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xa_xa_ft
07-24-2017, 07:37 PM
Hi

I am new here so not so sure if there is already a thread on this topic.

I am hoping all you wonderful people can help me.

I really want to get married but i just don't seem to be liking any of the proposals. Please dont ask me why i am not liking them i dont know myself. All i know that is when i like someone my heart will want to be with that person if that makes
sense.

i am of age 29 now and its getting abit stressful. i always pray to Allah to help me get married but its not happening.

Im not sure what to do. sometimes i have thoughts like what if it never happens??

All my friends are married now and im still single.

I am going to start to pray tahujjud please advice me what else i could do /try.
Reply

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ardianto
07-24-2017, 10:35 PM
Assalamualaikum

The important thing about love and marriage that I've learned since I was young is, getting spouse is different than buying t-shirt. If I want to buy t-shirt I could go to clothes shop, choose the t-shirt that I want, pay, and t-shirt then belong to me. But if I want to get married?. I might be interested to marry someone. But if this person was not interested to marry me, then how could I marry her?.

So,rather than thought I should get the woman that I want, I prepared myself to be able to accept a woman who interested to marry me. Yes, rather than I would never get married. Alhamdulillah, later I got married although now my beloved wife has passed away.

Sister, seem like you are waiting for a man who really matched with your expectation. I understand. But how if the man you really expect never come to you?. Will you let yourself stay single for the rest of your life?.

It's better if learn to be able to accept someone although this person does not really matched with your expectation.

:)
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*charisma*
07-24-2017, 11:14 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
Please dont ask me why i am not liking them i dont know myself. All i know that is when i like someone my heart will want to be with that person if that makes
sense.
Well that's your issue. IF you don't know why you don't like them, then how do you expect us to figure out how you will get married? You have to give them a chance at least. Love doesn't happen at first sight as you expect. Yes, there may be some individuals where you feel more comfortable being around, but that also doesn't mean that they are the right person for you either. You should be meeting with them, figuring out their character, and praying istikhara asking Allah for guidance. That's how it should go. It's not meant to be a fairytale where you magically get feelings for someone you don't know.
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noor grant
07-24-2017, 11:25 PM
Assalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
Good for you for being able to discern when someone is not right for you and walk away from them.
I think you should take solace in the fact that you know what you want and will not settle for anyone.
When it is the right time then Allah subhana hu wa ta'ala will send your man in the most perfect way. So take care of yourself now and learn to enjoy your life as it is.
Life is not long and goes by fast especially after you marry, and start to develop a family and all that goes into that.
You will find someone I am sure and you are still young!! don't let negative talk affect your mood. Just stay happy and positive.
I recommend the good book about love and finding your soulmate
The book is called: Finding true love By daphne rose kingma
I have a copy that I finished and if you permit me to send it to you I will. I have been waiting to pass it along to someone who will appreciate the wisdom in it and use it right.
fi sabilillah
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azc
07-25-2017, 09:11 AM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
Hi I am new here so not so sure if there is already a thread on this topic.I am hoping all you wonderful people can help me.I really want to get married but i just don't seem to be liking any of the proposals. Please dont ask me why i am not liking them i dont know myself. All i know that is when i like someone my heart will want to be with that person if that makes sense.i am of age 29 now and its getting abit stressful. i always pray to Allah to help me get married but its not happening.Im not sure what to do. sometimes i have thoughts like what if it never happens??All my friends are married now and im still single.I am going to start to pray tahujjud please advice me what else i could do /try.
Perform istikhara when you get any proposal now , and then do accordingly
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xa_xa_ft
07-25-2017, 12:49 PM
How does Isthikhara work ? If you perform it does that mean if its not good for you it will not happen?
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Bhabha
07-25-2017, 02:11 PM
Lol at leas you're getting proposals. ;D
Reply

xa_xa_ft
07-25-2017, 05:41 PM
Originally Posted by Bhabha
Lol at leas you're getting proposals. ;D


lol im not sure if thats a good thing or not i feel worse for saying no - i am not sure what my heart is looking for but i pray it comes soon.
Reply

Bhabha
07-25-2017, 05:46 PM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
lol im not sure if thats a good thing or not i feel worse for saying no - i am not sure what my heart is looking for but i pray it comes soon.
Just chill, women are getting married later on in life, we're becoming more financially independent.

