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Daisies08
05-29-2017, 04:26 PM
I am going through a phase where it is extremely common in the society and it is killing me. I have started to grow feelings and much admiration for a man who is married :(

I like to believe that i am a person with values and principles. After hearing countless news on extra marital affairs, i am one who's against it & it irks to know that people are bold enough to create such situation. Now the thing is, i am being tested on this.

To start off, we are colleagues and From the very beginning I already knew he has a wife & two sons & wallahi I didn't create any attention/showed feelings/flirt, whatsover. I literally lowered my gaze & stayed away from him because i know he's a married man despite having a mini crush on him. Worked together for about 2 years now & for the first 1 1/2 years it was a normal relationship as any other men & women at work. Somehow things got a little different beginning of this year when one night, he started to text me a little too casual than the usual and sent me a text, asking me out on a dinner.

Fast forward, i'm just gonna say i have grown to like him even more. I feel like my heart became too attached to him yet all i wanted was push him away. We went out for a casual dinner twice but we text quite often since 2 months ago. I like him for his character and charm. He's charismatic and very driven. Although I don't know him well on a personal level, I admire him just from work and how he presents himself.

I guess this was my fault from the very beginning to accept his 'dinner date', it was my fault for giving him attention & opening up my feelings to him. Because he's going through a problem at home with his wife, that was why he 'escaped' from the situation and instead of trying to resolve the issue, he decided to find comfort elsewhere. For many times, i've been trying to make him fix his marriage problem but he insisted that nothing could be done. I felt so helpless and sympathize his wife and at the same time mad at myself.

Till this day, he still confessed his feelings to me & continues to text me. I however have replied him a lot lesser and trying to give him the cold shoulders while still being nice since we're colleagues. Wallahi i really wanted to end this affair yet i am missing him so badly :( i am willing to get my heart-broken knowing that I'm walking away from this sin
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*charisma*
05-29-2017, 05:02 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

I want to make a few points because your affection for him is making your judgement a bit cloudy.

Originally Posted by Daisies08
I like him for his character and charm. He's charismatic and very driven. Although I don't know him well on a personal level, I admire him just from work and how he presents himself.
His character is garbage. It's thrown out the window the moment he cheats on his wife with another woman. He has control over how he presents himself to you, so if he wants to be charismatic and very driven, he can absolutely portray that and make you feel admiration for him. But someone who is truly charismatic and driven would know how to fix his life instead of wooing another person into this mess.


Originally Posted by Daisies08
Because he's going through a problem at home with his wife, that was why he 'escaped' from the situation and instead of trying to resolve the issue, he decided to find comfort elsewhere. For many times, i've been trying to make him fix his marriage problem but he insisted that nothing could be done. I felt so helpless and sympathize his wife and at the same time mad at myself.
The problems with him and his wife is NOT your issue for you to fix. He could have confided in ANYONE else, a male collegue, a close friend, his parents, a sibling, a counselor, a sheikh, literally ANYONE else, but the very first person he should be talking to and hashing it out with is his OWN WIFE. Don't allow him to make you feel like you are needed. The truth is YOU ARE NOT. You are just an accessory. What he's doing is cowardice, and you should be terrified to put any of your trust in someone like that because his character is questionable no matter how nice, kind, and loving he may seem.

Originally Posted by Daisies08
Till this day, he still confessed his feelings to me & continues to text me. I however have replied him a lot lesser and trying to give him the cold shoulders while still being nice since we're colleagues.
You need to make it clear that he's married and cut contact off completely. This is unacceptable and it should be for you as well. Allah has made many things halal for us but you are both choosing the haram route. He can have you as a 2nd wife in a halal manner. He can divorce his 1st wife and then using some honor ask for your hand appropriately. He can MOVE ON and fix things with his wife. He has a lot of options here. You on the other hand have to stop contacting him because you have no business talking to him until he figures his own life out.

