Unhappy with my marriage and my husband.

[Life_8]

Assalamu alaikum to you all. I want to write about the problems I have been facing in my marriage for the past 4 years and would like to receive your advice. I feel like I am lost in life i am not happy and lately I have been getting anger attacks where I sit and cry because i am just full in my heart with everything that is happening.
I am 24 years old, at the age of 19 I got married to my cousin. I married my husband out of love and thinking of having a good life good family and good future. Everything in our lives became sudden and fast, we got engaged and did nikah in 2 weeks then after a year i became pregnant and we had to do a quick wedding ceremony. After our engagement i started a sponsorship process to bring him to my country as he was living in Europe and I am living in North America. I was doing everything by my self, waiting for everything to be fast so we can start living together and have our own family. I was patient in everything and only hoping for good. I was working studying and at the same time doing everything for our marriage and sponsorship. My husband on the other side was also working studying and saving up money for us. However everything started changing when close to our wedding and when i became pregnant. Just want to point out something thay we are cousins from father side's, my mothers nationality and culture is different and i was born in a different country and mentality and raised by my mothers side. Close to our wedding ny husband was disrespecting my culture nationality saying a lot of hurtful words. His father was very involved in our wedding planning which i never minded and was happy to see him happy as well, but one day my husband pushed me to the wall because i nicely told him why can't he stop disrespecting my nationality and culture. And i was 5 months pregnant at that time, i let things go and was thinking things will change in the beginning everybody faces difficulties. My husband then apologized for pushing me and said it will never happen. But he repeated disrespecting my culture saying bad words to me making me cry even at our wedding. After wedding I returned back, and my whole pregnancy was a big stress for me because our communication was very bad I was always crying alone at home trying to keep everything to my self and when i would call my husband and tell him how bad I feel and why everything is happening like that. He would always avoid talking about the problems by being disrespectful saying that i should be patient like a traditional women be patient stay quiet to everything and maybe then he would start behaving better. I had complications at my pregnancy i was always stressed, I was working and studying at the same time my whole pregnancy was miserable to me because i wasn't happy at all. My husband came one month before my delivery and I had few names chosen for our baby which before his reaction was normal but when he came he told me that i was nobody to choose a name for our baby I was just an air and I have no right to anything. I used to cry everyday we used to have arguments everyday because he would complain about me he was always angry about me aggressive. I delivered my baby almost a month early with so much stress then I found out that my mother in law chose a name for our child and my husband never told me that and when my baby was born they called from Europe to tell us the name we should put for our baby. I would never say no to them for choosing a name as grandparents but my husband disrespected me a lot and never told me anything honestly. My husband was with me at my delivery and he got to witness all the difficulties and effort i had to go through to deliver our baby and he never apologized he didnt congratulate me he didnt say thank me he didnt appreciate me at alll. He left when our baby was 2 weeks old. I was fed up of this kind of relationship i was expecting us to be close respecting each other standing up for each other understanding each other's feelings.
We had ones a fight where he involved his parents my parents and grandparents and started blaming me infront of everybody then his father was blaming me and siding wirh his son. At the end my husband said infront of everybody to not listen to me and not believe me because i gave birth and I became mentally sick. At that time whatever I had for him in my heart died, after all when we become parents and when everything is supposed to be happy and perfect. I just live for my child and for the sake of this marriage and patiently go through everything.

