Sallams. My soon to be wife has a past...

[Stoic]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

[Patrick84]

Brother,

The Quran says that an adulterer can only marry an adulteress - but I believe when someone truly repents then that is only between them and Allah.


However, the psychological consequences can be disastrous, especially if you yourself never committed Zina (which I am assuming so).


This can play on your mind throughout your marriage and can be devastating, so I would be careful. You may at times think, gosh, am I better than her previous experiences? She has been around a bit, so she has probably experienced all kinds of stuff - this is reality and it can play on your mind, and I have seen marriages break when a virgin has married someone who was promiscuous in their previous lives.


My opinion is - if it doesn't affect you at all mentally/psychologically then sure, Allah is oft-forgiving most merciful - that's between Allah and her, then build a bridge and get over it.


If you feel there is a risk of you not getting over it, then keep well away.


My formula is, if you have committed zina, then don't be going around looking for a virgin.


If you were previously married, whatever happened is not your fault, I would advise to marry a divorcee, unless you find a birgin/less experienced person who will not be insecure about your past experience/s.

[Hamza Asadullah]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

:sl:

Do you mean she committed fornication in the context of a pre-marital relationship? My brother many of us have pasts ourselves but when it comes to finding a spouse we expect her to be a near perfect chaste virgin. We have to think to ourselves have we ever committed fornication? Have we committed acts of Faahisha (lewd acts)? If not then I can understand.

Also my brother know that not many people would admit their past when it comes to marriage so the fact that she admitted it is a good sign. Also she has repented sincerely and regrets her past actions which again is a good sign. But as brother Patrick stated if you yourself have kept away from fornication and Faahisha then you have the right to expect the same. Also if you know that the thought of her with another man may affect your marriage then it is best to move on as shaythan can whisper evil thoughts and try and cause friction in the marriage.

However you should also consider that if you do move on and find a "virgin" with no past - which is not always guaranteed as many people both men and women lie about their past - then you may find a deficiency in their character or she may not be as practicing or other issues - which may cause bigger problems for you during marriage.

If you like this woman's piety, character and personality and think she will be a good wife for you then make isthikhara and ask of Allah to enable you to make the right decision then put your trust in Allah and whatever happens after that will be what is best for you.

Also a quick reminder to make sure you do not talk to her privately as we should always pursue marriage in a way that pleases Allah and keep away from private conversations which will enable shaythan to be third party to your interactions. We do not want to pollute our pursuit of marriage rather we want to have blessings and the help of Allah. So do your best to ensure that her Mahram, or if her Mahram is not available then your female relative is involved in any future conversations whether on the phone, online, via email and especially face to face.

May Allah do what is best for you with regards to finding a spouse for marriage. Ameen

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Stoic; and welcome to the forum,

None of us on this forum know you or her, so we might not be in the best position to give advice, can you both see an imam together?

From what you said, she had a choice, she did not have to tell you about her affair, but she did. It seems as if she wants to be honest, and if she gets married again, she does not want any secrets. We all struggle to do the right thing, she may well have wanted to tell you ages ago, but did not have the courage. However, she sounds like a truthful kind of person who does not like to keep secrets. She was probably deeply hurt when her husband cheated. We all sin and we all struggle to do the will of Allah.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

Only Allah can judge her true sincerity. If you do forgive her, then it has to be totally. Can you pray for her, and ask Allah to forgive her? When you have your next argument, you cannot hold her past affair against her. This would mean you have not forgiven her fully.

Staying married has to be one of the toughest tests in life, I have only been married thirty one years, eleven months, and nineteen days. The first thirty years are the toughest, then it gets harder. Life throws a lot of problems at you, I say this in a way that it might test your determination to stay married for life, should you go ahead.

Please ask a scholar for a greater Islamic ruling, and pray for guidance.

May Allah bless you, and those you love and care for.

Eric

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[sister herb]

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

Salam alaykum

What do you think you have to forgive her? Did she do something against you when she did those things before she knew you? Everyone has past - different kind of. It can be called also as "life I lived before I met you". Some have sinned, some not but sinner can repent and then it´s a matter between him/her and Allah. Be happy and proud that your future wife was so honest to tell you those things and now forget them. They belongs to the past, not to the future.

[Umm Abed]

I can understand if she said what she did if she was questioned, and as she has repented all should be good.

But what made her blurt out this statement, if I could put it that way?

So basically, this thread is not about having a past or not but the fact that she announced her sin without being asked, that is the worrying bit.

I would like your opinion @Hamza Asadullah .

