Parents are being unreasonable

[anonymous]

I've posted here regarding marriage before.

I'm posting again because I really need your advice. I feel so distressed regarding this.

I want to marry a brother. I've known him for a long time and I know that he's a good brother. I am 26 years old and I really want to be married now but my parents are making things very difficult for me.

Initially, I did not want to tell my parents about him because I know my parents nature. This way of proposing isn't seem as correct in our culture and my family believes very much in cousin marriages, as my parents are cousins themselves and both my siblings are married to cousins too. The logic behind it is that a cousin e.g. A nephew has grown up in front of their eyes, they know his nature etc and they know that he wouldn't do our daughter wrong. They tried to force me into a marriage a year ago but I refused.

Anywho, my plan was to let the brother go hang out at the same mosque that my dad goes and let him get to know him and let the proposal come through the mosque. However, my family found out about the brother that we both knew each other. Anyway, I convinced my family to give him a chance. I explained how we both knew each other and that we had an understanding about how we'd like to live our lives especially since I want to further my education and he was willing to compromise. My family has met him and I have met his family too.

However, because of this whole cousin marriage mentality my family believe in this thing called the background check. It involves finding out about the guy from relatives, neighbours and friends to say that he's good etc. Because marrying a cousin can guarantee that the marriage won't fail somehow. However, this brother lives in another city, and so this is a bit difficult. However despite this, the brother did provide references for my parents to talk to and it turns out that the references aren't genuine because they're given by him. I just do not understand all this talking to references to guarantee that the guy is good. If he isn't my cousin and not born into my family, he doesn't have the right to marry me because no one can guarantee his character? Because he didn't grow up in front of my parents eyes. Because his parents aren't my parents siblings? It's nonsense.

The other issue they seem to have is the finances as he's still studying. He is in his final year of engineering which means that at the end he'll have a job. He's a hard working guy, he's been working since sixteen. However, my parents keep taking a dig at his degree, how it may not be genuine and how he's not on my level because I'm highly educated. My parents also fear that I may end working and providing while he may just laze around.

Based on all this my parents want me to marry a cousin from back home. Even though I've told them that I'll have to work a year to support him and we won't have a decent life. As I'm already old I'd like to start a family soon. I can't be working to support a guy until he settles for another five year or so.

I just think my parents are being so unreasonable and so unfair and unnecessarily delaying nikkah and instead of making the halal easier for me, making everything so incredibly difficult.

I cry everyday and feel so depressed. My entire personality has changed because of this. I'm beginning to hate everything and everyone around me.

I've had so many conversations with my parents and so many have ended in fights. Me and this brother have tried so hard to convince my parents as I do not want to marry anyone without their blessings and happiness. My life has turned so sour. There's no happiness anywhere. :(

All I want is parents happiness and approval.

[Ephémère]

First of all, you're not old, you're 26. Don't let culture dictate how you should feel about your age. Besides, everything is already written, your husband, the age you'll marry...everything has been decided long time ago. Try not feel the urge. I know It's hard, but Allah loves the Sabiroon (those who are patient). Make ton of duas, ask Allah to make it easy for you and to shower you with Sabr.

I also come from a cultured family, so I know how depressing it can be. Why not expose your problem to an imam, or someone with high status in the community who also have Islamic knowledge, at leat someone they respect. Bring him to your parents and maybe he can influence them.

[anonymous]

First of all, you're not old, you're 26. Don't let culture dictate how you should feel about your age. Besides, everything is already written, your husband, the age you'll marry...everything has been decided long time ago. Try not feel the urge. I know It's hard, but Allah loves the Sabiroon (those who are patient). Make ton of duas, ask Allah to make it easy for you and to shower you with Sabr.

I also come from a cultured family, so I know how depressing it can be. Why not expose your problem to an imam, or someone with high status in the community who also have Islamic knowledge, at leat someone they respect. Bring him to your parents and maybe he can influence them.

The problem is that I already spoke with the local mufti to speak with my father initially when I was being forced into a marriage. Therefore, I do not want to do this again as my parents weren't very happy about that. My mum stopped speaking to me and she wished for me to die. My parents have a lot of respect in the community especially my dad as he's very active in the mosque. I do not want to tarnish anything by speaking to the mufti again.

[piXie]

:salamext:

It's in Allahs hands sister. You should make dua to Him. If this brother is good for you, He will put it in your parents hearts. Turn to Allah, adhere to His commands and legislations & He will help you.

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[Ephémère]

The problem is that I already spoke with the local mufti to speak with my father initially when I was being forced into a marriage. Therefore, I do not want to do this again as my parents weren't very happy about that. My mum stopped speaking to me and she wished for me to die. My parents have a lot of respect in the community especially my dad as he's very active in the mosque. I do not want to tarnish anything by speaking to the mufti again.

Oh..It's a shame that they care more about their reputation than your well-being. The thing is they have rights over you and you have rights over them. They clearly don't respect yours sis. They are abusing you. You need to be firm and tell them they can't and won't force into anything as it is haram. The marriage would be invalid as the Prophet pdbh said, marriage without consent are void. I don't see any other solution than bringing the mufti again. If they don't want their reputation to be tarnished they should act in consequences.

Last resort would be to bypass your parents, but that would be quite extreme. They will probably make you live hell on Earth.

Anyway, make sure to wake up for tahajjud and make du'a. Du'a of the oppressed are answered.

Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: Beware of the supplication of the oppressed, even if he is an unbeliever, for there is no barrier between it and Allah.
Source: Musnad Aḥmad 12140, Grade: Sahih


I would suggest this du'a:

حَسْبِى اللَّهُ لِمَا اَهَمَّنِىْ, حَسْبِىْ اللَّهُ لِمَنْ بَغى عَلَىَّ , حَسْبِىْ اللَّهُ لِمَنْ حَسَدَنِىْ, حَسْبِىْ اللَّهُ لِمَنْ كَادَنِىْ بِسُؤءٍ , حَسْبِىْ اللَّهُ عِنْدَ الْمَوْتِ
Allahumma hasbi-Allahu liman hamani, hasbi-Allahu liman bagha ‘alyya, hasbi-Allahu liman hasadani, hasbi-Allahu liman kaadani bisuu’in, hasbi-Allahu liman ‘indal-mauti
O Allah! Suffice me in my wishes and inclinations. O Allah! suffice me against anyone who oppresses me. O Allah! suffice me against those who envy me. O Allah! suffice me against those who wish to harm me. O Allah! suffice me in the last moments of death

[Artimis]

AoA sister. I just posted in this forum about my marrigae issue. Its different from yours but i can feel your pain. May Allah ease your pain and guide your parents