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batarzyna
06-08-2017, 03:15 PM
Salam,

We've been married for 11 years, have 3 boys aged 1,7 and 11. We had many ups and downs but this one is one of the worst so far.
I converted 5 years ago. I fasted first 3 ramadhans, then i was pregnant and breastfeeding the following year.
This is the first year i decided to not fast. I know it's wrong, I have my reasons though.

My husband got really upset when I told him. He's been very rude to me, insulted me, called me names. He hasn't spoken to me from the beginning of ramadhan.

Our boys fast on weekends and I encourage them to do so.
When I asked him if he is going to behave like this for the rest of ramadhan, he replied that maybe for the rest of our life.
Kids asked me if we are going to get divorced, this whole situation really upsets them but my husband doesn't care.
He said he would still behave ike that whether i start fasting now or not...

I can't see any solution :(
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*charisma*
06-08-2017, 03:53 PM
Walaikum Asalaam

Originally Posted by batarzyna
Salam,

We've been married for 11 years, have 3 boys aged 1,7 and 11. We had many ups and downs but this one is one of the worst so far.
I converted 5 years ago. I fasted first 3 ramadhans, then i was pregnant and breastfeeding the following year.
This is the first year i decided to not fast. I know it's wrong, I have my reasons though.

My husband got really upset when I told him. He's been very rude to me, insulted me, called me names. He hasn't spoken to me from the beginning of ramadhan.

Our boys fast on weekends and I encourage them to do so.
When I asked him if he is going to behave like this for the rest of ramadhan, he replied that maybe for the rest of our life.
Kids asked me if we are going to get divorced, this whole situation really upsets them but my husband doesn't care.
He said he would still behave ike that whether i start fasting now or not...

I can't see any solution :(
Your husband shouldn't be calling you names, but I can understand that he's angry that you're not fasting. Fasting is a pillar of islam and is requirement on all muslims. Unless you are unable to fast due to severe illness, you don't necessarily have an excuse. He has a right to be upset about this because it's important, but perhaps the way he's going about it is not the best. I'm sure if you decide to fast on your own for the sake of Allah, and discuss your personal issues with him, he will forgive you inshallah.
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greenhill
06-08-2017, 05:32 PM
Perhaps you were being stubborn and now he is being stubborn.

You should realise your error.

Then you should also sweetly (never letting the anger or frustration surface, that will be the challenge) say that that is not the way of the prophet (pbuh)... the not forgiving part. Besides, this is the month of ramadan, the month of forgiveness. Everything starts at home. He as the head must embrace it.

It is almost like he is sulking! So, you got to make up to him... :D


:peace:
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batarzyna
06-08-2017, 05:52 PM
I've been realizing more and more recently that my husband is manipulative, and usually makes me do what he wants. Ive been trying to break free from it and he doesnt like it.
I can't mention any religious teachings to him because he believes i have no right to tell him what he should or shouldn't do if i dont follow religion by not fasting. He never admits he is wrong.
Ramadhan is always a nightmare for me as he sleeps till late while i take care of the kids and prepare them for school. He has a nap at work. Comes home before eating time and eats till late night.
He is tired and has no energy.
I can't cope on my own with the kids + fast. If i get up at 5 with the little one, Im normally in bed by 9:30pm... while now we can start eating around this time.
I was so patient with him, talked to him nicely, tried to convince him, but so far nothing works.
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batarzyna
06-08-2017, 05:53 PM
Unfortunately he doesn't understand any of my arguments. He always ignores them. He says Im weak and everyone else can cope but me.
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Umm Abed
06-08-2017, 05:56 PM
Wassalam

So basically it is wrong not to fast and your husband has a duty to see that his family is reading their salah and fasting, it is a duty on him that he needs to see to.

So I will advise you to please not miss out any fast, sister. He will change his attitude once you change.
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HindTheRevert
06-08-2017, 06:34 PM
After reading your explanation, I feel for you. I can see why it´s hard to carry all those responsibilities and feel like youre doing it alone. I think the root cause of all this is that you may be feeling like youre alone in this? and him sensing what its about when you´ve confronted him is trying to avoid any additional responsibilities or changes that your hardship puts on him or maybe he just doesnt notice the affects of his actions. I never think there is only one person at fault. even if an abusive relationship, not that yours is one, I do think there is some blame to be put on the victim for giving up their power. So i like to focus on what WE can do to change the situation.

in any case, your marriage should not take away from your relationship with God. If anything, your relationship with God should be adding to your marriage and wellbeing. So I would reflect on the latest decisions you made of giving up fasting for the sake of having the house in order and maybe give up having the perfect house and routine for the sake of fasting. I think this way, your husband will see how much work you put in your daily life, Having food be ready, taking care of kids, having a clean house...etc Its like that joke that takes the rounds about stay at home moms. Their husbands keep complaining they get to stay at home and take it easy so the wives decide to do just that for a day and they ignore everything related to keeping things in order, they basically sit and read a book all day and let the kids do their own thing. So when the husband comes home, he asks whats happened? as the house is in shambles and the kids are all over the place. and she says oh I did what you expected I did everyday while you were at work, I read a book.

Its kind of a wake up call, not to take efforts for granted, so why not show them how life would be without us without really being mean about it but as a matter of fact. a sort of preview of how life would be if their assumptions were correct.

having said that, I do empathize with you and disagree with the treatment you are getting. We should all strive to be emotionally stable and be an addition to the lives of those around us even when they act in ways we don´t agree with. Treating them with disrespect because of it takes away from the main issue and causes additional troubles and bad feelings. like the saying goes " la ikrah fildeen" meaning religion shouldn´t be associated with resistance, we should do it willingly and out of desire to do so. All I can advise you to do is to not let the behavior of those around you affect your own standards, this is hard but having access to higher moral standards in your daily life can assist in fulfilling your part in all this. Remember, you cant make him change his behavior forcefully either. The saying I mentioned applies to him as well, he needs to feel he is helping around and being empathetic with you out of desire to do so.

Best of luck, I wish you a more positive other half of Ramadan.
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sister herb
06-08-2017, 10:27 PM
Maybe you need someone outside of the family to talk with your husband. Those sound like problems which have been between you two for a long time and now just your decision not to fast just released the fight.

I understand that your husband was upset as fasting is important part of Islam but name calling etc is very childish behavior (and not islamic at all). Is there any relative who could talk with both of you about this situation or some other person which your husband would listen?
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Sakina'141
06-08-2017, 10:43 PM
....he sleeps till late while i take care of the kids and prepare them for school. He has a nap at work. Comes home before eating time and eats till late night.
He is tired and has no energy.
I can't cope on my own with the kids + fast. If i get up at 5 with the little one..
.
You need to tell your husband all this...how much you are struggling with kids with waking up early morning whilst he is sleeping and having naps at work.

Is it possible for you to fast and have an afternoon nap after your kids gone to work?...I suppose you have to look after 1yr old at home so he might keep you up.

What exactly do you find difficult about fasting? Is it the very long days? Do you get dizzy/headaches/lack of sleep as you wake up at 5am? Is there a way for you to get enough sleep? Prephaps you can discuss this with your husband and come to mutal arrangement with mutal understanding with sleep and babysitting arrangements and whatever you are struggling with for help and support you need.

May Allah swt put right all our affairs, Ameen.
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Simple_Person
06-08-2017, 10:58 PM
Sister you have done nothing wrong in the sense of this marriage so far i have read (religiously is another topic..as Ramadan is obligatory with certain exceptions). He is at fault for marrying you. What i mean by that is marrying you while you were not even Muslim and now expecting from you to be how he wants you to be. Rasullah(saws) has given us advice when marrying a spouse. It is advice and one can take it or leave it, but he did not take that advice but now expecting you to behave like that spouse Rasullah(saws) advice us to marry.

Which advice am i talking about? We in case of Muslim men are advised to marry a sister that her deen is #1 and beauty, family status, wealth are all secondary. So she her self must have priorities in such order that she takes her deen super serious. In your case you were not even religious in the sense of Muslim and now he wants you to climb a mountain so to say. Every Muslims has their struggles and that is why we have to take in marriage SUPER serious as it is the completion of our deen.
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Sakina'141
06-08-2017, 11:01 PM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
Salam,

My husband got really upset when I told him. He's been very rude to me, insulted me, called me names. He hasn't spoken to me from the beginning of ramadhan.

Our boys fast on weekends and I encourage them to do so.
When I asked him if he is going to behave like this for the rest of ramadhan, he replied that maybe for the rest of our life.
Kids asked me if we are going to get divorced, this whole situation really upsets them but my husband doesn't care.
He said he would still behave ike that whether i start fasting now or not...

I can't see any solution :(
That is wrong...Ramamdan is more than fasting...prephaps you can educate your husband about controlling his tongue and importance of good behaviour during Ramadan. Advise him in private and especially about how his behaviour is upsetting kids. Try to avoid arguments/showing tension with each other infront of kids.

If he doesn't listen to your gentle, sincere advise as many men do not like to be advised by their wives (don't worry its NOT because of you, its just nature of men & their pride) then get someone trustworthy and wise individual that your husband respect to have a chat with him. Probably mention to him that you will ask someone to have a chat with you both to resolve matters before hand so he doesn't accuse you of going behind his back talking to outsiders with family problems. Try speaking to him first in gentle, sensitive manner also understanding his point of anger/frustration (fasting is indeed very important pillar) then you take it from there.
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Sakina'141
06-08-2017, 11:25 PM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
Sister you have done nothing wrong in the sense of this marriage so far i have read (religiously is another topic..as Ramadan is obligatory with certain exceptions). He is at fault for marrying you. What i mean by that is marrying you while you were not even Muslim and now expecting from you to be how he wants you to be. Rasullah(saws) has given us advice when marrying a spouse. It is advice and one can take it or leave it, but he did not take that advice but now expecting you to behave like that spouse Rasullah(saws) advice us to marry.

Which advice am i talking about? We in case of Muslim men are advised to marry a sister that her deen is #1 and beauty, family status, wealth are all secondary. So she her self must have priorities in such order that she takes her deen super serious. In your case you were not even religious in the sense of Muslim and now he wants you to climb a mountain so to say. Every Muslims has their struggles and that is why we have to take in marriage SUPER serious as it is the completion of our deen.
I agree that its not very wise for brothers and sisters to marry someone who doesn't meet certain major criteria that is a MUST for them in hopes of changing them after marriage...not a good idea but I suppose may be whoever they chose to marry is worth the struggles.