After living in Canada my husband still involved his parents from europe to our fights or problems he tells them everything. I feel that we have no privacy because they know everything what i do what i say what we both fight about or argue about he reveals the whole privacy of our marriage. My parents live in the same country as us but they don't know anything about our fights they never heard anything from me about ny husband or our fights because i always kept his reputation good in the eyes of my parents. One day my husband was talking to his mother and complaining about everything and his mother sweared at my sister where he quietly listened and didnt say anything to her that it is not good, nothing. He always involved his parents into our problems he always told them everything he always complained about me to them and every time there is an argument between me and my husband he involved his father who along with my husband would fight with me and blame me. I am just tired of this marriage and life, I am always under pressure stress and always cry. He purposely says hurtful words infront of his parents he would purposely make me angry make me cry and wait for me to burst out and tell him something then he would go and tell his father what i told him but never told him what he did to make me cry and angry. I have no privacy in my life because my husband disrespected me said a lot of hurtful words to me he has been repeating everything since the beginning of our relationship, and when i get fed up and say something to him he goes and complains to his parents he tells them word by word what i tell him, sometimes I would message him to his phone things I couldn't tell him on the phone because he avoids talking he ignores, he would even show my messages to his father. My husband has a lot of pride and ego until now he didnt make any effort to make this marriage work but instead he has been complaining and always blaming me infront of everybody. Our child is going to turn 3 soon Inshallah, and our relationship is very bad we have no emotional bond we have no attachment to each other, all the love respect everything is destroyed. I have been patient to everything that has happenned i have no one in my back to protect me and stand up for me. I am extremely tired I did everything for my husband as a young wife and mother I always did as my husband wished I cooked the way he wanted i took care of my child on my own during the times when he was away and caused me so much stress and when he and his father used to fight with me over the phone and blame me. I patiently let go of everything, but i cannot get over anything. Because He filled my heart with so much hate , pain and negativity that all my feelings are dead for him. I tried telling him that he destroyed my feelings my love I had for him he broke my trust everything. Right after he went and told his father that i told him i dont love him and then his father would deal with me again asking if i love his son or no and that his son is a man he is the boss of the family i should live and do as he wishes. I just feel that my husband is very immature guy at the age of 27 he likes followinf his father instead where he should build his own family and be independant, he always repeats his fathers words and does what he father tells him to. I respect his parents but when i would tell him to not talk about our private life to his parents dont involve them into our life our problems and solve our problems on our own he doesn't understand. I am at this point where I no longer open my self to him i keep everything to my self i talk about the things he wants to talk, because I am extremely tired and scared at the same time that again if i say something what bothers me in my heart how i am feeling he will go and tell his father who will again call and start blaming me and defending his son. I forgave my husband ones when he promised to not repeat an action that caused a fight in our relationship then he repeated it again and it still continues until now. I just dont see any love in him for me because he completely ruined my reputation infront of his parents I have no self confidence infront of anybody i feel so low and bad in heart. He likes discussing about others he mostly does that with his mother he would sit and discuss my parents living infront of me when i would tell him i dont like you discussing my parents or talking about their life style. I just feel that he doesn't care about my feelings he doesn't give importance about my feelings and my tears. I dont like sitting discussing other peoples lives, until now i have never went to my parents to invilve them in my problems or comolain about my husband, but my husband does these things. I am extremely unhappy wirh him, we have no attachment no bond at all. He told me that i should work have kids do house chores and be patient with all the difficulties in life and he has to work come home and have his peace. I dont understand what kind of life this is, i was always happy before I married him i became now very stressed very unhappy and often cry because of everything. I dont know what i should do how i should live. He ignores me he avoids talking about the problems we have in our relationship he doesn't want to change his habits that cause us to fight he doesn't want to make an effort for this marriage. I dont know what i did wrong and why he even married me if he had so much negative feelings for me.
He doesnt respect me at all like a women and his wife, he often compares his parents with mine and puts my parents down. He doesnt realize that we have a child growing up and with his bad habits he will be an example to our child. He tells me to forget my nationality not to speak in my mothers language he completely wants to change me and control me. I just dont understand what kind of love is this i dont know how am i supposed to live in such a marriage with so much disrespect and so many people being involved and so much happenned. My husband completely ruined my relationship with his parents after involving them and saying negative things about me swearing at me infront of them and disrespecting me. I have no self confidence i feel very low and worthless. I am lost in life i dont know what i did wrong that i had to experience all this. I did everything for my husband whatever he wanted i did at everything i tried to please him i just feel that he is very spoiled and immature and wasnt ready for marriage. Until this day we were not able to talk properly and solve an argument between each other, because he always ended up sharing it with his parents. One day he called to our cousin pretending to cry and be upset and went to their house and was complaining about me and blaming me for things i didnt do. And i had to go tbere with my one year old son and my father to bring him back home. I dont know i cried writting this and now i also laugh because i dont understand my husband what kind of person he is and what he wants out of his life.
I told him few times if we cannot live in respect in peace and love we should consider a divorce before we have other children and live in a messed marriage. I am at rhe point i dont know what i should say we have no love no respect in our marriage what is the point of living if everything is repeating and he constantly blames me complains about me and tells me i should like a traditional women like our grandmothers, be patient and live this life like this. And everytime we fight he tells me i will divorce you he threatens me all the time .
I am extremely stressed i have no peace and no happiness in my life i need somebodys advice. I just want to live a life where i can also be happy, experience love respect and be confident and feel my self as a woman.
Thank you

[Umm♥Layth]

There's a reason you have a father, get your parents involved and stop worrying about your husband's reputation. Oftentimes, women get walked all over because they simply don't stand up for their rights. His behavior is unacceptable and I do not suggest any more children for you until it is 100% solved.

I'm not an advocate of divorce as the children suffer greatly, but I also know that it takes TWO willing participants to make a marriage work. If one person constantly blames the other and takes no responsibility for their actions, then it can become a lost cause. You really need to put your foot down and do something before it gets worse. Involve your parents and perhaps leave with your child for a while until your husband gets his head on straight.

DO NOT get pregnant again. Just don't do it. You think it is bad now...

Keep your child with you at all times and don't allow any fear to take over you. You'll find confidence when you begin to do something about your situation. A little human being with an inflated ego cannot do anything to you as Allah is your protector. Seek his help and his comfort.

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Life_8;

I am so sad to hear about your marriage, but I wonder how anyone here can give you advice. I say this, because we do not know you and your husband. Maybe the best person to give advice would be a local imam, if both you and your husband could go together.

Blessings,

Eric

[aaj]

:salam:

I would show this post of yours to your father and tell him everything. He is telling his parents everything and even got his father and mother fighting you. You need to involve your father and let him see what is going on. Any father would want to know if his daughter was being treated like that, especially by a relative. They are jahil and what they are doing is cultural jahilyah. And it will never stop so long as they think no one else knows what is going on. You need to tell your father so you have someone who got your back. Your father and you both also need to talk to an imam about this as well. So next time he comes to visit you then you sit him down with the imam and let the imam explain to him how wrong his actions are and to decide then and there whether if he wants a divorce or continue with this marriage and if not divorce then what he needs to do to make it work. Islam commands to stand for justice, even if against yourself. So why are protecting such oppressors? If not for yourself, do it for your child.