Things come when Allah wants them to come. Even though someone said here that you keep rejecting guys because you don't like them, and that it's better to get married than to be single... I'd disagree, I'd rather be single, then badly accompanied.

Just have faith and enjoy life right now, do the things you want to do, learn a new language, get involved in a sport, learn how to make awesome dishes, read tons of books, walk in the beach and enjoy your time with your parents, your siblings, your friends. Don't just sit there worrying about marriage.
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xa_xa_ft
07-25-2017, 06:07 PM
@Bhabha - i guess your right me worrying isnt going to bring me a spouse. i guess it will happen when Allah wills for it.
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STN
07-25-2017, 06:10 PM
You should think to yourself if you have unreasonably high expectations, you know from watching too many romantic movies/tv shows or love stories. They're simple dramatization and reality is quite different but of course we are made to think otherwise =) This thing about heart wanting to be with someone is movies crap, if you find a partner who you are attracted to and think you can live with and is a good Muslim, that's the best you can do. In fact, you should look for someone who is a good Muslim because he will know your rights and will treat you right if he fears Allah.

And as a guy i can tell you no man wants to marry an older woman unless he is old himself even then he doesn't want to =) . So know this too, i don't know where you're from but the culture everywhere is same for men and women.
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Bhabha
07-25-2017, 06:15 PM
Originally Posted by STN
You should think to yourself if you have unreasonably high expectations, you know from watching too many romantic movies/tv shows or love stories. They're simple dramatization and reality is quite different but of course we are made to think otherwise =) This thing about heart wanting to be with someone is movies crap, if you find a partner who you are attracted to and think you can live with and is a good Muslim, that's the best you can do. In fact, you should look for someone who is a good Muslim because he will know your rights and will treat you right if he fears Allah.

And as a guy i can tell you no man wants to marry an older woman unless he is old himself even then he doesn't want to =) . So know this too, i don't know where you're from but the culture everywhere is same for men and women.
Lol.

Really, so I guess our Prophet and Khadija isn't really something to be aspiring for?
@xa_xa_ft don't listen to STN. Allah will send you someone, doesn't matter the age who will cherish you. I've seen plenty of older women with younger guys, who love and cherish them. It's not all about the "older" guy and the "younger" girl, that narrative is also something continually played in Hollywood films. ;) Real life is different.
Reply

azc
07-25-2017, 06:30 PM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
How does Isthikhara work ? If you perform it does that mean if its not good for you it will not happen?
http://daruliftabirmingham.co.uk/sig...eing-accepted/
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xa_xa_ft
07-25-2017, 07:07 PM
lol - look im not saying i want to fallin love and violins to be playing i just want to be with someonethat i am attracted to and when i see him feel happy!

not someone that i think ok he ticks all the boxes and crap im 29 so let me marry him.


i think girls are lucky who marry their childhood friends etc - wish i had a friend whom i could marry with lol


@SNT in life we never get what ALLAH hasnt willed for us and im sure my lord has written my spouse.
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Bhabha
07-25-2017, 07:15 PM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
lol - look im not saying i want to fallin love and violins to be playing i just want to be with someonethat i am attracted to and when i see him feel happy!

not someone that i think ok he ticks all the boxes and crap im 29 so let me marry him.


i think girls are lucky who marry their childhood friends etc - wish i had a friend whom i could marry with lol


@SNT in life we never get what ALLAH hasnt willed for us and im sure my lord has written my spouse.
Exactly sister. You will get the person Allah has willed for you, at the time it was written. :)
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STN
07-25-2017, 08:32 PM
No, i didn't mean it like that. Of course what is your fate and Allah has willed, will happen.

I was just saying to be realistic because that's something we don't do when it comes to marriage and have these huge expectations.

I am sorry you thought of my message in a wrong way and were offended. I am 28 and am marrying a girl inshaAllah who is as old as me or maybe a year older ( i don't know yet, you know women, not keen on telling age =) ) so that's not what i meant. I was speaking more generally about men wanting younger girls.
Reply

xa_xa_ft
07-25-2017, 09:13 PM
I understand STN. I was offended by your previous post or anything. I agree about being realistic but i also believe in fate.

I loved this man when i was 24 sooooooo much (words fall short to explain how much) i tried everything to make him happy and be mine he was my friend my world my everything. He left me and married another woman and when askd why he didnt want to marry me he never gave a reason - my point of teelling you this is no matter how hard i try and wish etc to be witn someone or marrried its not gona happen till allah hasnt willed it.