No one is perfect, people's Iman levels change and fluctuate so one may marry someone "religious" but they could become less religious one day. And you can't run away because your spouse missed some prayers or fasts. Marriage is suppose to be about helping each other during weak times with compassion, support and guidance. There is a way of dealing with every matter and overcoming every obstacle.
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Simple_Person
06-09-2017, 12:29 AM
Originally Posted by Sakina'17
I agree that its not very wise for brothers and sisters to marry someone who doesn't meet certain major criteria that is a MUST for them in hopes of changing them after marriage...not a good idea but I suppose may be whoever they chose to marry is worth the struggles.

No one is perfect, people's Iman levels change and fluctuate so one may marry someone "religious" but they could become less religious one day. And you can't run away because your spouse missed some prayers or fasts. Marriage is suppose to be about helping each other during weak times with compassion, support and guidance. There is a way of dealing with every matter and overcoming every obstacle.
"Less religious"...well sisters, the person who becomes "less religious" has by logic, rationality and reason not firmly determined that Islam is the truth. I myself as an ex-Atheist, although when my imaan gets low..i get lazy, but i never have doubt in Islam. Even when i miss a prayer because of laziness..still i know and understand that Islam is the truth and what i am doing is just wrong and i have NO excuses for it. However this is a on going battle and for every one of us is different. Some people might not miss 1 prayer, but often you see those people although born Muslims they pray as if it is a race. So their struggle is to do their prayer more calmly to taste imaan and the sweetness of the prayer.

Or others who never miss a prayer..but occasionally do zina with another female/male. So like i said..every one of us has their own struggles.

However to marry the spouse, one must also assess those moments by deeply questioning her/him before agreeing to marry him/her. So there is much more going on than what meets the eye.
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Sakina'141
06-09-2017, 01:55 AM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
"Less religious"...well sisters, the person who becomes "less religious" has by logic, rationality and reason not firmly determined that Islam is the truth. I myself as an ex-Muslim, although when my imaan gets low..i get lazy, but i never have doubt in Islam. Even when i miss a prayer because of laziness..still i know and understand that Islam is the truth and what i am doing is just wrong and i have NO excuses for it. However this is a on going battle and for every one of us is different. Some people might not miss 1 prayer, but often you see those people although born Muslims they pray as if it is a race. So their struggle is to do their prayer more calmly to taste imaan and the sweetness of the prayer.

Or others who never miss a prayer..but occasionally do zina with another female/male. So like i said..every one of us has their own struggles.

However to marry the spouse, one must also assess those moments by deeply questioning her/him before agreeing to marry him/her. So there is much more going on than what meets the eye.
Yeah I know...thats why it feels like an impossible task...prayer is very important to me but for me, zina, arrogance and superficiality from so called "religious" looking people who never misses prayers is worse than someone who prays regularly but misses some occasionally but are humble and stayed away from haram. I never understood those muslims at school/university who never missed their prayers but openly/secretly had boyfriends/girlfriends...they must have prayed together and did other good things together and Alhamdulillah most also got married in the end! They probably never even committed zina..society as whole just assume these things like 2 people can no longer just be in an innocent relationship without having sex...Im sure its perfectly possible! It used to be like that few decades ago so it is possible now.

But tbh I used to get more annoyed with certain so called "good" muslims who never engaged in haram relationships but gets pleasure out of gossiping and looking down on all those muslims girls who did have boyfriends...their arrogance used to annoy m...I swear some people ONLY feel better/good about themselves by pointing out and looking down others they consider below them in looks/intelligance/religion/piety. They used to annoy me sooooo much but I couldn't exactly say to them "you're not a good muslim actually, just an arrogant, two faced, backstabber who like to contatly point out and look down on other muslims who you consider beneath you." Some people think by highlighting other peoples flaws/sins, they come across so much better but they never do. Couldn't be around/interact with certain people for very long...you got to keep away from proud/arrogant people in life to save yourself. Last thing you want is end up getting influenced by their bad company and ending up thinking/talking like them. May Allah swt save us from all arroagance and pride and major sins, Ameen.

So yes, its important to "deelpy questioning" future marraige potentials and testing their morality/outlook on life. I have made a list that future potentials must meet...but can't remember where on earth I have put it!! Lol!
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Simple_Person
06-09-2017, 02:45 AM
Originally Posted by Sakina'17
Yeah I know...thats why it feels like an impossible task...prayer is very important to me but for me, zina, arrogance and superficiality from so called "religious" looking people who never misses prayers is worse than someone who prays regularly but misses some occasionally but are humble and stayed away from haram. I never understood those muslims at school/university who never missed their prayers but openly/secretly had boyfriends/girlfriends...they must have prayed together and did other good things together and Alhamdulillah most also got married in the end! They probably never even committed zina..society as whole just assume these things like 2 people can no longer just be in an innocent relationship without having sex...Im sure its perfectly possible! It used to be like that few decades ago so it is possible now.

But tbh I used to get more annoyed with certain so called "good" muslims who never engaged in haram relationships but gets pleasure out of gossiping and looking down on all those muslims girls who did have boyfriends...their arrogance used to annoy m...I swear some people ONLY feel better/good about themselves by pointing out and looking down others they consider below them in looks/intelligance/religion/piety. They used to annoy me sooooo much but I couldn't exactly say to them "you're not a good muslim actually, just an arrogant, two faced, backstabber who like to contatly point out and look down on other muslims who you consider beneath you." Some people think by highlighting other peoples flaws/sins, they come across so much better but they never do. Couldn't be around/interact with certain people for very long...you got to keep away from proud/arrogant people in life to save yourself. Last thing you want is end up getting influenced by their bad company and ending up thinking/talking like them. May Allah swt save us from all arroagance and pride and major sins, Ameen.

So yes, its important to "deelpy questioning" future marraige potentials and testing their morality/outlook on life. I have made a list that future potentials must meet...but can't remember where on earth I have put it!! Lol!
Your list has to have a very solid ground to it. Because when you get try to have a conversation with your future-husband you have to ask him tough questions. Only the real honest person can give you a good and solid well thought answer. So choose your questions very careful or else you will be stuck with a two-faced husband XD.
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Umm Abed
06-09-2017, 09:30 AM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
Your list has to have a very solid ground to it. Because when you get try to have a conversation with your future-husband you have to ask him tough questions. Only the real honest person can give you a good and solid well thought answer. So choose your questions very careful or else you will be stuck with a two-faced husband XD.
If you look at it, OP sister was married for 11 years and has kept 3 Ramadans' fasts already, so I dont think there is an excuse not to fast, (unless sick of course). And even if she has not kept those 3 Ramadan fasts, it will still be fard on her at all times.

There are people in the world who work in very tough conditions and extreme heat, but they will not miss the Ramadan fasts for anything. So, we should take this obligation very seriously and fulfill it with love for Allah's sake.
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Simple_Person
06-09-2017, 10:00 AM
Originally Posted by Umm Abed
If you look at it, OP sister was married for 11 years and has kept 3 Ramadans' fasts already, so I dont think there is an excuse not to fast, (unless sick of course). And even if she has not kept those 3 Ramadan fasts, it will still be fard on her at all times.

There are people in the world who work in very tough conditions and extreme heat, but they will not miss the Ramadan fasts for anything. So, we should take this obligation very seriously and fulfill it with love for Allah's sake.
Sister if you read the OP first comment you will see this.

"I converted 5 years ago"

So in other words they were married for already 6 years BEFORE she converted to Islam. Her husband the LAST thing on his mind was her deen. Rather it was either her beauty (love), family status or wealth. She either was previously a Christian OR a Jew. If not then their whole marriage was not even valid, but i assume she was Christian.

She has become a Muslim, however now he EXPECTS her to be that person (religious) that he DID NOT SEEK when marrying. You get what i am trying to say? I'm sorry to say this but that is a hit under the belt and VERY OPPRESSIVE behavior. Once i was talking to my sister what kind of wife i want to marry (one who is completely covered (abaya) with exception of face and hands). She said well you will do a lot of injustice to her as Kurds in general do not go by such clothing. I said how come i will do injustice to her? If she isn't wearing such clothes BEFORE marriage i will not even marry her. So i will be doing no one injustice.

That being said he calling her names..this brothers understands VERY VERY LITTLE of what Islam is about. Just reading the comments of this sister it rather looks like one of those culture driven guys that say well "i bring food on the table.."(work for money) "you cook, clean the house, raise the children etc. ).

However you look at this, the brother should NEVER have married this sister to begin with if he took religion that serious. I am myself not married. If a Christian or Jewish sister comes with a offer to marry me, sorry but i will kindly reject the offer as i want to take up the advice of Rasullah(saws) what to look for mostly when wanting to marry. A sister that takes her religion very serious ..that being Islam (no disrespect to Christian or Jewish sisters).

Even that she is not fasting shows that his "Sheppard" skills to guide his family are kind of a mess. Based on what? Name calling in the month of Ramadan..not listening to his wife..arguing in the front of the children.
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batarzyna
06-09-2017, 10:47 AM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
Sister if you read the OP first comment you will see this.

"I converted 5 years ago"

So in other words they were married for already 6 years BEFORE she converted to Islam. Her husband the LAST thing on his mind was her deen. Rather it was either her beauty (love), family status or wealth. She either was previously a Christian OR a Jew. If not then their whole marriage was not even valid, but i assume she was Christian.

She has become a Muslim, however now he EXPECTS her to be that person (religious) that he DID NOT SEEK when marrying. You get what i am trying to say? I'm sorry to say this but that is a hit under the belt and VERY OPPRESSIVE behavior. Once i was talking to my sister what kind of wife i want to marry (one who is completely covered (abaya) with exception of face and hands). She said well you will do a lot of injustice to her as Kurds in general do not go by such clothing. I said how come i will do injustice to her? If she isn't wearing such clothes BEFORE marriage i will not even marry her. So i will be doing no one injustice.

That being said he calling her names..this brothers understands VERY VERY LITTLE of what Islam is about. Just reading the comments of this sister it rather looks like one of those culture driven guys that say well "i bring food on the table.."(work for money) "you cook, clean the house, raise the children etc. ).

However you look at this, the brother should NEVER have married this sister to begin with if he took religion that serious. I am myself not married. If a Christian or Jewish sister comes with a offer to marry me, sorry but i will kindly reject the offer as i want to take up the advice of Rasullah(saws) what to look for mostly when wanting to marry. A sister that takes her religion very serious ..that being Islam (no disrespect to Christian or Jewish sisters).