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[Umm♥Layth]

To be fair, we only know one side of the story and it isn't correct to advise divorce at a first glance. Marriage is very important and we should try our best to encourage reconciliation.

The life a single mother is VERY difficult and there will always be the shadow of the ex husband and in many cases you'll still have to see them regularly. Parents with an abusive ex spouse will also face parental alienation (where the other party turns children against the other and sabotage their relationship) and a number of other problems. It isn't as cut dry as people make it out to be. You'd be trading one set of problems for another unless you learn to become amicable starting NOW. I'm not trying to scare anyone from divorcing, but I'm stating reality as it is. I personally got along better with my abusive ex husband after divorcing than when we were married lol, so it isn't all bad.

Having been in an abusive marriage before and working with women who are in similar situations, I can tell you that men who show narcissistic behavior such as what is being described here, will rarely accept to seek the help of an imaam, but this has to be put on the table regardless. if he declines, then it is his choice.

As stated before, you have a Muslim father who I'm sure does not want to see you hurting. Get your parents involved and get an imaam involved also.

Another tip for you is to document everything as much as possible. You have to prepare for both the best and worst outcome. E-Mails can be used as evidence legally, use that as a main method of communication from this point forth, especially if you decide to stay with your parents for a while (which I suggest until he shows he is willing to improve his behavior). Do not engage him over the phone or any sort of emotional conversations. If he wants to have discussions, do it with a mediator (your father) so he doesn't step over the line. If you speak with him privately at any point, record it. In most places this is legal as long as you are part of the conversation.

For those of you who think my suggestions are extreme, you haven't dealt with a narcissist. Allah forbid that you do, it is a very sticky situation to be in and it is better to be safe than sorry.

I wish you the very best sister and hope you can reconcile. Find an Islamic counseling center, usually these places help keep couple together and work through abusive situations also. Anyone can have a change of heart you know.

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Umm♥Layth;

Very sound advice, some help is needed from parents, or possibly a marriage councillor or imam. As you say, such a man probably would not agree to seeing a third party, he would have to face his guilt.

Blessings,

Eric

[Simple_Person]

Sorry sister that I cannot provide you with good advice as I would rather say I would because of my ignorance and inexperience gave you bad advice instead. Often wisdom is accepting our ignorance and abstain from action.

Why still this comment?.. Well brothers and sisters read her story and learn especially the part of "marriage based on love". Although I am not married myself and never have been married I am a person that rather wants to learn from the life of others. I see these kind of problems often which again are based on the root cause of it all..which is not following up the advice of Rasullah (saws) when looking for a spouse which character traits she/he must have that can make a healthy and blessful marriage.

I have pondered about why the advice of Rasullah (saws) and it has me concluded that a spouse will never do you harm as in every action they think of Allah (swt). Every action be it good or bad is rather first looked at from the perspective of Allah (swt) if it is bad one abstains from it if it is good one proceeds with it. If there is less money..still one has trust in Allah if there is a lot of money one knows of the blessing and starts giving to people who have less money. If ones spouse dies again from the perspective of Allah (swt) we have trust in Allah and are patient because He does not forsake His servants.

So again becareful in choosing the right spouse.

And for you sister may Allah make it easier for you and find the way out of this phase of your life.

[Butterfly]

I would emphasize others here and tell you to let someone in on your troubles. Whether its your father/family or the imam. Also, if he beats you, don't be afraid to report to the police. He has NO RIGHT to treat you in that manner. Do not feel alone! Allah will pave a way for you. Don't be afraid, Allah is watching over you. Increase your ibadat and ask Allah to bless your husband with guidance.

Stay strong sister!

[Umm♥Layth]

I may have missed the part about him hitting you. If he is, you NEED to report it. That's one mistake I made in my previous marriage and I really wish I had records of each happening. There's a difference between reporting and pressing charges. As long as you have a report, you can use it in the future if need be. Calling the police doesn't necessarily land him in jail, what you are looking for is the report, you need to keep a record at all times.

[New revert]

Sister I would not continue too stay in your marriage this man doesn't sound like he loves u or his children by the way he treats you . Marriage is about love,respect,honour,caring,nurturing etc not to physically,mentally and emotionally abuse you and you have a responsibility to your children to be raised around positive,strong loving environment. This dose not sound like it. Big strong sister may Allah (swt) guide you in your difficult times I shall make Dua for you. Salaam

[Bobbyflay23]

I removed this advice because simple person kinda scared me didn't wanna ruin any ones life I just say go to a iman and seriously tell your parents also remember divorce is a last option

[Simple_Person]

Brother ...sisters ...please don't treat these cases with simple advice. We do not know the complete story.

There are cases that a sister out blows something while it isn't the case at all but rather just emotionally approaching it and thus becomes like that. I am not saying this is the same case but PLEASE beware what you are advicing. Abstain from giving advice and know your limits and ignorance in this matter. Think 3 times before advicing somebody something especially these cases. They could destroy somebody's life and you your self will be at home living your life no consequences for you at home while the brother and sister are suffering because of your advice.

So again think a couple of times before posting your advice. Rather say nothing than saying something that is harmful advice to this sister.

