Need genuine advice on marriage

[minhajmd20]

Assalam alaikum!

Please let me know if it's okay to marry this girl who would go to office, doesn't know cooking and hence would provide lil support to my sick mom. I like this from office and are close now. I told my mom that I like this girl and even though my mom doesn't like this match she still agreed considering my happiness.

I'm in dilemma now, please let me know if I should go ahead with this match or not. Our families are going to be involved soon. Please advise at the earliest.

Jazak Allah khair!

[azc]

Assalam alaikum! Please let me know if it's okay to marry this girl who would go to office, doesn't know cooking and hence would provide lil support to my sick mom. I like this from office and are close now. I told my mom that I like this girl and even though my mom doesn't like this match she still agreed considering my happiness. I'm in dilemma now, please let me know if I should go ahead with this match or not. Our families are going to be involved soon. Please advise at the earliest. Jazak Allah khair!

:wa: see another girl who can cook as well as take care of your mother (at least, in your absence.)

[Bhabha]

Do you want a wife, or a maid / personal support worker?

[azc]

Do you want a wife, or a maid / personal support worker?

if you work for your own mother or support her then you consider yourself as her maid or support worker....? A noble lady always considers her mother in law as her mother

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[Bhabha]

if you work for your own mother or support her then you consider yourself as her maid or support worker....? A noble lady always considers her mother in law as her mother

My mother doesn't want me looking after her, she'd rather have a maid / maids to help her around the house.

^o) Why should a husband's mother be any different?

[xa_xa_ft]

@minhajmd20 - Hi can i please ask you something is your thinking really backwards? you need someone to look after your sick mother?? Whats wrong with you? Why cant you look after your sick mother?

where does it say in islam your wife has to look after her spouses sick mother?

NO MATTER WHO YOU MARRY PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOUR OWN MOTHER AND DONT PASS THE RESPONSIBILITY TO SOMEONE ELSE.

please dont be offended by my post im not being rude i just dont understand why you would think like this.

[azc]

My mother doesn't want me looking after her, she'd rather have a maid / maids to help her around the house. ^o) Why should a husband's mother be any different?

Whether or not your mother wants you to look after her when she is sick, isn't the issue, the issue is what's your duty as a daughter.

[keiv]

You say you and the girl are close. What does she think about your concerns regarding your mom?

[Bhabha]

Whether or not your mother wants you to look after her when she is sick, isn't the issue, the issue is what's your duty as a daughter.

My responsibility is not towards my spouse's mother. ^o)
It's towards my own mother and her preference is to be cared and helped by a maid.
My duty as a daughter is to ensure my mother is cared for, the way she wants to be cared for.

I would not pass the care to my mother to my spouse, it's not his responsibility. To help the spouse with the financial obligations that would ensure his mother is taken care of, is a different thing, for that I don't mind. But why put the onus on having the woman take care of her husband's mother? Is this what it means to be a woman in Islam? To be automatically burdened with the "duty" of a "daughter" idea. Sorry but my spouse's mother is NOT my mother, she's my mother in law and my mother comes before his mother :)

[Umm♥Layth]

OP, you will have to prioritize and think of what is most important to you. If you want a working woman who work all day, which is fine, you will have to find another way to have your mother taken care of and somebody else to prep food. You can find somebody who is happy staying home, but you'll have to provide a comfortable lifestyle. That's just how it is. The options are there, but you ultimately have to decide what is most important to you :)

For others giving OP a hard time, the culture you were raised in matters. I would never allow a maid to bathe and feed my mother if I could help it. Once my mother is unable to look after herself, I will do it, insha'Allah. I would do the same for my mother in law as she has no daughters of her own. If either of them wanted the help of a maid instead, that is fine :) but it wouldn't be a first choice and knowing my mom, she'd have her limits with a maid :)

I can't imagine having a daughter in law who would wash her hands of me because I'm not her mother. That would hurt quite a bit.

My grandmother still has her mother in law (My great grandmother) and when they are together, even though they are both old, my grandmother still serves her mother in law. It is a way to show love and respect.

I don't think the OP is looking for a maid. He is looking for a woman who is considerate and will offer help on her own. Women like this exist :) and we are not maids, doormats or incompetent. We have businesses, jobs and whatnot, but we prioritize family and supporting our loved ones.