Even that she is not fasting shows that his "Sheppard" skills to guide his family are kind of a mess. Based on what? Name calling in the month of Ramadan..not listening to his wife..arguing in the front of the children.
Religion wasn't my husband's no1 priority when we met. I was very young (16), we were intimate before marriage and I wasn't his first partner. He cheated on me with two girls even though was praying and practising islam.
I was fascinated by islam and its principals but couldn't stand behaviour of muslims. So many of them would be two faced. Lots of muslims have this urge to show themselves as religious and true believers.

My husband's behaviour in the recent years (3 last years) started pushing me away from islam. He never sees fault in himself, always blames others. When he does sth haram, he always finds some kind of explanations or excuse for it.
Doesn't take any religious advice from me because he constantly doubts my faith.

He started to be very harrd and strict with the boys. He constantly compares them to other children who in his eyes are better muslims than our kids are. He stopped spending time with them. All he cares about is work and peace of mind.

He used to help me with house chores, with kids but he stopped doing that.
I dont require much because i only work part time so have more time to clean and cook.

He is suddenly not happy with my food and he always liked it.

He doesn't take my advice about kids. They are seeking so much his approval and he keeps pushing them away. He doesn't seem to care.
When I ask him about it he always finds way to laugh it off.

He seems so in love with the youngest one but I know this will change again when he is bigger.

I'd like to divorce him. Im fed up of listening how fat, ugly and useless I am. I lost all my confidence.
I left university when I gave birth to our first son, I left my job when he started his business. I gave all my time to kids and house so he could concentrate on growing his company. Now im left with nothing. Useless job, and no perspectives if I leave him.

How can I start life all over??
I dont want the boys to treat their future wives they way my husband treats me.
They can clean, they can cook, I teach them rexpect for others. But thats not what they see at home so how can they learn.
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*charisma*
06-09-2017, 10:48 AM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
She has become a Muslim, however now he EXPECTS her to be that person (religious) that he DID NOT SEEK when marrying. You get what i am trying to say? I'm sorry to say this but that is a hit under the belt and VERY OPPRESSIVE behavior.
I don't at all believe it's oppressive if her husband expects her to keep up with her religious duties after she became a Muslim. It is incumbent upon him to ensure that his whole family is performing their religious duties. So what if she was not a Muslim before and he was ok with her not being "islamically" religious. She's a Muslim now, so the circumstances have changed and therefore his expectations of her follow suit, especially since she's fasted previously.

A relationship does not remain stagnant. It evolves and both individuals change. It's always better to marry someone with the same values to begin with, but if it happens that you do not, then you can work it out respectfully. To say that he shouldn't have married her after it's been said and done is a negative thing to say because it's insinuating that he either has to accept her as she is or leave her for someone else. That's not how it works. They are married now as Allah intended for them, and their relationship is being tested, and they have to work through it to achieve a common goal.


Originally Posted by batarzyna
've been realizing more and more recently that my husband is manipulative, and usually makes me do what he wants. Ive been trying to break free from it and he doesnt like it.
I can't mention any religious teachings to him because he believes i have no right to tell him what he should or shouldn't do if i dont follow religion by not fasting. He never admits he is wrong.
Ramadhan is always a nightmare for me as he sleeps till late while i take care of the kids and prepare them for school. He has a nap at work. Comes home before eating time and eats till late night.
He is tired and has no energy.
I can't cope on my own with the kids + fast. If i get up at 5 with the little one, Im normally in bed by 9:30pm... while now we can start eating around this time.
I was so patient with him, talked to him nicely, tried to convince him, but so far nothing works.
Sis, you have to realize your faith comes first. You cannot let your husband nor children distract you from your religious duties.

Allah says:

“O you, who have believed, let not your wealth and your children divert you from remembrance of Allah. And whoever does that – then those are the losers.” [Quran, 63: 9]

If your husband isn't doing his part, then forget about him and do what you need to do to make your fasts easier for you to accomplish. Unsure about the ages of your children, but if they are old enough to prepare some of their own things, then they should do so. If not, then you should do some planning ahead of time to make your day go a lot more smoothly. You mentioned you have a younger son, so maybe try to change his sleeping schedule so he's not up so early, or take a nap during the day. I'm sure there are solutions to get you to fast everyday, but you are instead focused on making your husband accepting of you. Yes he should be more helpful, more supportive, more active, etc. but at the end of the day you still have to commit to your religious duties regardless of how he is. It seems that you're both exhausted and just taking it out on each other, but it seems he has put your faith a priority over everything else, so I don't believe he'd have an issue if you made your iman your first obligation instead of putting so much emphasis on being a caretaker to him and your children and having your iman dwindle in effect.
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Umm Abed
06-09-2017, 10:56 AM
It would be good also to know more on her situation from a third person, but that is not going to happen so we advise with caution.

Yes I do understand your points as from his perspective he should know how to deal with his choice of wife in the correct way, agreed, no name calling etc, but what is exactly the name-calling? We dont know.

Having said that, maybe he was trying all the years to teach her, but that too, we dont know. Looking for piety in a potential spouse is the way to go, agreed on that.

So I was simply giving her advice for her own personal self, rather than for her husband, in order for her to better her home situation and bring peace. Based on that, we should still encourage her to fast regardless of her husband's wrong decision in marrying her, since you become Muslim only for Allah's sake and submitting to the teachings is key to being a good Muslim.

A pillar of Islam is a non-compromise situation. She is already married to him.I think thats just about it.
@Simple_Person
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batarzyna
06-09-2017, 11:19 AM
Originally Posted by Umm Abed
It would be good also to know more on her situation from a third person, but that is not going to happen so we advise with caution.

Yes I do understand your points as from his perspective he should know how to deal with his choice of wife in the correct way, agreed, no name calling etc, but what is exactly the name-calling? We dont know.


@Simple_Person
cow, bit**, fat, shut up, get lost... to name just the few
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Umm Abed
06-09-2017, 11:22 AM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
cow, bit**, fat, shut up, get lost... to name just the few
Why so angry, lol.

Maybe I was right.. :p
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batarzyna
06-09-2017, 11:24 AM
We keep to ourselves. My husband is the boss so he doesn't make friends with his employees. I was Catholic and so my colleagues are Catholics as well. We don't meet often because they usually drink alcohol when the meet up and without alcohol it's not fun enough for them.

My family are Catholics and mu husband doesnt listen to them. I can't complain about him to his family. He takes care of the kids when I work, he then even cooks so for them he is the best husband ever. If they see him changing nappy on weekend they can't praise him enough.
They always ask me to let him sleep and rest because he works in a week...

I have no one to talk to about it and my husband would get mad if I involved any of the muslims we know. It would be too embarassing for him and he wouldnt forgive this.
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Simple_Person
06-09-2017, 04:52 PM
Originally Posted by Umm Abed
It would be good also to know more on her situation from a third person, but that is not going to happen so we advise with caution.

Yes I do understand your points as from his perspective he should know how to deal with his choice of wife in the correct way, agreed, no name calling etc, but what is exactly the name-calling? We dont know.

Having said that, maybe he was trying all the years to teach her, but that too, we dont know. Looking for piety in a potential spouse is the way to go, agreed on that.

So I was simply giving her advice for her own personal self, rather than for her husband, in order for her to better her home situation and bring peace. Based on that, we should still encourage her to fast regardless of her husband's wrong decision in marrying her, since you become Muslim only for Allah's sake and submitting to the teachings is key to being a good Muslim.

A pillar of Islam is a non-compromise situation. She is already married to him.I think thats just about it.
@Simple_Person
If you read a comment of mine in that comment i indeed was very clear about the religious aspect. Only some people are exempted from fasting with that..if she does not fall in that category of people she is rather hurting her self also her family by not fasting.

If i really look in to the solution to her problem, instead of trying to fix the root cause of not fasting she is creating another symptom and that is not fasting. However the root cause is not that she is tired, but rather a friction within her own marriage. So indeed she is wrong in this by escalating it through not fasting (putting the duties of Islam on stake). She needs to fix the marriage instead.

So yes i agree on your points.
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Simple_Person
06-09-2017, 04:56 PM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
We keep to ourselves. My husband is the boss so he doesn't make friends with his employees. I was Catholic and so my colleagues are Catholics as well. We don't meet often because they usually drink alcohol when the meet up and without alcohol it's not fun enough for them.

My family are Catholics and mu husband doesnt listen to them. I can't complain about him to his family. He takes care of the kids when I work, he then even cooks so for them he is the best husband ever. If they see him changing nappy on weekend they can't praise him enough.
They always ask me to let him sleep and rest because he works in a week...

I have no one to talk to about it and my husband would get mad if I involved any of the muslims we know. It would be too embarassing for him and he wouldnt forgive this.
All i know is that your marriage needs some fixing, i am not sure what he is annoyed by with you, while we know what you are annoyed by with him. I am not married so this will be i think the last comment of mine as there are more qualified brothers and sisters that in'sha'Allah can help you with.
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Simple_Person
06-09-2017, 05:06 PM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
Religion wasn't my husband's no1 priority when we met. I was very young (16), we were intimate before marriage and I wasn't his first partner. He cheated on me with two girls even though was praying and practising islam.
I was fascinated by islam and its principals but couldn't stand behaviour of muslims. So many of them would be two faced. Lots of muslims have this urge to show themselves as religious and true believers.

My husband's behaviour in the recent years (3 last years) started pushing me away from islam. He never sees fault in himself, always blames others. When he does sth haram, he always finds some kind of explanations or excuse for it.
Doesn't take any religious advice from me because he constantly doubts my faith.

He started to be very harrd and strict with the boys. He constantly compares them to other children who in his eyes are better muslims than our kids are. He stopped spending time with them. All he cares about is work and peace of mind.

He used to help me with house chores, with kids but he stopped doing that.
I dont require much because i only work part time so have more time to clean and cook.

He is suddenly not happy with my food and he always liked it.

He doesn't take my advice about kids. They are seeking so much his approval and he keeps pushing them away. He doesn't seem to care.
When I ask him about it he always finds way to laugh it off.

He seems so in love with the youngest one but I know this will change again when he is bigger.

I'd like to divorce him. Im fed up of listening how fat, ugly and useless I am. I lost all my confidence.
I left university when I gave birth to our first son, I left my job when he started his business. I gave all my time to kids and house so he could concentrate on growing his company. Now im left with nothing. Useless job, and no perspectives if I leave him.