For example that guy whom i so badly wanted was meant for another woman and was part of her journey not mine.

Life - sigh - just gota have faith
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xa_xa_ft
07-25-2017, 09:18 PM
Wasnt offended**
Reply

STN
07-25-2017, 09:29 PM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
I understand STN. I was offended by your previous post or anything. I agree about being realistic but i also believe in fate.

I loved this man when i was 24 sooooooo much (words fall short to explain how much) i tried everything to make him happy and be mine he was my friend my world my everything. He left me and married another woman and when askd why he didnt want to marry me he never gave a reason - my point of teelling you this is no matter how hard i try and wish etc to be witn someone or marrried its not gona happen till allah hasnt willed it.

For example that guy whom i so badly wanted was meant for another woman and was part of her journey not mine.

Life - sigh - just gota have faith
So true!.

When i was in my teens in high school, there was this girl who liked me, really liked me and i could tell this from a lot of things that happened in the years that we studied together and even after that but i was kind of indifferent to her feelings as she wasn't the most beautiful in our class and i thought i could do better in life (i also liked another girl who was much better looking).

Well now that i've gotten smart a little and have actually experienced the world, i realize that beauty isn't the only thing that matters. Had i been married to her and reciprocated in the same way, surely i would have been saved from a lot of the fitnah (May Allah forgive me).

But then no doubt we get what is written in our fate. InshaAllah, my wife to be will be better for me.

May Allah give us what our heart desires and give us guidance!.
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xa_xa_ft
07-25-2017, 09:38 PM
Yes, i have grown up to realise alot of things - one which is life!

In life when you make mistakes Allah shows you them in this life if your lucky.

When you find someone that loves you you shouldnt let them pass you by...

None the less Im sure my friend whom i loved so much also realised this... or maybe he didnt. Who knws. Who cares.

And yes may allah give us better than what our hearts desire. Ameen.
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Zzz_
07-26-2017, 02:29 AM
Lot of people put things to fate and say it was meant to be. You also have to realize is fate alone is not directing your life's path. Fate can be changed by dua, evil eye and magic. So if you are giving it your 110% and still not seeing things going your way, maybe it's your fate but rather someone messing with your fate. One has to learn their deen in these matters as it is more widespread then you would think.

As for the advice of you are still young so don't worry about it, well that depends. If you are a convert then that's fine. but if you are from back home culture then and plan to marry within your ethnicity then know that the older you get the harder it becomes to get married. These are realities of life to keep in mind.
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
07-26-2017, 03:55 AM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
Hi

I am new here so not so sure if there is already a thread on this topic.

I am hoping all you wonderful people can help me.

I really want to get married but i just don't seem to be liking any of the proposals. Please dont ask me why i am not liking them i dont know myself. All i know that is when i like someone my heart will want to be with that person if that makes
sense.

i am of age 29 now and its getting abit stressful. i always pray to Allah to help me get married but its not happening.

Im not sure what to do. sometimes i have thoughts like what if it never happens??

All my friends are married now and im still single.

I am going to start to pray tahujjud please advice me what else i could do /try.
:sl:

I think a lot of people think that before marriage but know that such thoughts are from shaythan who wants to make you lose hope. Know that Allah is the match maker. For some it may take weeks, others months and for some years until they find the person meant for them. As long as you are making the required effort, exploring the relevant avenues in looking for a partner in the right way and manner within the boundaries of Islam. Then make much Dua to Allah, particularly in the latter part of the night at Tahajjud time and patiently persevere by putting your trust and reliance in him and know that he will do what is best for you when the time is right inshAllah.

May Allah give you a good pious partner. Ameen
Reply

FinalNyc
07-26-2017, 06:03 AM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
Hi

I am new here so not so sure if there is already a thread on this topic.

I am hoping all you wonderful people can help me.

I really want to get married but i just don't seem to be liking any of the proposals. Please dont ask me why i am not liking them i dont know myself. All i know that is when i like someone my heart will want to be with that person if that makes
sense.

i am of age 29 now and its getting abit stressful. i always pray to Allah to help me get married but its not happening.

Im not sure what to do. sometimes i have thoughts like what if it never happens??

All my friends are married now and im still single.