For those of you saying "Oh you should take on the responsibility, why are you backwards?" I'm sure you'll also say "It is your responsibility to provide for the household and support everyone financially." So then, how does a man who works full time to provide for his family able to also care for his mother when he is away working? Who will support him in supporting his mother? ^o) If he were to hire a maid, he would need somebody to supervise the made so his mother doesn't end up hurt or abused!

Everyone has high opinions aye?

[Bhabha]

What I mean to say @UmmLayth is that there is the presumption that it is women who are burdened with having to care, while the husband works outside. It is far easier to make money outside the home, than to work inside the home, it is less stressful. If my husband wants to stay at home and care for my mother, or his own mother while I work... I do not mind this at all :D It is far less physically and mentally exhausting to do that.

However, we continue to assume that it is the women's place to care for their mother / father, children, husband, etc., home and we burden the women with ALL of these things, while leaving the husband to just make "money"; for which if the woman does not work, she has to ASK her husband for money and I've seen that it is seldom given to her. So what about her own life and her own freedoms?

Yes the husband is burdened with the financial responsibility, THAT IS IT. Unless the husband can provide assistance to the wife (maids, nanny, etc.,) that financial responsibility is NOTHING compared to what the wife has to do sans assistance, which is far more valuable. Why would someone require that a woman know how to cook, clean, etc.,? Because he's not going 1) help with those situations and 2) provide assistance to the wife by means of an extra hand and is therefore asking for someone that is willing to fill in those shoes and perform those duties.

Sorry, but a wife is NOT a maid, she is not to be treated one like either.

When people say Oh, "he's looking for a woman who is considerate and who will offer help on her own"; you mean someone who will easily be emotionally bullied to do things that are physically exhausting and take a toll on the woman, when there's no extra hands to offer help.

And I don't mean hiring a maid to bathe and feed the mother, I mean hiring someone to assist the wife in taking care of the mother. It is daunting, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting thing to do and people don't consider helping women, outside of "Oh, I'm making money to have this house and to bring in food...." what excuse is that? excuse me, while I go work and do those things for myself without being made to feel like I am an inconsiderate cold person because I want to also make financial gain to maintain a lifestyle for myself and for MY family that is advantageous to their situation.

[Abz2000]

What I mean to say @UmmLayth is that there is the presumption that it is women who are burdened with having to care, while the husband works outside. It is far easier to make money outside the home, than to work inside the home, it is less stressful. If my husband wants to stay at home and care for my mother, or his own mother while I work... I do not mind this at all :D It is far less physically and mentally exhausting to do that.

However, we continue to assume that it is the women's place to care for their mother / father, children, husband, etc., home and we burden the women with ALL of these things, while leaving the husband to just make "money"; for which if the woman does not work, she has to ASK her husband for money and I've seen that it is seldom given to her. So what about her own life and her own freedoms?

Yes the husband is burdened with the financial responsibility, THAT IS IT. Unless the husband can provide assistance to the wife (maids, nanny, etc.,) that financial responsibility is NOTHING compared to what the wife has to do sans assistance, which is far more valuable. Why would someone require that a woman know how to cook, clean, etc.,? Because he's not going 1) help with those situations and 2) provide assistance to the wife by means of an extra hand and is therefore asking for someone that is willing to fill in those shoes and perform those duties.

Sorry, but a wife is NOT a maid, she is not to be treated one like either.

When people say Oh, "he's looking for a woman who is considerate and who will offer help on her own"; you mean someone who will easily be emotionally bullied to do things that are physically exhausting and take a toll on the woman, when there's no extra hands to offer help.

And I don't mean hiring a maid to bathe and feed the mother, I mean hiring someone to assist the wife in taking care of the mother. It is daunting, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting thing to do and people don't consider helping women, outside of "Oh, I'm making money to have this house and to bring in food...." what excuse is that? excuse me, while I go work and do those things for myself without being made to feel like I am an inconsiderate cold person because I want to also make financial gain to maintain a lifestyle for myself and for MY family that is advantageous to their situation.

It is very interesting how you say one thing and everybody draws an opinion from it, then only when refuted do you back-track and rephrase it ALL. we should have passed that stage of immaturity by now - if not, the situation will only get worse.

In most Asian families (apparently indonesia being an exception) the system is patriarchal and the female moves to the male's tribe on the wedding day, and since it is the duty of the male to bring in bread, it is the duty of the female to prepare it.
Interesting how liberal secularists think humans are like animals - yet somehow forget that cats and dogs usually leave the female with the complete burden after intercourse, but then, that's how it got after ww2 and most of the recent laws came into place after single mother burdens became a problem and communities began to suffer, and the economic ramifications were disastrous, and even then, the separation rates and broken single parent families are sky high.

