultimate decider for what should take place.

Firstly, I have no idea why he is contacting his previous girlfriend. Have you tried asking him directly. Asking for money, deleting the logs and speaking in privately are all very shameful things he shouldn't be doing when he has a wife. You are his only wife and he shouldn't be speaking to even other girls so secretively like that its not good for the both of you. This man needs to realise that you both have a child together and it's not something that he should take lightly. He should take his responsibilities as a husband seriously. Instead of even talking to the other wife secretely Allah has allowed him to marry two wives. So if he cannot really let her go then why doesn't he marry her aswell? (I am suggesting practical reasons).

Also, if he does say he doesn't have feelings for her and rather its just a waste of time. Why don't you try and stay there and be supportive for him and try and give him more love and support. Maybe he doesn't feel he is getting enough. Show him what an amazing family he has. In most cases when guys are speaking to other woman it's mainly because they aren't happy with their own family.

As far as you are concerned sister, you should understand that if he does agree to take you seriously. Then there comes rules and you should emphasise this. Its very important that he realises that you're not a joke and rather you're a human being. He should take your feelings into consideration and the fact you don't like it. You have a right to make those things clear with him.

Sit him down with the family and make this very obvious so that what he promises he cannot back out of it basically. And then let's see what happens after that.

InshaAllah wishing you the best success.
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ummu
02-13-2017, 11:27 AM
Assalamu alaikum all, jazkalllah khayr for all your comments and the time you've spent reading my post. May Allah bestow blessings on you all.I have really appreciated your well wishes and support.

I would like to ask your opinion on one important matter, I said previously that he has told both my elder sisters and grandparents and uncles that he doesn't want the marriage anymore on separation occasions.he says shaiytaan overcame him all those times but I don't believe him. My trust for him has completely gone.

I feel compelled to leave him because i don't want jeopardise my relationship with my parents as my mum says she will disown me if I leave him. And I know if I take him back I will not be secure with him.the trust is a big thing.
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Simple_Person
02-13-2017, 12:02 PM
Originally Posted by ummu
Assalamu alaikum all, jazkalllah khayr for all your comments and the time you've spent reading my post. May Allah bestow blessings on you all.I have really appreciated your well wishes and support.

I would like to ask your opinion on one important matter, I said previously that he has told both my elder sisters and grandparents and uncles that he doesn't want the marriage anymore on separation occasions.he says shaiytaan overcame him all those times but I don't believe him. My trust for him has completely gone.

I feel compelled to leave him because i don't want jeopardise my relationship with my parents as my mum says she will disown me if I leave him. And I know if I take him back I will not be secure with him.the trust is a big thing.
Sister i HAVE the feeling, that your husband may be a close relative(like a cousin for example) as your mother is willing to disown you if you would leave him.

Whatever your mother would want to do, it is NOT her decision or HER life. Looking from a logical perspective it almost seems like she is trying to save HER face and less care for the well being of her daughter as long as she does not lose face about this matter.

Again, my argument is still, do not listen to anybody who would say divorce him or who would say do not divorce him. It is YOUR choice and your choice alone. You can indeed take the perspectives of relatives in this matter but it is ONLY a advice nothing more and nothing less as our advice here on this forum. Within Islam the parents indeed are important, but there is also a border to where they have rights over you. As long as your well being is part of their decision, you MUST listen to them. If they do not care about your well being, then you are NOT obliged to listen to them. However remember to NOT look at it from your point of view, always look at it from Islamic point of view. You might not like something, but you're parents say you must do and also from Islamic perspective it is good for you, then you MUST listen to them as what they are telling you to do is not harmful. If they would tell you to do something that might be harmful to you from an Islamic point of view, then you are NOT obliged to listen to them and follow their "command" so to say.

So again, do not listen to your relatives who say you must divorce him or to your mother who says you must not divorce him. The choice is yours and follow the path of Allah(swt). Allah(swt) knows your intention. Your mother might die sooner than you and if you would live a life of misery because you did not divorce him, while you wanted to divorce him..you will rather come to hate your mother instead. As your life is no longer at home, but at a house that you do not like to be there.

Looking even more at a logical perspective, your mother will suffer on the Day of Judgement because of her doing injustice to you, while if would decide to divorce him, she thinking you did injustice to her is misplaced. As you know Allah(swt) will not punish you for trying to save yourself from misery.

So all in all, again please do not listen to your mother who says DO NOT divorce him or to other relatives who say DIVORCE him.
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ummu
02-13-2017, 12:21 PM
Assalamu alaikum
Jazakallah khayr. My mother is saying that I should leave him sorry it was typo.nobody is saying I should stay with him, mostly because he has disgraced me by saying to everyone one he doesn't want me.
But I understand what you are saying it's my choice and I shouldn't let others dictate me.
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aaj
02-13-2017, 02:59 PM
:salam:

If he said he doesn't want to be with you and the intention was there to be free off you then he may have given you a divorce through that. You should reach out to a marriage counselor/imam regarding this. It's great to have your parents/grandparents/uncles involved but they have not had the proper training that is required sometimes in dealing with these issues. Also, now it seems like only a family matter so he may not care much about it. But if the imam knew and his reputation would be known in the community should he decide to marry again then that's something he will have to think about.
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Eric H
02-13-2017, 03:04 PM
Greetings and peace be with you ummu;

You are the only one who can make a decision. We don't know you, we don't know your husband, and we do not know your parents, so no one here can give you any worthwhile advice. More to the point, any advice given is not our responsibility, we do not have to live with the outcome.

Pray for your husband, pray for your family and child, ask Allah to guide you.

You are in my prayers,
Blessings,
Eric
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