I am going to start to pray tahujjud please advice me what else i could do /try.
I think you should not rush on things like marriage, maybe Allah has a better plan for you.
Reply

Bhabha
07-26-2017, 01:53 PM
Who needs guys now a days anyways.

You can also "adopt" children, give orphans a home and love them.

When I mean "adopt"; I mean without changing their names of course, but taking care of children like your own children with love, if you are worried about not being able to have children in the future due to lack of husband.

I know a lot of people will shun me for saying that, but why just remain single when you can help a child out and in turn have a great companion that will care for you in your old age as well :)
Reply

xa_xa_ft
07-27-2017, 09:39 PM
On another note ... completely off topic do you think the man that broke my heart previously will ever realise how much pain he caused me? What i mean is that sometimes i wonder how hes doing.. if hes happy. Life is strange.
Reply

MuslimInshallah
07-29-2017, 04:27 PM
Assalaamu alaikum XaXa, my dear,

(gently) I wonder whether the reason you can't quite find it in your heart to accept a proposal, is because your heart is still taken with the young man you have mentioned?

May God, the Opener, Make the way clearer for you.
Reply

xa_xa_ft
07-29-2017, 04:53 PM
No i dont have any space in my heart for that person anymore but i just hope hes sorry for hurting me.
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xa_xa_ft
07-29-2017, 04:59 PM
One day he will be in sha allah
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MuslimInshallah
07-29-2017, 05:18 PM
Assalaamu alaikum, my dear,

(gently) Whether you desire a person, or whether you are angry with that person... your heart is still taken with him. (gently) I do not know what he did to you (and it might be very terrible), but it seems to me that unless you can let go of him, you will be stuck.

May God Bless you with His healing Mercy.
Reply

xa_xa_ft
07-29-2017, 05:45 PM
I will happily marry another man and move on. Its not easy to forgive someone whom broke your heart. I hope that the pain i went through this man realises
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xa_xa_ft
07-29-2017, 05:46 PM
Thats all
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xa_xa_ft
07-29-2017, 07:14 PM
Thats all
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ardianto
07-29-2017, 07:50 PM
The only thing that can make a man regret for hurting and leaving the woman who ever loved him is, ..... if he saw this woman happy with the new man and no longer keep memories with him.
Reply

soulforAllah
08-06-2017, 06:50 PM
Sister we are on the same boat. I am looking to get married with no success for no obvious reason. Just keep praying to Allah, Allah surely has better plans for us.:statisfie
And about the man who hurt you, he will realize it if not in this life then of course in the hereafter. But the secret of getting solace is forgiveness. Once you forgive your heart will be relieved from the burden in shaa Allah.
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xa_xa_ft
08-06-2017, 07:19 PM
I dont have any bad feeligs in my heart for him all i hope is he realises i mean i deserve that much dont i ... surely ones love should be acknoledged i didnt have a haram relationship i just wanted to marry him and love and care for him. I dont think he will realise unless allah makes him realise
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soulforAllah
08-07-2017, 06:03 AM
Even if he already realized it then there's no way for you to know. So, just be rest assured that he hurt you so he will come to its realization.
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Eric H
08-07-2017, 11:06 AM
Greetings and peace be with you xa_xa_ft;

Its not easy to forgive someone whom broke your heart. I hope that the pain i went through this man realises
Just a thought, I wonder how those men are feeling that you turned down? Are their hearts broken?

Sometimes it is easier to forgive someone, in the hope that we also can be forgiven.

In the spirit of praying to a just and merciful God.

Eric
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xa_xa_ft
08-07-2017, 11:08 AM
I didnt lead them on and then dump them 3 months before my marriage ! There is a big difference in rejecting and breaking a heart.
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Eric H
08-07-2017, 01:46 PM
Greetings and peace be with you xa_xa_ft;

I didnt lead them on and then dump them 3 months before my marriage ! There is a big difference in rejecting and breaking a heart.
I understand there are differences, but from a man's perception, it takes a lot of courage to propose, and involve families in the decision. I have read stories here from men who have been turned down, they can seem like emotional wrecks after.

My reply was not intended to compare who suffers the most, but rather as a means of trying to find ways to forgive your ex from the heart. He is probably oblivious of the pain he has caused you, he probably had no intentions of hurting you, but like you, he could just have had second thoughts, without knowing why.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but am saying this in the hope you might be able to forgive him totally and move on.

soulforAllah summed it up well when she said - But the secret of getting solace is forgiveness. Once you forgive your heart will be relieved from the burden in shaa Allah.