[Life_8]

Thank you all for your advices and responds. This is not just a story or made up based on the level of my emotional condition. I come from a very cultural background and since I married my own cousin my grandparents and his parents had a lot of influence over my life as well. Whatever problems I have experienced with my husband I have always heard one advice from his mother and my grandmother that it is normal and how a girl should have Sabr and patiently live through all this as later on everything will stabilize. However they did not realize when advising how a girl should be patient and forgiving they have never stopped their son from disrespecting me and emotionally abusing me. My husband is very attached to his mother in a bad way, I have my own son and always want my son to be close to me and respect me and fulfil his son duties later in the future, however I as a woman at first and as a mother, going through these problems presently. I would not want my son coming to me and like a woman gossipping about his own wife, saying how bad she is and telling me everything about her familys privacy or disrespecting his own mother in law and at the same time going back to the same wife sleeping with her under the same pillow and having a child with her. I just dont think it is normal for a man to go always calling his mother and unveiling all his familys privacy, putting down his own wife infront of his parents and watching his own dad fight with his wife and say a lot of hurtful words and after all the fight is done, then calling to his wife and saying sorry and saying how much he loves his wife. This has been repeatedly and continuously happening for the past 3 years. His father who is my biological uncle from my father side, many times fought with me over the phone defending his sons flaws and even ones told me that whatever his son does he is the man of his family and that he should tell everything to his mother and whatever his mother advices him to do he should do it that way. There has been many incident that have occured between my husband and I and which then my husband escalated our fights to his own parents and always involved them by always going and complaining about me to them. My husband always misrepresented me infront of his parents he always put me down infront of them he always said everything to me infront of them and always sided with them and making fun of me or even making disrespectful jokes in my address. This is why his parents dont realize their own wrong actions because my husband never created that balance between me and his parents and never kept that respect stable. I cannot talk about every single and each fight or incident that happenned in my marriage. But I dont believe any proper Muslim woman would say that she doeant love her husband if he has at first provided her the foundation principles of a family, which is respect, love, value and stability. As I never asked for a lot from my husband, because I have always been fed properly in my life and always had everything which my parents always provided me. So most important for me in my marriage was not the materialistic part, but I always wanted to be respected, valued, loved and always be protected by my husband. knowing that I can always rely on my husband strong shoulders and I can feel my self weak infront of him because of so much happiness and love that I receive. But after all of going through all the fights and family dramas I have taken everything in, at the end of the day my husband disrespected me so much infront of his parents and details to details talked about our fights and said a lot of hurtful words to me and always blamed me. now his own parents think bad about me and blame me for everything and my husband he doesnt realize whay kind of mess he has made and what kind of stain he has put in my reputation as his wife and as the mother of his child. God is witnessing everything and sees who said what and who did what, I have never said anything to his parents or disrespected them in any way, however at some point I had to stand up for my self alone and stop them all from blaming me and saying disgusting words to me which for them was okay to say but they never liked when i said them the truth and tried to stop from always involving in our fights and listening to everything their son says and believing to all his words. And after all he says that he loves me a lot he cares about me and he values me, I feel like either I have gone mad or I am married to a person who enjoys emotionally manipulating me and my emotions. I have completely no love for my husband , I have no feelings for him I have nothing for him in my heart. He has completely destroyed my feelings my soul from inside and broke my heart. I am very depressed at this point I have no peace in my mind I cannot concentrate on anything in life because I am deeply hurt and cannot get over anything. I cry everyday because I am truly unhappy in life and i am extremely upset at how everything turned out in my life, because I made my step into this marriage with a positive and good Niyaat expecting good and living in love and respect. My husband ignores when I tell him i no longer love him he right the way emotionally blackmails me and says either he will take away my son from me or says go tell to your parents you want to divorce so he can blame me at the end. I dont know who can help, I live in Canada and there is no local Imam, If i go and talk to a family specialist or somebody and tell them how everything happenned they will right the way deport him and charge him with a criminal act for pushing me to the wall and threatening me when I was pregnant , I have a son who will turn 3 and I am extremely scared of making the wrong decision because everybody in my family will blame me and say that I had to stay in this marriage for my son and be patient have sabr that my husband might change and improve and understand his mistakes. But how should I be if with all those actions my husband destroyed all my love i had and completely changed me as a person into a depressed unhappy person. What can i do now how can i live with my husband when i have no love for him anymore and how should i live with him in the future and trust him. I am lost.

[Bobbyflay23]