Originally Posted by Daisies08
i am willing to get my heart-broken knowing that I'm walking away from this sin
You'll get over it. It's all infatuation, not love. If he truly loved you, you wouldn't be doing any of this because a husband is for your akhira as well as your dunyaa..he's just having fun with you on the side. You don't even really know his situation at home because you've only heard one side of the story. He could be the one causing problems in his marriage instead of his wife this whole time, and I wouldn't even second guess it considering he is cheating on her instead of spending time with her and doing nice things for her. How often does he take her out to dinner??
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Search
05-29-2017, 05:10 PM
:bism: Bismillah Ir-Rehman Ir-Raheem
(In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (And peace be upon you)

Sister, I'm genuinely sorry to hear of your situation and troubles. That said, I am also confident that you know well what you have to do: cut off all contact with him. Please do not return his texts or accept from henceforth any dinner invitations. Shaitaan is always a third between the opposite gender, and you have to try your best to not let any situation return in which you can be alone with him.

Sister, what you're describing is infatuation and not love. Recognize you're not his wife and therefore you do not deal with his different negative moods at home that probably include include at times arguing, petulance, and escapism. So, you're both just seeing the best side of one another for a few hours at workplace, a place wherein professionalism is expected, and therefore none of you are dealing with the day-to-day challenges of being in a marital relationship. Consider whatever happened a test. And move on forward from this point onward. He'll probably try to sway you away from doing so, and you must be strong. Remember that Allah is with the patient (Qur'an 2:153).

Also, if possible, if I were you, I'd start immediately searching for and interviewing for new jobs. Because once a line is crossed, it is harder to have it redrawn. And there's always the possibility that either you or him may be tempted into crossing it again at the workplace if either of you feel too inhibited by the line drawn or otherwise lonely, depressed, troubled or whatnot in your life due to other life circumstance. So, do yourself the favor and either quit the job or start searching for new one while you working this one as you're going to also want a fresh start away from this situation.

I'd also strongly advise you that you do not disclose any of this situation to a potential future partner because you haven't I am assuming crossed any physical limits and only crossed spiritual boundaries that can lead to eventually the crossing of physical limits; so, it's better that you keep this information to yourself as unnecessarily you'll be creating suspicion in the mind of a future partner as to your character.

And just as a FYI, I want you to know that men generally talk bad about their wives to women they perceive as willing to become their girlfriend, but these men generally do not have any intentions to leave their wife and children and marital home and take responsibility for any girlfriend; they are only good at sweet-talking and taking advantage of the in-built vulnerability emergent from the woman's feelings for the married man. Sincerely, sis, he's not worth the trauma you'll face if you continue getting closer to him. Cut him off. Not tomorrow. From today, this moment, now. Let this be a new beginning for you, and especially since it's Shahru Ramadan and you can instead concentrate on getting closer to Allah, your wonderful Creator, who loves you and wants you to turn back to Him.

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

Originally Posted by Daisies08
I am going through a phase where it is extremely common in the society and it is killing me. I have started to grow feelings and much admiration for a man who is married :(

I like to believe that i am a person with values and principles. After hearing countless news on extra marital affairs, i am one who's against it & it irks to know that people are bold enough to create such situation. Now the thing is, i am being tested on this.

To start off, we are colleagues and From the very beginning I already knew he has a wife & two sons & wallahi I didn't create any attention/showed feelings/flirt, whatsover. I literally lowered my gaze & stayed away from him because i know he's a married man despite having a mini crush on him. Worked together for about 2 years now & for the first 1 1/2 years it was a normal relationship as any other men & women at work. Somehow things got a little different beginning of this year when one night, he started to text me a little too casual than the usual and sent me a text, asking me out on a dinner.

Fast forward, i'm just gonna say i have grown to like him even more. I feel like my heart became too attached to him yet all i wanted was push him away. We went out for a casual dinner twice but we text quite often since 2 months ago. I like him for his character and charm. He's charismatic and very driven. Although I don't know him well on a personal level, I admire him just from work and how he presents himself.

I guess this was my fault from the very beginning to accept his 'dinner date', it was my fault for giving him attention & opening up my feelings to him. Because he's going through a problem at home with his wife, that was why he 'escaped' from the situation and instead of trying to resolve the issue, he decided to find comfort elsewhere. For many times, i've been trying to make him fix his marriage problem but he insisted that nothing could be done. I felt so helpless and sympathize his wife and at the same time mad at myself.