How can I start life all over??
I dont want the boys to treat their future wives they way my husband treats me.
They can clean, they can cook, I teach them rexpect for others. But thats not what they see at home so how can they learn.
You have to find the root cause of why he has "changed" and does not love you as the wife he married. What has happened? Ponder about those things and do not treat things as if they do not matter. Something that does not matter to you, matters to him and something that does not matter to him, does matter to you. Rather just honestly ponder/ask him what do you hate about me or what have i done that you have stopped loving me as you did in the past?

Also about business..money is one thing..but everything needs balance. If the business takes too much time..find employees..if still is too much then quit the business and start searching for other job (for him off course).

Like i in other comment said that i am not married and never have been married, i do pay attention to little details of what couples go through. One of them is that the spouses do not beautify themselves anymore for their partner. A simple example..not brushing the teeth and thus having a bad smell from their mouths. With this to combing the air..taking a shower..etc.
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Simple_Person
06-09-2017, 05:15 PM
Originally Posted by *charisma*

I don't at all believe it's oppressive if her husband expects her to keep up with her religious duties after she became a Muslim. It is incumbent upon him to ensure that his whole family is performing their religious duties. So what if she was not a Muslim before and he was ok with her not being "islamically" religious. She's a Muslim now, so the circumstances have changed and therefore his expectations of her follow suit, especially since she's fasted previously.

A relationship does not remain stagnant. It evolves and both individuals change. It's always better to marry someone with the same values to begin with, but if it happens that you do not, then you can work it out respectfully. To say that he shouldn't have married her after it's been said and done is a negative thing to say because it's insinuating that he either has to accept her as she is or leave her for someone else. That's not how it works. They are married now as Allah intended for them, and their relationship is being tested, and they have to work through it to achieve a common goal.
I have never said she should divorce him. I would NEVER say such a thing. Divorce is a BIG thing to advice and i am in NO place to advice such a thing. What i am pointing at is that one a brother/sister marries but not according to the advice of Rasullah(saws), then there is a HIGH probability even though people might change in their marriage, that doesn't mean they would BOTH STRONGLY go towards religion. Often you see in such marriages that both marry because of love and not according to certain principles/advice..then later on one because way more religious while the other feels a bit more oppressed.

With this i do tend to lean towards that it is the brother his fault for this. How? If you become more religious you have to become more lenient towards people.

"So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]." Qur'an 3:159

The reaction of this sister is rater the root cause of the behavior of her husband. She said in another comment that in the last 3 years or so she rather wants to flee from Islam. (to the sister, please do not flee from Islam. Not for me..but for your self. he does not represent Islam and you know it. You are not a Muslimah for his sake..but for your own sake).

A husband can do HORRIBLE damage with words especially to a woman. As women tend to get obsessed with a certain words.. that is why ONLY in 3 cases a Muslim can lie ..which one is if the wife asks if she looks nice (and if she doesn't) still say you look beautiful. It isn't without reason why this is in Islam.

A wife is flexible, with that i mean she adapts to the situation and to her husband. That is what i have encountered so far, why a Muslim women is forbidden to marry a non-Muslim man. Because she adapts to the situation. You give her poison she gives you double amount of poison back. You give her love, she gives you double amount of love back. You give her double amount of love, she multiples that even by 2. I see a woman as a motor, all she needs is fuel (love, attention and down that road). Not too much, but also not let it depleted. With balance.
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Sakina'141
06-10-2017, 12:16 AM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
cow, bit**, fat, shut up, get lost... to name just the few
That is very unacceptable beahviour. He sounds troubled to me...it seems that there is something bothering him...is he stressed at work? Is there fianancial stress/worries/loss of job? He may be just troubled by the situation at home but that is no way of resolving matters...name calling is just totally unacceptable. May Allah reward you for your patience, Ameen. I personally couldn't take such insults from my own family. I think you need to get some help from your or his parents or a trusted uncle or aunty to come and speak to your husband.

Its not right for a muslim to use bad words and insult anyone especially during Ramadan...slef control is the key. Don't flee from Islam due to bad character of muslims...learn Islam from Prophet SAW's good example and the Quran, don't judge our beautiful religion based on sinful muslims and we are all sinful. Islam is perfect but muslims are not. May Allah swt guide your husband and all muslims to the right path that earns Allah's pleasure and mercy and not His anger, Ameen.
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Sakina'141
06-10-2017, 12:48 AM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
I have never said she should divorce him. I would NEVER say such a thing. Divorce is a BIG thing to advice and i am in NO place to advice such a thing. What i am pointing at is that one a brother/sister marries but not according to the advice of Rasullah(saws), then there is a HIGH probability even though people might change in their marriage, that doesn't mean they would BOTH STRONGLY go towards religion. Often you see in such marriages that both marry because of love and not according to certain principles/advice..then later on one because way more religious while the other feels a bit more oppressed.

With this i do tend to lean towards that it is the brother his fault for this. How? If you become more religious you have to become more lenient towards people.

"So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]." Qur'an 3:159

The reaction of this sister is rater the root cause of the behavior of her husband. She said in another comment that in the last 3 years or so she rather wants to flee from Islam. (to the sister, please do not flee from Islam. Not for me..but for your self. he does not represent Islam and you know it. You are not a Muslimah for his sake..but for your own sake).

A husband can do HORRIBLE damage with words especially to a woman. As women tend to get obsessed with a certain words.. that is why ONLY in 3 cases a Muslim can lie ..which one is if the wife asks if she looks nice (and if she doesn't) still say you look beautiful. It isn't without reason why this is in Islam.

A wife is flexible, with that i mean she adapts to the situation and to her husband. That is what i have encountered so far, why a Muslim women is forbidden to marry a non-Muslim man. Because she adapts to the situation. You give her poison she gives you double amount of poison back. You give her love, she gives you double amount of love back. You give her double amount of love, she multiples that even by 2. I see a woman as a motor, all she needs is fuel (love, attention and down that road). Not too much, but also not let it depleted. With balance.
Indeed, its important to be lenient...you can't push/force anyone to pray and fast and wear hijab...you can only remind and the rest is upto them and is between themselves and Allah, husband is not going to be accountable for all wifes sins like he is resposible for everthing wife does...ridiculous, everyones got free will and choice to make their own decsions.

No one, especially muslim men, should never marry with forceful/pushy attitude in hopes & dreams of leading the family with dictatorship leadership..will only lead to resentment and not going to work. Everyone can preach but no one can force/threaten/blackmail their family into praying and fasting etc...you can only do what you can do which is to remind with thoughtful and sincere reminders...the rest is up to them.

Personally think one shouldn't marry someone with hopes of changing them on major levels after marriage...but it is different for different people...many promise to change after marriage and many dream of changing someone they love/really like after marriage which is fair enough, they should accept the challenges and struggles that come with it for the sake of Allah and stick by the spouses instead of running for the hills/misbehaving when they find it all too difficult. You can't marry expecting an easy ride...I mean its not half of deen for no reason...but May Allah swt grant us all easy spouses who will be comfort to our eyes, Ameen.

May Allah swt resolve all matters and put right all concerns between sister batarzyna and her husband, Ameen. Keep praying dear sister batarzyna and seek istighfar, guidance and seek councel from good people.
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Hamza Asadullah
06-10-2017, 01:37 AM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
Salam,

We've been married for 11 years, have 3 boys aged 1,7 and 11. We had many ups and downs but this one is one of the worst so far.
I converted 5 years ago. I fasted first 3 ramadhans, then i was pregnant and breastfeeding the following year.
This is the first year i decided to not fast. I know it's wrong, I have my reasons though.

My husband got really upset when I told him. He's been very rude to me, insulted me, called me names. He hasn't spoken to me from the beginning of ramadhan.

Our boys fast on weekends and I encourage them to do so.
When I asked him if he is going to behave like this for the rest of ramadhan, he replied that maybe for the rest of our life.
Kids asked me if we are going to get divorced, this whole situation really upsets them but my husband doesn't care.
He said he would still behave ike that whether i start fasting now or not...

I can't see any solution :(
Asalaamu Alaikum.

My sister we can only give you general advice as we do not know the intricacies of your marriage so we cannot make a Judgement on whose wrong or whose right. But firstly sister I can fully acknowledge how difficult it must be to raise kids predominantly on your own. Especially when the Father puts in minimal if any help. That is why marriage should be a team effort. The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) always helped out with house hold matters and is a perfect example for men to also be proactive in the household. Although we must appreciate that it can be difficult coming back from a hard day's work when one is tired and wants to rest.

So my sister you need to sit down with your partner regularly and keep open the doors of communication and discuss these matters and share your feelings in a nice manner using wisdom and tact so that you can both come to a positive solution to any issues you may have and how your work load with looking after the kids and doing household chores can be reduced so that you can fast without feeling too over whelmed.

It is certainly more difficult looking after kids and fasting but it is also definitely not impossible as most Muslim Mother's do it and Mother's more than anyone else have to be able to plan in order to successfully and efficiently complete Motherly tasks and household chores along with fast and worship. Therefore you should try and take a short amount of time each evening or morning and draw up a plan and schedule your daily tasks to establish what times during the day and evening you can fit in your tasks, worship and sufficient rest and nap times. That way you can also suggest to your husband how he can help you in order to lessen the load in some way so you can fast.

Also sister we must realise that Allah will never give us a burden that we cannot bare so if you plan and schedule sufficiently and discuss these matters with your husband as a team then you will be able to fast without a problem. The first few days of fasting are always harder but they get easier once you get into the flow and your body gets used to the routine. You will even find that once your body starts detoxifying that you will have more energy than you would have before Ramadan and you will feel rejuvenated and full of energy and vigour.

But saying to your husband in a rebellious manner that you will not fast will obviously get a harsher reaction from him although there is no justification for it. But it is because he cares for you and knows the importance of fasting hence why his disappointment and frustration may cause him to lash out on you. So you must be as gentle as possible when talking about these sensitive matters and also share your feelings with him in a gentle manner about how his behaviour is affecting you and you will find it will have far more impact on him than raising your tone and lashing back.

So my sister please take the relevant steps and plan and schedule your days in a timetable including when you will eat, rest, nap, worship, look after and pick up kids, do household chores etc and discuss this timetable with your husband to come to an arrangement where he can help you in some way to lessen your burden so you will find it easier to fit in fasting with your daily obligations. That way you are also putting some responsibility on him to help you so you can fast and find it easier to do so.