Thank you all for your advices and responds. This is not just a story or made up based on the level of my emotional condition. I come from a very cultural background and since I married my own cousin my grandparents and his parents had a lot of influence over my life as well. Whatever problems I have experienced with my husband I have always heard one advice from his mother and my grandmother that it is normal and how a girl should have Sabr and patiently live through all this as later on everything will stabilize. However they did not realize when advising how a girl should be patient and forgiving they have never stopped their son from disrespecting me and emotionally abusing me. My husband is very attached to his mother in a bad way, I have my own son and always want my son to be close to me and respect me and fulfil his son duties later in the future, however I as a woman at first and as a mother, going through these problems presently. I would not want my son coming to me and like a woman gossipping about his own wife, saying how bad she is and telling me everything about her familys privacy or disrespecting his own mother in law and at the same time going back to the same wife sleeping with her under the same pillow and having a child with her. I just dont think it is normal for a man to go always calling his mother and unveiling all his familys privacy, putting down his own wife infront of his parents and watching his own dad fight with his wife and say a lot of hurtful words and after all the fight is done, then calling to his wife and saying sorry and saying how much he loves his wife. This has been repeatedly and continuously happening for the past 3 years. His father who is my biological uncle from my father side, many times fought with me over the phone defending his sons flaws and even ones told me that whatever his son does he is the man of his family and that he should tell everything to his mother and whatever his mother advices him to do he should do it that way. There has been many incident that have occured between my husband and I and which then my husband escalated our fights to his own parents and always involved them by always going and complaining about me to them. My husband always misrepresented me infront of his parents he always put me down infront of them he always said everything to me infront of them and always sided with them and making fun of me or even making disrespectful jokes in my address. This is why his parents dont realize their own wrong actions because my husband never created that balance between me and his parents and never kept that respect stable. I cannot talk about every single and each fight or incident that happenned in my marriage. But I dont believe any proper Muslim woman would say that she doeant love her husband if he has at first provided her the foundation principles of a family, which is respect, love, value and stability. As I never asked for a lot from my husband, because I have always been fed properly in my life and always had everything which my parents always provided me. So most important for me in my marriage was not the materialistic part, but I always wanted to be respected, valued, loved and always be protected by my husband. knowing that I can always rely on my husband strong shoulders and I can feel my self weak infront of him because of so much happiness and love that I receive. But after all of going through all the fights and family dramas I have taken everything in, at the end of the day my husband disrespected me so much infront of his parents and details to details talked about our fights and said a lot of hurtful words to me and always blamed me. now his own parents think bad about me and blame me for everything and my husband he doesnt realize whay kind of mess he has made and what kind of stain he has put in my reputation as his wife and as the mother of his child. God is witnessing everything and sees who said what and who did what, I have never said anything to his parents or disrespected them in any way, however at some point I had to stand up for my self alone and stop them all from blaming me and saying disgusting words to me which for them was okay to say but they never liked when i said them the truth and tried to stop from always involving in our fights and listening to everything their son says and believing to all his words. And after all he says that he loves me a lot he cares about me and he values me, I feel like either I have gone mad or I am married to a person who enjoys emotionally manipulating me and my emotions. I have completely no love for my husband , I have no feelings for him I have nothing for him in my heart. He has completely destroyed my feelings my soul from inside and broke my heart. I am very depressed at this point I have no peace in my mind I cannot concentrate on anything in life because I am deeply hurt and cannot get over anything. I cry everyday because I am truly unhappy in life and i am extremely upset at how everything turned out in my life, because I made my step into this marriage with a positive and good Niyaat expecting good and living in love and respect. My husband ignores when I tell him i no longer love him he right the way emotionally blackmails me and says either he will take away my son from me or says go tell to your parents you want to divorce so he can blame me at the end. I dont know who can help, I live in Canada and there is no local Imam, If i go and talk to a family specialist or somebody and tell them how everything happenned they will right the way deport him and charge him with a criminal act for pushing me to the wall and threatening me when I was pregnant , I have a son who will turn 3 and I am extremely scared of making the wrong decision because everybody in my family will blame me and say that I had to stay in this marriage for my son and be patient have sabr that my husband might change and improve and understand his mistakes. But how should I be if with all those actions my husband destroyed all my love i had and completely changed me as a person into a depressed unhappy person. What can i do now how can i live with my husband when i have no love for him anymore and how should i live with him in the future and trust him. I am lost.

I recommend istikhara badically you read two rukah extra and the first rukah you read surah al kaffiroon and the next one you read surah al ikhlas inshallah allah will guide you to the best decision weather he does it from a dream or from just pure emotion towards a certain decision or makes him divorce you or somthing make lots of istikhara since there no iman get a fatwa from a fatwa website I can't ever recommend divorce but there are some situations where you need it so be wise and make your decision soon ask advice from your parents seriously I don't think they would be accepting to this behavior at all may allah grant you jannat al farduas for your hardship and maintain your sabr to the hardship so you can be loved In the eyes of allah swt I was not calling your husband a hypocrite but he does show the signs of one be careful with your decisions you will change lives or just yours his family his life and even your family's life your kids life

[Simple_Person]