[sister herb]

^ That´s a good point too but think about situation if years after the marriage past sins of this girl would become to the day light and hers husband then would starts to wondering why she didn´t tell about them before the marriage.

[Umm Abed]

Now that you said that, sister herb, one thought come to mind.

Perhaps someone threatened to tell her potential husband that is why she said it. If that is the case then I think it would be a reasonable excuse that she mentioned it.

[Umm♥Layth]

Everyone falls into sin of different kinds and levels. Although it isn't your place to "judge", it IS you place to judge the situation and decide if this is the person you want to attempt to spend the rest of your life with. It is great that she's been honest, but she actually didn't have to tell you. It is probably guilt that drove her to tell you. This tells you about her understanding of Allah and her trust in him. When a person repents, it is with a full understanding and belief that he is forgiving the sin. When that person doesn't let it go, it shows their lack of trust and possibly the fact that they are not fully set on changing their ways.

What you need to look for is CONSISTENCY. How long ago was the last time she committed this sin? How long ago did she change her ways for the better? For situations like these, I like to see at least 7+ years of changed behavior and no setbacks. Anything less and you are risking this scenario happening during marriage. Minor behavioral issues are much more easily dealt with if a person keeps having setbacks (such as smoking, anger outbursts, lazyness etc) by means of support. Zina is not a minor sin and if these tendencies are there, how can you entrust her to stay home alone if you need to travel? What if you have a difficult time during marriage, is she going to find someone else if you separate for a time?

I only say all of this because I have seen people who have a bad lifestyle, clean up their act for 4-5 years, get married and have a complete 180 soon after. Yes, it can happen to any of us, but this is why we look for consistency The risk is alot lower.

May Allah make it easy for you. Pray istikhaara and don't allow yourself to be weakened by tears and hormones.

[Umm Abed]

Sister Umm Layth, while I agree with your core sentiments, I do think it would be a bit selfish to announce or tell him just a few days before marrying him. It would be understandable if he asked, but no he didnt and she said it.

Off loading a burden of sin is by repentance, not announcing it. Now the man has to carry this burden of knowing. I hope you understand what I mean.

[Stoic]

Its kind of my fault. She told me she had done something in the past shell be taking to her grave and its between her and Allah and I was too curious and demands an answer what it was...

[Umm Abed]

Its kind of my fault. She told me she had done something in the past shell be taking to her grave and its between her and Allah and I was too curious and demands an answer what it was...

But why did she say to you that she has done something in the past? That wasnt necessary at all. It naturally made you curious, Im sure it would equally be hard living with something like that also, and keep wondering what it was.

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How do you feel about everything now? Do you lean more towards wanting to marry her or not?

Maybe give yourself more time before going ahead with a final decision?

[Stoic]

She wanted to be honest with me regarding everything. Also a guilt she had that been eating her. Right now I feel ok about it if she is sincere and still want to go ahead with the marriage cuz I really like her from I've heard and seen she has a good character. And in a way I feel like I'm the one able to save her.

[Umm Abed]

She wanted to be honest with me regarding everything. Also a guilt she had that been eating her. Right now I feel ok about it if she is sincere and still want to go ahead with the marriage cuz I really like her from I've heard and seen she has a good character. And in a way I feel like I'm the one able to save her.

This is some consolation and good news.

What you are saying now reveals a little more of what she might be feeling, and it isnt a bad thing after all.

I think the news is still fresh so you're feeling distraught but as how things look, it looks likes like the marriage will work.

But, whatever you do, go with it with a clear mind.

[Stoic]

I'm gonna continue to make dua and istikhara. So if it falls thru I ask u guys to make dua for us too to bless our marriage iA

[Umm Abed]

I'm gonna continue to make dua and istikhara. So if it falls thru I ask u guys to make dua for us too to bless our marriage iA

It is the best that you can do.

I have a feeling it will work out, I hope it does, insha'allah.

May Allah make it easy for you and you do what is best.

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Jazakallah to everyone who replied and special thanks to brother Hamza who went through the extra mile as always.

[Stoic]

Yea when I first heard the news it was heartbreaking to me as I couldn't do anything. As time went on tho I feel more forgiving. She tells me I mean a lot to her so she doesn't wanna hide anything from me and that she's been praying crying for someone like me to come along in her pain and struggles

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It is the best that you can do.

I have a feeling it will work out, I hope it does, insha'allah.

May Allah make it easy for you and you do what is best.

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Jazakallah to everyone who replied and special thanks to brother Hamza who went through the extra mile as always.