Here is a thread I created for a daily Worship plan for Mother's and Workers:

Daily Ramadan Worship Plan for Workers and Mothers

So start planning, scheduling, discussing a with your partner and fasting from now sister as we are approaching half of Ramadan so it is not too late to make the best of what remains of this blessed month and these days are truly a blessed time more than any other time of the year to increase our imaan (faith) and get closer to Allah and re-focus our minds on the bigger picture which is to prepare ourselves sufficiently for our inevitable death and the Hereafter.

And remember the more pain, suffering and effort one goes through during fasting and trying to please Allah, the more one will be abundantly rewarded by Allah inshaAllah. We must also bare in mind that Ramadan is only one month a year and it goes by very quickly so we should grab as much good we can during this month before it leaves us as it could very well be our last.

May Allah enable all the hardworking Mother's and workers alike to please him and make it easier on them and reward them abundantly for any suffering they go through during this blessed month.
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*charisma*
06-10-2017, 05:40 AM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
I have never said she should divorce him. I would NEVER say such a thing. Divorce is a BIG thing to advice and i am in NO place to advice such a thing. What i am pointing at is that one a brother/sister marries but not according to the advice of Rasullah(saws), then there is a HIGH probability even though people might change in their marriage, that doesn't mean they would BOTH STRONGLY go towards religion. Often you see in such marriages that both marry because of love and not according to certain principles/advice..then later on one because way more religious while the other feels a bit more oppressed.
I understand your intentions bro, but what I'm saying is that these words are not effective in helping. Imagine if you were married to a girl as she is, and she becomes a mother. You didn't marry her with children right? But you expect her to care for the child regardless, and if she isn't doing her job as a mother and you get in an argument about it, how would you feel if someone said to her, "It's your husband's fault for marrying you without children to begin with. He shouldn't expect you to do change just because you have kids now." I know it's not exactly the same situation, but you get my point. How would that make you feel as a husband to know this is the advice your wife is getting? it's a different story if this advice was given to the husband himself, but instead it's putting a wedge between them when it's given to the wife since you're putting the blame on him. There's 3 sides to a story: the first, the second, and the truth :p. We are only hearing one side, which to me sounds mostly based on emotion. Secondly, they both knew what they were getting into when they got married. She knew she was marrying a Muslim man and he knew he was marrying a Catholic woman. So they accepted the challenges they were going to have in the beginning of the relationship and remained together for 11 years afterwards. I didn't see where she said she's thinking about not being a muslim anymore, but one's faith isn't based on external circumstances. Just because her husband is angry with her doesn't mean she should play around with her faith. You're either muslim by heart and true conviction, or you're not. It's not a game.

Even if he had married a muslim woman to begin with, the exact same thing could happen in that relationship as well. I can't speak for all women, but yes some women are more adaptive than others, some are stronger, some are wiser, but at the end of the day we are each individuals and when you've been with someone for a while, you should have learned enough by that time to understand what works and what doesn't in the relationship. Now in regards to her husband insulting her, it's definitely not something that happened just because she's not fasting. A husband doesn't just start insulting his wife so freely. It's something that began a long time before then and they probably do it back and forth, but she's being sensitive about it now because he's not talking to her.

I'm not saying at all what he's doing is right, I don't know what his issue is or what his side of the story is, so I cannot advise him since he is not reaching out. But looking at the situation from the information she is giving us, and advising her specifically, I can't say that she's doing everything correctly either. Often times also when women are fighting with their husbands, they think the worst of them. And when they are back together, they are totally fine as if nothing happened. So she's sitting here and now thinking how "manipulative" her husband is etc. Ask her again about her husband when she's happy and you'll get a different answer.
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azc
06-10-2017, 06:21 AM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
Religion wasn't my husband's no1 priority when we met. I was very young (16), we were intimate before marriage and I wasn't his first partner. He cheated on me with two girls even though was praying and practising islam.
I was fascinated by islam and its principals but couldn't stand behaviour of muslims. So many of them would be two faced. Lots of muslims have this urge to show themselves as religious and true believers.

My husband's behaviour in the recent years (3 last years) started pushing me away from islam. He never sees fault in himself, always blames others. When he does sth haram, he always finds some kind of explanations or excuse for it.
Doesn't take any religious advice from me because he constantly doubts my faith.

He started to be very harrd and strict with the boys. He constantly compares them to other children who in his eyes are better muslims than our kids are. He stopped spending time with them. All he cares about is work and peace of mind.

He used to help me with house chores, with kids but he stopped doing that.
I dont require much because i only work part time so have more time to clean and cook.

He is suddenly not happy with my food and he always liked it.

He doesn't take my advice about kids. They are seeking so much his approval and he keeps pushing them away. He doesn't seem to care.
When I ask him about it he always finds way to laugh it off.

He seems so in love with the youngest one but I know this will change again when he is bigger.

I'd like to divorce him. Im fed up of listening how fat, ugly and useless I am. I lost all my confidence.
I left university when I gave birth to our first son, I left my job when he started his business. I gave all my time to kids and house so he could concentrate on growing his company. Now im left with nothing. Useless job, and no perspectives if I leave him.

How can I start life all over??
I dont want the boys to treat their future wives they way my husband treats me.
They can clean, they can cook, I teach them rexpect for others. But thats not what they see at home so how can they learn.
Is there nobody in your/his family who may settle this dispute?

Divorce isn't the solution.
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Simple_Person
06-10-2017, 01:07 PM
Originally Posted by Sakina'17
Indeed, its important to be lenient...you can't push/force anyone to pray and fast and wear hijab...you can only remind and the rest is upto them and is between themselves and Allah, husband is not going to be accountable for all wifes sins like he is resposible for everthing wife does...ridiculous, everyones got free will and choice to make their own decsions.

No one, especially muslim men, should never marry with forceful/pushy attitude in hopes & dreams of leading the family with dictatorship leadership..will only lead to resentment and not going to work. Everyone can preach but no one can force/threaten/blackmail their family into praying and fasting etc...you can only do what you can do which is to remind with thoughtful and sincere reminders...the rest is up to them.

Personally think one shouldn't marry someone with hopes of changing them on major levels after marriage...but it is different for different people...many promise to change after marriage and many dream of changing someone they love/really like after marriage which is fair enough, they should accept the challenges and struggles that come with it for the sake of Allah and stick by the spouses instead of running for the hills/misbehaving when they find it all too difficult. You can't marry expecting an easy ride...I mean its not half of deen for no reason...but May Allah swt grant us all easy spouses who will be comfort to our eyes, Ameen.

May Allah swt resolve all matters and put right all concerns between sister batarzyna and her husband, Ameen. Keep praying dear sister batarzyna and seek istighfar, guidance and seek councel from good people.
We Muslim and with the emphasis on born-Muslims have become retarded and VERY VERY arrogant. Not all alhamdulillah, but the ones that mostly follow culture instead of the deen. I am disgusted by those brothers and the sisters..that is a totally different level. With the sisters (culture-Muslims) the arrogance and pride has no limits.

"Promising" somebody that he/she will change after marriage doesn't work. One can only change if they themselves want to change..not some promise to somebody else. This you see for example with those women that have married. This i can see with Turkish women. They start to wear headscarf..lose clothing..however their daughter is dressed as if she is going to the beach. Headscarf or lose clothing isn't all you know. Such a wife is sorry to say this but useless as useless can be. Those women are not convinced themselves of Islam and that is why they do not teach their children also those values.

Women how Allah has made them follow mostly their feelings compared to men that follow mostly their mind. That is why the sisters follow their desires (following their heart) even more than the brothers. If you ask me the chance that a (culture-Muslim) sister turns back to Islam as how it should be practiced is WAY smaller than of a brother.

Based on what do i say this?

A sister who was not born in to a Muslim family, sees the disgusted world she is surrounded at a certain age in her lifetime and when she gets to know what Islam is about she falls in love with it. The sister that has practiced oppressive culture-Islam sees the west for example rather as a "freedom". You can see this VERY clearly with Iranians. When they come to the west..they feel so "free" that even western people compared to them have some dignity and limits. Those sisters reject Islam and religion all together. They will not listen even 1 second to what you have to say or ponder about what you have to say. Many culture-Muslim sisters see even the western men as if they are "civilized", because those guys do not look them with lust. How deluded such sisters have become. As those western guys are rather more educated and control their desires because they know they will get in to trouble if they lets their desires lose. I have talked to many of those guys and as a guy i have concluded that these western "civilized" guys are even MORE scum than the Middle Eastern guys. Middle Eastern guys although many act like animals..they still have some jealousy..while those "civilized" western guys would even share their spouse with others. There is even much more but this was one of the examples.

The culture-Muslim brothers however after a time doing zina/drugs/alcohol etc. see themselves this is not the way and think about life and things. This might vary ..some realize this early on while some might already become like 50 years old or so..then realize it.

Anyhow we really live in a messed up world where even the people who are married do not think about the harm they do to their spouse.
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Simple_Person
06-10-2017, 01:32 PM
Originally Posted by *charisma*
I understand your intentions bro, but what I'm saying is that these words are not effective in helping. Imagine if you were married to a girl as she is, and she becomes a mother. You didn't marry her with children right? But you expect her to care for the child regardless, and if she isn't doing her job as a mother and you get in an argument about it, how would you feel if someone said to her, "It's your husband's fault for marrying you without children to begin with. He shouldn't expect you to do change just because you have kids now." I know it's not exactly the same situation, but you get my point. How would that make you feel as a husband to know this is the advice your wife is getting? it's a different story if this advice was given to the husband himself, but instead it's putting a wedge between them when it's given to the wife since you're putting the blame on him. There's 3 sides to a story: the first, the second, and the truth :p. We are only hearing one side, which to me sounds mostly based on emotion. Secondly, they both knew what they were getting into when they got married. She knew she was marrying a Muslim man and he knew he was marrying a Catholic woman. So they accepted the challenges they were going to have in the beginning of the relationship and remained together for 11 years afterwards. I didn't see where she said she's thinking about not being a muslim anymore, but one's faith isn't based on external circumstances. Just because her husband is angry with her doesn't mean she should play around with her faith. You're either muslim by heart and true conviction, or you're not. It's not a game.

Even if he had married a muslim woman to begin with, the exact same thing could happen in that relationship as well. I can't speak for all women, but yes some women are more adaptive than others, some are stronger, some are wiser, but at the end of the day we are each individuals and when you've been with someone for a while, you should have learned enough by that time to understand what works and what doesn't in the relationship. Now in regards to her husband insulting her, it's definitely not something that happened just because she's not fasting. A husband doesn't just start insulting his wife so freely. It's something that began a long time before then and they probably do it back and forth, but she's being sensitive about it now because he's not talking to her.

