Help me advise my brother

[anonymous]

:sl:

My younger brother is 25 years old. He's my only brother.

He is involved in a lot of haram activities. He smokes weed, he has his own house and lives with his girlfriend (who he cheats on), and recently I've found out he also drinks. The only reason he lives in his own place is because he doesn't want to live with my parents..so he can have freedom to do as he pleases.

My brother has a really good heart and he wants to change, but for sure he has some addictions that he is unable to get over. I used to find pornography on his phone before he moved out of my parents house. I never brought it up but I realized that my innocent brother is not the same person anymore at that point. He only got worse after that. I wish I said something, but I didn't know how...I thought maybe it's just a guy thing..I'm a girl so I didn't know if this was just a phase that guys go through or what.

Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. Allah gave him a chance to fix his life and he's been cancer free for a few months now alhamdulillah. But instead of changing his ways, he has returned to them.

My heart is broken because I love him so much...and I want to talk to him, I know he will listen with an open heart, but I don't know if my words will ever be strong enough to change him. I'm so angry with him, I'm hurt by how much he's hurt my parents and continues to hurt them. My biggest fear is that he won't change and I will cut him out of my life because this isn't something I want to deal with..this isn't an attachment I want to have if he's not sober and doing well. I'm thinking if the illness Allah sent him did not change his mind, how will I? He doesn't have any brothers, so he's been filling this void over the years with bad influences and that's how he got into the mess he's in. If anyone has any advice, please advise me. More than anything I'd like to have a brother who makes my parents proud and happy.

[*charisma*]

Walaikum asalaam,

I found this today, inshallah it will be of some help:

"Oh you who drinks alcohol, does drugs, commits zina, and everything else. Don’t feel hypocritical or too ashamed to pray. Don’t feel hypocritical if you want to go to the masjid or come to Allah and do deeds to make up for when you’ve fallen. Don’t lose hope in Allah’s mercy. The people judging you are not Allah. Shaitain is cunning and will make you feel you’re too far gone, that you’re not good enough to do these things. No one is perfect, not the most “religious” of “religious” person. Allah knows you, He created you, and this struggle you are going through is not in spite of Him, it’s actually from Him. He dropped you to rock bottom maybe so that you’d remember that no one else but He can help you. So you’d turn to him and put your head on the ground and beg for help. Falling down time and time again and pleading to Allah that you’re doing your best but you need his help because you keep screwing up is not hypocrisy. That’s jihad and repentance, two things Allah loves."

Don't cut your brother off from your life. I know its difficult to see someone not taking heed of good advice, but if every mother gave up on her son the world will be motherless. We are reminders for one another, that is our part to do and with Allah's will and permission, our message can guide someone else even when we don't think it will. :)

May Allah grant you ease and guide your family ameen.

[AbdurRahman.]

:wa:

Sister, please advice him that cancer could come back; it happens to many people; they think they are free of it and some time later it's back!

so as an urgency he really should turn his life around; he may not have long to go before he meets his maker!

[Umm♥Layth]

Walaikum asalaam,

I found this today, inshallah it will be of some help:

"Oh you who drinks alcohol, does drugs, commits zina, and everything else. Don’t feel hypocritical or too ashamed to pray. Don’t feel hypocritical if you want to go to the masjid or come to Allah and do deeds to make up for when you’ve fallen. Don’t lose hope in Allah’s mercy. The people judging you are not Allah. Shaitain is cunning and will make you feel you’re too far gone, that you’re not good enough to do these things. No one is perfect, not the most “religious” of “religious” person. Allah knows you, He created you, and this struggle you are going through is not in spite of Him, it’s actually from Him. He dropped you to rock bottom maybe so that you’d remember that no one else but He can help you. So you’d turn to him and put your head on the ground and beg for help. Falling down time and time again and pleading to Allah that you’re doing your best but you need his help because you keep screwing up is not hypocrisy. That’s jihad and repentance, two things Allah loves."

Don't cut your brother off from your life. I know its difficult to see someone not taking heed of good advice, but if every mother gave up on her son the world will be motherless. We are reminders for one another, that is our part to do and with Allah's will and permission, our message can guide someone else even when we don't think it will. :)

May Allah grant you ease and guide your family ameen.

This quote made me cry. It is so sweet and so very true.

OP, I also have a brother that I love with all of my heart who is involved in similar things. I know how you feel and the best I can advise is to never cut him off. Ever. Be there to help advise him and for him to look at and aspire to be like. You never know how you will impact his life for the better. Do not criticize him, just start conversations about things that are good for him. Maybe he has interests he hasn't explored due to his lifestyle, focus on that. Send him short reminders like the quote above every now and then. One day, insha'Allah he will come around. That's the hope I have for my own brother and I hope the same for yours.

May Allah guide us and our loved ones to the straight path always. Ameen.

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[noraina]

Wa alaykum assalam,

Please don't cut your brother off. You obviously love him sincerely and genuinely want what is best for him, you may be that one thread he has still attached to the deen. I have seen when this happens that they being cut off from their family does nothing good, they are just pushed even further back into the dark world out there with no-one to pull them back.

I am almost certain that apart from you and your family there is no-one else who will advise him or be so patient with him, if he will listen to anyone it will be you guys - so in'sha'Allah continue to stand as his support and have faith he will one day change. Being without family is a lonely experience, especially for someone with a troubled life.

You can gently advise him, some tough love maybe, give him reminders and your own wonderful example as an older sibling. And make abundant dua. Allah is al-Muqallib, the Turner of Hearts. You said your brother wants to change, and if he sincerely does, then it's not impossible for him to change in'sha'Allah.

May Allah swt ease your family's hardships and guide our loved ones to the truth. Ameen.

[Serinity]

:salam:

Do not cut him off. I am pretty sure he is a nice guy, just caught up in his desires... Have good thoughts of him, and do not look down on him for what bad he does - advice him - but do not force him.

Speak about Islam, etc. I know for a fact that one of the ways I did good in school, and passed the exams and left my sins - was because I followed a higher purpose. Like, in Islam, seeking knowledge is important, be it dunyah or Deeni.

So advice him, and treat him as you'd want to be treated, do not encourage his actions, but do not be too harsh on him.

Encourage him indirectly towards prayer - do not let him feel hypocritical about it - be nice about it. Because Salah purifies the soul, In shaa' Allah. If someone is sick or struck by a disease, do you forbid him from the cure? No. Same here.

Invite towards prayer - do not mention his sins, In shaa' Allah, he will realise it, himself. Be nice to him - show him mercy - be sympathetic. You should feel sorry that he is engrossed in sin - not angry. Erase evil with good.

You should feel sorry that he is sinning, hating him and viling him (I know you don't) will only help shaytaan with his tricks.

Allahu alam.

[whosebob]

I did hit rock bottom. All the doors were closed except one, which is Allah.

His sick, all he needs to do is go to Mosque. Allah will change his perceptive inshallah. He does'nt understand that their is something better because he has forgotten what it feels like to be in Allah's presence. You walk towards Allah and Allah will run towards you, Alhamdullilah. That is what happened to me. I took a small step and Allah did the rest mashallah.

My ustad taught me the best way to build on ones acts of worship. Start somewhere, whether it is one salaah, learn one of Allah's names, go to mosque ones a day etc. Build it up slowly, eventually one will be eager to do more for Allah inshallah.

[fromelsewhere]

Plenty of good advice here. Don’t cut him off. Also, avoid guilt tripping him, as there is nothing more patronizing than being guilt tripped especially if you make it sound as if you believe that his cancer was due to his bad actions.