Jzk. Ameen

[Umm Abed]

Yea when I first heard the news it was heartbreaking to me as I couldn't do anything. As time went on tho I feel more forgiving. She tells me I mean a lot to her so she doesn't wanna hide anything from me and that she's been praying crying for someone like me to come along in her pain and struggles

I take this as more good news to your side that she is obviously regretful.

It is normal for you to feel like that but with time it could become easier until it doesnt bother you anymore. Im assuming you have done all the necessary research with family to see that she is a good woman after all.

[Stoic]

I take this as more good news to your side that she is obviously regretful.

It is normal for you to feel like that but with time it could become easier until it doesnt bother you anymore. Im assuming you have done all the necessary research with family to see that she is a good woman after all.

she is. And she has shown she's caring and considerate. The community knows has said nothing but good word about her. Its just because of her past she doesn't feel like she deserve it

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Its hard for to take compliments becuz of it

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum @Stoic

Zina is one of those sins that should be concealed if one truly repents and is ashamed. I don't think she should have even hinted towards having a secret and triggering your curiosity. However, it's already been done and the actual issue is not being able to trust her but rather how you will be able to handle what you know about her, because what you want to be able to handle and what you really are able to handle are two different things. You might be able to convince yourself it's easy now because you're not as attached, but later on it could really bother you. So ponder on it.

Secondly, I really ask that you look into her character. To say that "you are the one able to save her" is concerning because if she isn't someone who is already established properly on the deen after a failed marriage and committing such a great sin, I would steer away. Trust me, you don't want to have to take care of someone in that respect if they have not put enough effort to do it on their own first. She seems quite fragile and owned by her emotions. The way she is attached to you premaritally is odd to me after what she's gone through. Of course, I don't know her, but be wise in asking the right questions and figuring out who you are marrying. There's no need to rush anything if you aren't sure.

Now with all that being said, I do believe mistakes happen, and we are all human with weaknesses. The circumstances surrounding her sin is between her and Allah and if you can sincerely put that aside and forget about it like it never happened, and if she is sincerely regretful and a changed person, then I can't see why it wouldn't work out if you are both compatible in other aspects. Pray istikhara like you planned and may Allah lead you to what is best for you ameen.

[Stoic]

:sl:

Do you mean she committed fornication in the context of a pre-marital relationship? My brother many of us have pasts ourselves but when it comes to finding a spouse we expect her to be a near perfect chaste virgin. We have to think to ourselves have we ever committed fornication? Have we committed acts of Faahisha (lewd acts)? If not then I can understand.

Also my brother know that not many people would admit their past when it comes to marriage so the fact that she admitted it is a good sign. Also she has repented sincerely and regrets her past actions which again is a good sign. But as brother Patrick stated if you yourself have kept away from fornication and Faahisha then you have the right to expect the same. Also if you know that the thought of her with another man may affect your marriage then it is best to move on as shaythan can whisper evil thoughts and try and cause friction in the marriage.

However you should also consider that if you do move on and find a "virgin" with no past - which is not always guaranteed as many people both men and women lie about their past - then you may find a deficiency in their character or she may not be as practicing or other issues - which may cause bigger problems for you during marriage.

If you like this woman's piety, character and personality and think she will be a good wife for you then make isthikhara and ask of Allah to enable you to make the right decision then put your trust in Allah and whatever happens after that will be what is best for you.

Also a quick reminder to make sure you do not talk to her privately as we should always pursue marriage in a way that pleases Allah and keep away from private conversations which will enable shaythan to be third party to your interactions. We do not want to pollute our pursuit of marriage rather we want to have blessings and the help of Allah. So do your best to ensure that her Mahram, or if her Mahram is not available then your female relative is involved in any future conversations whether on the phone, online, via email and especially face to face.

May Allah do what is best for you with regards to finding a spouse for marriage. Ameen

Jazakallahu kair

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And jzk to everyone here

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Assalamu Alaikum
To say that "you are the one able to save her" .

Sorry she didn't say that. I was just saying that. I meant perhaps Allah has put me in a spot to help her

[Umm Abed]

she is. And she has shown she's caring and considerate. The community knows has said nothing but good word about her. Its just because of her past she doesn't feel like she deserve it

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Its hard for to take compliments becuz of it

Then alhamdulillah, everything seems good.

One more thing, she should not be overly hard on herself such as saying she doesnt deserve you or whatever, it can also be shaitan's trap to make a person feel down and lost, whereas Allah swt He forgives and you being there is a blessing, and to refuse is not something thats good.

There are many Qur'anic duas to read as form of repentance, and abundant istighfar. Allah will forgive.