I'm not saying at all what he's doing is right, I don't know what his issue is or what his side of the story is, so I cannot advise him since he is not reaching out. But looking at the situation from the information she is giving us, and advising her specifically, I can't say that she's doing everything correctly either. Often times also when women are fighting with their husbands, they think the worst of them. And when they are back together, they are totally fine as if nothing happened. So she's sitting here and now thinking how "manipulative" her husband is etc. Ask her again about her husband when she's happy and you'll get a different answer.
I agree with some parts of your comment. With the other parts still what i am trying to point out is that some women will NEVER practice Islam at a VERY SERIOUS level, JUST like with some men who are like that. Allah in the Qur'an says

"Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. Good women are for good men and good men are for good women" Qur'an 24:26

This shows that there are certain levels for certain women and certain levels for certain men. In other words they might not both be bad on the same exact thing, but rather bad on certain aspect and the other might be bad on another aspect. Now in a not so abstract way..this sisters is not doing Ramadan, while her husband is doing some other bad things. In both cases it is still Islam related. As a good character is of a Muslim, but also dutiful habits (praying, Ramadan, zakaat, etc) are also of a Muslim.

I agree with you that she is full with emotions right now and might be saying things that tomorrow suddenly it is all fine and dandy so to say. However still she has a certain character trait as well as she. That is why to me i say dig in to the ROOT CAUSE of it all..in other words it is the marriage it self.

Start for BOTH PRACTICING Islam. No more name calling, helping with the household, creating a balanced life style (wife has rights upon her husband (he working out, making himself beautiful, giving her attention, lover her, money on the table etc.)..and he also has rights upon him (she also working out, making herself beautiful, respect him, love him..etc)

If she does everything that HE has rights over her (duties), but still he does NOT give her rights..something is seriously wrong with him, this also goes the other way. For example, the wife gives her husband all his rights, however he feels as if he is the king of the house and sits on the couch all day and not feeling any duty to also give something back. This OFTEN ..VERY OFTEN happens. You as a Muslimah knows happens more often then not in Middle Eastern cultures. The wife is treated as a house slave and servant.

Btw, about she wanting go away from Islam..her words (comment #18)

My husband's behaviour in the recent years (3 last years) started pushing me away from islam.
Reply

Sakina'141
06-11-2017, 12:14 AM
Originally Posted by Simple_Person
We Muslim and with the emphasis on born-Muslims have become retarded and VERY VERY arrogant. Not all alhamdulillah, but the ones that mostly follow culture instead of the deen. I am disgusted by those brothers and the sisters..that is a totally different level. With the sisters (culture-Muslims) the arrogance and pride has no limits.

"Promising" somebody that he/she will change after marriage doesn't work. One can only change if they themselves want to change..not some promise to somebody else. This you see for example with those women that have married. This i can see with Turkish women. They start to wear headscarf..lose clothing..however their daughter is dressed as if she is going to the beach. Headscarf or lose clothing isn't all you know. Such a wife is sorry to say this but useless as useless can be. Those women are not convinced themselves of Islam and that is why they do not teach their children also those values.

Women how Allah has made them follow mostly their feelings compared to men that follow mostly their mind. That is why the sisters follow their desires (following their heart) even more than the brothers. If you ask me the chance that a (culture-Muslim) sister turns back to Islam as how it should be practiced is WAY smaller than of a brother.

Based on what do i say this?

A sister who was not born in to a Muslim family, sees the disgusted world she is surrounded at a certain age in her lifetime and when she gets to know what Islam is about she falls in love with it. The sister that has practiced oppressive culture-Islam sees the west for example rather as a "freedom". You can see this VERY clearly with Iranians. When they come to the west..they feel so "free" that even western people compared to them have some dignity and limits. Those sisters reject Islam and religion all together. They will not listen even 1 second to what you have to say or ponder about what you have to say. Many culture-Muslim sisters see even the western men as if they are "civilized", because those guys do not look them with lust. How deluded such sisters have become. As those western guys are rather more educated and control their desires because they know they will get in to trouble if they lets their desires lose. I have talked to many of those guys and as a guy i have concluded that these western "civilized" guys are even MORE scum than the Middle Eastern guys. Middle Eastern guys although many act like animals..they still have some jealousy..while those "civilized" western guys would even share their spouse with others. There is even much more but this was one of the examples.

The culture-Muslim brothers however after a time doing zina/drugs/alcohol etc. see themselves this is not the way and think about life and things. This might vary ..some realize this early on while some might already become like 50 years old or so..then realize it.

Anyhow we really live in a messed up world where even the people who are married do not think about the harm they do to their spouse.
Hmmm...interesting things you have noted about some middle easten muslims living in western society....the root cause for those sisters to go over the top with the "freedom" in the west and to want to marry non-muslim men over middle easten men is all because as you said yourself..is due to the practice of "oppressive culture-Islam".

If they have been forced to cover up and pray and whatever...of course when they come to the West, of course some will go wild with the "freedom" they get.

But please do not generalise, I have some very good muslim friends from middle east/Iran who adhere to Islamic hijab/modesty (covers appropraitely and no haram relationships) and they are very humble, honest and very generous muslims. MashaAllah. They are very good even before marriage but LOL as you compain about kurdish women, they also don't have high opinions of middle eastern men either! The thing is not to generalise all women/men who come from certain places and to give people a chance.

And there is nothing wrong with people having preference to marry reverts if they think they are less cultural and more Islamic, supportive/helpul and understanding. I am thinking myself about considering reverts and may be even men from outside my own ethnicity but I haven't really given my own people much of a chance so will be a future consideration.

May Allah swt grant us all good, righteous spouses, Ameen.
Reply

Sakina'141
06-11-2017, 12:33 AM
Originally Posted by *charisma*
I understand your intentions bro, but what I'm saying is that these words are not effective in helping. Imagine if you were married to a girl as she is, and she becomes a mother. You didn't marry her with children right? But you expect her to care for the child regardless, and if she isn't doing her job as a mother and you get in an argument about it, how would you feel if someone said to her, "It's your husband's fault for marrying you without children to begin with. He shouldn't expect you to do change just because you have kids now." I know it's not exactly the same situation, but you get my point. How would that make you feel as a husband to know this is the advice your wife is getting? it's a different story if this advice was given to the husband himself, but instead it's putting a wedge between them when it's given to the wife since you're putting the blame on him. There's 3 sides to a story: the first, the second, and the truth :p. We are only hearing one side, which to me sounds mostly based on emotion. Secondly, they both knew what they were getting into when they got married. She knew she was marrying a Muslim man and he knew he was marrying a Catholic woman. So they accepted the challenges they were going to have in the beginning of the relationship and remained together for 11 years afterwards.
I agree that there is no point talking about the past or trying to find blame either...its not helpful and not correct. Whatever happened happened...they got married knowingly and with good intentions I am sure. Every marriage goes through disagreements and arguments...whther its muslim-non-muslim marriage or muslim-muslim marriage...there is conflict in every marriage at some point. OP's situation is not unusual...in fact its common now from all the marriage conflicts and arguments I have witnessed but they always stick together and stand by each other in the end which is beautiful.

Marraige conflicts is not very good to expereice but it really isn't uncommon, its very common and marraige couples need to find ways to address and resolve all the matters through communication, love, affection and good councel if necessary. I persoanlly think if marraige couples pray together, read Quran together...worshiping in unison whenever they get time together putting aside whatever issues they have, that would help resolve a lot of marraige issues and build a strong marraige bond and affection for one another....but this is just my personal opinion. Openness and good communication is also key...don't agree with bottling things up and having resentment/negative thoughts about others inside us...its best talking to them in a good way if you got some issues thats bothering you.
Reply

Umm♥Layth
06-11-2017, 01:07 AM
Originally Posted by Sakina'17
husband is not going to be accountable for all wifes sins like he is resposible for everthing wife does...ridiculous, everyones got free will and choice to make their own decsions.
Actually, the husband is responsible for how he leads his family. Let me give you an example. If a man marries a woman who has a tendency of flirting with other men and he doesn't watch over who she talks to and she ends up committing zina, he is responsible for not doing enough, not for her sin. So HE DOES hold responsibility, it says so in the Quran. If he cannot deal with this type of woman and watch over her properly or if she doesn't change her ways after warnings, he has grounds for divorce. This is why we marry according to sunnah and follow proper guidelines.

I am not saying the OP's husband is being far in his manner of dealing with this, not at all, I'm simply clarifying the free will part in a marriage. :)
Reply

Sakina'141
06-11-2017, 02:09 AM
Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth
Actually, the husband is responsible for how he leads his family. Let me give you an example. If a man marries a woman who has a tendency of flirting with other men and he doesn't watch over who she talks to and she ends up committing zina, he is responsible for not doing enough, not for her sin. So HE DOES hold responsibility, it says so in the Quran. If he cannot deal with this type of woman and watch over her properly or if she doesn't change her ways after warnings, he has grounds for divorce. This is why we marry according to sunnah and follow proper guidelines.

I am not saying the OP's husband is being far in his manner of dealing with this, not at all, I'm simply clarifying the free will part in a marriage. :)
I was only saying that Husband can't force wife to do anything.

All he can do is preach/remind/whatever you want to call it then full stop.

Its not fair for husband to be held responsibile when he's done his best to guide his wife but she continues to do as she pleases. Why should he be held "responsible" for any of wives sins when he never advocated them and even preached against them?

And I really don't think its any of our business to tell anyone to divorce their wives either. But some people like to break marraiges up by blaming husband for not being able to "control/lead" their wives rather than help to come up with solutions and give good advise. I have no respect for home wreckers and marraige breakers who makes everything worse for everyone including kids involved. However, divorce is permissible and required at times to end bad unresolvable marriage situations and society shouldn't frown upon divorcees, its perfectly acceptable and respectable way to part ways with someone who you cannot see eye to eye with or live with any longer. There is only so long/so many years one can keep preaching and try to fix something thats broken in everyway possible before they realise its over.