In the spirit of praying to a just and merciful God,
Eric
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xa_xa_ft
08-07-2017, 01:50 PM
I have forgiven but i can not forget and thats a big difference.
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Eric H
08-07-2017, 02:44 PM
Greetings and peace be with you xa_xa_ft;

I have forgiven but i can not forget and thats a big difference.
You are right, you can never forget. But what you can learn to forget is the hurt and anger this has caused you. The person who angers you controls your mind and thoughts, they could be a thousand miles away or even dead, but they have this little remote control, and they push your buttons. The only person who should be in control of the peace that should be inside your head is you.

I have been on a journey of forgiveness for the last six years. I believe I was unfairly sacked from a job I had been doing for ten years. I never had a day of sick, I did a lot of the jobs other people seemed afraid to do, caring for people with challenging behaviour.

Even to this day I think it was unfair, but I feel it is better to forgive and strive to overcome any anger I have for them. So, to help me overcome my anger, I have done about fifteen hundred hours of voluntary work for the people who sacked me.

I shall be going back again on Friday to do another five, in December I will voluntarily take a couple of the guys on holiday for a week. At minimum wages I have probably given them about £10,000 of my time. Every now and then, I come into contact with the people responsible for my sacking.

People say I am mad, I should have sued for compensation, and I agree with them. But I cannot explain the profound sense of peace that I feel, it is beyond money. I don't have the time or the energy to waste on feeling angry.

In the spirit of praying to a just and merciful God,
Eric
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xa_xa_ft
08-07-2017, 08:25 PM
Well sometimes you habe to do what makes you happy. So if workig for them is helping you and making you happy then good on you. As for me i forgive him completely i dont think about him everyday, weeks, months not quiet years yet. However, if karma bites him in the ass i will be happy why should i lie. If karma doesnt then thats between him and his lord not me. Will i forget - no chance.
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Umm♥Layth
08-08-2017, 01:47 AM
Originally Posted by xa_xa_ft
I dont have any bad feeligs in my heart for him all i hope is he realises i mean i deserve that much dont i ... surely ones love should be acknoledged i didnt have a haram relationship i just wanted to marry him and love and care for him. I dont think he will realise unless allah makes him realise
You are still holding on to a grudge. It is not easy to fully forgive a person, I understand that. Just remember that forgiving means completely letting go and you do it for yourself, not as a favor to that person.

I have been deeply hurt and not just once. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I know now that what happened was best for me, Alhamdullilah. Do things come back around? I believe so yes. Not in the way YOU think and the person may not suffer what they made you suffer and they may NEVER EVER realize how much they hurt you or that their current pain has anything to do with you or what they did to you, but rest assured that Allah is just. Either here or in the hereafter, nothing goes unnoticed by the almighty.

You have to believe it and you have to trust in the process :)
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soulforAllah
08-10-2017, 10:56 AM
Thank you for your message. I understand how deeply you are hurt. I know it is very difficult to accept rejection :(
May Allah ease both of our pain and grant us good husbands in shaa Allah. Once we find our husbands in shaa Allah all these sadness will go away. Let's keep praying.

Thank you for your message again! Let's be friends? :D I am sorry I couldn't reply as I am not a full member yet :( so I am posting here.
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Shahi
08-13-2017, 05:01 AM
Friend there is a problem with some people from inner and outer thoughts.
Inner is your mind and outer is from another soul. If you have a problem with inner side it is possible to make it right. If you are mentally effected with something it can be changed with your own thoughts. So, try it. If you have a dream about your future husband/wife if you are not getting c proposal from the person you dream about. You have to do is,accept the person who is mostly matched with your dream spouse.
Very important thing is you should care about their iman and habits,qualities and ahlaq when selecting. If you marry a person with healthy mind and iman is the best way to live a wonderful life.

And there is an outer problem if you reject every proposal you get. That is a jinn. If a person possessed by a jinn they will not like marriage. Secretly jinn will whishper to your mind that you dnt like the person. So you should try to marry very quickly to prevent such problems!!
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xa_xa_ft
08-28-2017, 09:39 PM
I dont want to take a proposal because i need to get married ... i want to spend my life with someone that i like and want to be around. In Sha Allah i will meet that person one day. When Allah wills.
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