Do you prefer that the female works amongst strange males whilst the male gets the tea ready at home?
Even dominatrix secularist females have no respect for such males, and muscle breakedown and timidness is inevitable within a few generations in absence of artificial excercise and artificial male interaction (I'm not talking about social gatherings) if gender roles are turned upside down.
The same type of women would then say: "you're not even a maaaaan!!!" And dump them.
But then, that requires the ability to see past neighbours and home n away.

In Islam, the male and female complement each other with an understanding of roles, they are not baphomets.

['Abd-al Latif]

My mother doesn't want me looking after her, she'd rather have a maid / maids to help her around the house.

^o) Why should a husband's mother be any different?

He sounds like a man who wants his wife to practice Islam sincerely and properly. Doesn't seem like he's asking for anything wrong.

[Bhabha]

It is very interesting how you say one thing and everybody draws an opinion from it, then only when refuted do you back-track and rephrase it ALL. we should have passed that stage of immaturity by now - if not, the situation will only get worse.

In most Asian families (apparently indonesia being an exception) the system is patriarchal and the female moves to the male's tribe on the wedding day, and since it is the duty of the male to bring in bread, it is the duty of the female to prepare it.
Interesting how liberal secularists think humans are like animals - yet somehow forget that cats and dogs usually leave the female with the complete burden after intercourse, but then, that's how it got after ww2 and most of the recent laws came into place after single mother burdens became a problem and communities began to suffer, and the economic ramifications were disastrous, and even then, the separation rates and broken singke parent families are sky high.

Do you prefer that the female works amongst strange males whilst the male gets the tea ready at home?
Even dominatrix secularist females have no respect for such males, and muscle breakedown and timidness is inevitable within a few generations in absence of artificial excercise and artificial male interaction (I'm not talking about social gatherings) if gender roles are turned upside down.
But then, that requires the ability to see past neighbours and home n away.

In my culture, it is the male that moves into the female's "tribe" if you so should call it.

I'm not interested in arguing with you, if a woman doesn't want to take care of her husband's mother / father, you have no way and should not force her to do that. It's not her duty AT ALL. Her duty is to her husband, not to be the carer for her husband's family. Similarly, it is not expected that a husband provide sustenance to his wife's family, it's not his duty.

Who said anything about a female working among strange males? Either way, even if she does, is she going to sleep with them? Or do you prefer a male working amongst strange females? Who of the two is more likely (and statistically speaking) to cheat or have an affair in this situation, if this is something that you're akin to believing and would be questioning by bringing up the fact that a woman working outside the home is working amongst strangers? Is the husband not doing the same when working outside the home?

My oh my, can both not just control their physical bodies when outside the house? Isn't that the issue you're referring to as being problematic when a woman works outside the house?

- - - Updated - - -

It is very interesting how you say one thing and everybody draws an opinion from it, then only when refuted do you back-track and rephrase it ALL. we should have passed that stage of immaturity by now - if not, the situation will only get worse.

In most Asian families (apparently indonesia being an exception) the system is patriarchal and the female moves to the male's tribe on the wedding day, and since it is the duty of the male to bring in bread, it is the duty of the female to prepare it.
Interesting how liberal secularists think humans are like animals - yet somehow forget that cats and dogs usually leave the female with the complete burden after intercourse, but then, that's how it got after ww2 and most of the recent laws came into place after single mother burdens became a problem and communities began to suffer, and the economic ramifications were disastrous, and even then, the separation rates and broken singke parent families are sky high.

Do you prefer that the female works amongst strange males whilst the male gets the tea ready at home?
Even dominatrix secularist females have no respect for such males, and muscle breakedown and timidness is inevitable within a few generations in absence of artificial excercise and artificial male interaction (I'm not talking about social gatherings) if gender roles are turned upside down.
But then, that requires the ability to see past neighbours and home n away.

In my culture, it is the male that moves into the female's "tribe" if you so should call it.

I'm not interested in arguing with you, if a woman doesn't want to take care of her husband's mother / father, you have no way and should not force her to do that. It's not her duty AT ALL. Her duty is to her husband, not to be the carer for her husband's family. Similarly, it is not expected that a husband provide sustenance to his wife's family, it's not his duty.