[Stoic]

There are many Qur'anic duas to read as form of repentance

Can u post some?

[Umm Abed]

Can u post some?

بَّنَا ظَلَمْنَا أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمْ تَغْفِرْ لَنَا وَتَرْحَمْنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الْخَاسِرِينَ
Our Lord! We have wronged ourselves. If You do not forgive us, and not bestow upon us Your Mercy, we shall certainly be of the losers." -Surah al-A'raf.

لَّا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ
"There is none (worthy of worship) except You, Glorified are You. Truly I have been from the wrong-doers." - Surah Anbiya.

Also abundant istighfar.

[Hamza Asadullah]

I can understand if she said what she did if she was questioned, and as she has repented all should be good.

But what made her blurt out this statement, if I could put it that way?

So basically, this thread is not about having a past or not but the fact that she announced her sin without being asked, that is the worrying bit.

I would like your opinion @Hamza Asadullah .

:sl:

Out of the guilt of having had pre-marital relations then many people feel the need to reveal the truth to a potential partner before marriage. This is those people want to start afresh with the new partner without having any "secrets" because if it happens to be exposed someday by someone else during the marriage then this can potentially ruin the marriage.

So therefore many people feel the need to reveal it to the potential partner before marriage so there are no "surprises" later.

[Patrick84]

Brother Humza, interesting point, and I think Charisma also noted that zina should be concealed. This is something I disagree with - the psychological consequences for the "innocent" party (for want of a better term) can be disastrous, depending on their personality. I think this issue needs to be disclosed. I know it is a sensitive topic, but zina or adultery i.e. multiple se-xual encounters gives a risk of:

1. infertility
2. STDs
3. performance and expectation, which can lead to disappointment, which can lead to infidelity.

If it is not to be disclosed then how can we follow Allah's command of "an adulterer can only marry an adultress"?
Thoughts?

[Hamza Asadullah]

My thoughts on this are that if one had pre-Marital relations and the potential "does" ask before marriage then one should reveal "general" details about one having a past but that one has changed and repented since then without necessarily revealing intricate details. Then after that it is upto the person whether they want to pursue the marriage or not.

However having said that, it does not mean that the person who asks the potential such a question should have "double standards" in that if they have also committed zina then they should also reveal it if they ask the same question to the potential and they should not expect a "chaste virgin" if they themselves are not a "chaste virgin".

However if they do not ask such a question before marriage then they should certainly not ask after marriage as they had the opportunity to do so before marriage and revealing such details after marriage would potentially cause a lot of problems. I do understand then why many people do want to "clear" things before marriage takes place in order to avoid the possibility of such an issue coming up during Marriage.

However no one should be compelled to have to reveal such details if they do not want to and so maybe they should indicate whether or not the potential is concerned about the past or not. If they are concerned then they should establish whether or not it will be a problem during Marriage and if so then they should move on and find someone who is not concerned about ones past.

Many people do not ask about the past because they are concerned more with the present and the fact that the potential partner has piety and good character.l as at the end of the day that is what matters most. If all of us were so concerned about finding a chaste "perfect" virgin who has hardly sinned nor committed any acts of faahisha then hardly any of us could get married.

[Patrick84]

My thoughts on this are that if one had pre-Marital relations and the potential "does" ask before marriage then one should reveal "general" details about one having a past but that one has changed and repented since then without necessarily revealing intricate details. Then after that it is upto the person whether they want to pursue the marriage or not.

However having said that, it does not mean that the person who asks the potential such a question should have "double standards" in that if they have also committed zina then they should also reveal it if they ask the same question to the potential and they should not expect a "chaste virgin" if they themselves are not a "chaste virgin".

However if they do not ask such a question before marriage then they should certainly not ask after marriage as they had the opportunity to do so before marriage and revealing such details after marriage would potentially cause a lot of problems. I do understand then why many people do want to "clear" things before marriage takes place in order to avoid the possibility of such an issue coming up during Marriage.

However no one should be compelled to have to reveal such details if they do not want to and so maybe they should indicate whether or not the potential is concerned about the past or not. If they are concerned then they should establish whether or not it will be a problem during Marriage and if so then they should move on and find someone who is not concerned about ones past.

Many people do not ask about the past because they are concerned more with the present and the fact that the potential partner has piety and good character.l as at the end of the day that is what matters most. If all of us were so concerned about finding a chaste "perfect" virgin who has hardly sinned nor committed any acts of faahisha then hardly any of us could get married.

Thanks. Great response.