Thank you all for your advices and responds. This is not just a story or made up based on the level of my emotional condition. I come from a very cultural background and since I married my own cousin my grandparents and his parents had a lot of influence over my life as well. Whatever problems I have experienced with my husband I have always heard one advice from his mother and my grandmother that it is normal and how a girl should have Sabr and patiently live through all this as later on everything will stabilize. However they did not realize when advising how a girl should be patient and forgiving they have never stopped their son from disrespecting me and emotionally abusing me. My husband is very attached to his mother in a bad way, I have my own son and always want my son to be close to me and respect me and fulfil his son duties later in the future, however I as a woman at first and as a mother, going through these problems presently. I would not want my son coming to me and like a woman gossipping about his own wife, saying how bad she is and telling me everything about her familys privacy or disrespecting his own mother in law and at the same time going back to the same wife sleeping with her under the same pillow and having a child with her. I just dont think it is normal for a man to go always calling his mother and unveiling all his familys privacy, putting down his own wife infront of his parents and watching his own dad fight with his wife and say a lot of hurtful words and after all the fight is done, then calling to his wife and saying sorry and saying how much he loves his wife. This has been repeatedly and continuously happening for the past 3 years. His father who is my biological uncle from my father side, many times fought with me over the phone defending his sons flaws and even ones told me that whatever his son does he is the man of his family and that he should tell everything to his mother and whatever his mother advices him to do he should do it that way. There has been many incident that have occured between my husband and I and which then my husband escalated our fights to his own parents and always involved them by always going and complaining about me to them. My husband always misrepresented me infront of his parents he always put me down infront of them he always said everything to me infront of them and always sided with them and making fun of me or even making disrespectful jokes in my address. This is why his parents dont realize their own wrong actions because my husband never created that balance between me and his parents and never kept that respect stable. I cannot talk about every single and each fight or incident that happenned in my marriage. But I dont believe any proper Muslim woman would say that she doeant love her husband if he has at first provided her the foundation principles of a family, which is respect, love, value and stability. As I never asked for a lot from my husband, because I have always been fed properly in my life and always had everything which my parents always provided me. So most important for me in my marriage was not the materialistic part, but I always wanted to be respected, valued, loved and always be protected by my husband. knowing that I can always rely on my husband strong shoulders and I can feel my self weak infront of him because of so much happiness and love that I receive. But after all of going through all the fights and family dramas I have taken everything in, at the end of the day my husband disrespected me so much infront of his parents and details to details talked about our fights and said a lot of hurtful words to me and always blamed me. now his own parents think bad about me and blame me for everything and my husband he doesnt realize whay kind of mess he has made and what kind of stain he has put in my reputation as his wife and as the mother of his child. God is witnessing everything and sees who said what and who did what, I have never said anything to his parents or disrespected them in any way, however at some point I had to stand up for my self alone and stop them all from blaming me and saying disgusting words to me which for them was okay to say but they never liked when i said them the truth and tried to stop from always involving in our fights and listening to everything their son says and believing to all his words. And after all he says that he loves me a lot he cares about me and he values me, I feel like either I have gone mad or I am married to a person who enjoys emotionally manipulating me and my emotions. I have completely no love for my husband , I have no feelings for him I have nothing for him in my heart. He has completely destroyed my feelings my soul from inside and broke my heart. I am very depressed at this point I have no peace in my mind I cannot concentrate on anything in life because I am deeply hurt and cannot get over anything. I cry everyday because I am truly unhappy in life and i am extremely upset at how everything turned out in my life, because I made my step into this marriage with a positive and good Niyaat expecting good and living in love and respect. My husband ignores when I tell him i no longer love him he right the way emotionally blackmails me and says either he will take away my son from me or says go tell to your parents you want to divorce so he can blame me at the end. I dont know who can help, I live in Canada and there is no local Imam, If i go and talk to a family specialist or somebody and tell them how everything happenned they will right the way deport him and charge him with a criminal act for pushing me to the wall and threatening me when I was pregnant , I have a son who will turn 3 and I am extremely scared of making the wrong decision because everybody in my family will blame me and say that I had to stay in this marriage for my son and be patient have sabr that my husband might change and improve and understand his mistakes. But how should I be if with all those actions my husband destroyed all my love i had and completely changed me as a person into a depressed unhappy person. What can i do now how can i live with my husband when i have no love for him anymore and how should i live with him in the future and trust him. I am lost.

Sister please do re-read my comment. I said

"There are cases that a sister out blows something while it isn't the case at all but rather just emotionally approaching it and thus becomes like that. I am not saying this is the same case but PLEASE beware what you are advicing"

Your problem is complicated and that is why i advised my fellow brothers and sister here, to abstain from giving you advice if they KNOW their limits and are not qualified to do so. There are more knowledgeable and wise brothers and sisters who are more of help to you on this forum then people like me and i acknowledge that. For me is your well being how rough you also have to face a period of time, but in the end again having peace of mind. That is why i know my limits and acknowledge that i will do more harm than good if i would advice you anything.

[Umm♥Layth]

Have you involved your parents? Yes or No?

[Life_8]

My parents know about everything that happenned, since i am married to my fathers brothers son, they all know my dads personality as he is very soft person and especially that i am married to his nephew he cannot side or even put ny husband on his place to make him understand and stop his father/ my dads brother to also stop involving. And my father in law or my uncle is completely the opposite of my dad he doesnt care who i am to him as he only cares about his sons well being and until today my husband is going to turn 27, his dad still defends him stands up for him and involves himself in his every problems to support him even at times when he is wrong. So my father and his brother are two opposite of each other individuals, this is why for the sake of my son and i dont even know why but i try not to let me parents involve at all because i feel that already because of my father in law and my husband the family relationship became so bad after this everybody will just become enemies and because my paternal grandparents are still alive but not as healthy and very old will be completely broken seeing at this age their children becoming like enemies and i dont want to feel guilty or be blamed again, because i know and which always happenned my grandmother or my grandfather coming to me and saying that i had to sabr and let everything go because of my son and because that this marriage is in the family. My mother is not happy seeing me living this life and emotionally suffering but she is also scared to advice me to divorce. My husbands mother i dont want to even mention that lady because she never thinks what she says and how she talks many times she has disrespected me said many hurtful words to me before marriage, after marriage, during and after my pregnancy and always I have had fights with my husband that lasted months because of the words she said, and how my husband always let her carelessly talk about me and even swear at my own family, the often would gossip about me and my family. She doesnt care how my marriage has been affected and how it is she pretends her self that she doesnt know anything and has nothing to do with it, because she is well aware that my husband will defend her every words and no matter what she says or what she does my husband and her own husband will be by her side and blame me as usual. It has been multiple times when nicely i asked my husband why he lets his mother talk this way and disrespect his own wife because respect is not only one sided but his parents should also respect me and watch how they talk and what they say, and i guess it is either the nature or his strong ego he said multiple times i will divorce or dont ever say a word about my mother and she never said or did anything, because every single time when we had a fight because of her before it even escalated to others she would either go to my grandma and cry infront of her or cry infront of her husband or kids pretending to be innocent or pretending to not know anything or saying how she didnt say anything or maybe something might have slipped mistakenly out of her mouth and i misunderstood her and it always happenned this way. So i dont see a point of my parents being involved in this all because until now my dad didnt have the strength or courage to stop his brother and his nephew from talking and creating such fights it is too late now to even say a word 3 years passed and my father is very soft like my husband he is very soft and easily manipulated by his parents.

