format_quote Originally Posted by
anonymous
If you dont mind me asking, which abuse affected you more, physical or verbal? Did you go to therapy to get healed from the abuse?
Well which abuse affected me more, it is hard to say as both of them in the end being finished as psychological abuse resulting in hatred from my side towards that person. The hatred that i felt the best i could describe it, is when somebody looks at something that terrifies that individual to the core if they would have understood how hateful the hate became in me and i was capable in doing. I'll better not use more details besides that but all i can say is that hatred eats you from inside. Still sub'han'Allah it never made me go soft or so in the sense become all weak, it rather was the fuel for my own ambitions to achieve worldly things. What did heal me from all of this? Well it took some time to be honest.
I female colleague of mine when i talked to her one time about it, she said..what if you would have achieved all of it..then what? To be honest, that was the FIRST time i had nothing to answer. So the ambitions i had that was part of the hatred, went that day out of the window. That was the first time i became depressed, because i lost the purpose i had in life..my life goal you could say. Although i still had the hatred, but it wasn't anymore the life goal. It took later on about 5 years that also took away the other hatred. Somebody said to me when i explained it to that person, ignore it. Having hatred you will achieve nothing, rather forgive that person as forgiving that person hits them even harder so to say. It is for example the SAME as when somebody insults you and instead of you going against it, you just don't see that person worth your time and ignore that person. This hits that person even harder.
About half year later i became Muslim by choice. We often don't ponder about what resides in our heart but when you look at it, you must well see it as a vessel.. IT MUST be filled with something. The choice is yours. What do you want it to be filled with? In case of your father belittling you etc. ask yourself are his words true? I mean i can say "you are A LIAR"..but just because "I" say you are a liar doesn't make you a liar right?
There are 2 types of people.
Type 1: Gives you feedback on your bad behavior so you can learn and change your behavior towards good. These people are good people who care about you.
Type 2: Belittles you. For example saying "you are nonsense". Huh? Why am i nonsense? based on what do you say this?
So this type 2 people, these are intellectually very poor. They have no strong opinion but follow like sheep the society. These people have only one thing to react on, ignore. Ignorant as ignorant can be and not worth your attention. I have in my own family also such people although they do not belittle me but other people, but just say something out in the open. These people if they say such a offending thing about other, will also talk about you with others. Off course they have the wrong person in front of them as i HATE this behavior when they belittle others. I say for example, you have FOR sure made 1000 mistakes in your life and i have for sure made 1 million mistakes in my life, so why talk about others when we ourselves are not perfect right? Off course they cannot something else but say you are right. Hopefully they start pondering the next time as i can belittle them, but rather having a different approach.
So with people who belittle you, rather start a intellectual conversation about the subject matter. For example if they say, "you are worthless". Say based on what do you say i am worthless? And do you know what is worthless? What do you pursue? What do you want to achieve? Off course i must keep in mind, this is how MY character is, not necessarily yours also. So if not, all i can say is go again towards what i said as if i say you are a liar, doesn't make it a fact you know. In other words i am not worth listening to. Why do i say this? In Allah's eyes if the WHOLE world said homosexuality is OKE..good..etc. STILL in the eyes of Allah is bad. So never look from the perspective of others, rather look if Allah is pleased with you.
There are other family members of mine although they have been Muslim their whole life, they suddenly want to try to "tame" me when it comes to Islam and want me to be like them "culture"-Muslims. But i am VERY DIRECT as i have grown up in the west. If i see hypocrisy i see hypocrisy and speak against it, although in the last years i have seen that many of my own family KNOW some things are prohibited, but still do it. I leave them be. Rather took a distance from them when it comes to such things. I say ALHAMDULILLAH everybody ends up in their own grave. Right now i see my own family members as people who have rights over me more than others. For the sake of Allah i do not cut these ties as Allah has prohibited us to do so or else i would have done all along. So i try to have patience and be friendly with them and try to give them their rights whenever possible.
In my head i live already on the Day of Judgement. These people will try to gather good deeds from me whenever possible, so i try to always be polite and educate them on small things, try to make them ponder about what i am saying. But still try to stay shallow not go so much in depth as they are easily offended and they have their own road to walk on and come to a conclusion. If they want money..here take it, if they want help i help..if they want anything else i try my best to help them with it. However ALWAYS Allah goes on #1. In the past they wanted me try to achieve things with the authorities as they wanted to migrate to the west and so i find ways. However there are NO legal ways and i do NOT do illegal things also go and lie. As on the Day of Judgement i will be held responsible for lying not them. So i clearly make the border to not cross over.