Who said anything about a female working among strange males? Either way, even if she does, is she going to sleep with them? Or do you prefer a male working amongst strange females? Who of the two is more likely (and statistically speaking) to cheat or have an affair in this situation, if this is something that you're akin to believing and would be questioning by bringing up the fact that a woman working outside the home is working amongst strangers? Is the husband not doing the same when working outside the home?

My oh my, can both not just control their physical bodies when outside the house? Isn't that the issue you're referring to as being problematic when a woman works outside the house?

- - - Updated - - -

He sounds like a man who wants his wife to practice Islam sincerely and properly. Doesn't seem like he's asking for anything wrong.

Islam doesn't require you to care for your husband's family.... That's not a requirement of Islam on the wife, she is not obligated to anyone but her husband, and her husband should not don on her the duty that is for him. He on the other hand is obligated to his mother.

['Abd-al Latif]

Islam doesn't require you to care for your husband's family.... That's not a requirement of Islam on the wife, she is not obligated to anyone but her husband, and her husband should not don on her the duty that is for him. He on the other hand is obligated to his mother.

Islam also doesn't require you to fast the 6 days of shawaal, or to do Umrah, or to pray the sunnah rawatib, or to give sadaqah every now and again. You are not sinful if you don't perform these acts but you will however be missing out on a great deal of reward and perfecting your religion.

You are not obligated to serve your husband's mother or family but you are however strongly encouraged to be good to them as it is considered a highly rewarding act. Being good to your in-laws can mean taking care of your husband's mother, spending time with them and making their life easy in whatever way you can. Islam encourages you to look at the greatness of the reward and not simply sticking to the 'obligations' only.

[ahmedahmed]

asalam aleykum brother

if you want success with this scenerio,i advice that you do istakhara prayer and recite la hawla wala quwata ilaa billah 100 times(we should be doing it everyday anyway),inshalah,you will make the right choice.

['Abd-al Latif]

It is also considered a rewarding act to alleviate the burden on your wife by providing her help to do these things. :)

Help is likely to be given without you having to ask for it - if your husband is a religious man. My point is that by serving your in-laws in whatever way you need to you will be fulfilling the obligation of being dutiful to your husband.

[minhajmd20]

Thanks to all those that responded relevantly to the topic. And miss Bhaba, I asked this question requesting for genuine advices relevant to the topic not as platform for someone to have a debate on what you think is right or wrong. So if you're not gonna contribute positively then kindly get off this thread.

[minhajmd20]

:wa: see another girl who can cook as well as take care of your mother (at least, in your absence.)

Thanks, but it's not as easy as you say . Can't leave so easily. I'm at crossroads now.

[minhajmd20]

@minhajmd20 - Hi can i please ask you something is your thinking really backwards? you need someone to look after your sick mother?? Whats wrong with you? Why cant you look after your sick mother?

where does it say in islam your wife has to look after her spouses sick mother?

NO MATTER WHO YOU MARRY PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOUR OWN MOTHER AND DONT PASS THE RESPONSIBILITY TO SOMEONE ELSE.

please dont be offended by my post im not being rude i just dont understand why you would think like this.

I will definitely be looking after my mother. And FYI my mom is not sick alhamdulilah. I was just hoping the wife giving a helping hand with small works within the home and not work all day like a full time maid.

[minhajmd20]

Layth;2971285]OP, you will have to prioritize and think of what is most important to you. If you want a working woman who work all day, which is fine, you will have to find another way to have your mother taken care of and somebody else to prep food. You can find somebody who is happy staying home, but you'll have to provide a comfortable lifestyle. That's just how it is. The options are there, but you ultimately have to decide what is most important to you :)

For others giving OP a hard time, the culture you were raised in matters. I would never allow a maid to bathe and feed my mother if I could help it. Once my mother is unable to look after herself, I will do it, insha'Allah. I would do the same for my mother in law as she has no daughters of her own. If either of them wanted the help of a maid instead, that is fine :) but it wouldn't be a first choice and knowing my mom, she'd have her limits with a maid :)

I can't imagine having a daughter in law who would wash her hands of me because I'm not her mother. That would hurt quite a bit.

My grandmother still has her mother in law (My great grandmother) and when they are together, even though they are both old, my grandmother still serves her mother in law. It is a way to show love and respect.

I don't think the OP is looking for a maid. He is looking for a woman who is considerate and will offer help on her own. Women like this exist :) and we are not maids, doormats or incompetent. We have businesses, jobs and whatnot, but we prioritize family and supporting our loved ones.