Have you involved your parents? Yes or No?

My parents know about everything that happenned, since i am married to my fathers br

[Serinity]

:salam:

Try to communicate to him your pains and that you don't like the way he treats you (don't be emotional about this otherwise he will think you are just angry)

And Allah :swt: knows best.

[Silas]

As others here have recommended, I would certainly get your Imam involved with this

Your husband is not treating you with respect, and he is not assuming the role of a father and husband. He is looking to his family for guidance because he lacks initiative and maturity.

Physically abusing you, especially while you are pregnant, is a grave sin. To this he has added warrantless, emotional punishment.

Among devout Christians, those that commit grave sins such as these need to undergo what we call an "Act of Contrition". Not merely the prayers, but an actual undertaking, such as a pilgrimage, charity work, or spiritual retreat. Do Muslims have something similar to this?

He needs to turn around his life and learn to love and respect his wife. "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around".

[Umm♥Layth]

My parents know about everything that happenned, since i am married to my fathers brothers son, they all know my dads personality as he is very soft person and especially that i am married to his nephew he cannot side or even put ny husband on his place to make him understand and stop his father/ my dads brother to also stop involving. And my father in law or my uncle is completely the opposite of my dad he doesnt care who i am to him as he only cares about his sons well being and until today my husband is going to turn 27, his dad still defends him stands up for him and involves himself in his every problems to support him even at times when he is wrong. So my father and his brother are two opposite of each other individuals, this is why for the sake of my son and i dont even know why but i try not to let me parents involve at all because i feel that already because of my father in law and my husband the family relationship became so bad after this everybody will just become enemies and because my paternal grandparents are still alive but not as healthy and very old will be completely broken seeing at this age their children becoming like enemies and i dont want to feel guilty or be blamed again, because i know and which always happenned my grandmother or my grandfather coming to me and saying that i had to sabr and let everything go because of my son and because that this marriage is in the family. My mother is not happy seeing me living this life and emotionally suffering but she is also scared to advice me to divorce. My husbands mother i dont want to even mention that lady because she never thinks what she says and how she talks many times she has disrespected me said many hurtful words to me before marriage, after marriage, during and after my pregnancy and always I have had fights with my husband that lasted months because of the words she said, and how my husband always let her carelessly talk about me and even swear at my own family, the often would gossip about me and my family. She doesnt care how my marriage has been affected and how it is she pretends her self that she doesnt know anything and has nothing to do with it, because she is well aware that my husband will defend her every words and no matter what she says or what she does my husband and her own husband will be by her side and blame me as usual. It has been multiple times when nicely i asked my husband why he lets his mother talk this way and disrespect his own wife because respect is not only one sided but his parents should also respect me and watch how they talk and what they say, and i guess it is either the nature or his strong ego he said multiple times i will divorce or dont ever say a word about my mother and she never said or did anything, because every single time when we had a fight because of her before it even escalated to others she would either go to my grandma and cry infront of her or cry infront of her husband or kids pretending to be innocent or pretending to not know anything or saying how she didnt say anything or maybe something might have slipped mistakenly out of her mouth and i misunderstood her and it always happenned this way. So i dont see a point of my parents being involved in this all because until now my dad didnt have the strength or courage to stop his brother and his nephew from talking and creating such fights it is too late now to even say a word 3 years passed and my father is very soft like my husband he is very soft and easily manipulated by his parents.

My parents know about everything that happenned, since i am married to my fathers br

Sister, it is very difficult to read your posts without and breaks/paragraphs.

Are you saying your father knows and is too soft to do anything about it? If so, you'll need to involve an imaam. Someone has to stand up with you if your parents will not do it.

[Bobbyflay23]

Guys she's allready said that a imam is to far away if we can't give her help then I suggest her to go to fatwa website

[*charisma*]

Walaikum Asalaam,

Before exhausting all other options, we should never make divorce the first option unless someone is severely in danger. There is a child involved here. So brothers and sisters please be aware of what you advise.

Sis, if your husband wanted to divorce you, he would have done so without your request. You also would have left him without a second thought if that is what you truly wanted. But you are both holding on for the hope that changes will happen. You both need to discuss things with a mediator such as an imam, counselor, or a respectable and trusted person within the family. Then, set some boundaries and voice the changes you want your husband to make in order for your marriage to work out. If your husband agrees to them, then involve the families and let them know of their boundaries as well.