[Karl]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

If in doubt leave it out. That's my policy. How can you trust her? And don't worry about the crying (water works), females have the ability to cry at will. They may not be strong physically but they are masters of manipulation.

[sister herb]

And don't worry about the crying (water works), females have the ability to cry at will. They may not be strong physically but they are masters of manipulation.

There are still some people whose care about other person´s feelings. Everyone haven´t ability to do so but may Allah teach to them some humanity.

['Abd-al Latif]

so ill be the third person she sleeps with.

Oh no it's the end of the world.

I do wonder when our "conservative" Muslim community will live according to the Qur'an and sunnah. I don't even know what to say!

:facepalm:

Allah wants sins to be kept concealed, not discussed openly on a public forum!

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

What do you mean "you'll" forgive her? Has she wronged you? Can you forgive sins? She wants to start a marriage with you by being honest with you and you're thinking about "forgiving" her when she didn't even do anything wrong to you?

[Karl]

There are still some people whose care about other person´s feelings. Everyone haven´t ability to do so but may Allah teach to them some humanity.

You go girl!

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Oh no it's the end of the world.

I do wonder when our "conservative" Muslim community will live according to the Qur'an and sunnah. I don't even know what to say!

:facepalm:

Allah wants sins to be kept concealed, not discussed openly on a public forum!



What do you mean "you'll" forgive her? Has she wronged you? Can you forgive sins? She wants to start a marriage with you by being honest with you and you're thinking about "forgiving" her when she didn't even do anything wrong to you?

Islam hasn't gone feminist has it Doctor Phill?

['Abd-al Latif]

You go girl!

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Islam hasn't gone feminist has it Doctor Phill?

My dear bother in Islam, jazakAllah khayr for mentioning this. My intention wasn't to promote feminism but to highlight that the attitudes towards marriage are all wrong, as Islamic viewpoint is different to what has been discussed. I will elaborate shortly inshaa'Allah.

[Karl]

My dear bother in Islam, jazakAllah khayr for mentioning this. My intention wasn't to promote feminism but to highlight that the attitudes towards marriage are all wrong, as Islamic viewpoint is different to what has been discussed. I will elaborate shortly inshaa'Allah.

Very good, but I think it wise that he marries with a pure female without a dodgy history. He is only asking for advice and I ask Allah. Allah always gives me good advice but most are deaf to Him because of selfish intensions.

[sister herb]

You go girl!

A girl? ^o) Some manners there now if I may ask. No need to be unkindly if disagree with somebody. Or should I call you a sonny?

[Stoic]

Very good, but I think it wise that he marries with a pure female without a dodgy history. He is only asking for advice and I ask Allah. Allah always gives me good advice but most are deaf to Him because of selfish intensions.

this is coming off pretty mean to me. Sure I ask for advice that's what people do when they need help but I also been asking Allah by dua and istikhara. Forgive me If I'm reading ur post wrong

[Bhabha]

Why the heck are you telling the ENTIRE world about someone else's sins? If she has repented, don't disclose something she has disclosed to you only out of sincerity for possible marriage. I would suggest you actually remove information about your potential spouse from the internet, it's kind of sickening that you release her sins out to the world when she has repented and this should be between her and Allah only. :hmm:

[Supernova]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

Asalaamualaykum

That is her past. Its not your right to forgive her or not to forgive as she did not usurp any of your rights - you werent around that time !!!

On that note - I am sure you no saint yourself and have skeletons in the closet.

At least she told you that and was honest - Are you ready to open the doors of your closet ? She told you in the faith of receiving your understanding .......not your judgement !

Wasalaam.

['Abd-al Latif]

Very good, but I think it wise that he marries with a pure female without a dodgy history. He is only asking for advice and I ask Allah. Allah always gives me good advice but most are deaf to Him because of selfish intensions.

What's wise is asking for advice from those closest to the you rather than OP asking his question on the internet. Asking for such personal advice in this way seems insincere to me.

without a dodgy history

And do you have a perfect history? It is upon the sinner to seek forgiveness of Allah and for Allah to accept the repentance and forgive. Islamically when a person seeks forgiveness he or she has already taken the first step to make amends. Ibn Qayyim states that one should never mock someone else for a sin they have committed because it's possible that Allah could have forgiven that person and raised him or her in rank. My understanding is that judging someone for a past that they regret, especially after admitting that he or she regularly seeks Allah's forgiveness for their sin falls under the act of mockery.

I'm not taking anyone's side. It's most people's attitudes that I'm against.