Till this day, he still confessed his feelings to me & continues to text me. I however have replied him a lot lesser and trying to give him the cold shoulders while still being nice since we're colleagues. Wallahi i really wanted to end this affair yet i am missing him so badly :( i am willing to get my heart-broken knowing that I'm walking away from this sin
Reply

Umm♥Layth
05-29-2017, 06:24 PM
Where is that thread that was "gemed" not long ago about the Christian sister who developed feelings for her coworker? I think the OP should read it.
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Sakina'141
05-29-2017, 08:03 PM
MashaAllah I agree with sister Search and sister Charisma. That brother is very Badly misguided putting it nicely as I am fasting & its Ramadan. Please cut off all ties, stay away, no need for you to give him big lecture on why it is wrong either. Just delete him number, block him and only talk to him out of necessity with haya/modesty at work out of necessary interaction for work purposes only. It might be a good idea to get work in new area/place so you don't have to even look at or interact with him but that might not be necessary.

May Allah swt guide us closer to Him and save us from hell-fire, Ameen.
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Eric H
05-30-2017, 04:14 AM
Greetings and peace be with you Daisies08; and welcome to the forum,

I think a lot of good advice has already been given.

i am willing to get my heart-broken knowing that I'm walking away from this sin
I think Oscar Wilde summed up life very well when he said, I can resist everything................except temptation.

You seem to be placing yourself in a place of temptation, you started of strong, but the temptations also seem to be getting bigger. At some future point, you could come into work one day hurt and feeling low over something, he will spot this and become the comfort you need. And at this point you will be at your weakest to his charms.

It seems sad and unfair in life, when sometimes you have to leave a job that you like, through no fault of your own. But it seems you have a strong desire to do the right thing by Allah, pray for help to do his will.

I hope you will achieve the purification of the soul upon commemorating the month of Ramadan. Wishing you a blessed and happy Ramadan!

Eric
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Umm♥Layth
05-30-2017, 09:53 AM
Sister Dasies,

You have gotten good advice here and I would like to ask that you read this thread: https://www.islamicboard.com/general...ms#post2954656

It isn't exactly your situation, but it started similarly and this is where your situation will be heading if you don't put a stop to it now. Indeed your emotions cloud reality and what he is participating in doesn't show good character. I hope you can step away sooner than later, insha'Allah.
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Berries'forest
05-30-2017, 10:10 AM
Okay one thing right off the bat. I just want you to know that this is very, very normal. It's a very wide spread phenomenon that occurs in every society around the globe. I think I can help you since I've just ended an almost relationship with a married man who has an adorable one year old daughter. I actually wanted to steal this man away from his amazing wife and daughter. I wanted to wreck their home just because I believed that I loved and cared about him more than his wife. I learnt that I was wrong. Yes, I had extremely strong feelings for him and to be honest I was strongly attracted to him in every way. He was interested in me to I managed to convince him to leave his wife for me. Things were about to go just as planned but then my conscience would let me do this. I sat down with myself and realized that he is a married man with commitments and an offspring. Is it fair that I come along and snatch him from his wife who certainly loves him more than I do this way. How would I feel if someone did the same thing to me. I was restless, I was having an inner conflict. I really didn't know what to do. So I said I'll try to investigate his wife and see if she is better than me for him. I tried to find out as much about her as I possibly can and it felt like I was hit by a lightning. I gave him up because it was the right thing to do even if I believed I had strong feelings for him. I made that decision I couldn't be more happier. And you know the best part of the story is. Soon afterwards an amazing man asked for my hand in marriage and honestly it's the best thing that ever happened in my life. So I tell you as a fellow sister, let him go and God will give you what you really need. Even if you think he's one of a kind and that no other man can compare. It's all in your head. He's certainly off-limits and totally off the market so why are you chasing after someone who doesn't belong to you. There's a saying that the beautiful leaves in order for the even more beautiful to come. Please pull the plug on this one. You deserve better, really you do.

I hope this helps.
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Umm♥Layth
05-30-2017, 10:18 AM
Originally Posted by Berries'forest
So I tell you as a fellow sister, let him go and God will give you what you really need. Even if you think he's one of a kind and that no other man can compare. It's all in your head. You deserve better, really you do.
This statement is true all around, for every woman to take to heart. Those of you chasing after a married man or clinging on to a loser who treats you like garbage... There really is better out there, you'll just have to place your trust in Allah swt and watch in amazement how things unfold for your better :)
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Bobbyflay23
05-30-2017, 10:39 AM
I feel as if his wife needs to know about this but you'd be revealing his sin and might screw up a family as in the kids rather give him some advice tell him your refuge is in your wife and allah no marriage isn't fixable tell him that his wife isn't the problem since he's trying to cheat while he had kids and tell him islam teaches me not to reveal your sin but allah will reveal it if you don't change your ways I've heard story's of alcoholics and zinays quiting there sin because someone found out and instead of revealing there sin they said some kind words and advised them to the path of allah tell him that he should repent to allah swt and to sincerely repent tell him he had kids and to think about the tears on there face from despair because daddy left mommy
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ardianto
05-30-2017, 05:52 PM
Assalamualaikum.