Next, and I don't mean to sound blunt or anything, but you have to put your emotions aside. Be stronger for yourself and your child. Don't think that if you divorced your husband that it will bring you happiness, because divorce, in essence, is the failure of marriage. Your marriage is not perfect right now, but you both can work towards making it a lot better. In your perspective, your husband is damaging the relationship, but perhaps from his perspective there are things which he believes you are doing which are making it worse. You both come from different cultures, so there's no doubt in my mind that the cultures are clashing, however there has to be some compromise and change from both sides.

From an outsider's perspective, I think that the biggest thing that is bothering you is not having the privacy you want. You can not break your husband's relationship with his parents especially if he has been open with them like this his whole life. He's a "mama's boy" (as it's called) but showing any negativity towards his parents will only make your husband resent you. Likewise the parents will also show resistance towards accepting you because you are meddling with their relationship. Instead, you should try to get closer to his parents, without his help. Be kind towards them and tell them you want a closer relationship. Show empathy towards your husband and let him know you understand his closeness to his parents but that he shouldn't discuss everything with them because it only hurts your relationship to know that someone may still be holding a grudge over something you did years ago while you both have moved on from it. You will have to swallow your pride to get there, but it's ok. At least you can truly say you've tried your best to make the marriage work. Never think that you can change the people around you (it's hard to even change our own selves!), but rather you have to learn to adapt yourself to different types of people, personalities, characters, etc. The first few years will always be your hardest, but if you can make it work then you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Just understand that you can only be in control of your own actions, no one else's..so you have the power to change your circumstances by changing how you react to different situations.

[Umm♥Layth]

I've already given my two cents and what I can add is that it takes two hands to clap at the end of the day. If you truly feel abused, sister, or like your rights are being taken (which it is apparent that some are) you have to put your feelings aside and take action. Playing victim and pointing fingers will never help you. If you "can't" reach an imaam, then find somebody else that is willing to get involved. Somebody who is strong enough to weed through all the finger pointing, blame shifting and drama. Perhaps a councelor of sorts. Look online for your closes islamic center or muslim community and find resources.

I'll have to respectfully disagree with showing even more empathy and allowing the violation of privacy to continue. No matter how close parents are, we shouldn't go and tattle every fine detail. I personally am VERY open with my mother in law about her son and also about myself. I chose to do it this way with her, but the level of details is totally up to me and I only share what I need to share to get advice. I don't bad mouth my husband or his family and even if I did, she wouldn't have it. His parents shouldn't tolerate it either. This man is an adult, not a baby. He is supposed to be protecting the sister, not oppressing her. If she FEELS oppressed, then she has full rights to feel that way. That's why we involve a 3rd party to weigh everything and asses the situation.

A marriage isn't always bliss, but it should never feel like an entrapment. Marriage is about self development and when either person fails to develop, the marriage will fail. So sister, you have to think about how you've allowed for things to get to this place and you have to take action if you want things to change. Like it was said before, you have the power to change how you react but zero power to change anyone else. Only you.

[fromelsewhere]

I dont know who can help, I live in Canada and there is no local Imam, If i go and talk to a family specialist or somebody and tell them how everything happenned they will right the way deport him and charge him with a criminal act for pushing me to the wall and threatening me when I was pregnant , I have a son who will turn 3 and I am extremely scared of making the wrong decision because everybody in my family will blame me and say that I had to stay in this marriage for my son and be patient have sabr that my husband might change and improve and understand his mistakes.

This part is not true. If you talk to a professional (such as a: social worker, marriage counselor, psychologist, doctor) who is bound by confidentiality, they will not get your husband arrested or deported - unless there are exceptional circumstances such as if your husband made clear threats to kill/harm you or your son. They might get the Child Protection Services involved IF they believe that there are reasonable grounds to suspect that your son may have been abused or neglected by your husband. But based on the story so far, it doesn't sound like this is the case. Therefore, there are no reasons for you to be scared or worried about approaching a counselor, such as a social worker or your family doctor, to start a discussion on the matter.

I think that you are at the point where it might in fact be quite beneficial for you to talk to an unbiased, professional counselor who will help you balance the pros and the cons of your current marriage situation without trying to guilt you into either hastily divorcing or staying in a non-functional marriage.

If you have a sister or brother that you are close to (or one parent who is more understanding than the other), maybe you want to start a discussion on the matter with them in private.

In the meantime, you can check out this Muslim Women helpline: https://nisahelpline.com/. The toll-free number, 1-866-315 NISA (1-866-315-6472), is accessible anywhere in North America, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was an article in a Canadian newspaper on this helpline a couple years ago (https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/201...das_first.html). I don't know what this helpline is worth, but it doesn't hurt to call, does it? If you are living in Ontario and want to better understand your legal rights in Ontario/Canada and see how these laws relate to Islamic family law, you can check out this website: http://yourlegalrights.on.ca/resourc...e-muslim-women

Help is available, but you need to find out for yourself what may be helpful to your situation and what isn't. Maybe talking to your parents will not help a lot (but then, who knows? Maybe your father will be very displeased to learn about what has been going on and will talk some sense into his brother). But you don't know what helps if you don't try.

Last but not least, I sincerely wish you best of luck in resolving your situation and finding appropriate help. Do your best to stay calm and to not let your husband's bad words and emotional blackmailing affect you because the more you let it show that it affects you, the more he will continue.