For those of you saying "Oh you should take on the responsibility, why are you backwards?" I'm sure you'll also say "It is your responsibility to provide for the household and support everyone financially." So then, how does a man who works full time to provide for his family able to also care for his mother when he is away working? Who will support him in supporting his mother? ^o) If he were to hire a maid, he would need somebody to supervise the made so his mother doesn't end up hurt or abused!

Everyone has high opinions aye?

Thank you for your good advice.

[azc]

Thanks, but it's not as easy as you say . Can't leave so easily. I'm at crossroads now.

I know it's very difficult to get such a girl who doesn't errect the wall in family and keep it united under the shadow of elders.

[سيف الله]

Salaam

I think you should be honest and upfront about what expectations you have from your potential wife (and vice versa). You have to think about the practicalities of married life, duties and responsibilities etc etc. Its not all fun and games.

Ask her about her thoughts on contributing to looking after your family (mother). See how she responds. If she is willing to be balanced and reasonable about it then its a good sign, but if she digs her heels and gives a negative response (you know the whole, its MY right etc etc), then perhaps you should reconsider.

['Abd-al Latif]

I will definitely be looking after my mother. And FYI my mom is not sick alhamdulilah. I was just hoping the wife giving a helping hand with small works within the home and not work all day like a full time maid.

Make sure you don't compromise on this.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Minhajm,

(smile) If I understand what is happening correctly (please forgive me if I am mistaken), the young woman is apparently open to your proposal, and your mother is also open to it. Your concern is that the young woman in question does not know how to cook, and hence would not be able to contribute to the household's success as fully as you feel is necessary.

(smile) But is the important question whether she can cook or not? Might it not be more enlightening to consider her general character? Because if she is a nice person, if it is necessary for your family functioning to be able to cook, then she will learn how to do this. (smile) I hardly knew how to cook when I got married... and my! I made some mistakes, and the food was pretty simple and sometimes awful... at first. (smile) But over time, I learnt how to cook and feed my large family. And they are now a healthy, towering-over-me bunch of young people!

Of course, if it is possible to hire a maid to help out your womenfolk, then I would highly encourage you to do this, particularly if you have children. Not only will this be a relief for your womenfolk, but if your wife has more time and energy... (twinkle) perhaps she might be more attentive to you.

So overall, I think that in your position it would be a good idea to get the families involved and have a good chat to try to answer the questions that you have. Present yourself and your relatives to her family, and present her and her relatives to yours, and get to know one another a bit. (smile) While it is not exact that a woman will be like her mother, and a man like his father, there are traits that you will see in the relatives that will show up in the children (your generation... and your own children, too...). (seriously) Look at these.

Also, if there are any problems down the road, the relatives are the people you will most likely go to in times of need. Are her relatives reliable? (Are yours?) Again, this is not a 100 % sort of question and answer. Some may be reliable, some not, you may decide the young woman's qualities outweigh some relative's deficiencies... Still, think about these things... because whatever your decision, you will be better prepared for the future.

Finally, please note that on this forum, there are many people from many different places. (gently) Please forgive us if we do not understand your particular culture and circumstances, or if we may speak from the pain of our own experiences and circumstances.


May God, the Subtle, the Knowing, Guide you to a marriage that is the best for you in this life and the Next.

[ardianto]

:sl:

In my culture women are not required to be able to cook to become a wife. But they learn to cook by their own willing because they want to give a happiness to their husbands and children. Many career women in my place feel proud if they can cook, and love to share recipes with each others.

Indonesian women are independent and can not be forced. But they will do something if they feel motivated.

[minhajmd20]

Thank you all for your answers.. Jazak Allah khair..

[Zzz_]

Assalam alaikum!

Please let me know if it's okay to marry this girl who would go to office, doesn't know cooking and hence would provide lil support to my sick mom. I like this from office and are close now. I told my mom that I like this girl and even though my mom doesn't like this match she still agreed considering my happiness.

I'm in dilemma now, please let me know if I should go ahead with this match or not. Our families are going to be involved soon. Please advise at the earliest.

Jazak Allah khair!

Wa'alaikum as'salam,

It doesn't matter what others think or say. What you have to see is what is important to you. If you want a wife that will help look after your mother, which seems to be what you are looking for, then you need to prioritize that. Did your mom say why she doesn't like this match? You should sit down and have a talk with the girl. If you want a wife that stays home and looks after your mother or works part time then should convey that to her. Maybe she has different goals in life. You may go for it now but may not be happy later on if she's a career girl and you need someone to be there for your mother and you.