Hence, I asked the question 'I do wonder when our "conservative" Muslim community will live according to the Qur'an and sunnah'

[Umm♥Layth]

LOL women have the ability to cry at will? Wow. LOOOOOL! If only it was easy to cry. For me, it takes ALOT, and I usually cry when I'm totally fed up and incredibly angry. I also cry when I see a suffering being, but at will? yeah right. You've watched too many soaps it looks like.

To the OP, I do find it a bit alarming that you think you can somehow save her. Don't make this mistake. I have seen many brothers, including my own husband (referring to the ex here ) make a decision like marrying somebody with a not so great history promising to be practicing and leaving sin behind them. They get tangled up in a terrible web because they want to help somehow. It ends up in a huge mess. You cannot go into a marriage believing you can somehow change or guide a person, That's Allah's work, not yours. . You can have the best thoughts of her and hope for the very best, but you must protect yourself and prepare for the worst.

DOnt make this decision out of guilt, pitty or any emotion. Do it if you are confident and sure it is what you want.

[Abz2000]

If the person has repented and wants to be obedient to Allah :swt: in future, then we must remember that even the sahaabah and sahaabiyaat commited faults in ignorance and before moving to the islamic state, but if the person is careless as to commiting major sins in future, there is good reason to be concerned because it may corrupt you too......

كتاب الفضائل

43 The Book of Virtues
(37)Chapter: Respecting Him And Not Asking Him Unnecessary Questions(37)

باب تَوْقِيرِهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَتَرْكِ إِكْثَارِ سُؤَالِهِ عَمَّا لاَ ضَرُورَةَ إِلَيْهِ أَوْ لاَ يَت

Anas b. Malik reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him stood when the sun had passed the meridian and he led them noon prayer and after observing salutations (completing the prayer) he stood upon the pulpit and talked about the Last Hour and made a mention of the important facts prior to it and then said:
He who desires to ask anything from me let him ask me about it. By Allah, I shall not move from this place so long as I do not inform you about that which you ask. Anas b. Malik said: People began to shed tears profusely when they heard this from Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said it repeatedly: "Ask me".
Thereupon 'Abdullah b. Hudhafa stood up and said: Allah's Messenger, who is my father?
He said: Your father is Hudhafa, and Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said repeatedly: Ask me, and (it was at this juncture that 'Umar knelt down and said): We are well pleased with Allah as our Lord, with Islam as our code of life and with Muhammad as the Messenger (of Allah). Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) kept quiet so long as 'Umar spoke.
Then Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: (The Doom) is near; by Him, in Whose Hand is the life of Muhammad, there was presented to me the Paradise and Hell in the nook of this enclosure, and I did not see good and evil like that of the present day.

Ibn Shihab reported: Ubaidullah b. 'Abdullah b. 'Utba told me that the mother of 'Abdullah b. Hudhafa told 'Abdullah b. Hudhafa:
I have never heard of a son more disobedient than you. Do you feel yourself immune from the fact that your mother committed a sin which the women in the pre-Islamic period committed and then you disgrace her in the eyes of the people?
'Abdullah b. Hudhafa said: If my fatherhood were to be attributed to a black slave I would have connected myself with him.