Many people say that I was a good husband due to my fidelity to my late wife. But to be honest. Actually I was not always good. There was a time when I made a mistake in my married. The time when I was close with a girl.

That happened when I already had one child. That girl was employee in my business partner office where I often worked there. But Alhamdulillah, that happened not long. Immediately I felt guilty to my wife and child. So I decided to far away from her. Fortunately too, in that time I felt that business with my business partner was not good. So I cut the business cooperation, and it helped me to stay away from that girl.

It began when I felt that she had special attention to me. In the beginning I tried to control myself. But that's hard because, to be honest, she looked good in my eyes. She was a quiet girl, always behave politely, and ... beautiful!. So I respond her. I could feel that her feeling to me was growing bigger, and finally I could feel that she began to fell in love with me. That was the time when I suddenly felt guilty to my wife, and then decided to far away from that girl.

But I do not blame that girl. Just like I do not blame the OP if she has special feeling on a married man. This is a feeling that indeed, hard to be controlled.

Okay, maybe you have ever heard people say that married men look more attractive than unmarried younger men?. It's not wrong, although not always true. And there is logical explanation for this. Married man are experienced in relationship with a woman, experienced in deal with a woman. It made them can interact with women better which they look more charismatic in the eyes of women who interact with them. And this is what the girls want from a guy.

There is another thing that I need to say. If a woman see a man as charismatic, usualy she will give special attention on him. And if a woman has special attention on a man, when she interact with this man, unconsciously she will show this feeling. Indeed, not every man can 'see' this feeling. But married men who have experienced in relationship with a woman can easily 'see' this feeling.

Unfortunately, not every man is same. There are men who can face it wisely which they decide to not respond. But there are men who see this as a chance to get another woman. So they respond it and make this girl fall in love. Yes, like in the OP case.

I guess, previously the OP already see that man as charismatic man, like she said her post. She also has attention to that man. That man knows it. That's why he approach the OP. But like I have said, I do not blame the OP if she has special feeling to a married man.

My advice to the OP and other girls. It's better if you realize that in life you are not always can get what you expect. But it doesn't mean you cannot get the better substitute. It's understandable if you see what you expect from a man on a married man. But try to respect other people 'property right'. Try to understand that this man already owned by another woman. Try to respect the 'owner'.

My special advice to OP is, stay away from that man. If you need to quit from that company, just quit, and seek job in another company. Then make dua, wish Allah give you an unmarried man to become your husband.

And the advice for brothers, especially married brothers. Do not ever think that the real man is a man who can get women as much as he can. But always believe that the real man is a man who can loyal only to the woman who loves him. In Shaa Allah, it can prevent you from taking a chance when another woman show her special feeling on you.

:)
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piXie
05-30-2017, 06:54 PM
Originally Posted by *charisma*
This is unacceptable and it should be for you as well. Allah has made many things halal for us but you are both choosing the haram route. He can have you as a 2nd wife in a halal manner. He can divorce his 1st wife and then using some honor ask for your hand appropriately. He can MOVE ON and fix things with his wife. He has a lot of options here. You on the other hand have to stop contacting him because you have no business talking to him until he figures his own life out.
Well said. Allah has given the man a lot of halal options, even if he does like another woman. No need for haram route.
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-arisa-
05-31-2017, 04:39 AM
As-salāmu ʿalaykum sister,

Please just distance yourself from him. As a child from divorced parents, I can assure you that it is not a nice thing at all. Think about how painful and sad it is for his wife and children. If the family breaks, communication between children and the estranged parent will be very hard and awkward. Sometimes the parent just stop being responsible of his/her children, meaning no financial and emotional support anymore. Things are hard when single parent is the only one who can support you. I am sure you really have a kind heart and would not let the family suffer.
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