and decided I'm done with girls.
yesterday, I went over to that Turkish lady's house, with my mother, with the intention of spending time with the woman's 18 year old daughter. when I got over there, she was sleeping. I got grouchy, and told the lady I pray every day that God kills me out of lonliness. My mother and the lady snapped at me. we eventually left, and my mother was angry with me, and I kept asking if we could still visit when the girl was available, and for some reason (I forgot why), my mother got very angry and said, "we're not ever visiting anyone" (originally she said we could) I kept asking, and she got madder, and madder....eventually, she dropped me off at home after a lengthy argument, and I slammed her door shut, kicked a garbage can, and went inside. I kept calling, and she didn't come home for hours, although she did pick up when I called through gmail, and eventually she just screamed angrily and I couldn't tell what she was saying. she emailed my divorced father, like she usually does in a crisis, and he told me to stop by text. I got defensive, and he said, "i will send you to jail" I didn't believe him, and said, "what are you going to do, not talk to me? I don't care...." he said, "you will see." I remembered I did something which was a misdemeanor years ago when I was a minor, and I got so scared, so I kept calling him, in violation of his rule that i wait for him to call me, and didn't get a reply. I was ready to kill myself or put myself into a coma with sleeping pills and water so I didn't go to jail. I called my social worker, and he said I likely wouldn't get arrested, and even if the cops came, I would just pay a fine and possibly do community service, and that I was overreacting. I sobbed, and he said he knew the justice system pretty well due to being an LCSW (licensed clinical social worker). I sobbed and sobbed, but still worried. I called a bunch of people. only one picked up, and they calmed me down. I was still scared hours later, so I had the pills in one hand and the glass of water in the other in case the cops broke down my door. I was ready to go into a coma. my mother eventually picked up when I installed a phone app with a new number. I said "I'm very sorry." and she said, "shut up." and hung up. I kept calling and texting. no reply. I called my childhood friend's dad. he said, "ulan (a bad word), it's you, ulan" and talked to me very quickly and then hung up in a rude way. my mother eventually came home under the condition that I don't say a word to her or come down stairs. I drowned myself. I also choked myself with a belt. I sung about death. I suffocated myself with a blanket in the hopes that I would cut off oxygen to my brain and become retarded, as intelligence caused me to overthink. I eventually got somewhat delirious and stupid. I took 10 mg of melatonin with the hopes of going to sleep. it didn't make me sleepy at first, but instead made me drunk. I eventually went to sleep, after deleting my Instagram account, and this morning, my mother took my phone. I'm done with girls and women. ive decided my main goal in life should be pleasing Allah @MuslimInshallah
im sorry about all those times i argued with you over politics. please answer my post, my brother in Islam and fellow Turk on the forum.