I really wouldn't have a clue tbh...never been in a relationship and I really don't want to end up in a bad relationship either. May Allah swt save us from all disaster situations, Ameen. But Alhamdulillah there is a halal solution for every bad situation including seperation/divorce if necessary in a marriage.
Reply

Simple_Person
06-11-2017, 09:01 AM
Originally Posted by Sakina'17
Hmmm...interesting things you have noted about some middle easten muslims living in western society....the root cause for those sisters to go over the top with the "freedom" in the west and to want to marry non-muslim men over middle easten men is all because as you said yourself..is due to the practice of "oppressive culture-Islam".

If they have been forced to cover up and pray and whatever...of course when they come to the West, of course some will go wild with the "freedom" they get.

But please do not generalise, I have some very good muslim friends from middle east/Iran who adhere to Islamic hijab/modesty (covers appropraitely and no haram relationships) and they are very humble, honest and very generous muslims. MashaAllah. They are very good even before marriage but LOL as you compain about kurdish women, they also don't have high opinions of middle eastern men either! The thing is not to generalise all women/men who come from certain places and to give people a chance.

And there is nothing wrong with people having preference to marry reverts if they think they are less cultural and more Islamic, supportive/helpul and understanding. I am thinking myself about considering reverts and may be even men from outside my own ethnicity but I haven't really given my own people much of a chance so will be a future consideration.

May Allah swt grant us all good, righteous spouses, Ameen.
Sister, marrying a revert there is NOTHING wrong with it. When i look at a revert brother, i do not see a western guy, i see a brother.

I sub'han'Allah never had any ill feelings towards my revert brothers and sisters. Those often practice Islam accordingly, however sadly some also become because of brainwashing also radical. They already just arrived in Islam and want to hang out with fellow brothers and sisters but sadly not noticeable who is a radical and who is not. So in the end get caught up. However alhamdulillah because of internet and whole ISIS-nonsense, many have came to realize about things.

So marrying a revert, do please as we do not see blond hair, blue eyes, white skin, we see a fellow brother/sister.

Also, no i do not generalize. However do know that i have given up on Kurdish women to marry. The woman that i want to marry i want her to like me has abolished culture from her heart..(doing newroz (Kurdish holiday 21 march - starting of spring), wearing gold when going to a wedding, dancing, listening to Kurdish music, gossiping, not wearing hijab, asking €15.000 of gold as mahr, etc.. )

Rather maybe looking at a Arabic ethnicity.
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AbdurRahman.
06-11-2017, 01:07 PM
maybe it's in the reason why you dont fast?; he may think your being very bad just desregarding the fastings like that

it's one thing keeping a few and than missing some due to finding it hard, but just to intend not to fast the whole month seems very desrespectful to Ramadan and an 'unacceptable attitude' as far as he's concerned?
Reply

Umm♥Layth
06-11-2017, 09:03 PM
Originally Posted by Sakina'17
I was only saying that Husband can't force wife to do anything.

All he can do is preach/remind/whatever you want to call it then full stop.

Its not fair for husband to be held responsibile when he's done his best to guide his wife but she continues to do as she pleases. Why should he be held "responsible" for any of wives sins when he never advocated them and even preached against them?

And I really don't think its any of our business to tell anyone to divorce their wives either. But some people like to break marraiges up by blaming husband for not being able to "control/lead" their wives rather than help to come up with solutions and give good advise. I have no respect for home wreckers and marraige breakers who makes everything worse for everyone including kids involved. However, divorce is permissible and required at times to end bad unresolvable marriage situations and society shouldn't frown upon divorcees, its perfectly acceptable and respectable way to part ways with someone who you cannot see eye to eye with or live with any longer. There is only so long/so many years one can keep preaching and try to fix something thats broken in everyway possible before they realise its over.

I really wouldn't have a clue tbh...never been in a relationship and I really don't want to end up in a bad relationship either. May Allah swt save us from all disaster situations, Ameen. But Alhamdulillah there is a halal solution for every bad situation including seperation/divorce if necessary in a marriage.
If you re-read what I stated, I said, the husband is responsible for the efforts he made or didn't make. Just like a parent IS responsible for the efforts they make or don't make in raising their children in the way of Islam. Marriage is alot more complex than you think it is. A MAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FLOCK. Full stop. So yes, her husband does have a right to be upset that she isn't fasting, perhaps her reasons are not valid and he hold a level of responsibility for that. We are nobody to say what is fair and what isn't when Allah has commanded something as he is the one with wisdom we cannot comprehend.

Again, I am not in agreement with the method he is addressing the sister. Name calling and alienating is uncalled for as well as immature, however, we don't know the entire story and therefore we should make our best efforts to give sound advice or just not get involved.

I'm unsure if you were referring to me when you said you have no respect for homewreckers etc. Just to clarify, at no point did I advocate divorce, nor would I ever suggest divorce as a first step. It is clear that there are underlying marital issues here so even trying to give advice on a symptom is useless in my opinion. Furthermore, the sister is a convert and there are also cultural issues going on here. Converts go through phases and most born Muslims cannot comprehend this delicate situation, even the converts themselves don't quite realize what's going on when it is happening. That's another topic though.

In my explanation to you, I described a couple of scenarios where a man has grounds for divorce to illustrate a point. This is a fact, not my opinion. Again, this was not an advocacy for divorce.

Again, a man does have a responsibility to guide his family and he will be held accountable for her behavior TO AN EXTENT, and for that you'll need to take it up with a scholar. I'm old enough and experienced enough to understand the family system very clearly and I'm quite at peace with my understanding.

and Allah knows best. :)
Reply

Sakina'141
06-11-2017, 10:21 PM
Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth
If you re-read what I stated, I said, the husband is responsible for the efforts he made or didn't make. Just like a parent IS responsible for the efforts they make or don't make in raising their children in the way of Islam. Marriage is alot more complex than you think it is. A MAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FLOCK. Full stop. So yes, her husband does have a right to be upset that she isn't fasting, perhaps her reasons are not valid and he hold a level of responsibility for that. We are nobody to say what is fair and what isn't when Allah has commanded something as he is the one with wisdom we cannot comprehend.

Again, I am not in agreement with the method he is addressing the sister. Name calling and alienating is uncalled for as well as immature, however, we don't know the entire story and therefore we should make our best efforts to give sound advice or just not get involved.

I'm unsure if you were referring to me when you said you have no respect for homewreckers etc. Just to clarify, at no point did I advocate divorce, nor would I ever suggest divorce as a first step. It is clear that there are underlying marital issues here so even trying to give advice on a symptom is useless in my opinion. Furthermore, the sister is a convert and there are also cultural issues going on here. Converts go through phases and most born Muslims cannot comprehend this delicate situation, even the converts themselves don't quite realize what's going on when it is happening. That's another topic though.

In my explanation to you, I described a couple of scenarios where a man has grounds for divorce to illustrate a point. This is a fact, not my opinion. Again, this was not an advocacy for divorce.

Again, a man does have a responsibility to guide his family and he will be held accountable for her behavior TO AN EXTENT, and for that you'll need to take it up with a scholar. I'm old enough and experienced enough to understand the family system very clearly and I'm quite at peace with my understanding.

and Allah knows best. :)
LOL we got into another disagreement in a different thread!...Sorry really did not mean to but it happens. We just don't see eye to eye with certain things it seems. But I do agree with everything you said above though! :)

Yeah only accountable TO AN EXTENT...we can preach all we want to our children/spouse to pray and fast but we can't force these things espcially on grown up adults and I don't see why a humble, pious parent should be held responsible for the secret sins of daughter who has gone astray but pretending to be good, pious muslim (this does actually happens) and I do NOT blame their parents for the immoral behaviour of daughters/sons behind their parents backs.

May Allah swt guide all our families and children to right path that earns His pleasure, Ameen.

And NO I was not referring to you or anyone in particular when I said I have no respect for homewreckers. It was just a general statement about some people who like to advise troubled marraiges to divorce like there are no other option and as if divorce is the only way...I have seen this happen which really bothers me, some people take divorce very lightly like its nothing serious/a big deal...Well...it kind of is A BIG deal! In my humble opinion anyway.

Anyways, my dear sister Umm Layth...I do not wish to get into debate with you! I wish you peace and happiness! :) :)...I need to go and pray now!

Good Day & Good Bye! :)

:sl: :)
Reply

batarzyna
06-12-2017, 11:08 AM
There was a breakthrough. My son told me my mother in law told my husband to start speaking to me again so the atmosphere at home is a bit better now. It is still a vry formal way of communicating but at least we talk...

I always believe that it's never one person's fault when marriage breaks. I contributed to it as well.
I can mention 3 things. After having 3 kids Im nearly 30kg heavier than before having kids. I had a good body that my husband loved and I'm now overweight. I'm working on it and I will lose weight sooner or later. I know my husband doesn't like me overweight and he is very clear about it calling me far, cow etc :(
Second thing is sex. My husband wants to have sex every day while I would be fine with once a week... We compromise and have sex 2-3 times a week which I think is ok after 14 years together but he is still not happy. That's one of the reasons he always talks about having a second wife... So he can have sex as often as he wants. If i dont want, then she will want.
The last thing is very much my fault - religion. I gave him false hopes. I was very interested in islam, when I was converting I was convinced I would be a better muslim than i was catholic. I always believed but never practiced religion as much.
When I converted I tried to pray regularly, I started fasting. Unfortunately after many months I realized I don't feel it. I kept forcing myself and lied to myself but I never enjoyed praying. I could never feel it inside. When I slowly stopped praying my husband understood it as me slowly going back to my previous faith. I kept telling him it's not the case but he never fully believed.
When I converted my husband had hopes he will finally have a proper Muslim wife and it never happened. thats where the disappointment came from.
He knew he married catholic, he always hoped I would convert, but never forced me.
We've had many issues and bad times but we somehow survived.

I met him when I was nearly 16, We started living together when I was 17... We were crazy in love...
I would hate to see this marriage break but Im afraid it is going to happen sooner or later.
We are quite comfortable the way we are. He earns well and works a lot, I take care of the house and the kids. I work on Saturdays when he is off. We have a house, cars and 3 wonderful children.
We wouldn't be together if it wasn't for the kids.
Sometimes I feel I still love him, sometimes I hate him and feel he can't stand me either.
It's very sad.

Sometimes when he doesn;t speak to me I will wake up in the middle of the night and cuddle him pretending to be asleep, sometimes he cuddles me back and I feel so wonderful and safe hoping he still has feelings for me. Sometimes he pushes me away and it hurts so much.

You may be fed up reading about my struggles. But as I have nobody to talk to I thought I will talk to you :)
Thank you everyone
Reply

Bobbyflay23
06-12-2017, 11:30 AM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
There was a breakthrough. My son told me my mother in law told my husband to start speaking to me again so the atmosphere at home is a bit better now. It is still a vry formal way of communicating but at least we talk...

I always believe that it's never one person's fault when marriage breaks. I contributed to it as well.
I can mention 3 things. After having 3 kids Im nearly 30kg heavier than before having kids. I had a good body that my husband loved and I'm now overweight. I'm working on it and I will lose weight sooner or later. I know my husband doesn't like me overweight and he is very clear about it calling me far, cow etc :(
Second thing is sex. My husband wants to have sex every day while I would be fine with once a week... We compromise and have sex 2-3 times a week which I think is ok after 14 years together but he is still not happy. That's one of the reasons he always talks about having a second wife... So he can have sex as often as he wants. If i dont want, then she will want.
The last thing is very much my fault - religion. I gave him false hopes. I was very interested in islam, when I was converting I was convinced I would be a better muslim than i was catholic. I always believed but never practiced religion as much.
When I converted I tried to pray regularly, I started fasting. Unfortunately after many months I realized I don't feel it. I kept forcing myself and lied to myself but I never enjoyed praying. I could never feel it inside. When I slowly stopped praying my husband understood it as me slowly going back to my previous faith. I kept telling him it's not the case but he never fully believed.
When I converted my husband had hopes he will finally have a proper Muslim wife and it never happened. thats where the disappointment came from.
He knew he married catholic, he always hoped I would convert, but never forced me.
We've had many issues and bad times but we somehow survived.

I met him when I was nearly 16, We started living together when I was 17... We were crazy in love...
I would hate to see this marriage break but Im afraid it is going to happen sooner or later.
We are quite comfortable the way we are. He earns well and works a lot, I take care of the house and the kids. I work on Saturdays when he is off. We have a house, cars and 3 wonderful children.
We wouldn't be together if it wasn't for the kids.
Sometimes I feel I still love him, sometimes I hate him and feel he can't stand me either.
It's very sad.

Sometimes when he doesn;t speak to me I will wake up in the middle of the night and cuddle him pretending to be asleep, sometimes he cuddles me back and I feel so wonderful and safe hoping he still has feelings for me. Sometimes he pushes me away and it hurts so much.

You may be fed up reading about my struggles. But as I have nobody to talk to I thought I will talk to you :)
Thank you everyone
Okay with sex you should ask him about if he's willing to go through a alternative like sorry for being explicit but using your hand instead of actual sex and as for Islam you should ask yourself why are you a Muslim because your husband or because of allah himself learn about Islam and why it must be a truth as yourself why are you a Muslim and think about it with your head have I done enough to make it to heaven watch some Islamic videos on the punishment of hell and the reward of heaven that's only if you want to become religious you just need to learn about it also about healing your relationship have a serious talk with him i garentee if he actually shows you love and affection you probably naturally open up to him and do things that he likes sortve like you fasting or how he wants allot of sex or I'm sure there's more things he wants that you probably don't do just talk to him about it tell him your willing to sacrifice for the relationship but he needs to sacrifice too agree to watch a video on the rights of the husband so you can fullfill them and ask him to watch a video of the rights of the wife so he can fullfill them too (I'm talking about the Islamic rights) that's my advice but I'm not married I'm just some 16 year so idk don't instantly take my advice clarify with someone who's married ok this forum if my advice is good
Reply

Simple_Person
06-12-2017, 12:17 PM
Originally Posted by batarzyna
There was a breakthrough. My son told me my mother in law told my husband to start speaking to me again so the atmosphere at home is a bit better now. It is still a vry formal way of communicating but at least we talk...

I always believe that it's never one person's fault when marriage breaks. I contributed to it as well.
I can mention 3 things. After having 3 kids Im nearly 30kg heavier than before having kids. I had a good body that my husband loved and I'm now overweight. I'm working on it and I will lose weight sooner or later. I know my husband doesn't like me overweight and he is very clear about it calling me far, cow etc :(
Second thing is sex. My husband wants to have sex every day while I would be fine with once a week... We compromise and have sex 2-3 times a week which I think is ok after 14 years together but he is still not happy. That's one of the reasons he always talks about having a second wife... So he can have sex as often as he wants. If i dont want, then she will want.
The last thing is very much my fault - religion. I gave him false hopes. I was very interested in islam, when I was converting I was convinced I would be a better muslim than i was catholic. I always believed but never practiced religion as much.
When I converted I tried to pray regularly, I started fasting. Unfortunately after many months I realized I don't feel it. I kept forcing myself and lied to myself but I never enjoyed praying. I could never feel it inside. When I slowly stopped praying my husband understood it as me slowly going back to my previous faith. I kept telling him it's not the case but he never fully believed.
When I converted my husband had hopes he will finally have a proper Muslim wife and it never happened. thats where the disappointment came from.
He knew he married catholic, he always hoped I would convert, but never forced me.
We've had many issues and bad times but we somehow survived.

I met him when I was nearly 16, We started living together when I was 17... We were crazy in love...
I would hate to see this marriage break but Im afraid it is going to happen sooner or later.
We are quite comfortable the way we are. He earns well and works a lot, I take care of the house and the kids. I work on Saturdays when he is off. We have a house, cars and 3 wonderful children.
We wouldn't be together if it wasn't for the kids.
Sometimes I feel I still love him, sometimes I hate him and feel he can't stand me either.
It's very sad.

Sometimes when he doesn;t speak to me I will wake up in the middle of the night and cuddle him pretending to be asleep, sometimes he cuddles me back and I feel so wonderful and safe hoping he still has feelings for me. Sometimes he pushes me away and it hurts so much.

You may be fed up reading about my struggles. But as I have nobody to talk to I thought I will talk to you :)
Thank you everyone
Gaining weight is normal with pregnancy, however it is the duty of the wife to keep her self beautiful for her husband. However to be able to lose weight one must get time to do so. Does your husband give you the time by doing what you usually would do (clean the house, take care of the children, cook..etc.) so you could go and work out? Do remember 1/3, food 1/3, water..1/3 air.

Being 14 years together makes you about 30-31 years old i believe. That age is still way before the age that the man loses less of his drive in intimacy. You not wanting to have often intimacy MAY lie because of other things. Ever thought about that? Maybe the connection between you and him..the affection between you and him. Maybe because you are more often too tired? A woman is not like a man when it comes to intimacy. We as men have urges, while a woman needs time to want it. As we know of Rasullah(saws) has said do not approach your wives like animals or somewhere down that road. So go think about what may be the cause, i myself THINK it may be that the affection between you and him plays a big role in you having less drive in intimacy.

This one is his OWN fault if you ask me, although you yourself are honest with it and indeed you should have not given him that false hope. Just as i suspected he did not follow up the advice of Rasullah(saws) and now he is having those issues. Marrying because of beauty. As with beauty comes (intimacy, love etc.). To this ..it CAN be fixed, however it needs to hands to clap. Go and ask yourself how come you are not so convinced of Islam? What is missing that you say that is it? Being convinced comes from the mind, honesty comes from the heart. When you are 100% through logic, rationality and reason convinced Islam is the truth, your heart will also accept it. Have you ever asked yourself why you "have" to pray or even why Allah has made prayer obligatory? Have you ever asked yourself why Ramadan? What is the use or wisdom behind it? When knowing this and much more, one even will do the voluntary prayers and fasting.

The marriage is a thing again that needs two hands to clap. It needs dedication and effort to make it work. If the man sits on the couch all day not giving his wife compliments or help his wife or make her laugh etc..it is rather kind of dead marriage. You guys know each other already. Instead of seeing problems, look for solutions. Start with yourself and the things he hates about you. Weight, Islam. I guarantee you HE WILL SEE change in your behavior when you start giving him his rights although he might not yet give you your rights. That will ins'sha'Allah come later on.

Also, you have said you guys own a business and you said he "works a lot"..maybe balance is good? As in every relationship balance is good. Even lets say you guys SO BADLY need the money and he works. How hard is it that he calls you every afternoon to say how you are and that he loves you or tells you a joke. Or you calling him to talk him and show your affection to him. There is a saying "Out of sight out of mind". Well you may not see him all day, but calling him you will talk to each other..in other words you guys keep in each others minds. Money is one thing, but you do not need so much money if you guys already have enough money. Seek out balance.

As a man if a man pushes you away it has a reason. I can think of 3.

1. He is disgusted with you (maybe refusing intimacy because of it for example)
2. He has it to warm (we men tend to get warm more easily, so having a stove (spouse) next to us is unbearable. Think about those warm summer nights. The last thing we want is a spouse that wants to cuddle when sleeping. Remember when you are to hot you automatically in your sleep push away your bed sheet..a stove (the spouse) is the same XD. You guys (women) can walk in the sun all wrapped up and only sweat a little bit, while we men are pouring)
3. He wants to sleep because he is tired. (When cuddling, you change to a certain position that position might not be ideal position to want to sleep.)

Nah, you are not a burden, every successful marriage is a good thing to have. These days the family unite is being ripped apart. Do think about the things i have said. Maybe i am wrong and am missing something.
Reply

*charisma*
06-12-2017, 01:35 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

Sis what you're going through is EXTREMELY normal. I'm sure the grumpiness of fasting is just adding to the issues, but these problems are easily solvable. You've been together for so long you have to learn how to reconnect. Maybe because your lives are such a routine, it becomes a bit dull after 11 years. You have to change it up. Also if your husband has physical needs that he's not getting from you, that's going to add to his frustration. I know for you as a woman, you want a stronger emotional connection, but for him as a man he needs the physical one. Both are important for each of course, but for each of you, there is a need for one more than the other because that is just how we are programmed to be.

As for your Islam, take it one day at a time. You have to make some connection with that too. Since you're taking care of your kids, you can sit with them and talk about Islam together. They are going to be learning and so will you as you teach them. Your husband will feel left out so he will probably join in :p The same thing with working out. Play with your kids..use them as weight loss tools :D If you can't work out, then just have smarter eating habits. Weight loss is 80% diet than it is exercise.

There have been drastic changes in your lives since 11 years ago, you can't expect the same results. Maybe the focus is always on your kids rather than on each other..and you have to make time and effort for both.
Reply

MazharShafiq
06-16-2017, 12:13 PM
Only Allah has hold on every heart , you should tell your all problems to your Allah until all will be fine . it is my experience . and you should study tafseer of surah al mujadla ( first surah of juz 28 ) it will notice you the power of Dua , inshaAlla
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