وَحَدَّثَنِي حَرْمَلَةُ بْنُ يَحْيَى بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ حَرْمَلَةَ بْنِ عِمْرَانَ التُّجِيبِيُّ، أَخْبَرَنَا ابْنُ، وَهْبٍ أَخْبَرَنِي يُونُسُ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَنَسُ بْنُ مَالِكٍ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم خَرَجَ حِينَ زَاغَتِ الشَّمْسُ فَصَلَّى لَهُمْ صَلاَةَ الظُّهْرِ فَلَمَّا سَلَّمَ قَامَ عَلَى الْمِنْبَرِ فَذَكَرَ السَّاعَةَ وَذَكَرَ أَنَّ قَبْلَهَا أُمُورًا عِظَامًا ثُمَّ قَالَ ‏"‏ مَنْ أَحَبَّ أَنْ يَسْأَلَنِي عَنْ شَىْءٍ فَلْيَسْأَلْنِي عَنْهُ فَوَاللَّهِ لاَ تَسْأَلُونَنِي عَنْ شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ أَخْبَرْتُكُمْ بِهِ مَا دُمْتُ فِي مَقَامِي هَذَا ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ أَنَسُ بْنُ مَالِكٍ فَأَكْثَرَ النَّاسُ الْبُكَاءَ حِينَ سَمِعُوا ذَلِكَ مِنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَأَكْثَرَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم أَنْ يَقُولَ ‏"‏ سَلُونِي ‏"‏ ‏.‏ فَقَامَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ حُذَافَةَ فَقَالَ مَنْ أَبِي يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ قَالَ ‏"‏ أَبُوكَ حُذَافَةُ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ فَلَمَّا أَكْثَرَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم مِنْ أَنْ يَقُولَ ‏"‏ سَلُونِي ‏"‏ ‏.‏ بَرَكَ عُمَرُ فَقَالَ رَضِينَا بِاللَّهِ رَبًّا وَبِالإِسْلاَمِ دِينًا وَبِمُحَمَّدٍ رَسُولاً - قَالَ - فَسَكَتَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم حِينَ قَالَ عُمَرُ ذَلِكَ ثُمَّ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ أَوْلَى وَالَّذِي نَفْسُ مُحَمَّدٍ بِيَدِهِ لَقَدْ عُرِضَتْ عَلَىَّ الْجَنَّةُ وَالنَّارُ آنِفًا فِي عُرْضِ هَذَا الْحَائِطِ فَلَمْ أَرَ كَالْيَوْمِ فِي الْخَيْرِ وَالشَّرِّ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ ابْنُ شِهَابٍ أَخْبَرَنِي عُبَيْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عُتْبَةَ قَالَ قَالَتْ أُمُّ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ حُذَافَةَ لِعَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ حُذَافَةَ مَا سَمِعْتُ بِابْنٍ قَطُّ أَعَقَّ مِنْكَ أَأَمِنْتَ أَنْ تَكُونَ أُمُّكَ قَدْ قَارَفَتْ بَعْضَ مَا تُقَارِفُ نِسَاءُ أَهْلِ الْجَاهِلِيَّةِ فَتَفْضَحَهَا عَلَى أَعْيُنِ النَّاسِ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ حُذَافَةَ وَاللَّهِ لَوْ أَلْحَقَنِي بِعَبْدٍ أَسْوَدَ لَلَحِقْتُهُ ‏.‏

Reference : Sahih Muslim 2359 c
In-book reference : Book 43, Hadith 179
USC-MSA web (English) reference : Book 30, Hadith 5825


https://sunnah.com/muslim/43/179



كتاب الدعوات 80 Invocations
(35)Chapter: To seek refuge with Allah from Al-Fitan(35)باب التَّعَوُّذِ مِنَ الْفِتَنِ

Narrated Anas:
Once the people started asking Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) questions, and they asked so many questions that he became angry and ascended the pulpit and said, "I will answer whatever questions you may ask me today."
I looked right and left and saw everyone covering his face with his garment and weeping. Behold ! There was a man who, on quarreling with the people, used to be called as a son of a person other than his father. He said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! Who is my father?" The Prophet (ﷺ) replied, "Your father is Hudhaifa."
And then `Umar got up and said, "We accept Allah as our Lord, and Islam as (our) religion, and Muhammad as (the) messenger; and we seek refuge with Allah from the afflictions."
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, " I have never seen a day like today in its good and its evil for Paradise and the Hell Fire were displayed in front of me, till I saw them just beyond this wall."

Qatada, when relating this Hadith, used to mention the following Verse:-- 'O you who believe! Ask not questions about things which, If made plain to you, May cause you trouble. (5.101)

حَدَّثَنَا حَفْصُ بْنُ عُمَرَ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامٌ، عَنْ قَتَادَةَ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه سَأَلُوا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم حَتَّى أَحْفَوْهُ الْمَسْأَلَةَ فَغَضِبَ فَصَعِدَ الْمِنْبَرَ فَقَالَ ‏"‏ لاَ تَسْأَلُونِي الْيَوْمَ عَنْ شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ بَيَّنْتُهُ لَكُمْ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَجَعَلْتُ أَنْظُرُ يَمِينًا وَشِمَالاً، فَإِذَا كُلُّ رَجُلٍ لاَفٌّ رَأْسَهُ فِي ثَوْبِهِ يَبْكِي، فَإِذَا رَجُلٌ كَانَ إِذَا لاَحَى الرِّجَالَ يُدْعَى لِغَيْرِ أَبِيهِ فَقَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ مَنْ أَبِي قَالَ ‏"‏ حُذَافَةُ ‏"‏، ثُمَّ أَنْشَأَ عُمَرُ فَقَالَ رَضِينَا بِاللَّهِ رَبًّا، وَبِالإِسْلاَمِ دِينًا، وَبِمُحَمَّدٍ صلى الله عليه وسلم رَسُولاً، نَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الْفِتَنِ‏.‏ فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ مَا رَأَيْتُ فِي الْخَيْرِ وَالشَّرِّ كَالْيَوْمِ قَطُّ، إِنَّهُ صُوِّرَتْ لِي الْجَنَّةُ وَالنَّارُ حَتَّى رَأَيْتُهُمَا وَرَاءَ الْحَائِطِ ‏"‏‏.‏ وَكَانَ قَتَادَةُ يَذْكُرُ عِنْدَ الْحَدِيثِ هَذِهِ الآيَةَ ‏{‏يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لاَ تَسْأَلُوا عَنْ أَشْيَاءَ إِنْ تُبْدَ لَكُمْ تَسُؤْكُمْ‏}‏‏.‏

Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 6362
In-book reference : Book 80, Hadith 59
USC-MSA web (English) reference : Vol. 8, Book 75, Hadith 373
(deprecated numbering scheme)

https://www.sunnah.com/bukhari/80/59

sunnah.com/bukhari/80/59[/url]

[Karl]

My dear bother in Islam, jazakAllah khayr for mentioning this. My intention wasn't to promote feminism but to highlight that the attitudes towards marriage are all wrong, as Islamic viewpoint is different to what has been discussed. I will elaborate shortly inshaa'Allah.

Only joking. Sorry if I offended you.

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A girl? ^o) Some manners there now if I may ask. No need to be unkindly if disagree with somebody. Or should I call you a sonny?

Only joking. "You go girl" is an American feminist catch cry of support. Sorry if I offended you.

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this is coming off pretty mean to me. Sure I ask for advice that's what people do when they need help but I also been asking Allah by dua and istikhara. Forgive me If I'm reading ur post wrong

Have you received enlightenment from Allah about marrying her? I didn't mean to offend but it is traditional to marry a young virgin.

[sister herb]

Only joking. "You go girl" is an American feminist catch cry of support. Sorry if I offended you.

Apology accepted. But note I didn´t cry support for the feminist purposes but for understanding other people better and for increasing respecting of others. Plus I am not American feminist.

[Umm♥Layth]

If the person has repented and wants to be obedient to Allah :swt: in future, then we must remember that even the sahaabah and sahaabiyaat commited faults in ignorance and before moving to the islamic state, but if the person is careless as to commiting major sins in future, there is good reason to be concerned

When it comes to MARRIAGE it is not the same thing or so black and white. This is why I advised to look for consistency. Most of us have made mistakes, some people make super major mistakes some minor and that's fine, so long as they repent and give up those ways. However, many people revert back within a few years span and some behaviors will always remain.

Again, this is marriage we are talking about not just a friend who may corrupt you. Kids are involved, finances are involved, life plans are involved. I have seen people completely ruined by giving a so called changed person a chance. They didn't look at history, consistency, they didn't check reputation in the community. I know there is only so much we can do and you never really know what you are going to get until you are already in it.

It's called tying your camel. We cannot be so naive to just hear a person's story (usually some sob story about why they so desperately need a spouse, which usually comes with some guilt like of "I can't do it without you" or "I need someone like you in my life") get to know them a bit, (considering people show each other their best while courting) and that's somehow enough.

I certainly am not the person I was when I first became Muslim, I'm not even the person I was when my first marriage ended, but when I got remarried I had a long history of consistency,Alhamdullilah and that is what was most important to my husband due to his previous experience.

As for me, I actually I grilled my now husband as hard as I could. I took him on as one of my clients and put him through some very rigorous testing, made him change his entire lifestyle to see if he met up with his representation of himself. I didn't allow it to become an emotional relationship (Alhamdullilah) as I didn't want that to blind me into making another big mistake like I did the first time around.

Also kids, if she has a child, you better be prepared to accept and love that child individually from his/her mother. There will be days when you don't like your wife very much, and you still have to show love and affection towards the child. If the mother does you wrong in any way shape or form, you still have to keep it together for the child. Step parenting is harder than regular parenting by far.

Bottom line is, make a confident decision and don't be naive. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and commit sins, but just because Allah forgives doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to accept something you are not comfortable with and influences you don't want in your life. We are no longer in the times of the sahaba when people had a real fear of transgression and changed permanently. We are in a time where imaan is weak and we quickly forget our goals and reasons why we changed to begin with. The number of sisters I've seen go from wild, to conservative and practicing back to wild again is scary. Their faith isn't firm. The kids get mixed messages and are raised in confusion. This is a very very real possibility and you need to prepare yourself for that.

All the best akhi, I only got involve din this thread because it hits home in several ways.

May Allah protect us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen!